Don't Say Anything

78. My Northern Star

“Do you want the heat on?” Will asks as I sit next to him in his car.

“Yes.” It’s not cold outside, but for some reason, I’m shivering. Will must have noticed.

“I’ll start from the beginning, even though you know pretty much everything.” I have a feeling there’s a lot of gaps he’s left out. “But you have to promise not to hate me,” he says with such pain that it physically hurts me.

“Nothing you tell me about your past will ever make me hate you.” I’m not sure if there’s anything in general that would make me hate him. Anger is the worst emotion that I’ll feel towards him, and I don’t think it will ever get worse than that.

“I hope so,” he says under his breath, but before I can reassure him, he starts talking again. “Everything started with Leah and Ethan that one night.”

“You don’t have to repeat that story,” I interrupt. I don’t need the picture in my head of little boy Will trying to save his mother who ends up siding with Ethan. It’s probably the worst story I’ve ever heard in my life.

“Thank you,” he says rubbing his eyes. “Well, anyway, I felt devastated and unwanted, but most of all, angry. I was angry at Ethan for being an asshole and angry at Leah for staying with him and angry at my dad for leaving and angry at myself for being angry. I took it out on the kids at school, because I didn’t have any other sort of outlet. I wasn’t able to beat up Ethan, so it made me feel empowered to fight someone who was around the same size as me.

But eventually that got old, and I kept getting suspended. I hated getting suspended because that meant I would have to stay home instead of go to school. Learning was the closest thing I had to a distraction, and my suspensions were taking that away. So I stopped the fighting and turned to drugs, alcohol, and sex instead. It was less noticeable than fights and more effective.”

He pauses and looks down in his lap and then out the front windshield.

“It’s okay,” I say unsure of how to comfort him. “Keep going. I’m listening.”

He hesitates, but starts talking again after looking at me. “The drugs only lasted for a year or two, until I turned sixteen. They made it hard to concentrate in school, and when Leah told me about the strict drug policy at World of Art, I stopped. I knew my age was going to be enough of a handicap as it was. I was amazed that I even got a job at World of Art when I did. Most people get a starting job out of college and work their way up. I was just a high school student.”

“You were just that smart,” I say with a little smile and he surprisingly smiles back.  

“Partly. I loved paintings ever since I was a child and that’s all I would read about in my free time. They just fascinated me, and I think that’s due to Leah being in the field to some extent. But I also found out later that Leah called in a lot of favors to get me that starting job and the first couple positions after that.”

“That’s why you owe her money,” I say with realization.

“Yes, that’s why I can’t move out yet. I told her I wanted to move up in the company on my own merits, but she didn’t listen to me. She thought she was helping me, but I didn’t want her help. I intend to pay back for any favor she called in for me so I owe her nothing. I don’t want to be connected to her through anything.”

“I’m sure she didn’t expect anything in return for that favor, Will.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says shaking his head. “After I pay her back for everything, I won’t be financially connected to her anymore and I can move out. But my financial status was not what concerned me at the time.” I know what he’s going to say next. I have to force myself not to wince in anticipation. “It was the girls.” And this is the part of the conversation I was dreading.