Don't Say Anything

42. Advice and News

Will's POV

"You don't want to date me because that would mean you can't hook up with other girls?" She sounds so hurt.

Fuck. This isn't what I want. Is it? No, I don't want her hurt. We aren't technically together, but making her believe that I've been with other girls makes me feel like a cheater. I dirty ass cheater. I haven't fucked anyone in months and I didn't even think that was possible. But it is when I have Jessi. She fills the hole in me way better than alcohol or sex can. And I'm never left feeling empty or lost after being with her, except right now.

This is what I thought I needed. This is what I intended to happen. I had to come up with some kind of excuse for why I can't be with her. This wasn't my first choice, but now that it's out there, it's an easy one to roll with. Or so I thought it would be.

I didn't know Jessi would sound so hurt. She didn't do anything wrong. It's me. It's always me. If I use the sleeping-with-other-girls excuse, then she won't ask any more questions.

I can't have her finding out about Jack. Once I get this job, he'll be out of my life for good. If it doesn't happen in the next month or two, I'm going to really have to reprioritize. But an opportunity like this is not going to open up again. All I have to do is keep Jessi at arms length to keep both Jack happy and Jessi safe. I don't want her to have anything to do with Jack.

Here I am thinking about how I'm trying to protect her, and she's breaking down right next to me. I just need a little more time Jessi! I want to scream. Stop asking so many goddamn questions and just be content with what I can give you for a little bit longer. But I can't say that. She'll ask more goddamn questions.

I would move Jack and Jessi to different hemispheres if I could. I can handle Jack's... special personality, Jessi can't. I need to keep her away from my work life. Maybe taking her to the art show was a bad idea. Jack would never know she existed if it wasn't for me. I thought it would be easy to avoid him all night with so many people around. That obviously wasn't true.

"I see," she whispers when I still haven't responded. What am I supposed to say? Any way I do this, she's going to get hurt.

"That answers a few things."

Will, you selfish bastard! If I just had stayed away from her, she'd be with a nice happy man that didn't have so many fucked up problems

"I should go."

I can't talk. I can't look at her. I'll fall to pieces if I do. The one thing California taught me was how to be tough. How to take things and I'm slowly learning how to deal with them. Jessi is demolishing that. I feel so vulnerable around her.

I hear the door close and I finally will myself to look up.

She left her bag. I'll just give it back to her when I figure out how to approach this. Will she still be friends with me? I pray to God she will.

Oh, here I go again. This is the biggest problem. Why can't I just stay away? That's what she deserves. It's like a constant battle between what I know in the end will be right for her, and what I need.

I glance in the bag she left as I lift it onto the table. I see red lace and immediately know it's the dress. I reach in to grab it and a jewelry box falls on the floor. She didn't have to give that back to me. Leah wouldn't even know it was hers if she saw it.

I put it back in the bag and notice a folded up piece of paper at the bottom.

Will,

Thank you for last night.

I will listen to your expertise on paintings anytime.