Don't Say Anything

61. In The Kitchen

I sit in Business Analysis II barley paying attention. I'll just skim the chapter when I get home and I know I'll ace the test. Professor Moore gives the easiest exams, which makes it even funnier when I get a higher score than Will. Everything comes natural to him, so I take advantage of every opportunity to show him up. So far, business analysis is the only thing I can beat him at.

Will taps my shoulder, but when I turn to look at him, he's not looking at me. He just slides a piece of paper underneath my open textbook and places his hands back in his lap. I quickly unfold it under my notes and read it.

*You're never distracted in class*

That's actually not true at all. Having Will sit next to me is enough of a distraction, but normally I'm just better at hiding it. Now I have the whole construction date from yesterday stuck in my head. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to tell him.

He places another paper on my desk before I can respond.

*Are you okay?*

I scribble a response. I have to wait until Professor Moore has his back turned to the class before I send the note back. Will has nothing on his desk to hide it under. 

*Yeah. Just thinking.*

The paper is back on my desk in about two seconds.

*Talk to me, please.*

Oh, I want to. I want to so much, I just don't know how.

I'm not sure what to write in response, so I just close my textbook with it inside.

I need to learn to trust. It's such a simple concept that has been completely crumpled up and thrown out the window of my life. I don't know how to get it back, but Will is a start. Maybe if I just tell him whatever I can manage to get out, the rest will come soon after.

Another paper is placed on my desk.

*My house after class?*

This is my chance to try. I'll see what I can get to come out of my mouth at his house. I'm more comfortable in his living room than anywhere else around.

*Yes*

I write and give it back to him. He just looks at it and shoves it in his pocket.

I can feel him glancing at me constantly for the next hour. I don't think a class has ever gone by so slowly. The second half felt like eternity. But when the end finally rolls around, I don't want to move.

"Jess?" Will asks as he walks in front of my desk.

"Sorry," I mumble and pack up all my stuff by just throwing it into my bag. I'm not scared of Will, but I'm scared of myself. I've created a very strong protective wall around certain areas of my life, and Will has slowly been chipping away at it since we meet. It's just a matter of time before it all falls down, and I think that may be tonight.

"Nothing to be sorry about," he says putting his hand on one of my books to stop me from picking it up. "Breathe, Jessi."

I must look just as flustered as I feel. Will is staring at me with worried eyes, which just makes me want to cry. Great. I'm an emotional wreck already and I haven't even said anything.

"I'm fine," I say giving him a small smile.

"Those words mean nothing when they come from you. You're still a terrible liar."

As much as I try, I know I am.

"Let's get to your house."

He nods in agreement, and picks up more than half of my books to help me carry them.