Kade actually flinches and jumps, like he's been physically punched in the face, "Wait a minute, you dated him and you can't remember?" he asks me, accusatorially.
I don't know what to say, this revelation is so part of my past that I think I may have blocked it out. My head's spinning back to what now seems like another time and place, when I was somebody else, entirely.
When I don't answer, Tyler speaks up, "Kade, I was a she then, he had a relationship with her – Tina and Thomas are our dead names, those people are dead to us, to the world – we need to put the past behind us for our future good," he says.
Kade ignores him, "Tan, we've been together for so long, we've been through so much, we shared everything about our relationship history, we left no stone unturned." His voice begins to rise, but not in anger, it kind of soars in sorrow, "You never shared with me the fact you had a relationship with a girl – this is of fundamental importance to me, to us." He shakes his head and ruffles his hair, "I feel like you've been hiding from me all these years..."
...I find my voice, "No Kade, that's not true – I felt it was something you didn't need to know about, given the fundamental fact of my gender change..."
...Kade cuts in, "Was this relationship intimate, physical?"
I lower my head and feel the tears sting my eyes.
"Well Tan, was it?"
I can't answer.
But Tyler answers for me, "Yes Kade, it was."
At this Kelly rushes to us, "Go talk in private, this is a personal issue and it's not right you discussing it so publicly." I look around and see all the customers staring at us, open mouthed.
Kade and I glance at each other and nod our heads in tandem, "Sure," says Kade, heading for the store room, his whole body slumped and forlorn.
Kelly squeezes my arm, "We've still got a lot of explaining to do with these guys – we'll take care of them, you go and take care of yourselves," she says, gently kissing my cheek.
I turn and follow Kade, who is already in the storeroom.
Tyler's voice stops me, "Tanya!"
I turn waiting for him to say something.
But he says nothing, instead he kisses his fingers and blows them forward.
Finding this gesture confusing and distasteful, I ignore it and walk towards Kade.
"Tanya!"
He interrupts again as I reach the door, "Have some of the reveal cake – cake makes everyone feel better."
Again, I ignore him and enter the store room.
......
Kade is sitting on a high stool looking sad, "So you had sex with her?" he asks.
"If you could call it that, we were both barely fifteen."
"What else would you call it?"
"Please Kade, I don't want to go back there, it's too painful."
"I asked if you ever had sex with a girl, you were so sure in your denial. In fact, I've asked you many times during our relationship – your lie's too painful, but I have to face it – surely you can talk to me about this relationship now."
"It's in the past, please let's keep it there."
"Did you enjoy it?" he asks, with emphasis."
His question cuts me like a knife, "Kade, now you're being weird and pervy – drop it!"
He swivels his head, "No, I'm holding it. I need to know if you enjoyed the sex – I need to know this facet of your sexuality; it's only fair, you owe me this truth about yourself."
He drops off the stool and fixes me with his steely-eyed stare, "Did you enjoy sex with her, and do you still have sexual yearnings for women?" he asks, with extra emphasis.
I fix him with an equally steely stare, "No, and NO!"
"But you had penetrative sex with her, right?"
"Kinda right – Thomas did."
Kade raises an eye, "But Thomas, you, had to be aroused for that to happen, right?"
I feel like a criminal being interrogated, and although I've committed no crime, I know I must tell the truth, "Right," I say.
"So you were sexually aroused by a girl?"
"No."
Kade shakes his head, "Tan, you're making no sense – how did you get aroused by her?"
I've never admitted this to anyone before, but now I must – "I was thinking of a boy; she mounted me, I closed my eyes and imagined she was the boy I was madly, hopelessly in love with at the time."
Kade nods his head, but continues to coax more from me, "Who was the boy you thought of?"
I look him in the eye, "Brogan – I was in love with my best friend, Brogan."
Kade just stares at me – all I can do is stare back and try and read his face.
But I can't see any trace of emotion, so I feel myself begin to crack, "Please Kade, say something?"
His eyes moisten and he opens his arms, "Come to me," he says.
I fall into his arms and they envelop me in a love that I feel so strong, "Tan, I feel so bad for you – the pain of loving a boy who betrays you completely – then having to watch as they transitioned him into Brigitte." He holds me tighter, "And you kept all of that to yourself, when you could have un-burdened yourself by telling me."
His warm embrace and empathy make me softly cry.
He strokes my hair, "Promise me we'll talk more about this, Tan?" he asks.
"I promise."
He continues to stroke my hair, "But right now, let's have some cake – a sweet treat will do us both good."
This makes my sobs stop and I lift my head as Kade picks up the knife – "NO!" I shout.
Kade looks at me, "Whoah – why the sudden mood change?"
I take the knife and point to the cake, "Something's in that cake."
"Yeah, like either pink or blue cake, but I'm guessing it's blue cake," says Kade.
I put the knife down, "This Tyler guy, I still don't trust him – when I was coming in here he weirded me out by blowing me a kiss, then told me to have some cake because cake makes everyone feel better."
Kade nods, "I share your dis-trust Tan; let's get Tyler in here – and we'll see how the reveal cake makes him feel before we have a slice.
