Dear reader.
I've never felt lonely like this before.
At 15, the man who I thought was my father took me away from the only life I knew – I was a confused teenage boy, yet I frolicked freely in Chicago. Suddenly I'm snatched away and placed in isolation in a far off land.
Even during those long days and nights in isolation, when I was given female hormones to prepare for my transition, I never felt lonely like this.
Back then I'd never experienced nor felt a searing love for anyone; so my lonely was borne of betrayal, confusion and fear – it was a bearable kind of lonely.
As you know, my transition from Thomas to Tanya led me to the greatest love of my life – Kade.
His love and belief in me made me flow and flourish into my true self – Tanya.
Now, I feel the flow of his love for me, ebbing.
And the loneliness this engenders is debilitating in the extreme.
The thing is, I think this lonely would be easier to bear if Kade had cheated on me. Because that lonely is mixed with anger, pain, and jealousy. And those emotions dilute the lonely and occasionally pull you up from the black hole of despair to let you take a breath.
But this lonely doesn't let you breathe.
Every breath is stifled on thoughts of what Kade is: thinking, doing, and feeling.
I take comfort in the fact that many of you reading this may have experienced lonely like this – I guess I'm not so alone.
Eventually I catch a breath and hope it will bring Kade sauntering back to me in his towel, to slump on the couch and thread his legs through mine as we wordlessly make everything good again.
But he's been gone hours now and that's not happened, and I honestly don't think it will.
I have to stop wallowing in wishful thinking and steer my thoughts towards facts.
......
The fact is, Kade has given me an ultimatum: join him on the Trans-Siberian-Express towards his transition to Transhuman, or let him go alone with what I suspect would be just a cursory cheek kiss goodbye.
My lonely shifts a little when my mind makes a decision that I hear in my head – 'Go with him Tan, enjoy your final days with Kade. Then at least you know you've let him realise his wish with your love and consent.'
That thought's buoyed me; and also brought me a little bit out of my lonely.
Now, I'm distracted by betrayal.
Who betrayed Kade and I?
Who gave the code to our enemies?
Flashes of anger flare in me when my instinct keeps telling me who it is.
I stand and pace the space, trying to quash the names continually looping through my head.
But I can't shake them and I need to give voice to who I think our betrayers are – 'Kelly and Troy.'
......
I have no idea what their motive would be?
They're no longer part of our world.
They're about to embark on their Babymoon, far removed from the life they knew with Kade and I.
But I just have this kneedling thought that for some reason they have betrayed Kade and I by putting us in that precarious predicament.
......
Kelly and Troy have a great life now that they're free from our world. Add the new baby to the mix and it's fair to say their life is pretty much perfect.
But on reflection, I don't think it could be them who betrayed us.
Truth is, there's an infinite number of people with multiple motives who'd want to betray Kade and I.
I'm not going to think about who they could be; finding out who they are serves no purpose at this point in time.
......
I don't know how this happened, but somewhere in the midst of my lonely despair, I dropped off to sleep.
I'm disorientated as I rub my eyes trying to make sense of my space and time.
And in this sleep hazed mist, I hear his dulcet tones, "It's me, Tan."
He comes into focus, standing in front of me, still wearing nothing but a towel.
"What time is it?" I ask; my heart beat beginning a steady jog towards positive expectation.
"It's a quarter after 1.am," he says, slumping on the couch next to me, his legs instinctively entangling in mine.
My hearts jog increases to a sprint, like it did when Kade and I took our first tentative steps towards intimacy.
I feel like I did back then, a passionate fire burning within me, tempered by a nervous reserve.
I'm actually rendered speechless by his unexpected return.
After what feels like an age, Kade talks, "You know, I've been thinking about what you said, and I've decided to defer my transition until I'm at least 30."
My skin begins to prickle and I feel my heart beat in my every breath.
Kade's toes begin to play with mine and he places an arm around my shoulder, "I've cancelled the trip on the Trans-Siberian–Express and my Transition in Vladivostok. They were really pissed with me; I lost my deposit, which was a sizeable dollar dunk." His hand squeezes my shoulder, "But it's worth it to be given more time," he says.
My breathing makes my chest heave and I'm frightened to say anything in case he changes his mind.
Well, the truth is, I don't know what to say.
The sudden swing from abject despair to soaring elation has actually rendered me mute – and emotionally exhausted.
I close my eyes and feel myself drifting back into sleep.
Kade's voice, soft and sleepy soothes me, "You know Tan, we're both still so young, yet we've experienced so much with each other – don't you think we need time to experience something else?"
My eyes spring open and I'm suddenly wide-awake.
I jolt up and eye-ball him, "Have you met someone else?" I ask, untangling my legs from his.
He smiles nervously, "No, how could I in here? I just think we need a break from each other is all," he says, lowering his head to avoid my eyes.
My head's spinning, "Where's this come from, Kade?" I ask.
His head remains bowed, "All we have together is our mind-bending-twisted-life-experience; we've no mutual friends or interests to positively distract us from our distorted world – it's not healthy."
When he pauses I stare blankly at his head until he talks again, "I spoke at length with Kelly and Troy, they're on my page." He looks up at me, "They've agreed to go let me stay at their place – I need time back in the real world," he says this with a firm tone that doesn't invite question.
I look away from him and as I do a cold cent drops in the pit of my stomach – have I been betrayed by Kade, Kelly and Troy?
