I've packed my clothes for our Goodbye-Bodymoon.
Now, I'm packing Kade's.
Kade wanted to do his own packing, but I've insisted on it.
For me, packing his eight final outfits is a ritual I need to go through, in the hope that it may lead to a greater acceptance of the loss of his physical self.
I'm packing eight outfits. Seven for our journey on the Trans-Siberian Express, and the eighth will be his...
...I find this so hard to say, but I must – outfit#8 will be the one he wears to the facility in Vladivostok wherein his transition to Transhuman will take place.
But before I get to outfit#8 I have some great clothes to pack, items that will evoke beautiful memories of my beloved Kade's physical self.
Before we take our Trans-Siberian-Express trip, I'd like to share a trip down memory lane with you.
......
I take item#1 in my hand and hold it to my face, inhaling the shirt's freshly laundered scent with a hint of Kade's sweet cologne. I place it in the suitcase before it's stained by my sudden onset of tears. Sitting on the bed I stare at the shirt, wipe my tears and smile at the memory it brings.
This was the shirt I first saw Kade in, when he stopped me on the street in Chicago and said, "Excuse me, I'm doing a survey...what's your name, what's your number and are you free on Saturday?" In my confusion I asked, "What kind of survey is that?" He flashed his brilliant smile, "Jeez, you're so goddamn cute – I'm asking you for a date?"
I was so freaked out about being asked out by a guy that I ran away from him.
But Kade didn't let my flee deter him – he fought for me.
......
A blue Hollister sweatshirt is item#2 – this is what he wore when he raced to the Excelsior Hotel, wherein The Surgeon was forcing me to operate on my cousin Charlotte. He raced in, his quick thinking swiftly disabling The Surgeon's hologram.
He swiped me safely away – that's when I first secretly swooned for him.
......
I gently fold item#3 – his Urban Outfitter Jeans.
Kade wore these when he escaped the coffin confinement in the ambulance. He grabbed my shoulders and asserted, "Tanya, listen to me – The Surgeon has met her match with me, The Kade.
That's when he became my saviour.
......
As I take item#4 I'm reminded of the time I first saw Kade's physique. We'd just finished an outdoor workout and Kade was freshly showered standing in the red gym shorts that I'm now holding. He handed me a protein shake, "We're going to get you seriously yoked," he said, flexing his biceps. I surreptitiously looked at his body: sculpted, lean, not an ounce of body fat.
I pack the shorts away, not wanting to dwell on a physique that I will soon have to lose.
But do I have to lose my best friend's body?
......
The t-shirt I'm holding hurts me, emotionally and physically.
It is item#5 the t-shirt Kade wore when we were confronted by myself as a boy. As we stared at the hologram of me, Kade saw my upset and pulled me into him, "I'm sorry Tan, I know how hard this is for you – this is all too cruel," he said.
He held my head against his muscled chest as my tears drenched this t-shirt.
That was when Kade became my greatest confidante.
......
I smile when I recall the first time Kade sat on my bed, he stretched out like a tired dog, yawned and said, "I'm sleepy, can I crash here?" He was asleep before I had chance to answer. I lay next to him and placed a nervous hand on his shoulder, keeping it there the entire night.
Gently, I pack away item#6 the Nike vest he wore that night.
......
Grey Chinos are item#7 – these are the most bittersweet.
Kade wore these at the end of the first instalment of our love story. We were both exhausted but exhilarated at having disposed of The Surgeon on the Love Rush Rollercoaster.
Kade looked at me, "Who do you feel more like, Tanya or Thomas?" he asked.
"I feel like me – who do you see me as?" I asked, nervously.
He smiled, "I just see you, Tan."
We made love for the first time that night – we've been lovers ever since.
......
Finally I pick up Kade's Nike sneakers and as I pack them away, I want to ask you dear reader, to put yourself in my shoes.
Are you madly in love with a boy or girl?
If you are, think of the fluttery feeling you get when they give you that smile. Or the rush you get when the sun hits their face, lights up their eyes and makes them look extra cute.
Or the jolt of electricity that courses through your body when their hand brushes against yours.
Or when you're feeling low and and long for their hug which you know will lift you.
Imagine having to willingly let go of all that.
Imagine having to say goodbye to someone who provides your life's most powerful physical feelings and emotions.
Imagine what it would feel like to hold them for the last time.
Kade is my life partner – can you imagine never touching the person who will become yours.
Can you imagine that?
Could you do it?
......
Well, after much soul-searching, I've decided – I can't!
I cannot, will not accept Kade's transition to Transhuman.
So, I've done something.
Something that will prevent it happening.
......
Which brings me onto item#8 – navy blue sweatpants and matching sweatshirt.
Kade is currently wearing item#8.
And – I've packed Kade away.
......
Yes, you read that right.
This morning, I literally lured Kade into one of our facilities concealed, steal-lined safe rooms.
He is packed inside an impregnable safe room.
Only I have the codes to gain access.
......
You all know that Kade was my saviour, who became my: friend, confidante, lover and life-partner.
Now – Kade is my prisoner.
