13 Reasons Why Imagines

Justin (Song Imagine)

Based on the song If You Want Love by NF

I just need some time I'm tryna think straight. I just need a moment in my own space. Ask me how I'm doing I say 'ok', but ain't that what we all say?

Justin: Hey, are you still coming over today?

Me: I think I'm just going to stay home. I just want to be alone.

Justin: are you having one of those days again?

Me: yeah

Justin: are you okay?

Me: I'm okay

   I stared down at my phone, watching as the bubbles indicated that Justin was typing. I closed my phone and put it on the nightstand beside my bed, not bothering to check it to see if Justin sent his text.

   I lay down in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I've lost count of how many times I've told people I was okay when I wasn't.

   It's the most common response for people when asked how they are, but on the inside I'm not even close to 'okay'.

Sometimes I think back to the old days. In the pointless conversations with the old me, back when my momma used to hold me.

   I used to be so happy. I used to be so full of life and full with this feeling of freedom.

   If my past self could see me now I would be so shocked and disappointed in myself.

   I was so different only two years ago. I was a completely different person. I was such a social butterfly. I loved people, and I loved starting conversations about anything I could.

   If my old self could talk to me now I probably wouldn't even talk about how my day was going or what I did. I would just sit in silence, wanting nothing more than to be alone.

   I remember being younger when my mom was around.

   I would be sat in her lap and we would talk non-stop about whatever came to my little seven year old mind.

   Like how the there was three little bumblebees on my favourite flowers earlier that day.

   Or how I almost got close enough to touch the chipmunk that saw me eating my peanut butter sandwich on the lawn.

   Or how my friend Sheri and I made flower crowns at recess and gave one to our teacher so we could all match.

   No one understands what I would give to have one more moment like that with my mom.

   But she left when I was eight and I haven't seen her since. I don't know where she went but I learned very quickly she wasn't coming back.

I wish somebody woulda told me.
If you want love you gon' have to go through the pain.

   "I'm done Justin! I'm done! What don't you understand about that!" I screamed at my boyfriend as tears poured down my face.

   "If you just calmed down and stopped yelling maybe we could figure this out!" Justin argued.

   "If you would just understand that I can't keep doing this and let me leave then maybe I wouldn't be yelling!"

   "You're staying in this fucking room until we figure this out!"

  "Why can't you just let me leave! Please!" Hot tears poured quickly fell down my face. I hated this. I hated arguing with Justin. I hated feeling like I was hurting him but I couldn't stop yelling.