Chapter 12
"Moony, you haven't talked for the past five minutes. You've just been sitting...playing with your thumbs... Do you want to play thumb war?"
Remus realized his thumb fidgeting was distracting Sirius and quickly stopped moving them, putting his hands in his lap.
"I'm just going to cut to the chase," Remus paused before carrying on, "I had another dream."
Sirius groaned and made an exaggerated roll of the eyes. "Oh God, not this again," he complained. "Haven't we been through this already? The dreams mean nothing. Christ, if I had a dream where I offended a hippopotamus, do you think I'd go around acting like a paranoid tit?"
"How in Merlin's name could you offend a hip—never mind." Remus got back on track. "These dreams are really starting to get serious-"
"What could be any more serious than us having a shag territory?" Sirius said, reminding him of that specific dream.
"I'm not talking about the seriousness of the dream, I'm referring to the seriousness of what it's doing to me," Remus rectified. "And me being in a wedding dress could compete with the shag territory one."
"You in a what?"
"James wore one too!"
"Moony, you're being extremely vague again." Sirius watched Remus sigh and position his head in his hands. "I really have no clue to where this conversation is going, but do hurry it up a bit; I want to put this priest costume to good use."
"I thought you would've learnt your lesson with Shiny He—I mean, Kingsley." Remus frowned at the nickname that had nearly rolled off his lips. "These dreams...they're starting to affect my life, Sirius. I'm not getting enough sleep; I'm behind in my school work-"
"Bollocks," Sirius scoffed.
"I handed in my Arithmancy homework a day late, Sirius," Remus said with wide eyes, "A day."
"One can only imagine the daily horrors of Remus Lupin," Sirius smiled, teasing him about his late homework woe.
PADFOOT DAYDREAM
Remus Lupin sat on the loo -otherwise known as a toilet, otherwise known as the 'thing that eats up your poop' by one Sirius Black- humming the Alphabet song...in Latin.
He reached out for his trusty encyclopedia toilet roll (the handy toilet roll of two purposes - to use and amuse) when he discovered...there was none.
Remus pressed his hands to his face and screamed, "Nooooooo!"
END OF PADFOOT DAYDREAM
"Sirius?" Remus clicked his fingers again. "Sirius!"
The boy snapped out of his daze on the thirteenth click with a "Hmm?"
"What happened just then?" Remus asked, observing him with an odd look. "You kind of spaced out."
"Oh, er, just thinking of the agenda for tomorrow..." Sirius stroked his chin, as though he had an invisible Dumbledore beard. "Yes, I think I will wear those red socks." He eyed Remus with sudden curiosity. "Do you wipe your bum with encyclopedia sheets?"
Remus slammed the table in outburst. "How many times must you ask me this question? I do not use encyclopedia sheets to wipe my buttocks. I did notuse encyclopedia sheets to wipe my buttocks the last time you asked me. I have not suddenly used encyclopedia sheets to wipe my bottom in the existing period. I didn't even know they were produced!"
"Oh ho," Sirius raised his brow, "Trust me, they do."
Remus noticed his expression and stopped Sirius before he asked another familiar question. "And I don't bloody sing the Alphabet song, in Latin, on the toilet!"
