Chapter 8-The Wonders of Medicine
Three of the Marauders; Sirius, Remus and Peter, otherwise known as Penelope, Rhiana and Pipi, were currently sitting in the corner of the Gryffindor common room after an exhausting day of classes.
"Penelope, can I touch your-"
"No."
"Penelope? Can I grope your-"
"No."
"Penelope, can I carry your-"
"No," Sirius repeated sternly, frowning at the fifth years which he did have a mild respect for until they drooled over him in his new feminine body. The three nameless and highly perverted boys gave Sirius a look of disappointment. "No-one," Sirius hissed, "is touching my breasts. Groping my breasts. Or 'carrying' my breasts." He made an especially disturbed look at the third boy.
"I was going to ask to carry your books to your classes tomorrow," the boy rectified.
"Oh," Sirius said embarrassingly. "Well, um, no thanks. I am capable of carrying my own books."
The three Penelope-obsessed boys sighed before trudging up the stairs to their dormitory.
"If one more guy tries to seduce you, I will vomit on your face," Remus clarified, trying not to disgorge over the book he was reading.
Sirius sighed miserably. "You know, it was fun being a girl at first. Now it's just sickening." He moved a piece of the wizard chess, winning the tenth game in a row against Peter.
"Don't you like your tissue bosoms?" Peter asked.
"No, it's not that. I've just been thinking, and I've discovered that all men are perverts, aren't they!" Sirius looked at his friends for a reaction. They stared on blankly.
"Are you admitting to your perversity?" Remus asked in surprise.
"No," Sirius dismissed. Remus rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his book. "What I mean is, if you've got breasts, you're like shit surrounded by flies!"
"That's such an intellectual phrase," Remus commented monotonously.
"So," Peter began, mouth open if thoughtful confusion. "You're saying...you are...faeces?"
"No, you moron, I'm just saying, I feel pity for all the beautiful girls who get hit on all the time by disgusting pigs."
"Again, are you admitting your perversity?" Remus repeated.
"Shut up, Moony," Sirius said miserably, "you still haven't told us about your sitting with Snivellus."
Remus quickly went white and avoided eye contact. "You're an honest gentleman, Sirius Black," he made a false compliment; hoping flattery would distract his friend.
"Thanks, Moony! That's nice of you to sa-…hey!" he paused in realisation. "You're using that flatulence thing, aren't you!" he said crossly.
"I think you mean flattery," Remus corrected. "Flatulence is the gas in your intestines."
"I can definitely smell gas." Peter covered his nose, instinctively knowing that Sirius had probably passed wind.
"Well, you're definitely using that flattery thing to distract me!" Sirius said, annoyed.
"No I'm not," Remus denied. "You have pretty eyes, Padfoot."
"I know, I'm blessed aren't I, Moony. Um, what was I talking about again?"
