Chapter 12-Romantic Notions Wil Try To Kill You
James sat back on his stool, conveniently placed on his arse for sudden perching due to sudden Lily Evans encounters where she has a sudden change of heart, added with sudden flusters of sudden redness.
"You're going to die..."
James shot to his feet at the sound of the harsh whisper, his stool lifting bizarrely with him as he whirled round the common room which was strangely empty.
"Who's there?" he quavered. He grabbed for his behind, trying to rip the stool of his arse and use it as some kind of weapon. Sure, it wasn't a sword, but he'd left his wand his in his dorm and it was either the stool or the common room cushions.
"You're going to die..." the voice whispered again, making a manic evil snicker after.
"Shut up, you idiot," another voice murmured.
"Who's there?" James demanded more confidently. "I'll kick your arse!" he warned the voice, but was undermined by the fact that he was trying to rip a stool of his trousers, and it wasn't working. As he wandered over to the clothed common room table, he was about to make another warning to do with more "arses" and insults including phrases such as "your mum", until something grabbed his leg from under the table.
He tilted his head down and discovered a hand gripping his foot.
He did not react well to this. Hands didn't normally latch on to your foot. Especially with chewed nails.
"AAARGH!"
James kicked his foot out manically. He wailed as loudly as possible as if to deafen the hand, and cursed when he realised that plan wouldn't work because the obviously severed hand did not have ears to listen. He knew the hand was chopped off, obviously from some crazy homicidal murderer, like he'd heard in those Muggle stories where the hand ran around strangling people and attached itself to Muggle car roofs. Of course, the hand was obviously possessed by the spirit of the crazy homicidal murderer, and was obviously jealous of James' good looks, thus, wanting to murder him, then rip out his dashing, messy hair and his dreamy hazel eyes and somehow plant them on himself. Obviously.
"Alright, you severed hand!" he yelled, still jerking his foot. "I may be too handsome for words, but I will not let you rip out my hair or spork out my eyes and-"
"Prongsie, you loony!" James immediately stopped kicking. "It's meee!" The hand quickly unfastened off his foot and disappeared under the table.
James frowned at the 'me' who was talking and bent down to his knees, lifting the tablecloth up with a sharp tug.
"Sirius, you...you...you're more bloody annoying than a septic testicle!" James glowered at Sirius who was sitting in a yoga-like position with his hand in his mouth. A habit which he'd inherited from hurting his paw whilst he was in Padfoot form.
"That's a new insult," Sirius mumbled over his saliva covered fingers.
"And you, Wormtail," James shook his head disapprovingly at Peter who was crouched and waving to him. "Though I'm not surprised considering you'll follow Padfoot anywhere. Including toilet cubicles."
Peter was about to argue but didn't feel he was in the position to tell James that he was in the wrong.
"Moony!" James said disappointedly, gawking as he watched Remus reading a book very closely to his face. "I thought better of you."
"Well," Remus fumbled as he began to defend himself, "Sirius threatened to burn another one of my books."
Sirius barked a laugh. "You're such a liar, Moony!"
