One Weekend Of Giving In

Chapter 51

A few silent moments went by as I thought about Jace. I thought about his beautiful smile, those gorgeous icy blue eyes, the way he used to look at me with so much love and emotion, and the way his laugh would bring a dull room to life. I missed him, every single thing about him. My thoughts were disrupted when Spencer's voice broke through.

"We should go stand in the water. It's pretty nice out there."

Carly and Cory were still no where in sight, and it was actually really warm today.

"Okay." I stood up and headed out, thankful Carly forced me in shorts today, that way I could go in a little further without soaking my clothes. "Oh my god, it's freezing!" I screeched and began to back away. "I change my mind, it's not that hot out." Spencer grabbed my hand before I could make it far enough and slowly pulled me back into the water. I squealed again when the water made contact with my ankle but bit the inside of my cheek and kept going.

"Still bad?" He grinned and I almost lost myself in that smile. I hadn't seen him smile wide enough for his dimple to show in a very long time, but god did I miss it.

My teeth chattered and I nodded my head vigorously, I started to wrap my arms around my waist when I felt something.

"Uh, I don't think he likes it very much either.." I said pointing down to my stomach.

"What's he doing?"

"Here." I put one of Spencer's hands on my stomach and watched his face over my shoulder. His strong chest and abs were pressed against my side and I allowed myself to relax into him. My gummy bear continued to kick for a few minutes, and I smiled at feeling him move inside of me. I'd been so out of it lately, I hadn't even been paying attention to him. Spencer continued to stare at my growing belly, his hand slowly moving so the kick hit perfectly into his hand each time.

"You're wrong." He said softly.

"What do you mean?"

"He's happy you're in the water. He's gonna be a little surfer when he gets older, just like his daddy." He smiled sweetly at me.

"Oh is he now?" I touched the other side of my stomach and spoke, "Hate to burst your bubble little guy, but mommy doesn't know how to surf. Sorry buddy."

"I can teach him."

My heart kicked up in pace, this conversation with the way we were currently positioned was now way too intimate. Spencer must've realized it as well because he dropped his hand and stepped back a few feet.

"Soo," he said breaking the silence "you said you think he'll be early?"

"Yeah. The doctor said he was growing bigger and developing quick. I know everyone's bodies respond differently to pregnancy, but I'm a lot bigger than I'm supposed to be. I'm afraid I'm gaining too much weight."

"Mac, you still look perfect. Nothing about you has changed except your growing stomach."

"But I looked at pictures if other expecting mothers and I'm as big as the women that are twenty eight weeks. And that was when I looked over a week ago when I was only twenty two weeks." I frowned when I realized how long it'd been since I paid attention to what was going on with my gummy bear.

"Mackenzie, I promise you look beautiful. I honestly think you've looked more beautiful over the last couple months than I've ever seen you. You're probably just going to have a big baby, I mean Jace was over six feet, it kinda makes sense. Just be glad your son won't be short like you." He playfully teased.

I laughed, and it felt so good I wished it would have gone on longer.

"Jerk" I socked his arm pathetically. "I'm cuddible size." Spencer loved how small I was, since my body perfectly molded into his whenever we would cuddle and watch a movie. But that didn't stop him or any of the guys from constantly making fun of me and Carly for being short. It wasn't my fault Spencer was over a foot taller than me.

He held his hands up in mock surrender. "Just saying. Can you imagine having a boy that tiny? If it was a girl, sure but definitely not a boy."

"I guess you're right." I smiled and reached out to interlace my fingers with his, immediately dropping my hand to my side when his look made me realize what I was doing.

"Uh, I think I'm going to head up and take a nap. I'm getting kind of tired."

Spencer stared at me with an expression I couldn't name before he sighed and turned toward the beach.

"I'll come with." I stood there, heart aching after what I just did.

"Spencer, this is why we can't do this. I can't be around you without slipping back into how we used to be."

"I wan-" he breathed heavily throughout his nose and dropped his head, fists on his narrow hips. "Mackenzie," he began again, turning to face me and stepping close, too close. "That should tell you something." His big hands curled against my cheeks and I had to force my head not to respond to his touch. When he was standing this close, I couldn't think clearly. Covering my hands with his own, I managed to pull them down and stepped away.

"I can't Spencer. We can't." Tears started falling down my cheeks "I can't handle this. Not right now." He just died. The father of my baby JUST died. It didn't matter if I loved Spencer too, that would be a slap in the face to Jace's memory and his family. I started back up the beach and when I spotted Carly and Cory watching us, I took off running toward them.

Carly hugged me fiercely, and when I pulled away she gave me a knowing look. I didn't ask what she thought she knew, just helped them fold up the blanket so the four of us could go out to eat. Spencer didn't touch me again, other than hug me goodbye late that night. It hadn't been awkward during lunch, the movie or dinner, we still spoke and laughed with Carly and Cory, we were just aware of that invisible line we had to make sure we didn't cross.

*****

The front door shut and my heart started racing. I forced myself to remain calm and finish getting ready for the day, but my body was aching to go downstairs. Spencer had been coming over ever day since OPERATION GET CARLY AND MAC OUT OF THE HOUSE two weeks. I'm reluctant to admit I craved the hours he was here. He tried to give me space by spending a good chunk of time with Cory, Carly and mom but whenever I would glance up, his eyes would be glued on me and I always seemed to gravitate toward him. Having him near me made my days better and my chest lighter, as soon as he left for the night I'd struggle with anxiety until I would curl up in Jace's bed and grip one of his shirts that smelled like him. I felt pathetic, but I was getting better each day. That's a start.

"Mac, you ready?"

My breath whooshed out of my body and I gripped the vanity counter. That deep husky voice. God, that voice was like home to me.

"Yeah, I'm in the bathroom." He rounded the corner and handed me a protein smoothie. "If you already ate, then you don't have to drink that."

I already ate but I'm pregnant, I'm always hungry.

"Thank you." I said with a moan while sucking down some of the delicious icy mix. Spencer laughed and rubbed my stomach.

"What's up little man?"

"He's quite feisty this morning." I took another sip and started curling the last pieces of hair left before grabbing my cup again.

"How are you?" My eyes met his in the mirror and he didn't answer at first.

"I-I'm fine." I glanced at his chest rapidly rising and falling, his mouth and then back to his eyes.

"Thanks for coming today Spence."

"I'll always be here" his fingers brushed along my bare neck as leaned down slowly.

Before his lips could touch my neck, I cleared my throat "Spencer, don't." I pleaded.

He stopped abruptly and removed his arms as he took a few steps away. "I'll uh, I'll be downstairs."

"Spencer..."

"Yeah?" His back was still turned to me.

"I can't be with you." I want to so bad, you'll never know how bad. "We can't keep torturing each other like this."

"I know, I just... I know." He sighed and walked out of my room.

"I love you so much." I whispered once the door was shut.