This Is England » Freddie Highmore

39.

RESTING HER HEAD on my shoulder, Amelia wept to the devastating news of her suspension. I cringed at the thought of her losing an education. It was my fault it happened.

I hated myself even more than I already did. I hated the fact I ruined Amelia's chance at being somebody important. And here I was, acting like a child who continuously played with his toys, never once taking care of business.

I rested my chin on the top of her head, wishing she would smile.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, rubbing her back comfortingly.

"For w-what?" she cried, wiping away her tears as she blubbered.

"I should have done something about all of this," I said, sighing. "We have been ditching classes since we had met, and I don't think you deserve someone like me. I fuck up too much, Amelia. You deserve better."

She doesn't say anything. I watch her, and as I am doing this, my heart begins to crack.

She deserves so much better.

"What am I going to do?" she mumbles, cowering her face in her hands.

I pull her close to me; holding her tight. I never once let go.

And I don't think I ever will.

..

I walked into the Administration Office, people staring at me. I never go in here volunteerily, it usually happened when I used to get arrested for smuggling cocaine on campus.

"Where's the Dean?" I asked the secretary. She looks up at me and uses her index finger to tell me to wait as she dials the extention that I'm assuming was the Dean's.

"He said he'll see you now."

I nod, then make my way to the Dean's office. Before I knock, I make sure that my jeans weren't sagging, and I made sure I was at least halfway decent.

I knocked, then waited.

"Come in, young man."

I walked into the office, my eyes taking in the luminous room around me. Everything seemed to be extremely bright, and for once I can say I wasn't stoned to take in its beauty.

"Mr. Highmore," the Dean takes off his glasses, placing them on the book he had sitting beneath his arm. "What can I do you for?"

I close the door behind me and lock it.

"I think you should reconsider in letting Amelia Parker stay at this University." I said, clasping my hands together.

"Mr. Highmore," he sighs, "I am not going to let her back, she's nothing but trouble and I---"

"The only reason why she's 'nothing but trouble' is because I made her that way." I glared at him, trying to make him as uncomfortable as possible.

"She's intelligent, she's everything a star student has," I furrow my eyebrows, jaw stern. "and you're letting her go because of my actions."

"Why are you doing this?" the Dean asks me. "You never cared about anyone but yourself."

He was right. I don't know exactly why I'm here, with the Dean. I shouldn't care about Amelia, for one thing she shattered my stone-cold heart.

But regardless of all that has happened, I loved her.

I. Loved. Her.

I take out a cigarette and light its end with a match. Taking a drag from the cancer stick, I smile at the Dean.

"When you're in love," I begin, smoke tendrils escaping my lips. "you would do things for that person. Things you thought you could never do for yourself."

I place it back into my mouth, my smirk never fading.

"That's why."

...