This Is England » Freddie Highmore

86.

I HAVE seen all sides of Freddie since I have come to know him in the past year. I've seen him angry, I've seen him drunk, high, depressed, and now, I have seen him completely exposed in vulnerability. This was different from the death of Max and Michael. This was a scared little boy wanting things to be okay. He wanted to believe his dad had changed after all these years, and as I listened to him, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken.

It's not easy coming to grips with the fact that a family member won't change. Since we'd visited New York City, I haven't spoken to my mother. She will always critique my choices, and somehow I still wish she'd love me unconditionally.

As I held Freddie close, I began to relax as I heard him snore softly. He hasn't slept this peacefully in awhile. Since I've known him and had gotten accustomed to sleeping with him in the same bed, he would have nightmares or night terrors. It wasn't easy to deal with and at times I wished I could pull my hair out. But my mop of hair remained on my head and I still loved Freddie the same -- even though he screwed around on me multiple times.

However, this time I wasn't the one innocent. After I broke up with Freddie, and after I discovered he was with someone new, someone he could play with, I decided to do the same; to know what it felt like. To gain the rush Freddie had felt. And I did. Although I didn't expect this rush to get me pregnant.

My thoughts of my latest realization snapped in two as Freddie stirred in his sleep while his head rested on my chest. He nuzzled me and continued to dream, and it was in that moment where I wanted more moments like these -- moments where I could hold Freddie and let him know that he was okay.

I loved this man, and I didn't want to ever stop loving him.

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