This Is England » Freddie Highmore

27.

WHEN IT WAS over, I felt frozen. Freddie laid next to me, his chest heaving slowly up and down. He took a cigarette and lit its end, taking a drag from the nicotine stick.

My head was still trying to process what we had done. I finally had my first time with Freddie, but it wasn't special; I felt forced into it practically.

I feel him turn his body towards me, watching me stare at the ceiling.
"You were great," I hear him say, his voice hoarse and raspy. "No other girl made me feel that good."

He touches my face with his fingers, making me turn my body to look into his light-brown eyes.
"Will you take me back?"

I felt my heart skip a beat. Why the Hell did we just sleep together?

"Why did we fuck?" Freddie hovers over me, planting a soft kiss on my jawline.

"It was my way of showing you that I love you," I gently pushed him away, sitting up on the bed as I removed the covers from my body.

"I need to leave," I began to reclothe myself, feeling him watch my every move. "I can't be with you, Freddie." I fixed my hair and attempted to grab my satchel but he stops me and pushes me harshly against the wall. He pressed his now half naked body against mine, biting my collarbone with his teeth as he began to suck on my skin once again.

"You want to be with me," he mumbles against my ear. "Stop pretending. I love y--"

I pushed him away and walked past him; turning my body back to face him with my satchel on my shoulder.

"You don't love me." I said bluntly. "You don't know what love is." I began to tear up; my heart finally cracking from its stone wall.

"I need a break, Freddie." I said. "I'm tired of always worrying about you cheating on me; I'm tired of you never wanting to communicate. What we have isn't a relationship; it's sick and demented.

"What just happened an hour ago wasn't love, it was just lust. I'm done, Freddie. I'm done trying to change you."

His face fell. I didn't care anymore, because I couldn't let myself care for someone like him.
"You need a break?" I hear him rasp. "Well you got your fuckin' break." He then walked past me, putting on his shirt as he slammed the bathroom door behind himself.

Before I left, I heard something being broken into pieces, and then I heard him snort up something.

"Fuck," was the last thing I heard before walking out of his flat; leaving everything we said behind me.

..

"I don't know, Grace," I set my cigarette into the ashtray, blowing out its tendrils from my mouth. "I try to leave him but he always comes back. I shouldn't have gotten involved with him."

We were sitting outside of some coffee shop, talking and getting together since I was upset over Freddie and the fact I lost my virginity ---unwillingly--- to him.

"I can't judge you," Grace replied. "Freddie is a broken individual. His parents basically left him so he uses drugs, alcohol and sex to numb his pain. I knew Freddie since we were kids," she took a sip of her tea.
"Once he walks into your life, you can't get rid of him."

I froze. I can never get rid of him.
I didn't know what to feel. I sometimes want to hurt Freddie, but at the same time I want to love and care for him. The only thing is, he doesn't love me.

I didn't love him.

I was finished.

...