Persphyni: I am Determined

70

The sun burned behind me. My silhouette stretching across the sand. Stretching and reaching towards him.

My head yelled, saying I was over reacting. That this was nothing. Trying to get me to feel nothing. But my heart was already shaking in its slowly strengthening structure.

Him holding her. Her holding him.

They were friends. They had survived together for six years. That's a special bond to share. Just as Wonkru in the bunker shared.

I am making excuses to protect my heart. But my heart knows.

I am making excuses so that I don't feel the pain. But the pain is there nonetheless.

But so is a new found strength. A new found determination.

I wasn't going to let him go. I've made that mistake before. Because I didn't think I was enough. Because I knew he deserved better.

I was going to become better. I am going to be the partner he needs and wants around. But I am still going to be me doing it.

Because I am enough. Or else he wouldn't come back to me, right?

I am making a promise to myself.

I will not lose him again.

A promise to him.

He will not lose me again.

And yet, I still stand here with a hurting heart as I cannot look away.

As she leans towards him. Her face closing in on his.

My brain tries to shut my view down. Tries to help take away the hurt by darkening my vision. But all I see are their silhouettes as my eyes fill with spots. And somehow the silhouettes make it worse.

They look closer. More entangled in the embrace. The black fuzzy edges of their bodies are the only thing I see. Just two strangers whom have no name. Yet they do. I know them both.

I needed water.

I needed a distraction.

I needed a blade to throw.

I had to pull away from this trance, but I couldn't.

I couldn't move. I was still a statue. The rock face cracking from the pain and pressure.

She laid her lips on his. His back ramrod straight as she sunk into his body. Undoubtedly feeling the comfort within his embrace. The warmth. The security. And I pray to whoever was listening that she didn't feel any admiration as I do.

I felt like a stranger. An onlooker struggling to comprehend the deeper meaning.

"Seda. Persphyni." My hand was grabbed and pulled from the hilt of one of my daggers. But I didn't react.

I couldn't pull my eyes away from this moment. I wanted to. I wanted to look away. I wanted to forget. But I was stuck.

Maybe I was meant to see this. Learn from it. Be punished by it.

She had kissed him.

Echo kissed Bellamy.

Everyone saw it. Everyone.

Eyes shifted towards me before back to the two. Then back to me. Everyone staring and waiting for my response. Undoubtedly assuming it would be violent.

Yet, I could only watch and hope.

His arms slid from around her as they pulled away. Echo more slowly than Bellamy. Her body language confused as Bellamy took a step back and cleared his throat.

Echo, we'll talk later.

I read his lips as he spoke to Echo in a hushed voice. The silence not even carrying his words.

Bellamy's eyes drifted to mine as Echo nodded and turned to follow Bellamy's eyes. Her own lighting up in recognition at my stoic stance. The mask I'm wearing trying to hold everything in. Echo turned her head towards Bellamy again, only her back tightened. I could only assume she was staring at Octavia who now held a nasty glare directed at the girl.

We didn't move. Neither one of us.

Bellamy's eyes bore into mine as he scanned my facial features. His eyes worried when he saw no emotion.

He began to make his way towards me. Like a chain had been broken, I took steps towards him, my own body finally deciding it was okay to move. I gently pulled free from Madi's hand and continued to meet him in the middle.

He opened his mouth to speak but shut it when I began the conversation.

"I do not want to lose you again." I paused as I took a step closer. "I want you, Bellamy Blake. I will fight and die for you. But I need to know if you still want to work towards us. Or do we stay as friends."

His eyes widened at my calm demeanor. I wasn't going to be a hothead. Not in front of these people. Not over this private matter.

Not even if I was breaking inside.

"I want us. I want to get back to the place we were. Maybe even a better place. I will fight for you." I smiled at his words. My hand coming out in between us. Pinky raised for him to interlock.

"Then let's find that better place. And find a way to get to Eden." Bellamy smiled and locked his pinky with mine.

The action may have been childish; but the small, simple touch was enough to freeze the building up around my heart. Leaving only one more layer for him to fight through.

I knew he was as serious as I was. It took three confirmations, but I was certain now. We would fight for us.

I could hear the whispers and the shocked inhales scattered around us as our exchange was handled calmly. The confusion radiated in the air as no one heard what had occurred besides the two of us.

The knowledge made me smirk as I pulled my pinky away. As well as the complete lightness I felt after we made our goals official. I know what we want, I know what he wants, I know what I want. I don't need to keep worrying about it.

Who would have guessed. Little ole me being so stressed out over a guy.

The younger me would have been disgusted. Maybe impressed I was deemed worthy to be considered a bachelorette.

But definitely disappointed at my lack of emotional control.