Persphyni: I am Determined

7

Clarke found me later that day, curled up in a ball. Hands clutching the note to my chest as tears streamed down my face.

I reread that letter twenty times. Each time getting worse and worse as I memorized the lines and knew what to expect but still got smacked in the face.

"Pers. What was in the bo- oh. Uh." Clarke trailed off as she saw me curled up in the back. Her eyes blinking multiple times as she rubbed them to see if she was seeing this right.

"It's Jasper's. The box." I whispered as I hugged the note closer to me. "I should have dragged him with us. I should have made him stay. Why am I such an idiot!" My voice cracked as I found myself on the verge of another round of tears.

Clarke said nothing as she closes the doors to the Rover and drops her loot in a corner. Her body slowly kneeling in front of the opened box as she examines the items inside.

Her hands clutch the goggles close to her chest. A small tear leaves her eye, more following as she too remembers the ghost of Jasper. All the memories they shared bubbling up and spilling in the form of tears. I gingerly passed the note I had been holding over for her to read. Then we were both sobbing messes.

After a certain point, I couldn't tell if I was crying because of Jasper or if they were angry and frustrated tears. Once I put the note back in my bag, I knew it was the later. After all the fighting we are still here. Back to square one to fight another battle.

All life is, is a war. And you can damn-well be sure that I won't go down without a fight.

Clarke on the otherhand. Clarke made me nervous as the days continued into weeks.

_______•*•*•*•_______

We've been on our own now for two months. At this point, it would be better if I stopped counting. Cause each time I mark the day, all I see is the grey walls of solitude. Only now I'm imprisoned on earth.

With Clarke here, it makes things better than if I were alone. I at least want to fight to help the both of us survive.

But I wonder if I would be less stressed if Clarke wasn't here. If she made it on the rocket I would have definitely felt less stressed. But if she had died getting the satellite aligned, I may have felt more guilty than anything.

I know that if Clarke wasn't here, then I wouldn't be as worried as I am now.

Every night, I watch her from the driver seat of the Rover. Her cheekbones very visible, her lips chapped, her face too pale even though the sun is burning us alive throughout the day.

She tosses and turns but she remains asleep. I watch her because I can not sleep. My mind won't let me. At night, I'm even more alert than in the day.

Maybe I'm waiting for a monster to run towards the Rover with sharp gnashing teeth. But really, on the darker nights when I can see the moon shining down on the earth, I open the latch and poke my head out to look up at the night sky.

Only at night am I able to see the stars. When I see them I feel closer to him. Like it doesn't matter that we're separated by an atmosphere. When I look up at the stars, I can imagine he's laying down on the roof of the Rover with me.

Sometimes that thought allows me to drift off into sleep. But like anytime, day or night, I wake up with a start. Ever since we got out of the lab, I've been having nightmares. Dreams of darkness where all my instincts are saying to flee and wake up. I've never had them before and I never want them again. But they keep coming back every time I close my eyes.

I know Clarke can see the dark circles around my eyes. She can see the muscle withering as I don't get enough nutrients while I make sure she secretly has a chunk of my provisions. I know she can see that I'm not okay, at least that's what she spoke into the walkie when I was startled awake by the darkness.

_______•*•*•*•_______

My eyes flashed open as I took a sharp inhale, sitting up from the drivers seat faster than Frankenstein's monster. My hand laid over the base of my throat as I took deep breaths in and out. My pulse skyrocketing and falling rapidly and out of control.

It was another dream where all there was was darkness and all I could do was run away in the form of waking up.

I looked to the passenger seat and sighed gratefully when I found Clarke not there. Then a wave of panic crashed before I settled back down once I heard her voice from the open hatch above.

"What's the point if all there is is pain and suffering? Real cheerful, Clarke. I'm sorry. Ignore me, ok? I haven't had water in two days. We need to find some soon or I don't think-" she grew silent then the sound of static filled the air. She was radio-ing up to the Ark. She did it everyday, it was one of the things that woke her up in the morning. The motivation to somehow reach them.

I decided I wouldn't. Not even if we made the connection. I didn't want to hear them, I didn't want to know they could hear me. I didn't want to have any contact because then I wouldn't be able to focus on the task at hand.

Surviving.

That was the most important thing right now. And damn me if I'd let anything mess that up. Because I know just hearing his voice would send us both spiraling into doing something insane.

"I'm worried about her. She doesn't sleep, and when she does they are power naps. There is something haunting her and it hurts watching her fade away. I'm certain I look just as bad, but I know she does so much. She's keeping me alive. I've noticed her rations are smaller. I wish I had the guts to make her eat and sleep, but I'm not capable of doing that. Gosh, Bellamy she needs you. And I know she did the right thing by sending you guys up there. But part of me wishes she hadn't so you two could still be together." I closed my eyes as I listened to Clarke talk. My tiredness consumed me as I let my tough facade fall once again.

"Anyways." She clears her throat and I know she too was on the verge of tears. "I doubt you can hear me on this piece of crap radio. But in the case this is the last time I get to do this, I just want to say, please don't feel bad about leaving me here. Leaving us. It was what needed to be done."