A Bit Of Death

Breathe

Hotch's POV
I drive an SUV with Spencer next to me and JJ in back. It's quiet until she asks, "why will she only talk to you guys and maybe me?"
I glance at Reid, worried and he says, "because she thinks that we have a better understanding of what she's going through and Hotch recommend that she try talking to you".
I add, "I didn't say why, but you don't have to".
She nods and says "okay, if she wants to I will...I'm not going to pry but you two should get a better reason or people will be suspicious".
Spence nods and we stay quiet till we get to the station. We all settle into the conference room and sit down when the sherif comes in. He joins us but avoids eye contact with Spencer and I, the sherif says "the girl called, she'll be here soon".
It sounds almost bitter when he says the girl but I can tell he's trying to hide that fact that he disapproves. I tell him, "okay," and in a partially stern voice I say "I want to talk to you" and walk out to his office. He looks worried and I see team get a little skittish. I'm upset and it's clear that it will not be good. I open his office door and he walks in and I close it a little harder than I mean to. I turn to him and say cold and hard "do you have a problem?"
I can tell he's uneasy when he says "no, what are you talking about?"
I keep my cold look and say harshly "well it seems like you have an issue with gay people". He stays quiet and I add equally harsh, "you better pull yourself together because we want this girl to talk and if you want to end this you better be nice to her." With that I storm out and let the door slam closed behind me, I go sit next to Spencer in the conference room and run my hand through my hair. I'm clearly stressed. Even though Spencer and I agreed our first names are not for work, he can tell I'm stressed, everyone can.
Quietly he says "Aaron," and I look him.
He looks worried and I say "it's okay spence". He nods and I turn back to the team who are all waiting quietly and watching. I nod and ask, "where we're we?"
Rossi clears is throat and says "Hotch you don't..."
But I cut him off and say "it's fine".
He says "okay. Ummm, we were talking about Alice, she was the girl with 'pathetic' cut over her heart. We were talking about why that word was cut there."
Emily adds "weak, lonely, depressed, and worthless were the words we found on Alice. But why did she have 'pathetic' there".
Spencer speaks up and says, "she probably felt pathetic all the time or the most because look at the other words. She felt strong and powerful when she cut, she wasn't alone when Chris was there, Chris made her feel happy, Chris made her feel special. The cut those words because they were common feelings but they would come and go. Feeling pathetic was something that she couldn't escape, it lived on her, it was something she felt from the scars that were constant reminders of what's in her head".
He ends his little rant and I place my hand on his knee under the table so no one knows. Morgan says "you sound so sure about how she felt".
I glance at spence and he says "when I was 18 I sent my mother away because of her paranoid schizophrenia I felt so guilty I suffered from depression. I read every book I could find".
I squeeze his knee and everyone is quiet.
I turn to him and say quietly so only he can hear "you should have told me".
He shakes his head, "it's okay".
Emily quietly says "guys, chris is here". I glance at Spencer and he looks fine and we stand up to greet her.
As we are leaving I glance at JJ and say, "hang on" she nods and I stop spencer and say "you don't have to".
He says "it's fine, I was upset because she didn't want to go. It was barely a year."
I nod and whisper "okay, come on".
She stand awkwardly in the doorway and is very quiet. She's wearing black skinny jeans with black heels, she has a black bag and is wearing a tight black t-shirt with a wide collar. Her blonde hair is long and down. She has on dark black eye liner and eye shadow with black lipstick. Her nail polish is black too. I can tell this isn't her normal look, she's sad and grieving. I look down at her and say "follow us".
Spencer stops and says "where should we go, the sheriff's in his office and the team is in the conference room. And the interrogation room isn't appropriate for this".
I think over the possibilities and I hear Chris quietly say, "we can go there, as long as we're alone". I glance at spence and he shrugs and we walk to the interrogation.
Spencer brings Chris to the room and I tell the team, "you can watch if you want".
They nod and they all follow me, Spencer sits with her and asks "do you want to talk to agent Hotchner, Jareau, or me?"
She shrugs and says quietly, "I'm sorry about yesterday, I was angry about Alice".
He nods and says "it's okay, that's part of loosing someone, how was she around other people?"
"She seemed fine, she would always act happy and okay. Alice didn't want people to know too much about her, she acted like any other girl around them," she tells him.
He says, "Alice was a track runner, did you run too?" What is he trying to get out of this?
Chris says, "yes".
Spencer then asks, "how was Alice in the locker room?"
Shocked Chris says "oh god. She was always first to change or she would change as fast as she could. Alice would always be looking over her shoulder and trying to hide as she changed. Is this my fault? I pushed for her to get a locker with mine and the other girls because she looked lonely where her locker was out of sight. It was before she came out to me. Am I why she acted like that?" She's scared and panicky that it was her fault. Her hands that are starting to shake as she nervously takes twists a ring around.
Spencer reaches forward and takes her hands and his and says "it's not your fault. She would have acted like that even if she was alone, Alice would be scared that someone would walk over or walk by and catch a glimpse. She was skittish because she was in public facility". Chris nods and spence asks, "did Alice have any enemies?"
Chris shakes her head and says "no, everyone loved her".
Spencer asks "how was she when you two were alone?"
Tears fill her eyes and she says "she ummm" she starts cry.
Spencer is still holding her hands and asks "do you want to take a break?" She nods and he says "okay, I'll be back". She nods again and looks down at the ring. Spencer doesn't react when he finds the whole team watching. Instead he walks me and stands close and we all quietly watch her. The sherif comes in and looks at Chris, I try to ignore him, he's keeping his distance from me.
Rossi says "who ever goes in next should find out about that ring".
Everyone nods and I look at spence and say "you don't have to go back in".
He's quiet and I start to think he doesn't want to when he says "will you come in with me?"
I give him a small smile and say "okay". He nods and I sigh. I didn't realize Emily was gone until she comes back and hand me a water to give her. I say "thanks" and turn to spence and ask "you ready?"
He nods and we head in, I sit next to him and hand her the water, quietly she says "thank you".
She takes a small sip and I ask "did Alice give you that ring?"
She nods and says "yes, she gave it to me because I saved her life. It was maybe a week into our relationship and I slipped into her room late one night. She was on the bathroom floor and her wrists were slashed. Alice was barely conscious but when I took out my phone to call 911 she said no. I begged her as I tied her wrists right and held them till they stopped bleeding. She was out of track and school for a couple days, she said she was sick. I stayed with her as much as I could and had her rest" she told us through tears flowing down her face. Quietly she says "she said it didn't hurt, that it felt good. Is that true?" She asks spencer.
I grow worried spencer answers quietly, "Alice is right, people who cut usually feel relief". She glances at the mirror and asks "can I ask you something?"
He nods and I say, "hang on" and stand up. I leave the room and say to the sheriff and the team, "can you guys wait outside, JJ please make sure no one comes in her to listen in for this. I'll tell you guys when you guys can come back in". She nods and everyone leaves, I head back into the room. I place a hand on spence's shoulder and then sit down.
I nod to Chris and she asks Spencer, "have you ever cut words?"
I hold spencer's hand and he squeezes tightly and says "yes".
She nods a little and asks "did anyone ever know you cut?"
Spencer says quietly "no, Hotch was my first. First boyfriend, first kiss, first everything".
She nods and says "did her parents know?"
I shake my head and say "no".
Spencer's hold doesn't loosen and she says "how do you do it?" looking at me.
I look at spence and say "same way you did".
Spencer quietly says "he did this morning". I'm shocked he told her and by the looks of it so is she.
I ask "can we talk about your relationship?" She nods a little and I ask "was there a dominant one in the relationship?"
She nods again, "usually me, I would lead each kiss, that sorta thing". I nod and spencer stays quiet. "it's weird, I mean, I know that other people cut but at the time it feels like she's the only one and no one else understands what's going on. I still can't believe that I've met you guys". I watch her as she sniffs a little from crying earlier. Spence let's go of my hand and slowly rolls up his sleeves, he holds them out for Chris. "Can I?" She asks quietly. Spencer nods and she gently touches spence's right wrist. He flinches a little when she touches him and I place a hand on his back and rub it soothingly. She pulls her hand back and says "do you ever wish that you never started in the first place?"
Spencer pulls his arms back but doesn't role up his sleeves, under the table he scratches his wrists and says "sometimes yes, before I was with Hotch I was glad I started, but when we were together there was something worth living for. Before I felt alone, like the only thing I looked forward to was to lock myself in my room and just cut". He starts to shake a little and I know he wants to cry. She nods and thankfully our chairs are close enough so I can pull spence so he's leaning into me.
She quietly says "her funeral is in a week". She says "I don't think I can't go". I reassure her that she can and stand up, spence and Chris stand as well and I hold Spencer's hand and open the door for her to walk out. I slip my hand from spence's and open the door to the hallway, JJ leans against the wall next to the door and I thank her. She walks off and we walk Chris out. She says thank you and goodbye and leaves. Spence and I go back into the conference room to join the team after she leaves. Quietly we sit back down and I lean forward on the table and then stand to put up my notes on the board.
As I finish up writing and spencer slips his hand into mine and I ask "you okay?" He shrugs and I nod understandingly. I tell the team "she said the funeral is in a week".
I say "I think we have a profile".
We all head out and I have Morgan get the sherif and round up everyone.