A Bit Of Death

Snap

*I LOVE BOSTON, ITS NOT REALLY LIKE THIS I JUST CHANGED IT FOR THE STORY*

Reid's POV
The jet starts to descend and it wakes me up, I don't move or open my eyes but lay still and listen.
"Should we wake them?" Morgan asks.
"No you can't wake them up! They are too adorable!" Garcia says, scolding him.
"Are you sure?" Emily asks.
JJ answers her saying, "one of them always seems to wake up when the jet starts to descend, I say we wait".
They go quiet and after a while I feel their watchful eyes leave Aaron and I and they talk a little. I start to shift and pretend like I just woke up. I try to open my eyes but I immediately closes them and groan when I see the lights, I'm not faking this part. Everyone quietly laughs at me not wanting to wake Aaron, I reach for my phone to check the time and then toss my phone somewhere on the couch at our feet. Thankfully it misses both our feet and lands safely on the couch. I know the team is watching me but I don't care, I stare at Aaron as he peacefully sleeps. I hear the planes wheels go down, we should be landing soon. Gently I kiss Aaron's soft lips and he holds me closer and mumbles something. I try to get up but he won't let go so I try to pry his arms off me, whining "Aaron". He finally let's go and the jet hits the ground. Once the jet has stopped moving I help Aaron get up, I grab our bags and we all head to the SUVs. It's about 7:00 at night so we all head to the station first. I get in a SUV with Aaron and Rossi, Aaron drives and I sit up front with him. The case starts to run through my head and I tense thinking about the cutting, I want to cut so bad. Aaron realizes that I'm upset and he slips his hand into mine and rubs the back of my hand with his thumb. I try to relax but I just can't, we ride quietly to the station and when we get there I internally groan because even though we are aloud to date we still have to act professional.
We get to the station and Aaron greets the sheriff and introduces us by saying, "I'm SSA Aaron Hotchner, this is agents Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan, David Rossi, Jennifer Jareau, and Dr. Spencer Reid". He lingers on the end of my name but I don't think the sheriff noticed. We all set up in the conference room and I pin things to the case boards. When I finish pinning things onto the board I sit down next to Aaron at the table.
We all go through the files and I point out "the hotel we are staying at is a mile from the college and a block from the station".
Rossi comments saying "that convenient".
I nod and we start to look over victimology. JJ says to me "so you said it looks like the same type of blade was used in each kill".
I keeps my eyes on the picture of the wrists and say "yes, I think so".
"What do we know about these three girls?" Morgan asks.
Emily speaks up saying, "the reports show that there's scars, cuts, and some healing cuts. So when they found this first girl they just assumed suicide".
Rossi then points out, "it looks like each girl cut and the second victim, clare, was on medication for depression."
I hear Aaron speak which causes me to lift my eyes from the page to him, this is the first time he's commented since he briefed the team. He says "this is definitely murder, the hook at the end of the cut and three in three days is definitely a enormous spike in suicide if it's not murder." I nod but I'm not really focusing, I want to go lock myself behind a door and a draw a blade across my wrist. When Aaron starts to assign us tasks it try to listen, "Rossi and Emily stay here and look into back rounds and any other way to connect the victims. Morgan go to the morgue with Reid. JJ and I will stay here with Rossi and Emily for a while, when your finished we'll meet you at the latest victims dorm to interview friends and look at the crime scene." Everyone says okay and Morgan and I head out to leave, Aaron walks with us and let's Morgan go ahead, holding me back to talk. We stand out side and the cool night air wraps around me and the sounds of traffic rings through the streets. Aaron and I both know to be careful so he holds my upper arm and stands close to me and whispers "be strong spencer".
I look down and say in a small voice, "I'll try".
He squeezes my arm before letting go and I head to join Morgan in the SUV.

Hotch's POV
I let Reid go with Morgan, as much I don't want him to leave I know we need him to go. I know going to the morgue won't physically hurt him but I'm afraid of how much it will hurt him inside. I hope sending was a good idea, I watch as the car drives off before heading back inside. JJ, Emily, and Rossi are sitting down discussing victimology, I can't imagine what Spencer is going through. He has to live with his own cuts and now stare at three bodies that have cuts like his.
My thoughts are broken by Rossi shaking my shoulder saying "Hotch".
Emily leans foreword on the table and asks "Hotch are you okay?"
I nod and dismiss their worry and say "yeah, I'm just...tired. What were you saying?"
JJ gives me a doubtful look and says "Morgan called. He said Reid found old scars, like they cut words into their skin. Morgan said that he can barely see and he doesn't know how Reid could even find it".
Rossi smiles and says "well that is very Reid?"At first I'm shocked but I soon realize he means spencer being observational, I smile a little. Rossi eyes me and asks "are you sure you're okay Hotch?"
Once I again I say, "yes, everything's fine". They all give me skeptical looks and the sheriff walks in saving me from further questions.
He sits down with some new photos of the girls and another report saying, "these are the pictures of the words". Everyone takes some pictures and we look at the words, the collection of photos I take are of the third victim. The picture on top is of a wrist with the word "lost" cut into her arm. In silence we all flip through photos, I have a couple more than Emily, JJ, the sheriff, and Rossi so they wait for me. I feel their eyes on me as I look at the last few. I still have some left when I see the "pathetic" on her upper chest, over her heart. My blank work expression falters just a little and my sadness shows for less than a second as I think of spence. I can't count how times spencer has said that he's pathetic, how many times I'll held him and told him he's not, how many times I've hushed him and rocked him to stop the tears. My heart melts for this girl and I just want spencer back in my arms. I don't bother with the last few pictures, after "pathetic" I drop them on the table and sigh.
The sheriff says "so what do you guys get from these because all I see is sum messed up college girls" I bit my tongue to stop myself from yelling at him.
Instead I let Emily say "theses are chronically depressed girls."
I can't stop thinking about the "pathetic" one so I say, "it looks like these girls put time and effort into cutting" I dig through the pictures for the pathetic one and continue saying, "look, this would require a mirror and some skill, this isn't just a cut."
The sheriff speaks up, "but still, a cuts a cut, just because they used a mirror doesn't make it worse, it doesn't even seem so bad".
I try to hold back but I snap, "it's still a cut. They're still making themselves bleed, they are so depressed that they are willingly scaring themselves and purposely inflicting pain on themselves. It doesn't matter how it seems, because either way it's bad." I stand up dropping the picture in my hand and walk out of the conference room and out of the building. I sit on a bench out front and place my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. I feel the cool air over my like a blanket but I don't mind, I'm to angry and worried and sad to care. I hear the sound of footsteps growing and I don't look up, keeping my eyes on my knees the person sits next to me and places a hand on my back. Based on the perfume and small hand I know it's one of the girls. We sit for a moment, quietness and her hand on my back. Finally I hear her, JJ, say "Hotch, what's wrong?"
I shake my head a little and say "I don't know what to do anymore."
"About what?" She asks.
"I have a friend...we've been friends for what feels like forever and I just don't know what else to do. It's the same thing every time, they cry and I comfort them. But I'm afraid that that's not enough, what if I can't be there next time," I finish and my voice wavers slightly, I didn't lie, I jut didn't say who. And JJ know I've always kept my personal life secret until spence and I, hopefully she just thinks it's me telling her about a friend I've kept secret.
She rubs her and up and down my back and says "Hotch, it's okay, the fact that your trying to help is out standing. Most people would leave or send them away immediately but from what you've told me you're helping your friend more because you are trying to help them. You're not sending them to some hospital for help because you want them to be happy. I don't know what to tell you to do but it's not your fault". I nod a little, it's all my fault if something happens. I love him.
The door opens and I watch JJ out of the corner of my eye, she nods and says "Their done at the morgue....you should take to Reid" she says, I nod and we walk to the door, pausing outside she says, "my sister sliced her wrists too, be glad you know so you can try to help them."
I nod again and say, "thanks JJ....I'm sorry about your sister".
She shakes her head and says "I think about her everyday, but one day it didn't hurt, I will always love her". She smiles at me and then holds the door open for me. We walk back into the conference room and Rossi says "Morgan and Reid just left for the morgue now, you guys should get going." We grab our updated files and Rossi stops me and asks "are you okay, I can go if you want".
I give him a small smile and say, "I'll be fine," I look at Emily and see her worry too but I just give then a weak smile and join JJ in the SUV.
We drive a short distance and as we pull in JJ says, "I'm gonna talk to Morgan, spend some time with Reid before we head in." I thank her and we get out and start to head over to where Morgan and Spencer are waiting. Morgan's leaning against the car and Reid rubs his arm a little, he looks cold, as JJ approaches Morgan as I walk with Reid so we are out of earshot and a little hard to see. He looks worried and I silently pull him into a hug, I tense a little but it's not so bad, the pain is numbed by my thoughts. He strokes my hair and whispers, "shhh it's okay, shhh Aaron....What happened?"
I shake my head and say "the sherif said cutting wasn't bad, I snapped and then left. I sat outside with JJ, we talked, don't worry, no one knows."
He quietly says "shhh it's okay". I try to pull him closer but I know that's impossible because we're already hugging.
Quietly I ask him, "how are you?"
He shakes his head and says, "terrible."
I can tell he wants to say more but just can't, I slip my hand into his hair and say "hey, it's okay, shhh, I'm so sorry spence, I'm so so sorry". I ramble over and over saying sorry.
He stops me and says "don't be sorry, I have you". I nod a little and he pull back a little, our lips connect and we share a sad, compassionate kiss. He pulls back and places a hand on the side off my face, and my arms are still around him and he says quietly, "it's fine, we wouldn't have found the words".
I nod a little and whisper back, "let get this over so we can head back". He nods but be don't break apart, we stand there for a while. My arms around his lower back holding him with his hand pressing on my chest and his other one resting on my upper arm. We stare into each other's eyes until we know we have to go back to JJ and Morgan.

Reid's POV
*earlier when Reid left for the morgue with Morgan*
We ride in silence for a moment until Morgan asks "Reid, is everything okay?"
I stay silent for a moment before it tell him, "yeah, it's nothing". Morgan doesn't pry because he knows when to leave things alone. We get to the morgue fairly quickly and I play with the edge of my sweater as we walk in. I'm nervous. I wish Aaron was here, I listen to his voice in my head over and over, "be strong spencer". Morgan eyes me suspiciously but doesn't say anything. We walk in and Morgan introduces us to the ME. I raise my hand and half wave with a small smile and say hello. The three bodies are out already and I walk over to the second victim, I pull gloves out from my pocket and ignore the talking between Morgan and the ME. I hesitate before slowly grabbing her wrist and turning it to see the cuts, I freeze and stare and it seems like the only clear thing I can see is the self harm. I can feel their eyes on me so I gently place her arm down and move up. At first I doubt myself and then I reach for the cover and peel back the sheet just enough to see the skin over her heart. When I first reached for the cover I heard Morgan cautiously call my name but I ignored him. Now I can clearly see the skin, to any normal person it would appear normal. But I'm nothing close to normal, from cutting I've been able to see scars that normal people don't pick up on. When you cut you search for any sign that there's a scar, and now, I see it. The word "pathetic" is carefully carved over her heart. It looks like it was once repeatedly cut until about a month ago. I gently drop the cover and examine the scar, this takes a mirror and much skill. She wanted to feel this. I can tell Morgan and the ME are confused because I faintly catch Morgan ask, "what Reid?" I don't answer as I cautiously trace the word with my fingers. A small amount of skin is exposed between my glove and sleeve and I reach to pull the cover down a little so I can see the rest of the "c". My bare skin brushes against the corpse of the girl and I feel how cold she really is. I drop my the cover that I'm holding and step back and hold my wrist close to me. All I can think is "that could be me". Morgan comes around the table to me and place a hand on my shoulder and says, "Reid. Reid! What is it, what's wrong".
I shake my head a little and in a bit of a daze I say, "nothing, nothing. Sorry, I just thought of something." I breathe in before I say, "here ummm" I walk over to the table and point to her chest.
"What about it?" Morgan asks.
I shake my head, I actually though he would see, sometimes I'm to foolish. Ignoring my thoughts I tell him, "look," and I point at the scar. He shakes his head again and I say, "follow my finger" as I gently trace the scars of each letter.
When I finish Morgan says in shock, "Reid you really are a genius" and he hits my shoulder lightly. I give him a small, fake smile and we go through the bodies finding words everywhere. Morgan takes a step away from the table and calls Rossi. When he finishes he tells me we should leave and we thank the ME before getting back in the car. I play with the hem of my shirt and Morgan can tell I'm anxious, it's hard not too. I've been really quiet and fidgeting since we got to the station I stare down at my lap but I can feel his eyes on me as he continues to glance repeatedly at me.
Finally he asks, "seriously Reid what's wrong?"
I shake my head, you can't just say "oh I'm sad because I cut and one day I'll be cold and dead on a table like that". Instead I say, "I don't know, I'm just tired I guess". Once again he let's it go and we drive in silence, it starts to get hot, or at least from all the anxiety that's bundled up in me. As we pull up I take off my sweater, I leave it in the car as we wait for Aaron and JJ. Morgan leans on the car and it amazes me how he's only wearing a t-shirt because the wind is starting to make me a little cold. I shiver a little as they pull in, I'm miserable and just want Aaron to hold me. When he gets out of the car I can tell something's wrong, JJ goes to Morgan and I turn and we walk from ear shot. I'll explain why I'm sad later, now I have to be strong for him.
* * *
*SORRY I'M NOT REWRITING THIS FROM REID'S POV, THIS IS JUST REID COMFORTING HOTCH AFTER HE SNAPS AT THE SHERIF*