A Bit Of Death

It's Okay

Hotch's POV
When we get downstairs Emily and jack are hanging out and talking in the living room. Spencer helps me carefully sit down on the sofa and then joins me. Jack beams and says "Daddy!" He gives me a strange look before he asks "are you okay?"
I smile reassuringly and say, "yeah, I just got a bruise while catching the bad guys".
Spencer frowns and whispers in my ear, "more than just a bruise". I roll my eye but let him be. I lean into his side and we listen to jack talk about his day at school. There's a knock on the door and Emily gets it because we all know it's Haley. She enters the living room with Emily and says hi to everyone and grins at Spencer and I.
We all talk for a bit before it goes quiet and Haley says "you two are so cute".
Spencer smiles shyly and I say, "we try" and hug him.
He blushes a little and Haley's phone buzzes, she smiles before she says, "come on jack, say goodbye because we have to leave if we want to meet aunt Jessica in time".
He says "okay" and says bye to Emily and hugs spencer and I together.
I wince a little and Haley notices, frowning she says, "listen to him" and points at spence. I roll my eyes and he gives me a satisfied smile. We finish our goodbyes and they leave.
I smile and say, "about a year ago she was telling you to listen to me".
He smiles and says "funny how things change".
Curious Emily asks, "what was a year ago?"
I laugh and say "what wasn't. Let's see.... first I came out to Haley and we decided to get divorced. That same night spence called me because he fell down the stairs and dislocated his knee".
Smiling he says "I remember that".
Grinning I say, "could you forget...how'd you even fall".
He gives me a sheepish smile and says "I was reading". I shake my head and we all laugh.
I check my watch and say, "we should start getting ready".
Spencer throws his hands in the air and says "you never listen!" I brush it off and he mumbles "so much for rest". I let him help me stand, heading upstairs I stop toward the top and spence looks worried.
His grip stays firm as he asks me, "what's wrong Aaron?"
I breathe fast and say "just quick pain. It's should stop soon". He turns and hugs me and I hide my head in him. I breathe him in and let him stroke my hair calmingly, I sigh. We stand there for a while before spencer pulls back enough for us to share a deep passionate kiss. Our tongues slowly move to a steady rhythm, he lightly bites my lip and the kiss stays slow. We break the kiss desperate for air but we stay so close that when he speaks his lips brush against mine, he whispers "we should get ready". I nod and we go to the bedroom. In the room he helps me sit on the edge of the bed, I lay back but keep my feet on the floor.

Reid's POV
I stare at the closet and decide to pick Aaron's clothes out for him, I takeout semi causal clothes for him, a button down and pants. I end up choosing pants and a light purple button down with a black tie and sweater for me. I slide his shirt of and then slowly slip on the button down and slowly do the buttons. I help him stand and use me for support to finish changing. I let him pull my shirt off and start to button my shirt up. He ties my tie for me and then helps me pull on my sweater, I smile at him. It's weird how ever though I don't need help I still love having him help me. We kiss and I put my hands on his back, pulling him close. I keep in mind of his chest, we are so close we are almost touching. We break apart and i check my phone quickly, we have a while so we sit on the bed.
I let my head rest on his shoulder and his head is on mine, I hear him mumble, "how are you?"
"Fine" I tell him.
"Honestly?" He asks and I know he won't except my answer.
Sighing I say, "honestly, I'm close to breaking".
We sit in a short moment of silence before he says, "it's okay spence, you can do this".
I tell him "this is the longest I've ever gone without cutting. At first I thought I can do this but now it's so much harder. I already broke my promise to you once, I don't want to do it again....I'm sorry".
He rubs my back soothingly and says, "it's okay, it's okay. you're doing great and you know it. Things getter harder with time but you can do it. In one try maybe not but you can. And your promise, that's also okay. And you know why?" I shake my head a little and he continues, "because you tried. You're gonna cut, it's not going to just stop. But each time you try again and you accomplish a little more until one day you just don't feel the need to pick up a blade. I won't be mad at you, I love you".
I turn my face into his neck and say quietly, my voice muffled, "I love you too".
He slips from my grasp and stands up, he places his hands on my upper arms and asks, "better?"
I nod and stand up we kiss before I slip my hand into his and check the time. He see the time too and we head to the car hand in hand. Emily is heading to the car right when we are, I sit in the passengers seat and I let Aaron drive. We sit in silence, I think Emily can tell we need it. We absorb the peaceful silence as we drive to work, when we pull in we get in the elevator, Arron and I hold hands, only breaking our grasp to wrap an arm around the other in the elevator. He squeezes my hand before heading to his office, I sit down and try to focus but now it's impossible.
I doodle to pass the time and the team all starts to settle in, after a while JJ asks, "Reid are you okay?"
I shrug and say "I can't focus".
Morgan worriedly asks, "have you talked to Aaron?"
I shake my head and say "no".
Rossi asks confused, "well why not talk to him?"
I stare up at Aaron in his office and say quietly "I just can't stop thinking about Aaron". A hint of a smile shows on my face but it disappears and is replaced with a cloud of worry. I stand up and make coffee, when I sit back down I try sip my coffee and do a crossword puzzle. In frustration I let the pen drop from my hand and I stop, raking my hand through my hair.
I glare at the crossword puzzle and JJ's voice causes me to look up, she say "Reid it's fine, calm down. Try to relax". I glance around at all the worried faces. Then nodding and picking up the pen I lean back and close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing and twirl the pen in one hand. It hasn't even been a minute until I startle everyone, I jump up quickly and through my pen on the table and walk off. Everyone jumps in surprise and Garcia shrieks. I give up and head straight up to Aaron's office, ignoring the calls from the team. Not knocking I walk into the room, and close the door, Aaron looks up when I enter. He can tell something's wrong, instead of walking to me he walks over to close the blinds. Right as he closes the last blind I catch a glimpse of the nervous team. After he finishes he locks the door. He turns to me and then wraps his arms around me pulling me into a calming hug.
I whisper "Aaron" when he hugs me, I felt him tense up from the pain from the contact and his breathing becomes sharp breathes.
He knows what I mean and he quietly says, "it will go away, let me adjust". I let him even though I don't like the idea. I feel the tension in him fade away and feel his breathes even out. In my ear he whispers, "what's wrong?"
I let the question sink in and my thoughts run. I'm worried about his chest, I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm uneasy...sometimes I don't even know how I'm feeling or why, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. So I tell him, everything.
He sighs and says, "come on, let's sit down," I nod and let him guide me to the couch. First he lowers himself down so he's sitting with his feet stretched out on the cushions. He pulls me down so I'm on top of him curled up and half laying down. Carefully I let my body touch his chest as I gently let my head rest on his chest. I listen to his heart beat and breathing, he breathes quickly from the pain of contact but it returns to a regular, steady pace soon. When he starts to speak I feel the vibrations in his chest. He strokes my hair and says quietly, "my chest will be fine, I know I don't always listen to you but I should. It will be fine over time, besides I've got the world's most amazing doctor curled up on top of me. And when you're scared and you come to me, does that help?" I nod but I don't speak, he continues "if it helps don't worry, I'm here and you can do it and it's fine to get help. I'm here for you. Your also uneasy from all the stress, don't worry. We will be fine, in the field and not, we'll be okay because we have each other. It's also okay to feel like you to cry, that's your thoughts taking over, you listen to you head too much sometimes. You can prevent a lot of this with help, but you also need to get some sleep. You're tired and I can tell". I lay on him taking in it all and listen to his breathing. It's calming and steady, I've started to relax.
"Okay" I say, it's barely audible but I know he heard. I pause before saying, "I think most of the stress and uneasiness and lack of focus is because of worry....maybe too much. I just worried about your chest mainly and in cases your safety".
His arm that is wrapped around me start to move in a random pattern and he says "I know you worry and so do I, I would tell you not to and everything will be fine but with recent events I can't really say that because we both know reality. But we don't have a case so it okay for now". We lay quietly until one of his hands drifts to my wrists and he quietly asks, "can I see?"

Hotch's POV
I wait for him to answer but I start to think silence means no, I watch what little I can see of his face from this angle. Then I realize his hand is very slowly rolling up his sleeves. He rolls both of them up and then holds his wrists out for me to see. I can tell that he hasn't cut in a few days, maybe three. I take one of his wrists in my hand and lightly drag my fingers across, I let go and he pulls his arms in close like he wants to hide them and forget. Gently I tilt his head up to look at me and say, "it's okay spence, shhh it's okay," I repeat it over and over to calm him. I can see the sadness in his eyes so I lean down and give him a long caring kiss, my tongue slips into his mouth and he lets me guide his.
We are finally forced to break for air and he says, "I think we've worried the team".
I nod and answer, "I don't want you to go." I know I should be strong but I can't hide my feelings either.
He turns and snuggles into me and whispers "I don't want to go". We stay curled up together enjoying each other's presence until Spencer's phone goes off, I read the text from Morgan over his shoulder, it says "heads up, Strauss, trying to stall her now".
He groans and I stroke his hair, "I know spence, try and get a little done before we go". He cautiously maneuvers off me and stands up, he helps guide me up and we exchange a short, caring kiss. I kiss his forehead and whisper "I love you," keeping my lips against his skin.
He whispers back, "I love you too". We break apart and I grab a paper and open the blinds, he head back down to where everyone talks to Strauss and I head to the copier so it looks like spence just gave me papers. Hopefully Strauss doesn't notice that I just opened the blinds.
She approaches me at the copier and asks, "can I speak to you in your office?"
I nod and say, "sure". I see the team watching and I feel helpless because I can't say or do anything to calm them. I close the door to my office and Strauss sits at the chair in front of my desk, I take my usual seat behind the desk. When I sit down I try to stifle the pain, I think she noticed but if so she hasn't said a thing.
She says "I've talked with the director and we've decided that if your team does one more case we will give you a two week vacation, it will help your team and you to catch up on work and recover." I thank her and she says, "I have to go speak at the academy but good luck on this next case". I thank her again and she hands me a file before leaving. Once she's gone I look over the file and groan, we've got a serial killer on a college campus. I stand up and walk to everyone surrounding spence and I feel guilty letting him leave like that.