The hurt was implausible and I never learnt to get past it. I didn't even try. I loved it. I loved every ounce of it because I never wanted to forget what we had.
I never forgot what we had and I was never going to till my last breath. Every minute detail was still unsullied in my mind. She was in the air I breathed in. She was in the nectar of flowers. She was in the melody of chirping birds. She was in my heart. Protected and very much alive! Then how did she stop being there? How did I forget her? Why didn't she stop me?
She was always so right. She was never a priority. If she was then I wouldn't have done what I did. I must have valued her but I chose not to. She knew it. She knew all of it which is why she decided to leave me. And I deserved every bit of hurt she made me live through.
I stared at the auburn timber gate for long and the remorse submerged me. I longed to go to her but I felt so dirty. I hated how I was pussy whipped. With guilt surfacing me to extremes, I finally came out of my car and walked toward the timber gate. My trembling hands fumbled with the lock as I tried to unlock it.
I walked inside staring at her abode. She loved being covered in fragrant flowers and I always made sure to bring her favourite flowers. For the first time, I didn't bring her favourite flowers. How could I? How could I even touch her grave with the same hands I touched someone else, with the same hands I forced someone.
Even the scene of watching that girl bleeding, gave me goosebumps. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to tell her that I raped a little girl. She was like a kid...it didn't even sound good now. My heart vibrated in my chest as I tried to reach her grave. I settled near her, drowning in guilt.
Every time I looked at her grave my burnt heart was filled with love but today it had nothing more than guilt and ashes of my perished love.
It was her. Always her. Forever her. She ruled my heart. She was my queen.
But, she was gone. She was no more there to embrace me in the comforts of her slender arms. She was dead and ice-cold in her grave.
'I'll come back.' Those were her last words before she shut her eyes forever to be engulfed by a heart wrenching petrifying peace.
Ever since I waited for her to come back even though I knew she would never be back again. I knew I couldn't have her in my life again. I knew I couldn't see her smile, breathe or even her anger. I couldn't rake my hand through her pretty curls again and piss her off yet I waited for her every day. But, she never came. My thread girl left me alone. She left us alone.
I dug on the mud in front of me with my fingers trying to escape the memories of cheating on her. Our union was not until death does us part, it was something so promising that not even death could do us part.
"Happy birthday, baby!" I wanted to scream, cry, and eventually kill myself and fall in her arms. I had chosen a great day to give her another great present. I had always let her down. I had given her nothing more than hurt and heartache.
"I did a heinous crime. You'll hate me, baby. I forced her. She bled. I don't know what I did to her. She- shit! She's our Hazel's age. Eri, baby I swear I thought-"
How could I tell her that I thought it was her? She would never believe me. She never forgave simply and I knew she was going to hate me forever for this. I could never bear her hating me.
"Her voice. Her eyes. It reminds me of you. It's exactly like yours. Shit! I'm sorry baby. I'm really sorry. How can I even compare you to a random clumsy girl? How can I even compare you?" I gripped my hair pulling them hard. My throat felt so sore and heavy as if a wooden log stuck there.
"You were right. You were never my priority. If you were I wouldn't have done this sin. Punish me for this but talk to me. Please!" And then the same silence followed like always. She was slowly filling up my heart with pain.
Sometimes, it felt like, it was a nightmare and I wanted to wake up from this long sleep. Sometimes it felt like when I wake up from this long sleep she'd hold me close to her and smile her midnight laugh. But the reality was she was asleep and I was awake.
And she'd only hold me close and kiss my wilted lips when I fall asleep.
Whosoever said time heals everything was wrong. Nothing could heal the pain of losing her. Nothing could compare to the emptiness of not having her beside, not having been able to talk to her.
I didn't know what was more painful, everything that happened or the things which never would.
I hated it that she had to go. Out of all the people the innocent ones had to go. I looked at the midnight sky, trying to picture my Eri Perri in her angel dress. She must have been so disappointed with me. She must be hurt. She must be crying, all because of me. I always had the habit of hurting her.
"Eri! I will not see her. I will never do this ever again. I'm sorry. I got carried away but what could I do it felt like you were with me. How could I push you away?"
"I'm not comparing you with her baby. She's nothing to me. I don't even know her name. She's nothing. Nothing!"
I sat in front of her in regret and remorse. I had so much to say to her but I knew she wouldn't hear me. My heart was bleeding at the loss. I hated her. I hated her so much to leave me in so much vain. I hated her for not fighting for her life. I hated everyone including her.
"I hate you!"
"I really do," I told her in a hope that she would reply. She was so fortunate that she would never have to experience the same pain.
"I do not miss you."
I stared at the ring on my finger that she slid in. I never dared to even remove it once since then. I had ruined everything between us now. She was going to walk farther now and I was afraid of it.
I shuddered when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to look at Hazel. I couldn't even look in her eyes. I was scared if she knew what I did to her friend. I was dead scared of what if that girl filed a case against me. What was my Hazel going to think of me? She would start hating me. She would leave me alone too. I held her hand tightly as he hugged me from behind.
"What are you doing here?" She whispered.
I stared at her mother's grave still begging her for forgiveness which I knew I would never get now.
"You won't come here again." She commanded pulling my arm to get up.
"I want to stay for a while." I didn't want to leave my Eri Perri yet.
She huffed in despair, shaking her head. "Why do you like hurting yourself like this?" She asked.
I wasn't hurting myself. I had hurt her mother tonight, on her birthday. I had made her believe that I wasn't capable of mariage blanc. I had made her believe that I couldn't keep a simple promise.
"I bet she doesn't like this too." She sighed.
"You've barely been with her for six months. You don't even remember her." It was so easy for her. I wished it could be that easy for me too.
"Add seven months to those six months. I was with her more than you. You've barely been with her for eight months. How does eight months of love equate to nineteen years of suffering? I know she doesn't like this. Somewhere she must be hurting too." She said.
She was right. I had given my Eri good reason to hurt for. I smiled. I had lost her again. I had disrespected her.
"Let's go home." She looked upset and I knew I was doing a pathetic job being a father.
"Yanez?" I asked.
"Waiting outside." She replied. I nodded my head and asked her to go out. She shook her head feebly and walked out of the graveyard.
I stared at my wife for long before getting up, "We deserve each other, right? We both can't keep promises."
I turned around and closed my eyes, "I love you and I do miss you a lot." I walked away to find Hazel pacing around in worry.
As soon as I reached her, she hugged me firmly. I looked up at the sky. I always pictured a family of two, Erin and I. I now had a family of two, Hazel and I. I wished she was here. I wished if she could come back but the truth was...
She was never coming back.
***To Be Continued***
I feel so heavy in my heart.
Damn! Why?
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