Cut!
FleurLennon
Chapter 1: Last Day of Filming
Chapter Text
How weird it was to stand amongst the busy crew after these last five years of being on and off the set of Doctor Who, knowing this was probably it. Till this day it had always been more or less certain that she was coming back at some point, that they would keep having River around to spice things up. However, with Matt leaving the show it had seemed a good time to say goodbye for River as well.
At least that were her thoughts during their making of ‚The Name of the Doctor‘.
She had had a conversation with Matt a while before they started filming the series finale and she had known about his plans to go. When they shot their last scenes together, she had taken them as exactly that: last scenes. Whenever somebody asked her whether she had put a lot of herself into River that day she answered she might have and despite being a good actress, she probably had.
* * * * * * * * * *
In summer, when she had been on stage in Manchester, Steven had rung her up and sent a surprise-script. During Comic Con in San Diego he had worked some magic and had come up with a – again kind of bittersweet – happy ending for River and the eleventh Doctor in the Christmas special. They would be stuck in the library together. Whether they would live happily ever after there – who knew?
Anyway.
Apparently, she was required again. One more episode. Once more some lasts – only this time they seemed pretty final. She had agreed on coming back without hesitation, sure, she had told Steven that it was likely for them to go to New York with Macbeth but he had promised to work this out.
Other than that, she had had little objections to make, neither had her agent nor her colleagues from the play. Doctor Who was too big, too loved. They all understood.
‘We’ll have you round for Matt’s Christmas party, even. Just you see me pull strings.‘
‘But Steven‘, she had said, ‘there is no end. In the script. Something’s missing. The last lines I’ve got are…second…‘
She had flipped through the pages, struggling to keep her phone in place with just her shoulder.
‘Right, last lines: “River is standing on the meadow, glancing at the Doctor approaching from afar. She takes a few, slow steps toward him but then moves no more and just waits. To be continued, approximately two and a half minutes.” Two and a half minutes are a lot of time on screen!‘
‘Well Alex, he always comes for her. Just this time she hasn’t exactly called‘, he chuckled, ‘I’m sure you and Matt will find a way to end this. You don't have to use the two point five minutes, but you can. No time pressure. All up to you! I’ve got to go, ok? See ya in Cardiff, Alex!‘
‘Wait? You’re leaving this to us? D’you think that’s a good idea? Uhm. Listen‘, he had hung up, ’Fine!‘
She had also meant to tell him to say ‘Hi‘ to Sue for her. Scots.
* * * * * * * * * *
‘Matt, Alex, you ready? Five minutes!‘
‚Are we ready, good question‘, Matt frowned, ‘See, the last bits I’ve got are the Doctor joining River in the library and finding her in the meadow. That’s actually it. I don’t think that will take us that long.‘
She smiled up at him, noticing he seemed a bit uneasy. It was peculiar, being back, being part of the crew for one more time. So familiar yet so strange. Would she ever know when to put River behind herself?
To Matt she said, good humoured:
‘Unless you walk very, very slowly, dear.’
‘Nah, see. Funny, right. But. See, Steven told me we ought to… feel them. See what they would do. So? How do you think they’d react to each other? After Trenzalore. Do you think they’d just, they’d just be glad? It’s not that difficult to understand why my Doctor decides to go back to her but – can they?‘
Matt scratched his head, almost putting his wig out of place. ‘You know he sometimes does things without thinking them through.' Alex shrugged, thought about it, looked at Matt quietly and then, just like that, her features changed.
‘Your hair looks ridiculous, but I like the purple coat. Suits you. Forgot to mention that the last time we met. It was a busy day‘, she sighed and nestled at his bow tie. He relaxed, catching up on the mood.
‘Don’t tell me you’re not surprised at all to find me here, because I can tell you’re not. No more need for spoilers.‘
‘Well. I might have had an encounter with a charming, not so shy, grey-haired man who looked more mature than and not as baby-faced as you…once…or twice…or…‘
He sighed and put his wig into danger again with his hilarious fingers.
‘Grey? G-R-E-Y? As in: not ginger? Not a slight red shimmer to it?’
She shook her head, stepped a little closer, straightened his jacket and hummed:
‘He has a Scottish…tongue…as well. Bit rude, but intriguing. He’ll be fine.‘
He let slip a shocked ‘River!’ but failed at hiding his amusement. ‘Scottish, hm? Scottish.‘
Snorting softly, she let her hands fall from his chest to her sides and whispered, sounding steady but not as steady as River would usually be:
‘So you’re finally here. Ready for this?‘
‘Not in the slightest‘, he answered.
They looked at each other challengingly until they were called to shoot the scene.
‘That would leave us a bit of time to…you know… do Doctor-River things‘, Matt mumbled cheerfully while they were on their way and Alex felt the familiar unwelcome but not-as-unwelcome-as-she-would-like-it-to-be tingle in her belly.
‘Don’t overthink so much, Matt. You’ve been the Doctor for years, you know how he is. I know River. Sort of. I’m sure we’ll think of something. Ah, this is really a bit stand-up, isn’t it‘, she replied as lightly as she could, patting his back understandingly before he left to stand on his X on the other side of the green screen.
She tried to focus on what she was going to say and tried breathing her anxiety away. ‘Doctor-River-things‘. He did not seem as confident today as he usually were, did he. He seemed somewhat awkward and slightly troubled. Where was the young charming man cracking a smile at her, exclaiming ‘And I you, Miss Kingston!’? What was wrong? And why did she feel so disappointed? She used to enjoy their flirting and she had missed it.
It was obvious – to her in any case – although she had hoped she had come to terms with it by now. She felt pathetic, but she couldn’t help it. What had she been supposed to do? He was Matt.
It was not until the director demanded their attention that she got back to reality: ‘Matt, Alex, you have two and a half minutes. Steven’s been a bit unorthodox yet again but we trust you two to make the best of it. Still, sadly there’s no time for more than three takes. Better have it right the second time so we can smooth it out during the third‘, he looked around nodding at the crew, ‘we all agree it’s nice to welcome you back, Alex! And too short for a proper reunion. Set? Let’s –‘
‘If necessary‘, out of thin air Steven appeared, looking gravely from Matt to Alex and from Alex to Matt, ‘we’ll cut bits if necessary. The less rehearsal you – and the less takes we – get, the better.’
* * * * * * * * * *
As she watched him walk towards her, she gave him a wink. Not for the camera, for reassurance.
They managed their improvised lines just fine during the first take. Mr Moffat – it – smirked and seemed to approve, but would not comment much on their ideas. He just suggested she should also mention the black bowtie. She promised she would do that during the next take.
‘So you’re finally here, are you ready for this?‘
‘Not a bit.’
This time he caught her hands when she let them drop and cut in when she was about to speak. With her mouth still open in surprise, she glanced up at him.
‘The black one‘, he murmured huskily, grasping her hands tighter, leading them back to his collar, ‘it’s the…‘
She smiled and planted a feathery kiss on his knuckles. Right, their wedding.
‘I’d noticed.‘
He pulled her into his arms, softly invaded her mouth and suddenly it was all warm and everything was blurry and...She was so smitten. After all those years, it still made her giddy to kiss him. She had missed this. Oh, it had been so long and she had thought she would never have his lips on hers again. Unconsciously she smiled into the kiss as she deepened it a tiny bit, still wanting to be a little closer to him. She slid her arms around his neck; let her hands wander to his shoulders when, without warning, his tongue nudged against hers. She could not supress a gasp. There, again. She clutched his arms a little tighter.
What was the matter with him?
She broke off, saw a few shimmery teardrops and intuitionally pressed her lips to his closed eyelids. Not needing an explanation, she rested her cheek on his shoulder, facing the camera without looking straight into it. The next moment, with the help of her own bleary eyes, she stopped noticing the camera completely. She had to; she bit her grinning lip.
When he shuddered, she hugged him impossibly tighter. Then, all of a sudden, – as if he had flipped a switch – he buried his head in her hair, sniffed her noisily, shuddered again, lifted her up and spun her around the way he does, making one of his weird, enthusiastic happy pirouettes.
Gripping his shoulders, she laughed with him. He was such a child behind his old-looking eyes.
‘Cut! That’s it. Are we…? Yeah! We’re done. There’s a bit too much heat in the middle part for children’s TV, really. Also it’s a trifle too rose-coloured as well, I guess.’ The director looked torn and everybody waited for him to announce the third take, but he didn’t.
‘Forget it, we’re making a drama show. You know what I really think? It’s overall very good. We’ll see. Yeah. I think we’ll make something out of this. Probably can’t include all of it. Bit of cutting here and there. Everybody? Let’s applaud. That’s another wrap for you, Alex! You were amazing! I’d say goodbye but we’ve had that a few months ago and yet here you are!’
‘But we were supposed to have another go, weren’t we‘, Matt stammered, looking bewildered, ‘Why don’t we..?’ Nobody seemed to pay attention to him, but Alex listened in wonder. Instead of finishing his sentence, he joined in with the others and clapped for her, until a satisfied-looking Steven approached them. She had no chance to comment on what Matt had just said.
‘We’ll see about cutting bits‘, Steven snorted, ‘he wouldn’t have said all that if I had written the scene down that way, I swear. This was as real as acting gets. Nicely done, the both of you. Alex.‘ He bowed slightly and she curtseyed a bit. Just a bit.
* * * * * * * * * *
‘Was it your last scene, too, darling?‘, Alex asked, trying to think of explanations while accompanying, rather guiding, Matt off set, ‘must feel ten times as weird for you as for me, I suppose. It’s-‘
‘No, no, I’m shooting again tomorrow, last scene’s tomorrow. Someone’d have mentioned it, if it had been my last scene. I just thought we’d get another try. Oh boy, that was really it.‘
She was taken aback by how unhappy he sounded about that, but he was probably talking about his work on the show as such and not about their last shot together. Last shoot together. Oh, Alex.
‘Maybe we would have had to do it a third time if you were a bit more rubbish as an actor, darling.’
Knowing it would do her feelings no good she gave him another hug and told him she was quite sad to leave Who, too, but that there’s a time for everything. She also told him that she was sure he would feel better in a few weeks and that, at some point, he would not doubt his decision anymore. He should make sure it was a blast to film tomorrow.
‘It is true what they say, Kingston. You were – you are amazing.’
He did not actually react or reply to anything she had said but thanked her nevertheless and after excusing himself, he stormed off the way only Matt could.
Confused but flattered she wrapped her arms around herself while walking to her cabin, focusing on breathing, trying to shush the mood boiling up, spreading from her stomach to other places where it really had no business. Images of how physically close they had been half an hour ago kept flickering up before her inner eye. Her body still betrayed her, still reacted to him on a more than professional basis. She wanted him to touch her and she longed to touch him. She fancied Matt the way River fancied the Doctor and she knew it would take her a while to stop thinking forbidden thoughts about him again. She just wished she could… without cameras.
It would not be a good idea. He was not even interested in her. Not like that – and she was not keen on being called a 'Sugar Mama' or something equally mean. It wouldn’t work anyway, since it was one-sided and since their lives were so different. Oh dear. It wasn’t fair, but such things rarely ever were.
Fancying someone was the one thing. It happened. It passed. It was more than common and happened to lots of actors playing couples. It had come and gone throughout her years on Who. She was a grown-up woman and she knew how to deal with this. Yes, she would overcome it one more time. That was her mantra; that was what she told herself.
While she changed into her own clothes and said goodbye to River she sobbed anyway, not exactly knowing why. She knew she should not, but she kept the earrings. Alex could never know whether she would or wouldn’t return. As unlikely as it was, nobody ruled out the possibility. She could always claim she had wanted to give them back the next time she was on set.
She had a feeling River would have done the same.
He had been looking for her constantly since his arrival at the great Doctor Who Christmas party. They hadn’t met since her last day of filming and, honestly, he had been trying to forget all about her in the meantime but figured, as always, he could not. Maybe he was being stubborn, clinging too much to a tiny shimmer of hope. Who was over for him, he was free. He wasn’t just innocently fond of her, the way she thought he was. He needed to talk to her. Very badly.
A few times he saw her golden curls shimmer from the corner of his eye, but whenever he wished somebody a good evening to go after her, somebody else would step up and would want to talk to him.
He wanted to talk to them too, to all of them, very much so, but he grew impatient and his happiness to see them all got overshadowed: He couldn’t spot her anymore. As politely and heartily as he could – he genuinely didn’t want to ditch to anyone – he shook them all off, telling them he hoped to have a drink and a longer chat together later.
Eventually he was found by Karen and Arthur and he almost ate them up alive so delighted was he to see them. The great search was postponed even further, but this time he got really distracted. He loved these people. Enthusiastically they chattered away, laughing a lot and enjoying themselves. Alex was wiped off his mind for some good thirty minutes; until Arthur brought her up again.
‘We talked to lovely Miss Kingston just before we ran into, also lovely, you. She assured us she would catch up with us later. I wonder where she is. Kaz!’, he cautiously shoved her away, ’Kaz did she say anything? Do you see her anywhere?‘
Karen ceaselessly nudged Arthur’s shoulder with her own, giggling and sighing dramatically: ‘She knows’, nudge, ‘she’s in trouble’, nudge, ‘for not having caught up’, nudge, ‘with her mother’, nudge, ‘for months’, nudge, ‘I tell you!’, nudge, ‘That’s where her headache’s from.‘
‘She’s been busy‘, Matt muttered, even though he knew it was no use reasoning with them when they had had punch and that, also, they weren’t really cross, ‘She has the part of Lady Macbeth plus her role on Who, everyone would be busy, and she’s a mom. That’s probably why she hasn’t gotten in touch with you lately.‘
‘Busy trying to stay sane‘, Arthur joked, ‘But a promise’s a promise. God, Karen, stop’, nudge, ‘She did mention a headache though, that’s true, so I guess she went outside to get some fresh air. I’ll go check on her.‘
His friend was about to hand him his mug when, at one gulp, Matt emptied the rest of his wine, put the glass on a nearby table, quickly saying that he was going himself. Already having one foot out of the hall he went back to hug them both tightly, insisting on having a more quiet and less hurried reunion in the pub some days later.
They agreed on texting each other, but Karen told him that he had no excuse not to show up again for some dancing throughout the party. ‘Arthur’s been looking forward to do interpretive dance for you again for months, can’t you tell! He can barely stand still.’ Arthur growled. ‘I cannot keep still thanks to YOU, KAREN.’
* * * * * * * * * *
It was a chilly night and he wished he had brought his jacket. Upon spotting her shadow, and her shadow alone, he decided he was not going to bother with anything as trivial as a jacket. He was eager to see her face. Not just eager; he was afraid.
‘Evenin’ Alex. We miss you inside.’
‘Huh – Who is…Is that you, Matt?’
‘Yupp’, he confirmed, stepping round the corner and leaning next to her against the wall of the building.
‘How did you know it was me?’
‘Look at your shadow, Kingston! Your head is gigantic. No one here has a head like you do. It’s a beautiful head, though. I like it.’
She looked tired, but her lips curled up.
‘It’s hair, Matt. The thing you used to have plenty of, too. But thank you.’
‘Touché. They, uhm Arthur and Karen, told me you had a headache. Would you like some aspirin?’, he started rummaging around in this pockets, ‘I’ve got some, somewhere. I swear.’
‘Always prepared when going to a party, aren’t we?’, she answered. Then, shifting her head to look up at him she said ‘Yes, please. That’d be nice of you.’
He stared into her eyes for a moment, startled.
‘Well, my headaches usually start the morning after’, he fell silent for a second, ‘let me go inside and get you some water, I’ll be back in a minute. And, Alex, aren’t you cold? D’you want me to get you my jacket?’
She shook her head.
‘You haven’t been crying, have you?’
She shrugged her shoulders without putting much effort in it. Lord, he wanted to comfort her.
‘What happened? What’s wrong? Look, I’ll go get you some water. Just stay here, ok?’
He rushed back in, thinking about how stunning she looked tonight in her ruby dress and these ruby heels. Even in her sadness, she was stunning.
* * * * * * * * * *
‘Tell me?’, he suggested while watching her drown the aspirin with the water.
‘I don’t know. It just happens’, she took another sip, ’Sometimes things overwhelm me and I end up crying. I don’t know. It’s ridiculous but I can’t help it. And all that noise – my head doesn’t like it. I’m not in my twenties anymore.’
He contemplated that for a moment.
‘Like when we were in Utah?’
‘Like when we were in Utah.’
‘Neither am I, by the way. In my twenties, I mean. Do you want to go home? I can see you home if you like.’
‘Nah, I’ll be fine. Thanks again. I’ve only been outside for so long. People kept running into me. It’s not even midnight yet and it’s definitely not like I don’t want to be here’, she sighed, ‘What’s funny?’
‘Happened to me too, all evening. Meant to talk to…well, you – for example. It was as if they’d been queuing or something. Dunno.’
‘They probably have. How are you tonight? Doing better?’, she asked, putting the glass on an outer window bench, leaning back against the wall. Her hands were so tiny. He watched her rub warmth into them until she hid them in the ends of her scarf.
Indeed, how did he feel? Better? Compared to when?
He was nervous, he thought. When she had been on set more, he had been more confident with her. Only – this was not the answer she expected to get, not at all.
He probably chose to say the most obvious thing because it was safe and he had nothing casual he wanted to talk about. Well he had, but not right now.
‘Suppose I haven’t properly realized anything yet. I’ve got this feeling I’m hanging in the air. Gonna end up in need of a job for the rest of my days.’
‘Nonsense. You won’t. As if.’
‘I might want to direct some more, you know. But I love acting.’
She nodded. ‘Then that’s what you should do. Do whatever you prefer as long as it keeps you happy. And content.’
Staring into the distance she fell silent and for a while there was little to hear except their breathing.
She shifted again and he noticed she was studying his face and it made him uneasy. In a strange way. He said nothing.
‘Can I ask you something, Matt? Don’t laugh at me.’
Looking down at her, he signalled she was free to fire away.
‘What was the matter with you when we were shooting our last scene? No, don’t look shocked, you were brilliant. I’m not criticizing you. Actually, I look forward to seeing our results’, she took his hand and squeezed it, ‘You just… your behaviour, it was different. I can’t put my finger on what exactly I mean’, though she could, ‘Did something happen that day? Maybe something I said?’
He pressed his lips together and she let go of his hand. Pushing himself off the wall he scratched his neck and turned around to face her.
‘I didn’t mean much by it. You don’t have to tell me, darling. I was just wondering. You seemed odd to me that day. Could’ve been linked to anything. Thought you might want to talk about it.’
When, relenting, she reached out for his cheek, he considered letting her but decided he’d catch her wrist instead. His grip was not hard.
I meant to kiss you, Alex. When we finished ‘The Name of the Doctor’ I spent some time thinking about the way you looked at me when we… and it wasn’t the first time I’d find myself thinking about you that way. I knew you once said you liked kissing me, you said it in interviews, too. So I meant to kiss you. Really, really kiss you. Not for the role. To see if you liked that as well. Oh God I can barely think about something else when you’re around and it keeps nagging me when you’re not. So would you like that? Would you like me to snog you senseless? Because I would, but I doubt you would, so all I could think in that moment was how those buggers from the BBC had ruined my last chance to kiss you at all.
Again, he said nothing, not trusting his voice. Words would fail him; he was sure. He searched her eyes, questioningly. He didn’t know what to do.
Wriggling her wrist she met his gaze and laughed nervously at his expression, not fearfully, but no. No, he made no move to release her. She reached out with her free hand to unfold his fingers and, again, he was not going to let her do that.
Single-minded he held her gaze while he crowded her back to the wall and he held it still when he had both her hands pinned down above her head. Still, his grip wasn’t hard.
‘Feel free to give me a mighty kick in my balls’, he breathed, his face inches from hers.
‘Alex’, he started anew, ‘now would be the right time to do that.’
She closed her eyes and waited, feeling her cheeks flush, nodding once, her body coming to life already with Matt hovering over her.
His pulse made his head fuzzy but when he cupped her cheek with his other hand and let his fingers gently ghost over her features his movements were steady enough. Tracing the form of her mouth with his index finger he became absorbed in watching her reactions. Was she actually enjoying this?
He felt the warmth of her breath and she fought the half-hearted desire to rain on his parade and stop him before he’d do anything he might regret, but she couldn’t. He was being so affectionate with her. What was he aiming at? What on earth was going on? Her eyes flickered open but she couldn’t bear to look at him. She squinched them shut again, struggling for air. They were so close.
He desperately wanted to crush his mouth to hers and he couldn’t deny it, he wanted her, against this wall, right now. He tried to argue himself out of that; he didn’t want to rush things. No quick fuck against cold bricks that would leave her back in pain as a first. No quick fuck as a first at all. He grew harder all the same thinking about it. No, not a one-time thing. He had been waiting for so long; he had to pull himself together and wait a little longer.
He leaned down to press a kiss to her collarbone, slowly continuing all the way up to her ear. He heard himself panting but he didn’t care. ‘Would you like me to continue, Alex?’, he murmured, swearing to himself he wouldn’t even if she begged him to. His body, unperturbed, melted against hers. ‘Try to stop me, nothing could, stop me’, he whispered, ‘I’ll have you right here.’ Unable to resist her warmth and the softness of it, he pressed his erection into her abdomen, causing her to arch off the wall in response and, to his shock, to shriek.
Not moan, not sigh: shriek.
He had very little time to react but managed to wrap an arm around her waist to keep her from falling just in time. He thanked the odds for bringing this to a halt and hoped desperately that this wasn’t going to stop them completely.
‘That was close. Thanks’, she looked up, cheeks blushing even deeper than before because of how close their heads still were. ‘Those goddamn shoes!’
Her voice was husky.
‘They’re sexy.’
They studied each other’s faces until he found himself in danger of shoving her up against the wall and starting all over again, so he did the only thing he could think of and tickled her. It didn’t do much to ease the tension.
‘Matt!’ She laughed, slipping out of and back into her right high heel. ‘I’m all dizzy. What was that? Darling, I didn’t expect you, –‘
‘Hush. I asked you a question and I need to know. You’re not going anywhere before I know. What is your answer?’
He helped her stand properly but kept his arm around her tiny waist, drawing her closer. She took a moment before she placed her palm over his, entangling their fingers, squeezing. He allowed his front to rest on her head briefly, nuzzling her hair, before he suggested that they could go back inside, celebrate a little more with the others – have a good time.
She agreed immediately, grateful for the distraction. Would she have stopped him? No. She would not have stopped him. Even so, she could barely believe that he wanted, well, that he obviously wanted her of all those women he could have and she had, God forbid, she had fancied him since their first day of filming. And it had never really stopped. She didn’t know why, she didn’t think it was a good idea but tonight was tonight and tomorrow she might think it a worse idea even – so she was willing to let it happen. She would have thought herself selfish, but he had initiated this. He wanted her. Her head, she noticed, was swimming.
He offered her his arm and she took it, gladly. She smiled at him, feeling shy. He cracked a smile at her. No doubt, this was insane, but it felt good. Really good.
‘The others are waiting. An interpretive-dancing Arthur was mentioned’, he smiled still, feeling giddy, feeling excited. He was so happy.
‘Do you know that, when I was younger, I once –‘
He couldn’t help himself, seeing her glowing face, seeing her so much livelier now, cheeks all red, her hips brushing against his as she walked next to him... She was so, so beautiful and he had to lean down and bring their mouths together. When she parted her lips he backed off. ‘I know that story of yours’, he breathed into her mouth, ’And thinking about it I went from half-hard to hard again. Don’t tease me or I won’t be able to control myself’, his tone was serious, ‘And, be assured, you want me to control myself very, very badly.’
‘You already seem very, very much in control of yourself to me’, she mumbled a tad admiringly when they stepped into the hallway.
‘Don’t you see Alex, I’m not.’
‘Stay close behind me when we walk through the crowd and nobody’ll notice’, she hummed, chuckling. She shuddered at his defeated, ‘yeah, as if that’d be any help’ whispered straight into her ear, and bit her lip as he took her advice anyway.
* * * * * * * * * *
Karen spotted them first and beckoned them over.
‘There you are! Where have you been! It’s been ages. We thought you’d gone lost. How’s your head, Alex?’, she asked.
‘Much better, thank you dear. Did we miss out on something?’
‘Not yet’, said Arthur, his movements already in sync with the music, ‘You’ve had her long enough, Matt. Ready to dance, Miss Kingston?’ Alex nodded and took the hand Arthur extended to her. Matt watched them make their way to the dance floor in wonder.
How was she able to walk so gracefully besides her almost-accident, besides these goddamn shoes?
‘Woah there, he’s really talented, isn’t he?’, Karen acknowledged, ‘Though I don’t know much about dancing, to be fair. They sure look good. Do you think he had lessons?’
‘Dunno. But what I know is this: you and I know nothing about standard dance, it’s true, but it never, not once, stopped us. Let’s go, Kaz. You look stunning tonight. Very sixties with your short hair and those huge eyes. Very Twiggy.’
‘Matt’, she complained, ‘Matt I’m not interested in you! I know it’s hard for you and I’m really flattered by your interest but you just have to accept this: it’s not going to happen. Never was, never will. Don’t laugh! You’re really handsome, well a bit too skinny and your chin really is a huge and, Matt, not even your sharp tuxedo can change my opinion! I was going to say you’re too damn polite but, ahh’, she jumped,’ I’m reconsidering! This is serious! Listen to me!’
He had dragged her along anyway, bursting into violent laughter at her cheeky exclamations. She was adorable. Mad, ginger, Scottish and absolutely adorable. They freaked out hitting the floor. Arthur –‘Arthur, NO, it’s embarrassing! You really shouldn’t! God! It’s always the same. No, Matt, not you, too. You’re terrible. I HATE YOU!’ – joined them at some point. Alex didn’t. He looked around searching for her and saw her chatting to Jenna, Richard and Peter. He noted that her eyes kept wandering to find, and rest, on him rather often. Him, of all people. Indeed, what a lucky boy he was.
Both thought that none of the things happening tonight made sense and unaware of the other’s opinion, they agreed that, sometimes, things simply didn’t make sense and that, sometimes, they simply didn’t need to.
Growing tired of dancing they joined Alex and the others. He had talked to Jenna and Richard earlier, but was delighted to shake Peter's hand. So was Karen, calling him ‘the other Roman and now Doctor’. Both smiled.
Listening in on their conversation Matt, who said unusually little, soon understood what everyone was either so excited or so upset about. Peter really seemed to be so unlike himself – age, posture, the way he spoke and probably thought – and, as a consequence, so would be his Doctor. For the most part he thought that was a good thing, the right thing, maybe.
‘Wow, I still cannot imagine working on Who without you there to annoy me.’ It was a funny accent she had. He loved it. He’d miss it, like he missed Karen’s.
‘Apologies, Jen. I’m sure you’ll be taken good care of’, he said, winking at Peter who made a soundless ‘ah’ and shrugged: ‘I dare say it might be the other way round.’
'Don't worry, neither of you. You’ll be fine.' There wasn’t really something else he could say.
‘Stop it, Matt’, Jenna chuckled, ‘Stop being so nice.’
‘He’s only ever nice when people are around’, Karen agreed, grinning at her.
'Jobs come, jobs go', Alex said, returning to the topic, a smile playing on her lips. ‘He’s right, Matt’s right. You'll be fantastic. Both of you. Different, certainly, but fantastic.’
Different.
Something was wrong; there was an edge to her voice that startled him. Actually, since she had already given him the word, Matt noticed that something about her was different. Something sceptical had flickered up in her eyes when, saying his name, she had looked at him and there was a bit of tension in the way she stood. She had been able to walk and dance just fine, so it wasn’t her ankle. She seemed absent-minded. Somehow he doubted any of it had to do with the future of the show or the actors making it. He knew exactly what her eyes were like when she was focused on something, when she was a hundred percent there. At the moment she was not.
He kept trying to read her as unobtrusively as he could, kept trying to initiate eye contact and kept failing. She probably avoided it on purpose and that worried him. What could he do?
‘Uh, Peter. If you should ever happen to have the pleasure of filming with Miss Kingston here, be aware that, though you seem to have taken over Jenna quite quickly, bit too quickly for my liking –‘
Jenna poked him lightly in the ribs and he put a friendly arm around her shoulder, shaking her a little. Both women raised their voice before he could go on. ‘Don’t’, they said. The consonance was interesting. Alex’ voice was much huskier and there was less amusement in it than in Jenna’s.
‘What? I was just about to tell him that, however charming he may be, he certainly won't be able to win over both of you.’ He raised his eyebrows at Alex. ‘Or will he?’
‘Darling, behave.’ She turned to Capaldi, lightly touching his shoulder. ‘It’s no use listening to him. He simply likes to sulk’, it was her turn to raise her eyebrows now, ‘don’t you, darling.’
Jenna mimicked a bored yarn, disentangled her shoulder from Matt’s arm and snuggled into Richard’s instead. ‘I was waiting for that to happen. It’s been half an hour since Matt came to stand with us and he left her in peace till now. New record, I guess. I’ve only filmed with Alex once, but they kept bickering and bantering, those two. All the time’, she inclined her head, ‘At least whenever I was around.’
‘Yeah, I remember that’, Karen threw in before either of them could protest; ‘Don’t deny it, it’s the truth.’ Arthur nodded his approval, adding that they had made it a kind of sport. He gave Alex a wink, which she didn’t notice. Instead, Matt’s and her eyes met and she rolled them at either all of them or exclusively him or everyone except Peter. He wasn’t sure. ‘Apparently you’re all jealous – and rightly so’, he grumbled as Peter laughed, quietly saying ‘I see’ under his breath.
‘You’, his hands wandered to where the hem of the Doctor’s jacket would have been, ‘You all just watch me take her home tonight’. He shot her a challenging look.
If she noticed that he was actually asking her a question, then she chose to ignore it. Deliberately unimpressed she retorted that she had been counting on that, causing another round of laughter. Subtly but surely, she was knocking him back. This wasn’t going well at all anymore.
The topic changed to Christmas and Christmas shopping for presents and nowadays consumer behaviour and how the BBC merchandise went along with it. Unable and unwilling to concentrate on that Matt offered buying a new round and, to his surprise, Alex followed him. She had told the others she was going to help carry the glasses. ‘But we’ve already got glasses’, Arthur had called after her. She had chosen to ignore him, too. Anxiously he envisioned what was going to happen.
‘Matt, wait.’ To his relief there still was warmth in her voice but she seemed careful not to walk too close to him.
‘Mh? Miss Kingston? You’re always free to tell me when I’m too nerve-racking, you know that, don’t you?’
‘I can manage’, she said lightly. Then, in a more serious tone, she continued. ‘But apart from that I need you to listen for a second. About earlier: I think I was overwhelmed and my reaction a bit light headed. I simply have to ask: What are we, what are you – because you started this – what is happening? What had, no has, got into you?’
She spoke low and fast and cautiously kept her distance, even her voice sounded more reserved, less warm now than the moment before. He thought of how her hips had brushed his and how red her cheeks had been. He started feeling seriously queasy.
Shit. But hadn’t they kissed afterwards? Hadn’t she returned that kiss?
A cold shiver ran down his back. He hadn’t meant it like that, but if she had perceived it differently, then he was boned. If she had misinterpreted him, if what was bothering her was the thought that he might have been trying to take advantage of her, then he was facing the worst worst-case-scenario possible.
‘Hey.’ Alarmed, he came to a halt and intently studied her face. ‘Hey. Is this – Are you afraid? Of me? Are you questioning my motives?’
She half-shook her head, her curls bouncing along.
‘No I’m not afraid. That’s not the point, but –‘
‘Yes. Yes it is. I would never –.’ He swallowed hard and lowered his voice. ‘You don't think I was going to violate you, do you? Because – if you think I was capable of doing that, going to do that – oh God. No. Alex. Why didn’t you just belt me one. Why did you let me touch you? God.’
Taken aback she raised her eyebrows. He didn’t notice.
‘Okay. Good. This is going to be awkward, but I’ll... I will explain. I’d rather deal with you thinking I’m a childish idiot than a rapist.’ He still didn’t notice the bewildered expression on her face. ‘I can try to explain. I can’t justify but –. Just, just listen, ok? You and Arthur, you two used to be very close, right?’
She nodded.
‘Guess you’re still. Oh this is so –.’ He pulled her aside to prevent people from overhearing them, but was careful not to maintain nor reinitiate serious body contact of any sort. No more mixed signals.
‘Sometimes, when we were out, Arthur and I drank one too many.’ He sighed. ‘Truth is we used to get mind-boggingly wasted. Normally we’re both moderate social drinkers, you know that, but every now and then he and I went, no go and just lose it.’
‘So? What has that got to do with me and with tonight?’
‘Wait. Well, you must have told him that you liked’, he lowered his voice further, swallowing again, ‘that you liked dominant guys –‘
‘I must have done – WHAT? Excuse me. What-goddamn-ever gave him – you – this idea? That’s not anybody’s business but mine.’
'I knew you'd not like to hear that, nobody would and I understand you. I do. See, we were very, very drunk and all we did was to try and think of ways to tickle out the truth about River of you’, he licked his lips, embarrassed. ‘This sounds a million times worse compared to the actual thing but I beg you, we were intoxicated and a couple of years younger. This must sound to you like as if I was trying to blame you for what happened, but I don't. It's not your fault. It's mine. I just want you to see that I meant what I said. You could have hit me or just said something and I would never have started anything at all.’
She looked positively humiliated, shocked. ‘Not that many years younger’, was all she said. ‘You talk about me like that.’ It was a statement, not a question.
‘God, no. Arthur probably doesn't even remember, don’t blame him. He adores you, he really does.’ He inhaled sharply. ‘But I couldn't forget.’
This was awful. This was terrible. He knew he should have talked to her about his feelings before shoving her against a wall. He averted his eyes, wanting to give her space but feeling it would be a grave mistake to leave it at this. He wished he could reach out for her hands, he wished he could make her see that the only motive he had was one she could reject, but one she could not despise.
Neither said a word and Alex was shaking her head lightly. Matt was about to restart explaining himself in an act of desperation when she snorted, massaging the back of her nose.
‘We, Arthur and I’, she said eventually, ‘we were visiting an exhibition that displayed, amongst lots of other things, act photography. And there was this picture of a naked, blindfolded woman. She was facing a mirror, unable to see.’
She sighed.
‘I don’t know where else this could come from and believe me, I don’t appreciate you two talking about –, whatever. Okay. That woman in the photo stood with her back to the camera so it was us who saw her reflection. Not her, well, I mean, if she hadn't been blindfolded, she would have been able to see herself but she couldn't. The vibes I got were quite thrilling in an undefinable way. There were so many possibilities to interpret it. It impressed me, it impressed Arthur. It’s hard to do such a picture justice with words when words make it sound so, so much simpler.’
He could tell she was revisiting said gallery. Her eyes rested on Arthur’s silhouette, making out where he stood. But they looked through him rather than at him, unfocused. He wanted to contradict her, wanted to tell her that the way she spoke about the picture proved her words. He couldn’t grasp what she had seen but on the other hand he could see her standing in front of it and for him that was enough. He could see the impression it had made on her.
Alex blinked.
‘I made a stupid joke that night, saying she might as well be a representative of a certain sexual milieu. I wasn’t too serious, but then again it was a valid idea, in my opinion. I might have let slip a thing or two too much. Oh dear, I’m sure I have. Always the same.’
Rubbing her right ankle with her left shoe she turned around to face him. On him, he noticed, she focused. He did his best and tried to hold her gaze, shame prickling on his skin.
‘Arthur asked me, I assumed he wanted to annoy me, whether I had experience in that area and I didn’t lie. I’m not, well, it’s not’, she, too, lowered her voice, ‘I do, okay, I do have a thing for dominant men. But I’m not craving hard-core bondage or anything. I’m not judging either.’ Her eyes flickered from his, back to where the others stood.
‘Oh’, she said ruefully, ‘why can’t I ever keep anything to myself?’
‘We were intoxicated’, Matt echoed his own words, his voice flat. He should have talked to her sooner. How obvious that was now that he had already screwed up. ‘What more can I say; I’m an arse, but I wasn’t going to –, when I told you to kick me in the balls I actually meant it. I wasn't going to. God. Even thinking about it is painful.’
‘Maybe we should go and get those drinks, the others are waiting’, Alex said, rather collected, ‘We should postpone this. Take some time and really talk to each other.’
‘Forget about those drinks and the others. I’m sorry about the Arthur-story and it was stupid of me to act on it without –. We, no, I have to –. See, the last few weeks everything was simply –. Nothing felt or feels real. None of this seems real to me, tonight doesn’t either. Sometimes it does, sometimes it just gets to me and, to be blunt, when it does it’s quite unsettling, but –. Never mind that. I should have approached you in a different way. It’s just so hard to pull myself together when everything is bright and happens so fast. It’s no excuse. I’ve managed okay but around you I seem to –I should have told you that, that –.’
Nervously he ran his fingers through his hair, searching for words, not knowing how to put it the right way.
‘What I’m trying to say is that tonight, not just tonight though, that I desperately wanted to be near you, but I didn’t think it through. When you’re around everything is different. I am different. Life doesn’t necessarily become more real, but –. Alex. What am I supposed to say? That I couldn’t hold back and acted on an impulse and the reason why I did that instead of warning you first is –, it just happened. I don’t know about you, but everything is loud and dazzling and… I am beside myself anyway, but near you I can hardly control myself at all. Damn I’, he gave up, defeat almost palpable in his voice, ‘I’m making this worse.’
His words made more sense to her than he thought. She knew what he meant. She just didn’t know what it meant for her. He wanted her, it was clear. She wanted him. No denying that either. But why, why did he want her? What was it that unsettled him when she was near? How could she tell him that, after two failed marriages, she wasn’t going to give up on a stable friendship for the sake of sex. She knew he liked her as a person. He was Matt. It would be unlike him to reduce her to some woman he desired. But then again, at the moment, a lot of his behaviour was unlike the Matt she knew. He was clumsy with his body, not with words. Not the other way round. He looked so pained.
‘I wasn’t thinking you were going to rape me. I was trying to tell you that before you interrupted me and started to…come clean. My problem is that, the more I thought, and still think, about what happened, the more questions it prompts. You meant what you said when you said it and I meant it when I said I wasn’t afraid of you and that that wasn’t the actual point – mh. Indeed, what would have happened if I hadn’t twisted my ankle since I wasn’t going to fight you off?’
She stopped.
‘When you put it the way you just have, yes, then I see what you’re trying to say. I am going to dismiss it and answer you the following and I’m going to say it once: If I had wanted you to stay away from me, I would not have shown false modesty. I got your hint, it was explicit enough, and I would have found a way out without it as well. You’re Matt. You’re not some heartless criminal. I let you touch me.’ She bit her lip. ‘If I hadn’t twisted my ankle we would have had sex. Now, the questionable thing is whether you know what you really want from me, because I’m not willing to get hurt and lose you as a friend for the sake of sex. That’s what I was light-headed about. I was determined to just go with it because it felt so good, see, because you wanted me, too. But what about the consequences? I think we need to talk about all this. It’s not just you; I need to be honest as well. Open. There’s more to it than unresolved Doctor-River tension and sleeping with you will not resolve it. Well, not for me.’ Her voice cracked and it made him ache. Did this mean that she had serious feelings for him? ‘Revealing my thoughts is a scary thing, and please do not sneak anything to Arthur next time you’re on a pub tour, but telling you has become necessary; you – we – made it necessary. We can’t just let this carry us away. Let’s desexualize it a bit, let’s tone it down.’
Her voice got warmer again and he, his guilty conscience far from quiet, felt he was blushing. He had made a complete fool of himself tonight, hadn’t he. Softly clearing her throat she nodded towards the bar and they began to move. Could it be?
He couldn’t tone it down; he had to come clear, as she had so aptly put it. Now and for real, no delaying things any further. Reflecting about what she had just said to him, he gathered what courage was left and stepped behind her to walk as close to her as he had a few hours ago.
It affected him immediately.
‘Alex’, he said in a voice so inaudible only she would hear, ‘Alex. Is this serious? This is serious. Whatever it is you want to be open about, there is something you have to know before you say anything anymore: I am in love with you. I cannot think about anybody else and I don’t even want to. I have fallen in love with you and it is way too late for me to try and not get carried away.’
‘You… Yes’, she said, glancing up at him over her shoulder, ‘yes, same here.’
His eyes widened. What he felt now, he couldn’t describe. He found out he had stopped walking only when he felt her fingers wrap around his wrist to lead him on. ‘You too?’, he whispered, the movements of her body in this bright red dress and the shiny mess of her curls piercing his eyes. She did what she had so often done to reassure him and responded by squeezing his hand. Only now he noticed that hers was sweaty, shaky even. Unbelieving he squeezed back, by intuition almost, and her hand stilled, her fingers entangling with his.
All the time she kept weaving their way through the crowd.
He intensified his grip the tiniest bit and she shivered. It was as if they hadn’t misunderstood each other at all and now those words full of meaning hung in the air. Finally, he was able to really look at her again.
Worse: He found he couldn’t stop. Karen eyed him suspiciously and he guessed even Arthur noticed that something was weird. They had told them that they had run into Billie, David and some others, which was the truth, and that that had been why they had been gone for such a long time, which was only part-truth, but who cared. Richard and Jenna happened to be engaged in conversation with people Matt didn’t really know anyway, so at least they weren't aware of how much time had passed.
Together, they drank a toast to the new Doctor who, in return, toasted to the old one. Alex smiled at everyone as she clinked glasses. When it was his turn, her eyes were a luminous green. ‘Cheers’, he said. ‘Cheers.’ It sounded like a promise.
The air got heavier with every minute. It was almost impossible to stand there and have small talk while trying not to stare at her. She fascinated him: her movements, her words. She seemed so much more at ease. Paying attention to what was said she put in her two cents every now and then. Still, she wasn’t completely absorbed in the conversation. Yes, yes she was very composed, he observed that much. Only her lightly shaking hands could give her away but they caught nobody’s eyes except Matt’s. How still her hand had become as it had been in his.
Sometime after midnight, Stephen and his charming wife joined them to claim Peter for themselves and Arthur decided to try and teach Karen how to dance. They swept off.
Basically, he thought, he and Alex were on their own now. After all the mess he had made he was unsure what he should say but she took charge quietly, closing the space between them until they stood quite close but not too close.
‘I have been in love with you for such a long time’, he breathed, seamlessly taking up where their conversation had ended, ‘you have no idea. I can’t believe it’s not just me. I would have been lucky to make love to you once. I never dared to hope at all, except for the moment I held your face in my hands at the wall tonight. I thought it was the wrong place for a first time. You have no idea how long I’ve had these feelings for you. Are you really sure it’s not just me?’
‘If you think it’s just you then it’s you who has no idea. I tried my best to keep our flirting balanced and not let it get to me but I failed. I’ve fancied you since our first day in the TARDIS, but it became more. I grew to love you. I knew our on-screen relationship wasn’t doing me any good but nevertheless I was so happy I got to be near you again and again.’
‘So you’re not questioning whether I know what I want from you anymore?’, he asked. Looking at him, she shook her head. His eyes were soft and so were hers. Neither of them noticed the look Sue, Peter and Stephen exchanged. Nobody seemed too surprised.
‘Take me home, will you? You said you were going to’, she whispered, causing him to shudder.
‘Yeah? You sure? I’d understand if you –’
‘Sure’, she said.
‘Okay.’
‘Okay.’
‘So you’re serious?’
‘Yes. Of course I am.’
‘But’, Karen said, ‘that would mean that he –‘
‘Actually meant it’, Arthur finished for her but she went on anyway: ‘He actually intended to take her home.’
‘Since when?’
‘And you are really sure?’
‘Yes’, Stephen answered, ‘yes I am. And that’s that. Nothing else I could tell you. I didn’t follow them around to see whether they actually got to sit in the same car or not.’
‘How did he manage to – oh well. Was about time, wasn’t it.’
‘Yeah’, said Arthur, ‘indeed.’
‘What is it with you and hands’, Matt asked good-humouredly. They were sitting in the backseat of a taxi and Alex kept entangling and disentangling their fingers. She drew lines on his palm with her thumb. It tickled him.
‘Holding hands comforts me. I’m sure you figured’, she answered.
‘True’, gently, he pushed her thumb aside to circle it with his own, ‘and I like it.’
‘You okay though? You haven’t said goodbye to anybody.’
‘Neither have you. But yeah, I didn’t want to. It’s not goodbye. I’ll see them again.’
She snorted but her expression was sympathetic.
‘Not good with endings either, mh?’
‘I’m not the Doctor. Not anymore, anyway.’
‘It´s over, truly over’, said he, his head falling against the headrest with a muffled thump. The pain and sadness in his voice made her want to shift closer to him. She unbuckled her seatbelt and, carefully, settled in the middle seat. He half-smiled at her gesture. She tucked at the other seatbelt to fasten it around her hips and he couldn’t help swallowing at the way it cut into her dress. The kind of ache in his chest changed and pictures of the skin underneath her dress popped up. He couldn’t exactly welcome them. It was hard to do that around someone who might have thought, just briefly, that you were going to rape them. Even if she was having none of it, the run of events had him try to keep an eye on himself.
She put her head on his shoulder. ‘You will be okay. Give it time.’
‘It’s been my life.’
‘It has.’ She pulled their hands into her lap.
‘Can I say it again?’
‘Say what?’
‘That I am in love with you, Alex Kingston. There are no other words for it even though it’s fairly early to talk about love. Then again, we’ve known each other for years now.’
She kissed his cheek, embracing his hand with both of hers.
‘And I’m in love with you, too, probably shouldn’t be but I am. Do we even know each other that well?’
‘Why shouldn’t you be’, he murmured into her hair. Anxiety made his stomach cramp. They could get to know each other, he wanted to.
‘It’s not that I care much what people think. But, for example, I’m mostly in LA and you’re –’
‘Going to be in LA, too.’
‘And age-wise I could be your mother –’
‘Thank God you aren’t. You’ve not seen Womb, have you.’
‘I have a daughter.’
‘And she’s awesome. She likes me, doesn’t she?’
‘Yes, yes she is and yes, she does.’
‘We’re there soon’, Matt said, his hand stiffening in hers, ‘I don’t like to say it but maybe you should, maybe I should ask him to drive you to your place? You seem uncertain.’
‘No, no. It’s just, I have such a deep feeling for you but there are sides to you, however many, that I don’t even know. We’re friends, but we became friends at work. We rarely met privately. And there are other sides to me, too. You might not like them either. We might not fit. Not just age-wise. I don’t care much about age if you don’t.’
The car stopped.
‘Certainly don’t’, he said. ‘Here we are then, my flat. Do you want to come?’
She looked at him. Their faces were close. Gladly there was tinted glass between them and the driver.
‘You know I do’, she said, pressing their hands to her belly, ‘it’s just that I, I don’t know. So many failed tries.’
She looked at him again, her mouth half open. ‘Do you think you can trust me after tonight’, he asked her, eyes wandering from hers to her mouth and back. She nodded. ‘Of all things, darling, rape never crossed my mind.’ He closed his eyes, relieved that that wasn’t why she had switched from determined to hesitant. ‘Then come with me. Please. Don’t worry about the other things. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.’
She nodded again and he drew out his hand to undo her seat belt.
He let them into his flat. It was tidier than it normally would have been since he was about to move out. Alex stepped past him in the hall and he leaned back against the door until the lock clicked shut. She was here. They were here, together, in his flat. She had come. And now she was turning around, her dress fluttering along.
‘I forgot my coat!’, she exclaimed suddenly, ‘I’m not wearing it, am I.’
‘I can see that’, he murmured, ‘and no, you’re not.’ She made a face.
‘What now?’
‘About your coat?’
‘No. I’ll text somebody or I’ll go check tomorrow. What about you? Are you going to keep guarding the door?’
‘Do you want me to?’´
She shook her head. In the dim light, her hair looked silvery. She tucked a strand of curls behind her ear.
‘No need to restrain yourself, darling.’
‘So’, he said, ‘don’t you think it might be a good time for you to put down that bag and – just to be on the safe side – take off the shoes.’
He watched her comply as he walked toward her.
‘You’ve got such kind eyes’, she whispered after straightening herself, ‘even when you, especially when you talk to me like that. Such kind eyes. How does that go together?’
He smiled, ‘Thank you’, and looked her up and down. There were so many scenarios in his head. Now he found he was the one who was uncertain and hesitant. She noticed.
‘For God’s sake, stop blaming yourself for something that was never going to happen.’
‘I’m trying. It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that.’
‘That’s more like it.’
She hooked her hands, her slightly shaky hands, under his jacket and softly brushed it off his shoulders. ‘Floor’, he said before she could ask for his wardrobe. She let it land right on her clutch.
‘Look at you’, she said softly, ‘you’re so slender. I liked it when you ran around in those show-my-butt-off jeans and the braces on set. But this suit, these trousers look amazing on you.’
‘You’re complimenting me’, he noted. ‘I’m blushing.’ A muscle in her face twitched, but she ignored him. She was good at that. ‘Don’t you think it’s about time to finally tell me what upset you when I asked you about my last day on set? Or what upset you on that day as such?´
While speaking, she had started to unbutton his shirt. Gently, she guided her fingertips up and down his skin. He drew a sharp breath, his muscles contracting. ‘Sorry, what?’
‘I think you heard me’, she said, ‘I would really like to know. It must have got to do with me. Am I right or am I right?’
She looked up at him and their eyes met. She seemed so fragile; her movements so tender. She was nestling at the buttons on his wrist. He caught her hand and, in one swift movement, crowded her against the wall of his hallway. He was taller than her now that she stood on bare feet.
‘Here you go again’, she exhaled heavily, sounding almost content. Not just that, she sounded longing. ‘Much better.’
‘I was upset’, he said, ‘because they had promised three takes and all we got was two.’
‘What? Oh, right. I remember. Weren’t you muttering about that? I think I remember you muttering something.’
He rested his front against hers, her eyes fluttered shut.
‘They denied me a third kiss. And, had I got it, I would have given them even more heat to complain about. I was going to kiss you, not the Doctor River.’ She opened her eyes again and he bore his into hers. ‘Would you have liked that? Would you have liked to kiss me? Because I don’t always kiss the way he does.’
‘Don’t you, now?’ Of course he didn’t.
‘Indeed, don’t I’, he murmured. Tenderly, he kissed her cheek and she bit her lip.
‘Turn around, Alex’, he said, releasing her hand and stepping away. Again, she complied. The cold stone caused her to shiver; the fabric of her dress was that thin.
‘Where to with my hands’, she asked.
‘Flat to the wall if you like.’ Oh God, he thought. He noticed his pants were unpleasantly tight already, but something in her attitude steadied his movements as he unzipped her dress and, after a moment of confusion, unhooked her bra.
‘Strapless’, she said.
‘I see.’
He had thought she wasn’t wearing one at all and it surprised him how pleasant it was to pull it away from her body. Needless to say, he let it fall on the floor.
He began to caress her back, his fingers ghosting around the edges of her shoulder blades and along her sides. The zip went far down, he could almost see the crack of her bum, and her skin was so delicate, so soft, and her rapid breathing made him crazy. He tore his eyes away from her back.
Only half her face was visible because of the way her head rested against the wall, but he was sure he would never forget the expression she wore. She stared into nothingness but she wasn’t unfocused, on the contrary, she seemed completely focused; focused on herself, on the reactions his hands evoked. He knew it was true the way he knew that contouring her body was going to be one of his favourite things. Using his fingernails, he deepened the maddeningly sexy dimples she had on her lower back, not knowing whether to look down at his hands or up at her face.
‘My knees’, she moaned, ‘will give way.’
‘No’, he said, his palms wandering up to her shoulders where he massaged down the straps of her dress, ‘no, they won’t.’ He tugged softly at her arms, signalling her to get her – still trembling – hands off the wall. The dress slipped down her curves to pool at her feet immediately. Her scarf followed. He wrapped an arm around her waist and turned her back around. She was so, so stunning.
She took him in. His shirt hung open and his stomach was heaving and lowering quickly. He had muscles, but they weren’t too prominent. His hipbones were. Desire flared up. This time, he let her undo the buttons at his wrists. Quickly, he got rid of his shirt after they were open. He held out a hand and she took it.
‘My bedroom’, said he, sitting down on the mattress of an enormous twin bed in a room that otherwise looked rather deserted. ‘You, Miss Kingston, are beautiful.’
She smiled and sat down next to him, the silky fabric of the duvet smooth against her bare legs. ‘You think so?’
He put a hand around her neck and drew her head closer to his.
‘Why are your hands still shaking’, he asked, his mouth inches away from hers. She shrugged. ‘Why aren’t yours?’
‘We’ll find a way to steady them. Kissing now, lots of kissing. I like kissing’, he murmured and she said ‘Please’ even though she knew he wasn’t expecting her to answer. ‘Should I start with your lips – because they’re some tempting lips? I’ve always thought so. Ask me how happy I was whenever I saw Moffat had scripted a kiss. Or should I tend to other tempting parts of your body first?’ He shifted closer to her, pulling one of her legs over his. He looked her in the eyes briefly before pressing a kiss to her front.
‘You choose’, he said, ‘please.’
Without hesitation she went for the lips, causing him to moan aloud. The sound of his voice sent electric shivers down her body. She wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘Going to stain your bedclothes’, she said, pecking softly at his chin and mouth, ‘sorry’. She felt his lips curl up in a smile and his hand fisting her hair more urgently. God yes, she thought, I like that, too. She slid her tongue against his lips.
He would not open up straight away so she searched for his free hand and put it to her breasts. This time she used his moans to her advantage. Seeing through her trick he bit her tongue, none too hard, before cupping one of her breasts, squeezing. He twirled her nipples the way he twirled his tongue around hers. She responded to him, ruffling his hair, scratching – none too hard either – over his scalp, arching her back.
She wanted more of his skin on hers and tried to shuffle closer, the blanket rustling under her, and her knickers cutting into her sex as she did so. The sudden pressure distracted her for a moment and she broke the kiss. They were both panting.
‘Good decision’, he said, letting go of her neck. She fell flat on the mattress. They looked at each other. Matt raised an eyebrow.
‘What’, said Alex.
‘Well’, Matt said, scrambling over her, ‘more kissing.’ She smiled.
He lowered his head to her throat and slowly started planting feathery kisses all over her chest down to her navel.
‘Now, up or down?’
‘What?’
‘Want me to come back up or go down?’
‘Are you serious’, she sighed, anticipation getting the better of her, ‘you want to do that now?’ He was nuzzling at her navel. She got the idea.
‘Quite so’, he said, suggestively pushing his tongue inside, ‘your position is favourable.’
She lifted her head. ‘Favourable? Darling, when did you get down on the floor?’ And when did I, she thought, spread my legs?
He rested his chin on her lower belly and grinned up at her, his bare chest pressing against her not-as-bare vagina. Why does it make me feel alright when he does that? When did it become so normal?
‘Sometime between here’, with his index finger, he traced a circle around her right breast down to where her rips ended, ‘and here.’ She nodded, ‘okay then.’ He raised his head and tugged at the waistband of her knickers. She pulled her legs up on the bed – careful not to accidentally kick him – and lifted her hips. He stripped her naked; it was a relief.
‘Move your pelvis a little closer to the edge of the bed.’
‘Pelvis’, she echoed, ‘you sure know how to talk sex.’ She heard him chuckle lightly and his belt buckle clink. But as soon as she was where he wanted her, she felt his hands grab her ankles and slide up to her knees, pushing her legs open.
She propped herself up on her elbows. ‘Matt’, she said, ‘I haven’t shaved, have I?’ His fingertips tickled along the insides of her thighs, giving her goose bumps. ‘Not exactly’, he answered and looked up at her, ‘neither have I. So?’ His hands came closer to her centre and she watched him in wonder. His eyes bore into hers at the very same that time he pushed a finger in. A second finger found her clitoris. She was remembered of his thumb circling hers in the back of the taxi. When he added another finger to the first and wriggled them both inside of her, she sighed heavily. She was aroused enough for her legs and abdomen to twitch in response to his ministrations already. No wonder, she thought, I’ve had secret fantasies about this for years.
‘Did you say something’, said Matt bemused and pressed a tender kiss to her left knee. His thumb was massaging her clitoris more firmly now.
‘Did I’, she breathed, her hands curling into fists. Did I?
‘Thought so. Question. Does this –’, he slid his fingers out and back in; ‘Does this qualify as kissing in your opinion?’
‘You have got to be kidding me’, Alex exclaimed noisily, ‘I swear this is the most eloquent you were all night.’ She shook her head and earned an affectionate smile. She let herself fall back on the matrass.
‘I couldn’t agree with you more’, he said and lowered his head between her legs. When she finally shrieked, for the second time that night, – a very throaty, very profound shriek accompanied by intense shuddering –, it impressed him with awe.
He had always loved her.
Gazing up, he saw that she had flung an arm over her eyes and that her chest was lifting and lowering noticeably. Mesmerised by the sight for a moment, he planted a last kiss to her clit before licking his lips and getting to his feet. His knees protested, but he barely noticed. Wiping his mouth with his arm he slipped down his trousers and pants, stepped out of his shoes – without untying them – and removed his socks. He crawled to the middle of the bed and sat down, cross-legged. His penis was practically shouting at him for more attention as he rolled down the condom.
‘Join me?’ He asked softly, his fingers combing through her beautiful mass of hair.
She stretched out luxuriously before following suit and sitting down opposite him. He gave her a knowing look, and she winked at him, smiling. ‘All night’, she said gently, ‘all night.’ He leaned forward and gave her a smacking kiss. She laughed.
‘Are you giggling?’
‘Aren’t you in pain’, she shot back, nodding down. ‘I heard you get rid of your belt; thought you had set a hand to the task.’
‘I was too busy, you see’, he murmured, drawing her closer for another kiss, reaching down her body to cup her mound, ‘down there as far as I remember.’ He dragged his index finger through her – still wet – folds.
‘Right’, she said, pushing him down on the cushions.
‘No, don’t’, Matt caught her shoulder to keep her from descending, ‘next time. Not now. Next time, definitely.’
‘You sure’, she asked, pushing his hand away from her sex and wetting her hand. Then, she reached out for his penis and grabbed it. He jerked up. Her hand is so tiny. He let her pump up and down a few times. Stop her now. ‘Sure’, he groaned. She reduced pressure instantly, her thumb lightly brushing over the tip, careful not to do damage to the condom. He kept himself from jerking up again. He closed his eyes and let go of her shoulder; he let her move. ‘Oh dear.’
He had known it was going to happen but gave a loud moan when it actually happened anyway; her hand closed around the base of his cock and her mouth around the glans. Shit. Do not, he thought, give in. But then again, what does it matter? She didn’t swallow him further, though. Instead, she licked up and down, suckling a bit, always careful with her teeth. Eventually she, too, would plant a final kiss on the tip of his penis – now almost purple – and withdraw her hand. He sighed.
‘Up here you get. At once.’
She lay down next to him on her side; placing her head on her outstretched arm. ‘Extraordinarily eloquent indeed, darling. Kissing’, she said, ‘works both ways, obviously. But you're overdressed. Next time then.’ She pursed her lips and he rolled over, willingly capturing her mouth. She let him place himself between her legs while they exchanged more passionate, breathy kisses. Her hands wandered over his bum and back and shoulders, and – when he decided to bury his face between her boobs – eventually ended up fisting his hair.
‘Enough now’, he puffed, his breath hot against her sensitive skin, ‘okay?’ Instead of answering, she twined her legs around his hips, and he got to his knees, a firm grip on her waist. Breathing heavily, he positioned himself and sunk in. Overwhelmed with pleasure, he thrusted in and out a few times before he thought of Alex and stilled. Careful not to slip out – by God, there was little he wanted less than accidentally slip out –, he lowered himself and pulled her closer. There was that expression on her face again. He swallowed hard.
They set a quick rhythm from the very beginning. She would meet each of his thrusts, would hold his gaze, cup his cheek, and would kiss him back. Her eyes, not leaving his, were clouded with lust. So were his, he was sure. He was so close, much closer than she was. He realised she wasn’t going to come like this. Hiding his face in the curve of her neck, he moved even quicker, more frantic, less controlled. ‘Come on’, he groaned, ‘touch yourself. I want you to touch yourself. Or are your hands still shaking?’ He bit down on her shoulder and she gave a start, her muscles contracting around his cock. ‘There you are’, he grunted, feeling a hand slide down between their bodies. When her legs around his hips started to twitch again, he couldn’t help himself anymore and gave in to his desire. It didn’t take him much longer. Soon, a fierce orgasm washed over him and for a blissful moment, he was lost in emotion and heat and sweat and pleasure and, plainly and simply, her.
Scant of breath and with limbs gone limp, he slid out of her and, with a bit of an effort, got on all fours. Her eyes were squinched shut, he noticed; she was still working on her clit. He was fit, yes, but not fit enough to regain an erection this quick. Kneeling next to her and remembering how responsive she had been to it, he started dragging his fingertips over those parts of her abdomen that were not covered by her arm; then used his fingernails. ‘Don’t you dare’, she warned, her voice hoarse and low, ‘distract me.’ He smiled, tenderly scratching along the curve of her hip to the curves of her bum cheeks. Her abdominal muscles were flexing. She pressed her knees together.
He kissed her through the aftershocks.
‘I’m bloody exhausted.’
‘Me too’, he answered, still nuzzling her breasts and circling her belly button, ‘and a little hungry.’
‘Have you got any food in the flat?’
‘Plain rolls, given we’re lucky.’
‘Sounds fine to me. Uhm, where’s your bathroom?’
He described the way. As she slid off the bed and walked out, his eyes acknowledged her marvellous backside. So many things…
Picking up her knickers, he walked to his closet, which was almost empty, and dragged out some sweatpants and a t-shirt.
Joining Alex in the bathroom, he put on a fresh pair of boxers and the pyjama trousers that he had thrown into the bathtub this morning. He held up the t-shirt for her and she lifted her arms so he could strip it on. It covered half her thighs, so she told him she wasn’t going to bother with the sweatpants. Her knickers, however, she put back on.
‘Three plain rolls and two slices of toast’, he said, scraping his back with embarrassment. He was incredibly pale, she thought, paler than her, even. ‘That’s fine, darling.’ Sitting down at his kitchen table, they ate in silence.
‘So you’re coming to LA?’
‘Yes’, he said, ‘I am. In January. Do you want water?’
‘Please. And, do you have a spare toothbrush?’ He got up and went to the sink to come back with two paper cups. She raised her eyebrows and laughed.
‘Mine will have to do, if you don’t mind.’ He grinned back at her.
‘Take a guess.’
‘Are you leaving soon’, he asked, searching her eyes.
‘In a week. Don’t worry, I won’t have run off in the morning. It’s morning already, anyway.’
‘If you want to, you don’t have to, but if you want to you can cancel your hotel reservation; crash here?’
She looked at him for a moment.
‘Here we are’, she said eventually, ‘in your – desolate – kitchen. You know, in your bedroom, I had this thought – I was wondering since when it felt so normal to be intimate with you.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah. You’re quite talkative, though, I’ve got to hand it to you, which is actually quite eroticising.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah. Anyway, and despite the fact that we never have – it felt like we have always done this. And by that I don’t mean that it was boring. It felt familiar, I was at ease.’
She streched and yawned.
‘Me too. And I’ve had a few fantasies myself, you know’, he closed a hand around his paper cup, ‘I want us to work this out, Alex. I want to pursue it. Let’s go for walks, spend time together; in LA, too. Let me take you on dates to cafés, pubs, cinemas, art galleries even; or museums. Whatever we’re in the mood for.’
‘So I did think out loud.’ She sighed. ‘Let’s start’, smiling at him she stood up, ‘by sleeping till noon and by having a quiet day in tomorrow. Well, maybe some grocery-shopping after we got my stuff from the hotel – and my coat. Snap, I forgot to text somebody to get it.’
He, too, stood up and went to embrace her from behind. ‘Sounds perfect to me.’ He uplifted her chin and they kissed again. ‘I’m really tired’, she said, her arms sliding up around his neck. ‘I know’, he said, ‘me too.’