Pathological- compulsive; obsessive.
"I don't wanna speak about it." I slowly twirled my ankle in a circle while looking down at the floor. "You do know that if you don't talk about your problems, they will not be resolved Ms. Kenson." I just shrugged and continued to look at the floor. I'm not speaking about anything I don't feel comfortable talking about or even more important, I don't wanna talk about! "Alright I'll just tell your doctor not to release you." She stood up from the chair and closed her notepad. "Bitch I don't care! I said I didn't wanna talk about it and I damn sure ain't going too! Now run and tell the doctor I said I'll smack you and drag you around this hospital by your fucking hair!" "Hey! Relax! Now!" Chris stepped inside of the room and came standing by my side. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "She felt the need to threaten me so now I'll take it to the doctor. Have a good day." She gave a fake ass smile before exiting the room.
"Baby you can't be cussing the therapist out, she's just doing her job." He stepped in front of me and lifted my head up by my chin. "She tried to pressure me into talking which is against her job. I don't feel comfortable with talking about...that stuff with a stranger. If anything, I'll talk to you about it with you but not to them." I shook my head, moving his hand out of the way and laying back in the hospital bed.
It's been three days and I'm ready to go home. But I can't leave until my permanent address is with Chris. I 'need' to be under suicide watch until they feel that I don't need to be. I feel just fine. I'm alive, Great but that still doesn't take away the pain I've endured.
"Well come on, let's talk." He walked over to the door and closed it, pulled the curtain closed and sat down in the seat next to the bed. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Come on man, I need to know why." He grabbed my hand and held it in his.
"What you wanna know?" I held my arm with my free hand and stared at our hands. I miss this..feeling. It kinda brings me back to before our relationship took a turn for the worst. "Why?" He stared dead at me with a blank expression. So much for making me comfortable.
I looked to the floor and took a deep breath. It's okay, it's only Chris...right?
"I mean...I don't know. I felt like the pain would end if I just took away my own life. It should've been me instead of our children is what I was thinking. And if I can be completely honest, I'm not the happiest about being alive right now because I still feel the same pain of everything that has happened in my life, times ten. From losing my mother, the rape, the abuse, the cheating..everything. My life has flipped upside down in these past two years it's ridiculous. Its like maybe I deserved everything that was coming to me." I shrugged and continued to stare at the floor. "I wish that I could get a board and rearrange my life in the order I want it to go in." A tear slid down my face and I sighed. He rubbed his thumb across the back of my hand and shook his head. "I'm not sayin you don't have the right to feel everything that you're feeling but it's not true. You didn't deserve any of the things you were put through because you're too good of a person for that. We may fuss, fight, argue but at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to do this shit right here, with anyone else. Our kids, may god rest their soul, was taken away from us for a reason as wrong as it may seem...something in our life is going to happen to where we will be exposed to the reason why. I just wish that you didn't think that it was your fault or that you would deserve to die in the place of them. It's too many people here on earth that love you, me being the most. Don't ever try that selfish act again Senia, please?" He leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my cheek, pulling back alittle and looking me directly in the eyes. I could see the genuineness and hurt in his stare, which made me feel bad for attempting.
But on the same token, he's been in the same position before so he feels where I'm coming from. "Please?" He gripped my hand alittle tighter and raised his eyebrows. I nodded slowly as a tear rolled down from my eye. He pulled me into a tight, cozy, welcoming hug.
You know when you have those days when you wanna be alone? Yeah, I have those everyday but one thing that's weird is, no matter how alone I want to be, I still want Chris in my presence. He's such a healing spirit for me and I believe that's why we're always coming back to each other. I feel like complete total shit right now but I wouldn't want to feel this way without him.
If you would've asked me five years ago, 'Senia what do you think you'll be doing?' I for a fact wouldn't have said suffering a miscarriage of my twins while in a unstable yet loving relationship with a man I first met in the strip club.
I chuckled eternally while thinking, I really let myself go. I used to be this solid, ten toes down no matter what situation I'm put in, woman that didn't take shit from no one. Very antisocial and I was my own friend. But now I'm this simp ass girl that acts as if she can't survive without a man. Don't get me wrong, having Chris is a plus but I need to get back to that point of my life. I'm going to start being me again. I've lost myself in the mist of this relationship and I'm going to find her again.
There was a quick knock on the door and then it opened. "Oh my bad guys!" My doctor took a step back. "No it's fine..." I looked at Chris and then him. He came back into the room and looked at me, raising his eyebrow. "I heard you threatened the therapist, is that true?" I shrugged and nodded my head. I hope he didn't think I was going to lie. "She tried to pressure me then threatened me first. So I did it back." "I know right now is a hard time for you, and I understand but we can't release you until you lay everything on the table. Now if you wasn't every find of her, I can get you another one if that's what you want Ms. Kenson. Just don't be angry towards them." He explained. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Is it okay if I continue to speak with Chris about everything I'm feeling? I don't feel comfortable with anyone else." He kinda just stared at us and slowly started to nod after a minute. "...I suppose. I'll will go have everything put into the system. You'll have three prescriptions that you'll have to pick up. One is a anti depressant, a antibiotic, and a pain killer. I hope everything begins to turn around for you, I really do." He gave me a tight lipped smile before exiting the room.
Well okay then....The room door closed and Chris's attention went straight to me again. "That's good you're leaving today. Now, can you get back to our conversation. Please?" He pleaded. I looked off to the side and thought for a second. I'm sincerely tired of living like this so new shit about to be moving different.
"I promise..but I have some new rules and regulations I'm going to set in place. I want for you to respect my wishes or I will not deal with you at all, do you understand?" I waited for him to answer. He looked taken aback for a second before slightly nodding and looking off to the side.
Not only am I going to began working on my relationship with him, but also my relationship with my damn self. Old Senia is coming back into effect and soon. I'll have to find a better way to cope with everything I've been through instead of just sitting here and soaking in my 'aw its me' attitude.
"Man..I guess talking it out kinda did give me some relief." I smiled alittle. "That's good baby. I need for you to come to me whenever you have a inconvenience and you feel you need to let it out. These big ass ears always open, remember that." We laughed and I shook my head. "You're stupid.......I love you." I looked at our hands again. "I love you too ma." He tried to lean in to my lips for a kiss but I yanked my head back.
Woah woah woah woah! "Hold on Panta! I only kiss people I'm in a intimate relationship with and last time this suicide survivor checked, she wasn't tied down. So there for, don't think I forgot about what I said." I let go of his hand and closed my eyes. He sucked his teeth and sat back in his chair, clearly salty as a bitch. "Man fuck all the bullshit, you with me and we both know that's straight factual." "Nah, we single until you show me you've matured and can keep your horse in your pants. So, while I'm staying with you, I will be sleeping in a separate room. Single people don't share beds."
The room fell silent for a minute or two before I heard him stand. "Alright. Well, I'm going to head out to th- MY house and start to prepare your room for your release. I'll be back to see you later." I heard car keys. "Alright. Thanks for the talk bro." I smirked. I know it's tearing him up and I'm going to milk this until I can't no mo. "Don't get disrespectful during this whole act yo putting on. I'll still choke yo ass up." I heard the door open and close shortly afterwards.
He gon have to learn the hard way that I'm not playing this time around. It's going to be such a challenge, don't get me wrong, but he think he can slick his way back into his spot.
aht aht nigga.
not this time.