'You don't know what you got, until it's gone'
'You'll only start to see the value of something once it's gone'
This is what I am experiencing right now after he broke up with me. Of all people, I treated him the worst and gave him the most painful feeling. I took advantage on his kindness and understanding.
I took him for granted..
KimShikkie:
'Baby, what time are you going home? :) '
'Have you eaten your lunch yet? '
'I might get home a little later than usual. I have something to finish :( '
'Heeeeyyyy :( it's 7pm and you're still not answering :(( '
I flipped the phone again as I recieve another text from Wonshik. It's not that I am ignoring him, it's just I am having a hard time to memorize the script for my upcoming musical and compose another song at the same time.
I slam the bunch of papers on the table and took out my lyric notebook and pen to start writing again. Once more, my phone vibrated.
'Hi baby! I'll be going home at 9pm since the company needs me for the recording. I'm sorry :( '
'Okay. See you later.'
I clicked the send button and hid the phone inside my bag, and started writing lyrics again.
☆☆☆
I hurriedly went down the stairs while fixing my clothes. I woke up late again due to work load and now I have 10 minutes before the script reading starts. While I was wearing my shoes, I noticed Wonshik walks towards me.
"Taekwoonie, are you not going to eat your breakfast? I ordered something for you. You know I can't cook." He laughs while holding the chicken he ordered.
"I'm sorry but I am already late for the rehearsal. I'll just buy somewhere." I grab my shoulder bag and placed the strap on my shoulder. I placed a short and quick kiss on Wonshik's lips , and bid goodbye. I closed the door before he even had the chance to response.
After a few hours of practicing, we were asked to have an hour lunch break. When I was about to eat my first spoon, my phone rings. I looked at the ID caller and Wonshik's name pop-up on the screen. I silenced my phone and brought it back to my pocket. After a while, my phone started ringing again. I finally answered.
"Taekwoonie, have you eaten breakfast or lunch yet?"
"Yeah. I am eating right now. "
"Ohh great. What time are you going home? "
"I don't know maybe 8 or 9. Why?"
I heard him laughs awkwardly and a sigh echoed in the phone.
"Oh nothing. I was about to ask you for a dinner."
"I'm so sorry Shikkie. You know how busy I am right now. Maybe next time, okay?"
A short dead air filled the phone call before I start talking again.
"Anyway, I have to go now. Our one hour break has ended. See you later. Bye."
"Okay. I love you Taekwoon."
"Love you too." then I hung up the phone and finished my food.
I checked the time once I arrived in the building of our condo. 11:32pm. Wonshik's probably asleep by this time. I entered the elevator and press the button on our floor. I waited patiently to arrive while thinking what to say if ever he is still awake. When the elevator rings, I exited and walked towards our unit. I key in the passcode and swing the door as quiet as I could.
There, Kim Wonshik, is sitting on the sofa while staring at a black screen TV.
"Babe, why are you still awake?" I placed my bag on the floor and walk towards him. I sat beside him and put my head on his shoulder. "Hey" I once again said and poke his hand. "Why did you arrive just now?" He finally replied with a cold emotion in his voice. I looked up at him and pouted at him. "Sorry Shikkie. I'm really busy these past few days. Sorry" I hug his arm and gave it a soft squeeze.
"You did not even bother to text me? Sending a message only takes less than a minute and you can't even do that?"
"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, okay? Please don't be mad." I kissed him and he immediately smiled. "You know I can't resist you." He said and hugged me so tight.
☆☆☆
I once again came home late even if my musical ended a few days ago. My old friends and I decided to catch up due to my busy schedules and today is the only time I am legit available. I even forgot to charge my phone and it was dead almost the whole day.
When I opened the door of our condo, I noticed how quiet it is as if no one's living in here aside from me. I placed my bag on the couch and checked the shoe rack if Wonshik already arrived. It is very unusual not to see him at this hour. When I opened the cabinet, I saw his shoes lying neatly on the rack. 'He came back already'. I thought. But where is he?
I turned on the lights in the kitchen and grab a glass of water. When I oponed the refrigerater, I saw a box of cake. "When did we bought this?" I took it out and removed the red ribbon surrounds it. When I opened, I got even more confuse as why the cake's shaped in heart and has initials of our names on the lower right side of the cake. I closed it and placed it back inside.
I walk around the kitchen and stopped on the corner when I saw red crumpled cartolinas. My heart started to beat faster and my hands shakes. I slowly uncrampled the cartolina and that's when my heart dropped. It's our 2nd anniversary, and I was not even there to celebrate it with him.
I rushed to our bedroom to see him sleeping. I went under the duvet and wrapped my arms on his body. "I'm sorry Shikkie. I'm so sorry." I hugged him tighter. A little while, he shifted and looked sleepy. When his eyes met mine, his face became serious. "Shikkie, I'm sorry. I--"
"Forgot. You forgot. That's pretty obvious." He said and stood up, grabbing his pillow and looked for another duvet in the cabinet. "W-where are you going?" "Outside. You can have the bed. You look tired." I run up and hugged him from behind before he even twisted the knob. "Wonshik. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I'll make it up to you."
He removed my arms from him and continued to open the door. "Stop it Taekwoon. You always say that but you are not doing anything. You are only good at talking but you don't act." He slam the door right to my face. I released a deep sigh, not wanting to follow him as I know how mad he is right now.
Next day, I decided to visit him at the company since he left already before I woke up. I prepared lunch for the both of us. However, they said that he was not there, did not even passed by. I fished out my phone and dialed someon really close to him.
"Leo hyung?" Hongbin said while some guns and random sounds playing in the background, probably playing some games again.
"Is Wonshik with you?"
"No, why? Did you guys fight?" I bit my lower lip as I remembered what happened last night.
"No. He wasn't in the condo when I woke up and he's not also here in the company." I entered my car and placed the packed lunch at the back.
"Oh sorry hyung. He did not say anything to me either."
"It's okay. If ever he contacted you, please tell him to get home at 7pm, okay? I'll be waiting for him."
"Sure hyung. Bye." I thanked before hanging up. I sadly drove back to the condo. Wonshik is probably so mad at me. He was never like this.
I constantly taps my feet on the floor, gripping on my handphone, and looks at the time. After a few minutes, I stood up and went to our kitchen. Washing the dishes I used for my cooking.
8pm still not here.
10pm still not here.
I suddenly woke up from the sound of a door and saw Wonshik removing his coat and shoes. "Sorry I am late." He said without looking at me and the apologetic voice he always use is not visible as well. He entered our room and did not went down again.
After a few minutes, I approached our room and softly knock on the door before opening it. I saw him sitting on the bed with his phone, doing whatever. "Shikkie-ah" I crawl to the bed and sat in front of him. "Wonshikkie" I called to him again as he was not giving attention to me at all. Getting annoyed, I took his phone away from him and placed it inside my pocket.
"What's your problem? Give it back." He said with irritated tone. It's been awhile since I saw him like this. Ever since we became lovers, he never gets really mad at me and use this kind of tone, except today. "I asked Hongbin to tell you to be home by 7pm. It's already quarter to 12." He placed his head on the headboard. "I know, but it is my choice to be home anytime I want. Besides, I did a lot of things. I am busy too."
"But you were not in the company! Where were you?"
"Wow Taekwoon. I never thought that you still care for me. After all the waitings I did for you because you are oh so busy with a lot of things even after the musical. I forgave you when you always forget our monthsaries and I decided not to bother you with that. But our anniversary is not something I can easily forget." He talked in low tone but I can see tears building up in his eyes.
"I already said I was sorry, right? Can't you forgive me? Are you going to hold that grudge forever?"
"Maybe I could forgive you, but you know I never forget. Everytime it crosses my mind, I constantly feel the pain of how you forgot and ditched me. What if I did not purposely left the cake in the fridge and let you not see the crumpled papers? Would you remember it?" His voice cracked at the end and I am deeply hurt seeing him in this state. I try to reach out for his hand but he pushed my hand instead.
"I'm sorry Wonshik. Please give me another chance. I don't want to lose you." I, as well, crying too. I just realized how much I hurt him through every word he says. He made me realize how much he suffered.
"You don't want to lose me, yet you're not doing anything to keep me. I gave you so many chances but you always make me regret it. I was so blind to my love for you. You're my first relationship that is why I value you so much. I know love can also be painful but I didn't know it hurts this much. You have no idea how much I want to complain about you coming home late nights but I am afraid that you would hate me and walk away. I don't want to play the role of a broken hearted person, I don't want to be away from you because I love you very much. But you are also my greatest pain."
☆☆☆☆
I could still remember the conversation we had before he packed his stuff and closed the main door behind him. Even if we are still in the same group, sitting beside or across each other, practicing the dance together, and helping each other in recording, I cannot still handle this distance between us. I miss him. I miss Kim Wonshik. And I need to experience this consequence for me to realize how much I love him and that he is truly my everything.