[Justin's P.O.V]
Leaving.The.Gang.
Thinking about those words made me simultaneously think 'impossible.' I know very well that the only way to leave UG would be if I die. And that's something I didn't want to mention to Amara.
I'm such an idiot.
She left. She ran out the door and I just watched her taking more steps away from me. I didn't even attempt to stop her. My heart longed for me to run after her, my heart wanted her to be close to me but my cruel mind told me otherwise.
She wanted to be alone, that's why she left.
I don't know how but one bottle of beer to console myself and continue thinking of how much of an ass I am, turned to many. She didn't deserve this, I understand that this is not what she wants, that this is not a life she wants but UG has been my entire life for a solid amount of time now. How do I just up and leave? It would get me killed!
I lazily looked over to the clock and saw that it was already seven pm. Where was she?
As each second passed, I started feeling anxious as to why she's not returning. She's been gone for four hours now and that fact is starting to make me highly concerned.
I totally regretted why I didn't run after her, what if she needs me now wherever she's at?
I walked over to the counter to grab my keys but then realized that I just had over six bottles of beer and I could barely walk. Cursing loudly, I took out my cellphone to ring Levi but just as I was about to do that, the doorknob twisted and a tired looking, bloodshot eyed Amara walked inside before softly closing the door behind her.
We locked eyes for a brief second before I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her small body, holding her incredibly close to me. After a minute of waiting for her to hug me back, I felt her palms on my chest and pushing me away. I felt a pang in my heart as I unwillingly stepped back, feeling like my heart just shattered. She walked past me and I watched her go over to the fridge and took out a bottle of water before turning around to face me as she drank.
"I'm sorry." I spoke first, hoping that she would understand.
"You weren't gonna come looking for me were you?" She asked and my eyes widened.
I opened my mouth but closed it not finding anything to say
"You were busy drinking while I needed you."
I looked back at her with confusion lining my features. "But you left." I muttered, feeling the alcohol slowly leaving my body.
A tear trickled down her face and I felt my heart literally clench "But I needed you to be with me."
"Then why didn't you stay?" I questioned walking closer to her and stopped when I was about four feet away.
She left, literally ran out the house going further away from me but she says she needed to be with me. If so, then why didn't she stay so that we could talk things through? I'm so confused.
"ALL YOU DO IS DRINK AND NOT THINK ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S WELL BEING!" She yelled, more tears falling down her face.
"I thought you wanted to be alone."
"I NEEDED TO BE WITH YOU!"
"I'm sorry." My voice broke. About a minute passed before she whispered her next words.
"Justin are you seriously going to stay in the gang?"
I sighed. "I don't want to but I don't have a choice... baby you don't understand."
"WHAT IS IT THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!? WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING ME WHAT'S EXACLTY GOING ON?"
"Can we just sit down please?"
She hesitated a little before giving in and sitting down, and I sat opposite her.
"Cakes I just-"
"Stop calling me that." Her voice was still dripping of anger and it just got confirmed that I'm an idiot. I made her angry and upset.
"Okay I just want to explain everything to you. Amara as much as I want to leave UG...I can't exactly do that. Even though I'm willing to do that for you, to change my entire life for you, I don't know how to go about it without endangering both our lives."
She swallowed "What do you mean?"
I sighed, gathering all courage big enough for me to say this. I know that she'll be disappointed, and this hurts me more than it could ever hurt her. Because its the harsh reality reminding me once again that I'm incapable of loving someone without hurting or disappointing her.
"I would have to die to leave UG"
I watched as all emotions left her face and she suddenly looked rather pale and incapable of doing anything.
She wanted to say something but no words came out, so she looked to the floor and I watched as her tears fell down.
"There's nothing I can do, I'm so sorry."
"I don't think so, I think there's always something to do, there's always an option."
"As much as I wish there was something I can do, there's nothing. They won't just let me walk away, I know too much already because I've been there for years."
She looked up at me "But it's not like you're going to go to the cops and snitch on them. That would be so foolish of them to be thinking that because you're also going to be incriminating yourself."
I nodded "It's not just that sweetheart." She sniffed and I looked at her. Her eyes were so red from all the crying. I suddenly felt bad, she was crying all because of me. Why can't I once do anything that makes her happy, all I do is make her cry... "If by any chance I leave the gang, it means I won't have the gang's protection. All the rivals that we have can easily get to me without UG's protection because I won't be under it anymore. We'll be out in more danger than we currently in."
Amara stood up and walked towards me. She took small strides towards me until she was next to me.
"Justin...I've been living under abuse ever since I was fifteen. Everyday, I lived in worry, in uncertainty of what might happen to me. I lived with the definition of danger under the same roof and there was nothing that I could do. I was trapped and didn't know what to do, I had limited options. My life was based around living with hope that one day everything is gonna change...and it did. I met you and you saved me from the hands of my uncle. From there onwards, I hated danger. I hated having to live a life based on constantly looking over your shoulder and not knowing what is gonna happen to you, whether you're gonna live to see the next day."
I swallowed a huge lump, holding back my tears that threatened to fall as she uttered words by word.
"And I don't want that anymore." Her voice broke, my heart taking a big blow that might cause it to stop functioning.
"Cakes...baby what are you saying?"
"I can't Justin. I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore." I held her closer to me, closer to my body, eager to feel more of her but kept thinking that it wasn't enough.
"Please..." I couldn't speak, overwhelmed by panic and heartbreak.
"I'm so sorry Justin. I really am. I can't live with you and be with you knowing that my life is in danger with every breath that I take. Justin I refuse to take myself back there."
"No. You don't mean this cakes."
Please noooo!!! Please don't leave me please!!
"Now I have a choice to walk away and I'm choosing to take it." She muttered, attempting to get out of my hold but I only held her tighter, scared that she's gonna leave me.
"Justin please don't make this difficult than it already is." She wiped her tears, attempting to put on a brave face.
"Please baby I'll do anything just don't leave me."
How am I supposed to survive?
How am I supposed to spend my days without you?
How am I supposed to sleep under a roof that you no longer sleep under?
How am I supposed to live in a house completely filled with your memories?
How am I supposed to go about a day without staring into your eyes...and hold you...and kiss you?
"Cakes tell me how I'm supposed to live." My voice was low and broken when I softened my hold on her, feeling all my strength leave my body.
"You just have to."
******