October 31st
Julliard (Cafeteria)
Nokia
Third hour ends and I make my way to the lunchroom among other hungry college students. I walk in being hit with the aroma of all the different food places.
My mouth waters and I feel my stomach growl. It was around noon and I was more than ready to eat. I decide to go to Chick Fil A for lunch. I make my way through the swarm of students , ready to indulge in a good meal.
The lunchroom is extra noisy today. Everyone seems to have more energy and be in better moods, most likely because of Halloween. I was in a pretty good mood too. Excited to see what the rest of the day would bring.
" Welcome to Chick Fil A, what can I get for you today?" I look up at the employee , who is awaiting my response.
The expression on her face almost makes me want to laugh. Her smile looks forced , and she looks as tense as a statue. You could tell she didn't want to be here.
" Uhh I'll have the crispy chicken sandwich meal with waffle fries, and an Arnold Palmer." I reply back smoothly already knowing what I want.
She rings me up and then I wait on the side for my food. About five minutes later it comes. I thank the worker and begin to find somewhere to sit.
I look around for my friends and then I spot them sitting at a circle table , eating and talking to each other. I smirk and make my way in that direction.
" What's up bitchesss." I greet Drew , and Amber as I sit down. They stop talking and look up at me dumbly.
" What's up you bum?" Drew smirks at me, and puts her hand out and we dap each other up. I also give Amber dap.
We all begin to eat our lunch, and then began conversating. " So did you make any plans for tonight ? Or are you coming to the club?" Drew looks up at me curiously.
I smirk as I think about my plans for tonight. " Yep actually I did .Mel invited me over, so we gonna chill or whatever. Just stay at her house." I shrug my shoulders.
Drew looks at me with her face scrunched up for a good minute.
" What nigga? Why you lookin at me like that?" I raise my eyebrows at her chuckling, as I take another bite out of my sandwich.
" Yo. You mean to tell me outta all the options in the world tonight that's what you doing? You could be partying, and doing anything else. Yet you want to stay over some chick's house. That's lame as hell, my nigga." Drew shakes her head at me, as she gives her thoughts on my plans for tonight.
I roll my eyes. " Nigga shut up I can do that shit any other time, it's not like I'm gonna be missing out on anything really."
" Are you serious, the fuck you are! You know what, I don't even care do what you want. While we getting turnt at the club you gone be tied up with some damn female. Your loss." Drew shrugs.
" She must really have some good pussy for you to be staying in and tryna chill with her."
I clear my throat because suddenly it feels dry. I avert my gaze from my friends getting nervous. They knew me better than anyone, which means they know how I am with females.
They know I'm not the type to get attached ,and I don't chill with girls if it's not about sex. But I hadn't yet told them about Melanie, and how she had me feeling ways. Or how we had just been chilling without sex.
I wasn't worried about my friends talking shit or not validating how I feel. It was just the fact that I knew they would magnify the situation, and make it bigger than what it actually was.
Yes, I'm feeling her. Yes, I think I want to test the waters. But how do I know it's not going to blow up in my face, like the last time I put my trust in a relationship ?
I just don't want to speak on something too soon, and jinx it. I'm not trying to sweat something that I'm not even sure about.
I wasn't comfortable and secure enough to express how I feel.But I knew my friends would pry it out of me.
" Why you looking like that?" Drew bites into her Apple looking at me suspiciously. I avoid making direct eye contact with her.
" Nothing, I'm cool. Just tweaked for a minute." I try to play it off.
Amber looks at me with wide eyes , like I just committed a crime. Oh shit.
" Niggaaa... don't tell me you ain't hit yet..." Amber says with her mouth open . She takes out the one headphone she had in her ear.
Drew starts to catch on and gives me the same shook look.
" Nokiaaa...bruuuh", Drew half smiles, and looks half shocked at me.
" Whaaaat?", I ask ,acting dumb. I didn't really want to have this discussion with my friends and tell them how I feel.
" Don't give me that shit. Tell the truth, have you and Melanie had sex yet?" Drew looks at me with her brow raised, waiting for my response.
Fuck I knew this was coming.
" Why does it matter?" I roll my eyes, trying to avoid her question.
" Stop beating around the bush bruh, it's a yes or no question." Amber jumps into the conversation.
I let out a frustrated sigh and just decide to tell them. " Fuck it. No, me and Melanie haven't had sex. We've been chilling, and just enjoying each other's company. Just letting shit flow. Do I want to have sex? Yes. Do I need to have sex with her ? No."
" Destiny, do you have feelings for her?" Drew looks at me serious and says my name. I cringe at the question not really wanting to answer the question.
" I don't know. Possibly." I pick at my food, trying to distract myself from the conversation.
" What the hell do you mean you don't know? It's either you do or you don't ." Drew grows irritated with my short answers.
" Bro, I don't fuckin know! It's too early for me to tell, and you know how I am with women. It's hard for me to express my feelings and even accept them. I'm really confused. A part of me wants to just fuck her ,but this new side she evokes in me wants to try shit out her. But I don't know, I'm conflicted. I just ain't wrapped my head around all this shit." I try to simplify how I feel as best as I can to my friends.
They both have thoughtful looks on their faces, as if they are really contemplating how I feel. Surprisingly, Amber speaks up first.
" Nokia, I love you like you my blood and shit, so imma keep it real, because I want you to be happy and I only want the best for you."
" ....You need to let the hell go ,and stop holding on to past hurt. You need to open up your heart again, and stop being afraid of relationships. You putting on this facade of just wanting sex, and not caring about love...but I know you."
" I know you want love, and someone special in your life. Shit it doesn't even have to be love, I just know you want a connection with someone beyond sex. But you're never gonna get it if you don't stop being stubborn and trying to avoid relationships. You're getting in your own way. And as soon as you get out of your way shit will be so much easier."
" So if you think digging this girl you need to get your shit together. I'm not asking you to take her hand in marriage but you need to be open minded, and start validating your feelings for others at least. And it's gonna be hard but it's only as hard as you make it bruh." Amber finally finishes her lecture. The only time she really speaks is when it's something serious, and I guess right now she was.
I contemplate it. I hated how she knew me so well and spit nothing but the truth. I needed to hear it, and it helped. But in the end it's gonna be my choice of what happens. I can continue doing what I been doing or actually try something new. It was all up to me.
" Hell yeah. I know we play a lot, and like how you get chicks so easily . But at the end of the day, we want you to be happy. If you ready to be in a relationship do it by all means. If you want to continue to just have sex with people, that's fine too. Just be sure that's what you want. Don't be afraid of change and trying new shit. Because you never know what you could be missing out on." Drew shrugs her shoulders , looking at me.
I love my friends. Yeah they play a lot, but at the end of the day I know I always have their support and I can fall back on them. They always gave good insight on shit I couldn't figure out for myself.
" Damn y'all niggas right. I hate to admit it, but y'all right."
" Yeah yeah nigga. Take our advice and get ya shit together." Amber says, mugging me.
" Suck my ass." I throw a fry at her , and she dodges it and cracks a smile at me. We both just laugh at each other.
We all continue to eat, and get silent, just indulging in the background noise of the cafeteria. But then Drew speaks.
" Yo, Nokia. What about Solána, I thought you was feeling her. What's up with that?" My eyes light up as soon as I hear the name, and I smile as I think about her.
I think about how cute she looked today , and how everything and everybody seemed irrelevant when I seen her. In that moment it felt like it was just me and her. Nothing else mattered.
Every time I was around it's like her presence demanded my attention, and I couldn't tear my eyes off her or keep my mind off her.
And I just wish I could hold her attention too...the way she holds mine.
It's something about her that just draws me in. And I can't get enough of it.
I ignore my thoughts, so I can answer Drew's question.
" Welll...its kinda more complicated than it already was."
" What you do?" Drew says knowingly, looking at me curiously.
" So we kinda been warming up to each other , since we work on the project and shit. Like we talk about shit, and she's even been to my apartment. Ive started flirting with her and trying to make a move on her , and she acts all shy about it like a girl who's interested. But then she says she isn't gay, and brings up her boyfriend."
" Maybe she's not , and she's just a shy person." Drew says. I feel myself getting defensive and mad at Drew's opinion.
" Ok but maybe she is and she's just a shy person." Amber says backing me up. Exactly.
"Anyway yesterday in class it was our usual thing, me flirting and her turning me down. But then I just caught her staring at me. Staring at my titties. And I ask her if she good and she get all nervous, but keeps looking at em. And then her hands start shaking and I know it was because she was getting turned on. So I grab her hands and place them on my chest." I cringe at how bad that sounds.
Looking back at it, I know I shouldn't have went about it. But it was clearly what she wanted. I could feel it. She could feel it. We could both feel it. She just didn't have the balls to do it, so I did it for her.
Sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands.
" YOU DID WHAT???" Drew's eyes get big as fuck.
" Exactly what I said." I answer back simply.
" Yooo you shouldn't have did that, maybe she just had never seen boobs like yours. And I mean you never wear a bra." Drew says.
" Right. How do you even know she's gay, and wanted to touch them?" Amber says, shaking her head.
" Because once she was touching them. She squeezed them...like 3 different times." I reply.
That shuts them up very quickly and they look at me wide eyed.
" Yeah nigga, she gay." Drew says, sipping out her milk carton.
" Where the hell was the teacher while y'all was doing this gay ass shit?" Amber says , looking confused.
" We had a sub, who wasn't paying us any mind. Plus we were in the back of the class."
" Ok, wait wait wait. What happened after all this? Did she say or do anything else? Like what's the problem now?"
I grimace at that before answering. " Well it's like she came to her senses and she ran out the class looking like she just killed someone. And now she's ignoring me, and avoiding me. It seems like she's mad at me, and doesn't want anything to do with me. And I don't know why."
" Wow. She sounds confusing as hell. I mean I really don't know how she feels or her thoughts but it sounds like she might be gay. She's probably in denial of it, and confused too. Just fall back and give her , her space. And don't make any moves like that again, if she does decides to ever talk to you again.Or everything is just gonna blow up in your face." Drew says.
" So you mean to tell me you like two girls at the same time ? You really getting yourself into some shit. I think you need to just pursue one, preferably Mel. That's less complicated. Or else it's gonna be messy." Amber says.
" No! I like Solána , and it's just something about her I can't resist. She's doing something different to me. I know it sounds like a lost cause, but I don't want to give up just because of it comes with trials. I refuse to let her slip out my hands."
" Ok then what the fuck are you doing with Mel then?"
" I like her..a lot. And I'm not going to wait on Solána to come to her senses and get my hopes up on something that's probably not going anywhere. So I'm going to focus on Melanie , and see where it goes. And I'm not committing to her either. I want to leave my options open."
" Ok whatever you say. Just be careful, because all of that could go left." Drew says sounding unsure about everything.
" I know. I got this, everything gonna work out." I say having mixed feelings about everything.
A couple minutes pass, and I see a familiar person making their way over to our table. Marie. I smile and wave at her.
As she sits down we hug .Then I realize Amber and Drew are here and don't know who she is.
" Oh guys this is my friend from poetry, Marie. Marie these are my two best friends, Amber and Drew." I introduce them and they greet each other back.
" What you doing here? I thought you go out for lunch." I ask curiously.
" Nah I didn't want to be caught in all that traffic today. But I am mad, I wanted some Mexican food." She says pouting.
" Aw, damn that's too bad. New York traffic is insane, so I feel you. I could make you some Mexican food one day for lunch if you want." I suggest ,shrugging my shoulders.
Marie's eyes lights up , and her smile full of braces widens. I laugh at her cuteness, she's so adorable.
"Omg really? You'd do that for me Nokia, aweee you're so sweet." She hugs me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I'm not even fazed by the action, because that's just Marie being Marie.
My friends look on with their brows raised and their eyes big as hell. I just ignore it, deciding to explain later.
" Yeah, I don't mind. What you like? Fajitas, tamales, tacos, enchiladas, I can make it allll." I say, confidently. I can actually cook, I'm just lazy so I barely cook and just eat fast food.
" Nigga you can not fuckin cook. The only thing your ass can cook is some damn Ramen noodles." Drew says being an asshole.
She knows she's lying. I can cut up in the kitchen. And her hungry ass be the main person eating everything I make ,the rare occasions I do cook.
" Stop fuckin lyin. If I can't cook why you be the main one eating the shit and taking plates home, fatass." I say rolling my eyes at her.
Amber and Marie start laughing at me and Drew's argument.
" Nigga stop lying, me and you both know you can't cook. Don't eat nothing she make you, you gonna throw the hell up." Drew tells Marie.
Marie laughs at Drew's antics and I want to punch Drew in her face. She always playing.
" Ok then, nigga. Next time I cook I don't want to see you're greedy ass nowhere near my food. Soon as you touch something I'm cutting off yo fingers with a knife." I say serious, but joking.
" Nigga what knife? Yo butter knife? The one use to cut your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in half?" Drew asks, looking confused.
We all start laughing at this one. I can't even be serious long with this nigga.
" Oh you got jokes now , huh? Fuck you." I say laughing at her.
" Nigga you know I'm playing with you. She actually can cook. Let me stop playing, before I miss out on a meal." Drew says smiling and laughing.
My friends continue to talk and get to know Marie and I space out in my own little world. I start to think about Solána.
I wonder how she would react to my friends. And I wonder how she would act around them. Would she like or dislike them?
I cut my thoughts short and decide it doesn't matter since we would never get to that point anyway, and she would never meet my friends. Shit, she didn't even like me anymore.
I sigh and just stare around the lunchroom , and someone catches my eyes. Solána.
I knew she had this lunch but I rarely see her around. I smile but my smile leaves when I see her leaving her table, with a distraught expression on her face.
She looks really upset, and it's like she don't seem like her usual bubbly, positive self. Her movements are fast, and she seems to be going in the direction of the bathroom.
A part of me begins to feel down, as if I feel what she feels. Seeing her like that makes me feel bad. I didn't want to see her like that.
I wanted to see what was wrong with her, and put a smile back on her face. Or fuck up whoever had her feeling bad.
Strong emotion takes over my being and I start to feel a wave of anxiousness, frustration, and somewhat upset. I try to think of what can have her feeling down, but I come up with nothing.
All I can think of is her boyfriend because that's all I really know about her, I don't know her fully. Her fears, her problems, insecurities.
And I start to feel even sadder that I don't know shit about her. I've been worried about the wrong things and don't even genuinely know her.
" Guys I have to go to the bathroom I'll be back." I spare my friends a glance, and they nod at me. I walk away from the table, throwing my trash away. I walk through the lunchroom until I reach the bathroom.
I take a breath before opening the door. I walk in and there she is with her back turned to me as she washes her hand, unaware of who I am.
I contemplate what to say or do for a minute since I don't really don't know how to show affection and comfort. Especially if it's someone like Solána who's stubborn. Fuck it, just say whatever or do whatever needs to be done, bruh.
I study her presence a little while longer and can see how stressed she is from her body language. She looks tired, her posture isn't upright how it usually is, and her head is down as she washes her hands. Damn.
" Solána..." I say her name, a little unsure of how to approach her in this situation. But truth is I don't know how to approach her in any situation.
I don't know how she wants to be treated, what to say, or what to do when I'm around her.All I know is what I'm used to.
And I'm always fuckin shit up. I don't know how to not be an asshole around her. It's like I try my best to impress her and it makes the situation worse. Other girls usually like it, but with her it's the opposite. She's different.
I look at her through the mirror and she sighs, and doesn't even look up. Which indicates she knows it me. She closes her eyes then makes eye contact with me through the mirror.
Her eyes look so dark, and dull. Her eyes usually seem to be full of light, and happiness. But they look so empty and lifeless right now.
Her face doesn't contain her usual smile, instead it's also empty. She doesn't look like the Solána I'm used to and it almost scares me.
" What do you want, Destiny?" She says in an monotonous voice. I cringe once I realize she calls me by my real name, which is a pet peeve of mine.
She usually respected that I don't like being called by my name but today she just didn't give a fuck.
I chuckle a little , before sighing. " So that's what we doin now? It's like that?" I scrutinize her as I shove my hands in my pocket.
She chuckles bitterly, and I start to feel a little irritated myself. Why is she being such a bitch?
"Yep it is like that. I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to look at you , I don't even want to breathe the same air as you. I just want you to leave me the hell alone, and go bother someone else." She says her voice rising a few octaves, and getting louder.
My stomach, and heart drops a little at that. At everything she just said. I begin to feel horrible and regret everything from yesterday. I didn't want to be on Solána's bad side. She was the one person I actually was interested in , and wanted to get to know. But I guess it's too late for that now.
" Damn I fucked up didn't I ? You really don't want shit to do with me?" I say, already knowing the answer. But asking anyway, to hurt my own feelings.
" Yes you did. You don't respect me, my sexuality, or my relationship. You continue to come on to me time after time. I thought I wasn't your type, so why the hell do you keep trying to pursue me? All I wanted was to be your friend."
"I'm not gay. I don't like girls, and I especially don't like you. I am not a girl who will be another notch in your belt, to fulfill your stupid, twisted fantasy. And fuck you for thinking that." She lets all her thoughts out without even stopping for air.
I stand there shook because I had never seen this side of Solána. She was always so shy, and hesitant in what she wanted to say. She was the happy, chill person that cheered you up.
But right now she was very vocal and showing a more aggressive side.
I felt dumb. But everything she said was valid. I had no right to force or manipulate her into something she didn't want or wasn't ready for.
Maybe she wasn't gay and I had just misinterpreted this entirely.
It grows silent as we both stand there looking at each other and then I speak.
" Look I'm sorry, I know I fucked up. And I want to make things right." I say.
That's all I can really say. I don't know what else to say or do to make the situation better. So sorry is all I can give for now. A sorry ass sorry.
I move towards her wanting to calm her down. I just wanted her to chill because it looked like she was going to explode.
And I felt like the only thing that would help is being close to her or holding her.
As I get closer to her we continue making eye contact in the mirror, staring intently at each other.
She freezes up and looks more tense than before. But then she speaks up.
" No fuck it. I don't care about anything you have to say. Go find another girl to toy with. Like your little girlfriend." She says bitterly.
I feel hurt, but then I realize I have no idea what she's talking about. What girlfriend? Who is she talking about?
" What? What girlfriend? Who are you talking about?" I ask, genuinely confused. She folds her arms over her chest looking at me like I'm full of shit.
" You know who I'm talking about. The girl you sat with in poetry. The girl who you were talking shit about me with. Yeah, that girl. Go fuck with her." She fumes. And that's when I realize who she's talking about.
" Marie? Omg, you definitely have it all wrong. She's a friend, a very good friend. I don't even look at her in that way. She's cool but no." I laugh.
And it was true. Marie was cute and all, but I didn't see her as anything more than a friend. I had enough on my plate already.
I was chasing after a girl who might not even be gay, and has a boyfriend. And if I ever did have a chance with her I probably fucked them all up.
Then a girl I'm really feeling , but still hesitant about taking the next step with. I was scared of commitment and was so used to my ways, so it really was fucking with me.
I didn't have time to be feeling any other chick, it would just make my life even more stressful.
" Yeah whatever you say Nokia." She rolls her eyes , and busy herself with drying her hands.
Godamn, why is she like that? I sigh before trying to figure out what to say next.
" And we weren't talking shit about you. Yes we were talking about you but not in a bad way. I was telling her about how I ..." I pauses realizing I can't tell her what we were actually talking about.
" How what?" She says, looking irritated.
" How I uhhh..,want to be friends with you but I'm bad at it. And how I like spending time with you." I shrug my shoulders , feeling hella corny.
She squints her eyes in suspicion at me, trying to see if I was lying. But I was actually telling part of the truth.
I ain't tryna be ya friend though, I'm tryna get up in the pants and maybe be your woman.
I brush my thoughts off, and look at Solána who's face has softened since the start of our conversation. She almost looks like her usual self again.
"You do? You like spending time with me?" She finally turns around and looks at me.
She looks up at me with hopeful, childlike eyes and a half smile. I start to feel all weak inside. Damn.
We stare at each other again, intensely. I stare at her in awe and interest. And I wish I could say the same for her. But I really don't know that.
I just brush it off, and decide to speak.
" Yes, I do. You know that, don't you?" I walk closer towards her not being able to control myself.
I just wanted to be next to her, and wanted her to feel everything I was feeling in this moment.
She looks at me innocently , and backs up as I move towards her. Finally we end up in front of the sink, with her butt touching it, as I'm hovering in front of her.
She hold on to the sides of the sink, and lowers her head avoiding eye contact with me.
I grab ahold of her chin, making her look into my eyes. We look at each other intently with feelings that we only know ourselves.
I feel complete in this moment, and everything seems clear. Fuck everybody and all the hypotheticals, I know what I'm feeling.
I know what she's feeling. She just ne-
" You're full of shit, get the hell away from me." She pulls away from me, startling me while knocking me out my thoughts.
Its like all her anger and frustration comes back. What the hell is up with her? What does this mean?
She gathers all her things getting ready to walk out the bathroom.
And this is when I feel myself getting worked up and not giving a fuck.
" Yo, why are you being like that? You touched my boobs I didn't make you." I say purposely, being an asshole to piss her off. Fuck her, and her mixed signals.
" Yes the fuck you did! You manipulated me into doing it. You liar." She turns around, to defend herself.
" Ok yeah, but it's not like you didn't want to. You wanted to do it. I just helped you out." I shrug, sending a smirk her way.
She just stares at me blankly, and then continues to make her exit. Fuck.
I walks after her, and grab her arm, making her turn towards me. " Solána- "
" Don't fuckin touch me, Destiny" She snatches her arm out of my hold, and I feel shocked for the second time. My mouth hangs open, and I stand there without anything left to say.
I watch as she walks out the bathroom , feeling confused as hell. What was with her? One minute it seemed like we were getting somewhere the next, we were back where we started.
I can't deal with this. I stand there longer, recalling our very intense encounter. Not being able to decide how I should feel.
Should I be turned on or scared? I smile at the thought as I make my way out the bathroom, ready to continue with my day.
Hey y'all, happy new year!!!❤️🙌🏾 I wish y'all the best, and hope y'all have an abundance of good things that come. I'm hoping to have this book finished the first half of this year but you never know with me.😭 THANK YALL FOR ALL THE SUPPORT, my book is at 43k views I never thought it would happen. Thank you, but really it's just about making a non cliche book and putting my crazy ideas in the world.
This chap was basically just Nokia POV of their argument, but I hope y'all enjoyed. Next chapter boutta be a lil wild doh, get ready. Ready to turn this shit up a notch even though I been sayin that forever. 💀❤️
Ok I'm done. Vote. Comment/Discuss. Share, or add to your reading list. Love y'all for sticking around and fuckin with me. (Ps listen to song in media so relevant to Nokia and Solána 😫)
- Arieaja 🌚💕