"Because I'm a fucking psychopath, baby."
Silence engulfed us for atleast a minute. My breaths were laboured, my hands clenched and my eyes staring at Logan in disbelief and absolute astonishment. That feeling slowly dissipated, and what replaced it was fear. Not just any kind of fear. A raw and punishing type of fear, where you felt absolutely petrified. My chest felt sore and painful, but I had no idea why. Why would this revelation be so shocking when it deemed the obvious all along?
From the beginning, I knew that something was wrong with him. Maybe he was bipolar. Or he had a borderline personality disorder. Anything besides psychopathy. I had no idea how to feel. Should I have felt sorry for him and try to help him? Or fear him more than I already did and cower away like a coward?
When I looked into his deep blue eyes again, I knew that I wanted to help him. I knew immediately by the look in his eyes that he needed more people to care for him than leave him. Whether he had a lost shine in his eyes, a certainty or indescribable anger. I wanted to help him.
"Even more scared of me now?" He questioned rhetorically, looking at me almost sarcastically. His blue eyes were shining and every once in while he would wipe the water droplets coming from his hair out of his eyes.
I gulped deeply, realising that helping him was going to be harder than I first imagined. There was one tiny issue with that plan... the fact that he might not even want my help at all.
"No." I lied, trying to sound as brave as possible. Then I realised, why should I lie to him and give him hope. "Actually, maybe a bit but we can work on that."
"What the fuck do you mean? Did you not hear a word I've said. The only reason I distance myself so much from people is because I always end up doing something so fucking crazy they end up getting hurt. Don't you understand that?"
Despite my heart beating like crazy, I said, "I heard you and I understand aswell."
"Then that's fine. You can stay fucking scared of me." He mumbled, seeming upset. "I don't care, because if you are then you would stay away from me."
"Well, I wasn't the one that brought us here." I stated softly, trying not to trigger him.
"You're right. After today, we should never associate again."
"Logan..."
He ignored me, swimming towards the bank. He didn't ignore the way I flinched away, and scoffed because of it, raising himself out of the water. What he said made sense. It made sense in everyway possible, but the thought of never seeing him again made me so extremely sad. Maybe I had gone insane. Every other normal person would have been running for the hills after the way he acted today. Why wasn't I running for the hills? I wanted to groan out loud at how stupid I was being, but kept it in.
I knew that I was being so stupid. I acknowledged that, but something was still keeping me from never wanting to see him again. I was such a collateral mess.
I was surprised when Logan lowered his hands for me to take. I put my hands in his after a moment of thought, feeling the same tingles I felt shoot up my arms whenever he touched me. How could he still have the same effect on me after what I've discovered about him? I was so screwed.
Logan gripped my hands and helped me up and out of the water so easily as if I weighed nothing. The water felt amazing and warm, but the moment my body was exposed to the cool air a shiver racked through me. I wished we could have stayed longer here. This place was absolutely beautiful and so peaceful, I wouldn't mind staying here all day. When Logan let go of my hands, he turned around and marched straight towards this clothes. His bent down and picked up his jeans, ready to put it on without even drying himself first.
"Wait, I have a towel if you'd like. You can get sick if you stay wet." I said, surprised at the amount of concern in my tone.
My voice halted his movements, causing his eyes to shift towards me. They stared at me for a moment too long, scrutinising me. I felt hot and bothered under his gaze, and thanked the temperature for being so chilly or my blush would have shown.
"Why do you care?" He finally asked.
"Because I do." I said before I could stop myself. Oh, the mess I was digging myself into was becoming bigger by the minute.
"And why is that?" He asked lowly. "Because you feel sorry for me? Because I'm fucking crazy?"
I squeezed my eyes tightly before opening them again. Cautiously, I walked towards him till I was standing right in front of him.
"You're not crazy, Logan."
He chuckled darkly. "Yeah, right."
"Now wait till I get my bag." I offered a smile.
I hastily walked towards my bag and picked it up, knowing that he was the type to not listen at all and do the exact opposite.
"Here." I offered, handing him my white fluffy towel after retrieving it from my bag.
He took it slowly, his eyes staring at me almost in question. I bit my lip, feeling nervous especially when his gaze lingered on me too long. He used the towel to dry himself off, first his arms and chest then his hair, all the while staring at me. My eyes stared right back at him, not being able to look away. He was just so beautiful. He was beautiful but damaged on the inside. It was a toxic combination.
"Come here." He finally said after a long moment of us just staring at each other.
"What?" I asked shakily.
"Just come." He said impatiently. "You're beavering in the cold."
"Oh." I blushed and took the two remaining steps between us towards him. He used the still dry towel to wrap around me from behind, before he started drying me off. I stayed dead still, my breathing feeling heavy. He was so tall, atleast a head or more taller than me and it actually looked bothersome for him to bend towards my level and dry me. When he got towards my stomach and legs, I shivered heavily. Judging by the small smile that crept up his lips, I knew he noticed it too.
After I was successfully dry, minus my still wet bikini, he ringed out my hair and dried it with the towel till it was partially dry and not dripping.
"Put on your dress, babygirl. I have my jacket in the car if you're still cold." He said.
My skin turned even warmer as I pulled out my dress. This was what I meant. One minute he was demanding, controlling and forceful and the next he was sweet and caring.
When we were both dressed, we silently walked back to the car. It mostly consisted of Logan walking ahead of me while I rushed to keep up in hopes of not getting lost. When we got to the car, he surprised me by opening the car door for me and without any words, buckling me in again. My heart was touched at the action, knowing how hard it was for him to stay sweet all the time when he was fighting a mental condition. I leaned back into the leather seats and breathed in deeply, catching a wiff of Logan's manly smell.
I was so scared of what would happen between us next.
We were out of the forest in no time, and back onto the road with me staring at my hands and Logan's steely gaze onto the road. His hands were clenching the wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. His shoulders were so tensed, and he looked like he was having an internal conflict with himself. I sighed deeply and rested my head against the seat, averting my gaze out of the window. I was gripping the seatbelt tightly for reasons I had no idea of. I guess it was just instinct being around Logan.
I felt uncomfortable and cold due to the window being slightly open and my wet underwear.
"You can reach to the back and grab my jacket. Even in my peripheral view you look cold." Logan suddenly said, not looking at me once.
I smiled feeling grateful. He could be so thoughtful sometimes. "Thank you." I whispered, not wanting to disrupt the peaceful silence in the car. I did exactly what he said, and found a black hoodie that looked so comfortable I was excited to put it on. I shrugged the hoodie on with difficulty due to the seatbelt but managed to be successful. When I was settled in the large oversized jacket, I melted into it. It was so warm and fuzzy and smelled just like Logan. It was absolutely comforting.
I was drifting off to sleep after a long moment, when I heard Logan's voice.
"Sleep tight, babygirl."
Then I fell into a deep sleep.
**
"Seraphina?"
I heard a distant voice, but I couldn't be too sure if I was imagining it or not. My eyes remained shut and I ignored it, snuggling deeper into what felt like possibly the most comfortable thing ever. My bed.
"Sera..." The voice continued. I felt a hand on my shoulder, softly jerking me awake.
My eyes slowly drifted open, but I felt extremely drowsy. I sat up and slowly rubbed my eyes, letting it adjust to my surroundings. I was in my room, as per usual. And then, I realised that I had no idea how I even got in my room. I jerked away from the hand, only to see that it was a concerned looking Gabriel. I relaxed a bit, so relieved to see him.
"Are you okay, princess?" He asked, sitting down at the edge of my bed. I rubbed my head, feeling a slight ache there. I was forming a headache. It happened sometimes when I woke up, and I absolutely hated it.
"Yeah." I mumbled. "How did I get here?"
"Logan said he brought you home after you guys swam at the beach. You said you were tired?"
I wanted to cringe. More lies we were telling my brother. I felt horrible.
"Oh yeah, I forgot."
"When I got home you were sleeping."
I glanced at my wall clock to see that it was past eight pm. Logan and I left the stream at about past three, meaning that I must have been asleep for about four hours. He must have carried me to my room without Ben or Bethany seeing, as I knew they would ponder him with questions till there wasn't any questions left in this world to ask.
This also meant that Gabriel only got home now. He left me for so long at the beach without a care in the world and I knew without a doubt that he knew about Logan's condition. Yet he still left me and only decided to come home like five hours later.
"So, was it fun at the beach with all of your fake friends? Without having to worry about me at all?" I asked rhetorically, growing really mad at how careless he was.
"I was drunk, Ser. And after I calmed down a bit and drank atleast a litre of water I was able to drive myself home. I was so worried about you but Logan said you were okay."
"I'm never ever going out with you again," I said angrily, partially upset and partially sad. "You never want me to speak to your friends and you were perfectly okay with ditching me there alone!"
"I'm sorry, okay. I really am. I'm just feeling so down right now about the whole thing with mom and dad-"
"Didn't you once stop to think how I felt? I never went out and got drunk like you did. I can actually deal with my problems without alcohol!"
He stood up suddenly, growing really angry. "The whole reason why I'm upset is because they fucking left you and have been leaving you since you were a baby just to go on business trips. That's the reason I'm fucking upset. Don't you get it? I'm not the damn selfish one here." He raged, looking at me like he couldn't believe me.
What a mess?
I stayed silent, feeling tears form in my eyes. Gabriel rarely ever got mad at me and when he did it made me really sad and feel bad about myself.
"Seraphina, don't cry. I'm sorry." I felt the bed dip in again as Gabriel sat down. He ushered me into a hug, wrapping his arms around me. I sniffled and let my tears flow into his shirt, the emotions overwhelming me. I needed my mom and dad but they were never around. I missed them so much. And all that pent up feelings over their four month trip was finally coming out. Mother didn't try to Skype with me once even when she promised she would. But she atleast texted me a few times. My father couldn't even bother. He never did.
"I miss them." I said through my cries. "I miss them all the time and it's like I never get to see them. It's like they don't exist in our lives, Gabriel. It's hurt so much."
"I'm so sorry." He whispered, his voice cracking. "But I'm here. I'll always be here."
I nodded vigorously, my snot and tears probably soaking his shirt. After a long moment of me crying and Gabriel soothingly rubbing my back, I pulled away.
"I never meant to push you away in front of my friends, Sera. It was never about embarrassment. It was about them not being good enough for you. They aren't good people, but you are. I never wanted them to interact with you, but next time if you want me to introduce them I will. You're not a baby anymore."
I nodded, letting a small grateful smile appear on my face. "Thank you."
"No problem, princess. Are you hungry? I can ask Bethany to make you something."
"Yes, please. I'm starving. Can she make some pasta? Chicken?"
"Of course." He placed a kiss on my forehead and stood up. "And maybe after we can watch a movie?"
I knew he wanted nothing more than to go sleep. His eyes looked tired and he hasn't even slept on all that alcohol he had consumed.
"That's okay, big bro. I think I'm just gonna run me a bath right now. Besides, you need sleep, I mean look at you." I teased.
He chuckled. "Haha, funny."
"Get some rest." I said, smiling.
He nodded, and on cue let out a big yawn.
"I'll ask Beth to send the food up to you, alright."
"Thanks."
He left the room after sending me one last glance. I knew he was worried about me, since he always worried too much. But I was sure I didn't need my parents. I've been without them for long periods of times even when I was a child, this was nothing new. Besides, I had all the support I needed in my life right now. There was Beth and Ben, there was Bella and Caitlyn, and most importantly there was Gabriel. I couldn't really ask for more right now.
I reached over to the nightstand where my bag was neatly put. I grabbed it and pulled my phone out to see that I had more than five messages from an unknown number. I gulped deeply, knowing exactly who it was.
I carried you to your room because you fell asleep.
I also told Gabriel that we swam at the beach and not the stream. He would certainly kill me if he knew the truth.
Forget that, he would slice my balls off.
I couldn't help but let out a small giggle.
This whole time I only realised now that you probably don't have my number saved. It's Logan by the way.
I didn't really apologize for touching you in inappropriate places. Something deep and dark triggered inside of me, and I couldn't stop it. This always happens. Which is why I'd rather not see you again to avoid situations like that. I'm truly sorry, Seraphina. Please forgive me.
I frowned a bit, before letting out a long sigh. I was about to reply when the door to my bedroom opened and in came Bethany. I quickly pressed the power button to my phone. I knew that she wouldn't be able to see my texts, but I was afraid given it was so private to both Logan and I.
"Hey, Sweety." She said, smiling kindly at me before coming forward with a tray in her hand.
"Hi, Beth!" I said excitedly. I loved being around her because she always had that motherly sense to her and it really calmed me when I was feeling unrested like right now.
"How was your day out with Gabriel today?"
It was eventful is all I could think of.
"Really fun." I lied, a large fake smile on my face. "We swam and built sand castles and I met his friends. They're all wonderful."
I almost cringed at the lie I was so fluently sprouting. I loved Bethany too bits and I hated lying to her, but I didn't want her to start asking questions if I told her too much.
"That's great, honey. I'm really glad you got out of the house for a change and had some fun." She came forward till she was right besides my bed and handed me the wooden tray. I took it gratefully and placed it on my bed. There was a delicious smelling and looking pasta dish in a white bowl on the tray, a plate with cut up apples and a tall glass of juice. My stomach made a growling sound and I blushed when Beth chuckled.
I grabbed the bowl and fork and bit into it. "Hmm...goodness this is like heaven. Everytime it gets better." I moaned.
"That's because it's made with love." She chuckled.
I flashed her a grateful smile. "How did you prepare it so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. I made it this afternoon already for when you were to come home. I knew you would want chicken pasta."
I truly loved and appreciated Beth, and it came out in moments like this. She was like a mom in many ways and she has been around since I was a baby.
"Bethany, you are a goddess." I exclaimed.
"I try." She winked. "I'll leave you too that then."
"Alright have a nice night, Beth."
She left the room afterwards, and when I was sure she was absolutely gone I immediately set the bowl down and picked up my phone. As hungry as I was, Logan's text messages just seemed so important. I pondered long before I finally found the right words to say.
I don't know, Logan. You really scared me.
I breathed out deeply when I hit send and wished with everything in me that I could take it back. It sounded rude, didn't it? Oh god. But then again, a small voice at the back of my head reminded me that he deserved it after all he has done. I waited anxiously for him to reply, and after about ten minutes I heard the noise from my phone. But it wasn't a beep. It was my ring tone. My heart pounded in my chest when I saw it was the unknown number.
I swipe the arrow towards the green icon, accepting the call. I slowly brought the phone to my ear.
"Hello." I said quietly. The mansion was big and Gabriel's room was a considerable amount away from mine, but I was still afraid someone would hear.
"Hello, darling."
I melted on the spot when his husky voice entered the speaker. I found it weird talking to him over the phone. I rarely had phone conversations with anyone besides Bella.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
"I'm okay." I replied curtly.
"I didn't quite get an 'okay' vibe from your message. But I completely understand if you can't forgive me. I don't even deserve it."
"I'm sorry, Logan." I said softly. "I'm not even mad at you."
"You should be. I'm an asshole that will only hurt you and not be able to stop myself."
I swallowed and clenched my hand around my phone. I didn't know what to say.
"How are you really feeling? Don't lie this time." He said.
He could even tell I was lying over the phone.
"I'm just sad. About what happened today and about the fact that I've been abandoned by my parents." I said honestly. There was no point in hiding the truth from him.
"I'm still so sorry about that, Sera. I swear it will never happen again, you don't have to worry about that because I don't think we will see each other again."
I sucked in a deep breath.
"And about your parents, fuck them. I'm not really a person who gives comfort, so all I can tell you is that you are so way deserving of better parents. You are so perfect, so smart and sweet and if they don't have time for you then honestly you shouldn't worry the fuck about them."
For some reason, I found comfort in his words and relaxed my tensed figure back against the headboard.
"I'm sorry if that sounded a bit harsh."
"It didn't. Thank you. And you're perfect too, Logan."
He chuckled deeply, the sound vibrating towards me. I melted into my bed.
"Far from it, babygirl."
A small smile formed on my lips. I bit my lip imagining his expression right now, and how undoubtedly handsome he would look. A long silence settled between us. I could hear breathing which was the only thing keeping me from thinking that he might have hung up.
I finally asked, "When will I see you again?"
"Probably not anytime soon. Maybe never."
I shut my eyes tightly and breathed in deeply.
"But-"
"I'm not good for you. Why aren't you running for the hills after what happened today? Any other girl would. And you should too."
"Logan, I will miss you." I said without hesitation, my heart pounding in my chest.
"I will miss you too, Sweetheart. I always will. But I'm just a phone call away. You can call me anytime for anything. If you're feeling sad, down, unhappy, just ring me up. I would feel much better to talk to you if you're not around me."
I knew exactly why. He didn't trust himself. He could be so good sometimes it was hard to imagine that he acted the way he did today.
"Thank you." Was all I could say.
"Anytime. Goodnight, Seraphina."
"Goodnight, Logan." I said, before hearing the beep that he hung up.
I placed my phone onto my nightstand and rested my head against the headboard for another ten minutes. I was thinking hard about what Logan said, and how we would probably never see eachother again.
I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
But one feeling for sure, one feeling that stood out the most was utter sadness.
**❤️**
Unedited.