May 2006
Bayhollow Catholic School
Bayhollow, Ontario
Most of the student body was present for the final morning congregation at the smoking section across from the school. It was first thing in the morning and I was about to be surrounded by an intense group of fluttery teenagers, it had my pulse racing.
Maybe if it runs fast enough it could take me with it.
Luckily, Matt got my attention before I stepped out to join the sea of strangers. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me close to him, his boney frame and tighter than healthy grip was welcomed, he was there when I needed him as he had been so many times before.
I was able to regulate my heart rate slightly with his presence and support but the intimidation was so real that I could see the noises in clouds above their heads, though it may have been crystallized breath from the constant jabbering. He and I walked side by side down the field, we talked about when we dated and how I threatened to beat up the girl that he was seeing after he broke up with me, one of many times.
A young man named Damien grabbed my arm halfway down the football field that separated the school from the property line. "So, you're making my dream come true, I hear." He looked at me expectingly and I stopped walking, making him jerk to a stop as his arm was looped around mine. "You know... you're having Patrick's baby. That guy is my hero, man. I want to be him someday. I would give anything to switch places with you." He pulled me in for a hug. "But seriously man, if you ever need anything, I'm here for you," he said aloud. "When you kick Patrick to the curb, give me a call," he whispered as he hugged me. He stepped back and held out a sweater to me.
How tasteless and completely out of place? Do I even know you?
His final comment made me cringe, I couldn't differentiate Damien from a hole in the wall and when I looked back Matt had the same look as me on his face, he heard what Damien whispered and didn't seem overly pleased. Patrick and I had only been together for eight months at the time which isn't a long time when you're sixteen and nineteen years old but we had a plan and we were going to follow through and be a family when everything was done and over with.
I looked over the sweater and nodded. I wasn't sure what was going on and definitely was not in the mood at five months pregnant, the morning of my tenth grade exam to solve any riddles. "Nice sweater..." I said while shoving it in his direction.
He gave it a nudge back. "No, you can have that. It's huge." His eyes widened and everyone else who was standing near us froze and looked at me for a reaction. I was daydreaming about steak and baked potatoes, his comments were like background noise that made no difference. "I didn't mean you're huge, I just meant, it'll fit for a long time..."
I shrugged and put it under my arm. "Okay. Whatever."
A skinny girl with flowing brown hair that reached her lower back, joined the group and pointed at me. "Do you remember the time you threatened to beat me up because I was dating Matt? I was so scared, my friends were like, man, she's going to murder you. I'm so glad that never happened."
I laughed and tapped Matt's shoulder with the back of my hand. "We were just talking about that! I can't believe that even happened."
Matt laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh yeah, walking down memory lane. Let's leave it at that, if you don't mind."
I hit Matt in the chest with Damien's sweater and laughed. "I couldn't stay mad at you, I love you too much."
"But you love me more right?" Damien pushed himself into the moment.
"I love you too, Ama and I doubt that very much Damien." Matt hugged me and gave me a kiss on my forehead.
"He's right Damien, there's too much history between us." I laid into the hug and breathed in his fresh clean scent.
"Well that's not fair!" Damien pouted.
The warning bell rang and we took our time getting to the building. After my exams I was leaving and some of these people I knew I would never see again.
______________________
I was already packed and ready to go when my exam ended. I waited outside the front entrance of my high school for my social workers black sedan, in the pouring rain, it had been a chilly but lovely morning with many farewells and a sweater but somehow it deteriorated and showers were all that remained. I stood at the end of the sidewalk and checked out every driver that pulled in and of course every person who exited the building warranted a moment's attention.
I was anxious about the move but excited all the same, this was the new start I wanted, this was moving out and gaining an independence that I have craved for so long. What could possibly go wrong?
Grace pulled up along the sidewalk and unlocked the doors. "Hey kiddo, how was your exam?" She had a smile on her face when I looked over from the passenger seat. "How do you think you did?" Her black curly hair was perfectly placed and smelled of expensive shampoo.
The car rolled onto the paved lot and she pulled out of the school driveway. I didn't care about the exams, the written word had lost its beauty, it meant nothing when there was a person forming inside of me. "Meh. It was Home Economics, but they call it Travel and Tourism, isn't that strange?" I changed the subject fast, I didn't have the energy to answer questions, I could barely breathe with my child pushing my organs around in search of a hidden treasure and I just wanted to sleep. "I'm not worried about my grades, the look on the teachers face when I handed in my exam was enough to tell me I passed."
Not that I wanted sympathy or pity but I also couldn't see the situation from anywhere but the centre and it skewed my perception. Where I saw a strong woman doing something she wanted, understandably, the world saw a young girl with very little grasp on reality.