No single decision you ever made
has led in a straight line to where you find yourself now.
You peeked down some roads
and took a few steps before turning back.
You followed some roads
that came to a dead end
and others that got lost at too many intersections.
Ultimately, all roads are connected to all other roads.
― Deepak Chopra
Chapter Thirty-One – Addie
I have absolutely no idea what to do about my feelings for Liam. Being with him is amazing; he's understanding and sweet and pushes the right amount to show he cares. I have feelings for him I've never felt.
I thought I loved Than but at the time I was young and stupid, I thought any positive emotion from someone was all that mattered, in the beginning he was so good to me. He was respectful and sweet. He was a gentleman and then one day, it all just changed. He would do little things at first, that's always how it stared, right?
They would hit you once or 'accidently' do something, and then they would say sorry, they would be way kinder than they had been for a while, and then it would happen again, and each time it would be less and less time in-between, they would be less sorry, the accidents would get bigger.
You don't realize just how bad it's gotten until it pretty much slaps you in the face, or in my case, until the knife came out. Than loved his knife, it was a military like knife I think. it was black and lipped open and he spent a lot of time sharpening it. when he did it the first time, I couldn't believe it.
I tried to tell my parents and leave and they didn't care, once he saw they wouldn't do anything, there was no more 'sorry', only angry. It went from occasional accidents and being sorry to being hurt daily and only occasionally he wouldn't hurt me.
The knife was occasional, at first, but with time everything gets worse.
No one wants someone with a story like mine. I was beyond damaged in so many ways and Liam was not. Liam is from a place where things that happened to me aren't heard of. He looked horrified when I told him what the scars were from, and those are only some of the physical ones. We didn't even get into the others or the emotional ones.
I was so beyond fucked up and he didn't deserve that. He deserved someone so much better, someone who can be the girl he wants and needs. Someone he could settle down with and marry. He needed someone that wasn't me.
I wish I could stay, but maybe it was best I was leaving. We would have whatever we had this summer, and at the end I would leave. He would get over it and find the right girl. Maybe I would come back to visit, maybe I would come back when he got married.
Or maybe I would cut all ties; that would probably be the easiest.
It would be so hard to hear about who he was with, it would be so hard to hear about how everyone was doing and what goes on down here without being able to be apart from it.
My emotions seemed to be all over the place on this topic, and in three and a half weeks I guess I would do what felt right. It felt weird, knowing there was now less than a month until I left. Three and a half weeks felt like no time.
My heart squeezed uncomfortably at realization that I had been here for eight and a half weeks, and I only had three and a half left to go. I had already been here so little time and there was even less to go. I knew it would be best, but I wanted to be selfish and just stay here and never go home.
I wanted to just disappear from their lives, but I knew they would never allow it. They would drag me back kicking and screaming, there was no way I could actually stay.
I knew that I would go back, and I didn't want to make things harder on what is now my real family than they had to be. My parents could and would make things as bad for them as they possibly could and I knew that if I wanted any chance of actually keeping in contact, I had to go back to them on their terms.
If I fought it, they wouldn't let me do anything. I would be stuck with him, I probably wouldn't have a phone and I would be at his mercy. The only way to survive was to play the game.
It was like in Saw, if you don't play or keep fighting through, you die. They put you through tests and if you can't make it then you don't deserve to I guess, in their own twisted way. If I just tell myself that it's a game and it's all based on my will to survive then it doesn't seem as bad.
I keep thinking of ways to make excuses for this, but It's hard. My life is what it is. It was what I was born into and I wish every day that I had Lalan and Ethan as parents instead but the reality was that I didn't.
I was trapped with my family, my future planned out and my life according to them.
I would go to school to be a lawyer and Marry Than. My parents would do whatever to merge things with his family with the thought of his new wife in mind, and they would benefit with a whole lot of money.
I don't know if his dad knew a damn thing about what went on. He wasn't free much and I only met him a few times, I never told him and I don't think Than did either. From what I saw of him he seemed like a pretty good guy, he was kind to me and made jokes, the way you would think a future father in law to be.
He, my parents and Than knew they law, and they knew every possible way around it, and that's what made them so hard to fight with.
I lay in bed thinking about what to do next. Liam was out helping his dad and I didn't know what to do. I don't like to go around by myself in case I got lost and I know I promised him I would try to connect more with my family but I was finding it so difficult.
I was leaving and it didn't do any good to get close to anyone else. I would have never gotten close to Liam, but I was already sucked in before I realized it and it was going to hurt to leave him regardless, may as well spend as much time as I can before I leave.
It won't hurt me any less to cut ties now, and I know it would hurt him more too.
"Addison?" Aunt Lalan knocked on the door.
"Come in." I yelled back and she opened the door with her bright smile, I loved that about her and I would miss it.
"Hey sweetie."
"Hey Auntie." she came and sat down on my bed
"Up to help me?" she asked
"Of course, what do you need help with?"
"Well Caroline has the little girls, so I was hoping you and Kalila could help me make lunch for the boys and take it out to them."
"Anything you need." I got up and headed down stairs with her. I may not chose to be social, but if they try to talk to me or need help I wouldn't reject them, I would definitely try.
Plus, I loved making food for them, any time I did before it was with a time limit or standards. Here it's just something that's done for the family.
"Asher and Ethan are separate from Liam and Taylor. So Addie, could you take it to Liam and his father? Asher and Ethan are farther out and I don't think you know the way." She said with a sly smile and I smiled back at her, grateful that she gave me a little time to see him since they wont be back until late.
She already told me we would be having a late diner.
And I felt bad, Liam had been spending more time with me and less helping out, he needed to do whatever he did more and I needed to stop being so dependent on him. I think that I could maybe get to know Kalila better if I had to.
Not that it was a bad thing to get to know her, just awkward on my part.
I knew how Liam and I were, and I knew everyone was different. I don't know what they would ask and I don't know if they would push me or respect my short or non-existent answers. I didn't know how they would take my flinching away or strangeness.
I was more afraid of how they would react to me than I cared to admit.
"Alright, it can go on the saddle for Connelly. Please don't get lost." She told me "You each have lunch for the both of you too. Come back after everyone has eaten so we can do some dishes." I grabbed the basket from her
"Got it Auntie. See you soon." I hugged her and Kalila and I walked out to the barn
"So you know how to get to them?" she asked
"Yeah. I'll be fine." I assured her.
"Good. I'll see you at dinner." She said and I stopped her
"Kalila, do you want to go shopping?" I blurted out before I could change my mind. She stopped as she was saddling her horse and I did the same. We don't exactly talk and we don't exactly get along, but we don't not get along.
I didn't know how she would react and I just hoped that she took it well.
"Sure, that would be fun." She smiled and I smiled back feeling a bit better.
"Alright, we can talk about it more when we get back."
"Be safe." She finished saddling her horse and she left as I finished on Connelly and I was headed off to the boys as well.
Since I've spent more time with him and been talking to him, Connelly has mellowed out a lot, not enough for people to touch or ride him, but they can get closer to him and if I'm around they can touch him.
It may not seem like a lot of progress but like me, it was baby steps. I was his Liam, I was the one he opened up to and trusted, everyone else would have to come slowly.