He was actually sweating and he never sweated girls. You guys had already had sex twice, he shouldn't be so nervous when you knew practically everything about him already. Or at least seen everything. But still his heart skipped beats. He rolled his eyes at himself and gave himself a small pep talk before trying to knock.
"You got this." He mumbled, "You've done this before. She's just a girl. Normal girl.." he placed his head on the wall opposite of the hallway, "A really pretty, kind, funny, powerful woman- I-I can't do this." Dean began walking away then stopped himself, "Yeah you can, pfbt. You already know she's attracted to you. You can take care of someone who's in pain. Sam's in pain all the time, and you've been takin' care of him forever."
He stared at the door, realizing he couldn't move his wrist to actually knock, "I fight monsters for a living." He reminded himself. He literally fought off a Tulpa when he met you. Why did you make him so much more anxious?
Then he did it, he knocked. He actually knocked. He waited there a moment until you could get out of bed to open the door ever so slightly enough just to pop your head out.
"Dean?" You looked at the clock, it was only 10 even though it felt much later. His eyes lit up, and his pupils dilated when he saw you. You were in your comfy pjs, with your hair falling all over your face but still he just loved to see you.
"Hi." He managed to get out, "Mind if I come in?"
You were still a little peeved after his comment earlier about how you, quote: Oh, well, we- we aren't- we haven't- you know- um, end quote. But you also couldn't blame him, that talk hasn't happened. You hadn't even gone a date which was normal for people. But neither of you were exactly normal.
"Sure, sure." You nodded, getting out of a trance of looking at him, a habit that needed to be broken. You opened the door up to him and closed it after he passed inside.
"How are you doin'?" He asked, standing next to the bed.
"I'm fine. I should be asking you that, I mean, with the book gone and everything." You said going back to stand across from him, leaning on your desk.
"We'll find another way. We always do." Dean rubbed his arm, and stepped a bit closer to you.
"It's nice to hear your optimism. Not a normal trait of Dean Winchester." You teased.
"Yeah, well. I figure, life's gunna go down the toilet whether I'm happy or not. Might as well try to hold onto the good things while I can." He told you, uncomfortably standing in the middle of the room.
"I like that." You sat on the bed, looking for a more comfortable way to casually talk to him, "So, was there a reason for your late night visit?"
"Not really." Dean shrugged, then corrected himself, "I mean, I wanted to talk to you."
"About what?" You asked.
"You." Dean said, sitting next to you, "I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm alright, are you okay?" You asked, this was really out of character for him.
"I am." He got embarassed, "Yeah, of course. I just-uh- wanted to let you know that if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you. About anything, anything at all."
"Thanks Dean. Same to you." You said, your voice making it come out more as a question as he only further confused you. Dean didn't know how to bring it up.
"It's just, it must be hard. To know what happened to your fiancé, I can't even imagine." He took a shot. You swallowed hard.
"Yeah." You said, just the mention of that hurt you. But you understood now why he came and it meant a lot. He didn't say anything for a little bit, he just let you ponder what to say. He sat quietly next to you, waiting to see if you'd say anything at all.
"It's been 3 years, almost 4, since he died. Something like that... seeing what I saw... it's a pain that never really goes away. But it get's easier to deal with and that Cupid-" your voice cracked, you had to compose yourself again with a cough before continuing, "He knew what I am. He said he saw what I was and decided to mess with my life. He set my 'real soulmate' with someone else and killed Duke. Because of me."
"Hey, hey. This is not your fault. You didn't ask to be the way you are." Dean started to comfort you but couldn't help but focus on this "real soulmate."
"Dean, if I had just stayed home with my Mom like she told me to. If I didn't get involved with Duke, he'd still be alive." You told him, clenching your jaw and keeping your eyes down.
"But if you did that then you wouldn't be here. With me," Dean said, grabbing your arm in comfort, "And Sam, and Cass and Charlie." He said to make it less pressure.
"You know," you started, smiling a little and grabbing onto Dean's hand as if you struggled to keep balance. But you still didn't look directly at him, "one time I remember coming home. And Duke was already there since he didn't really have a job yet. We had just moved in together, and we couldn't really afford any furniture so he was sitting next to the heater because it was freezing. You know, Minnesota in the winter and all. And I remember he looked at me so excited that I had come home, like he was so glad to not be alone anymore. And it was funny because that's almost exactly what he did for me. I mean he was my first everything, first guy to like me, first kiss, first date, first boyfriend, first... you know. And him killing himself was so difficult, because I was alone again. Before it was always just my mom and I, I didn't have a lot of friends and then I met Duke and he was all I had. Then I went to the funeral where everyone looked at me as if I'd just killed him myself. Looking back it's almost like everyone knew what really happened. And to live through the last 4 years thinking that I drove someone that I cared about so much to do something like that that guilt was on me... it was more than just murder. That Cupid not only took my fiancé but 4 years of my life."
"Hey, you didn't kill him, that cupid did. And he's long gone now." Dean put his arm around you. In need, you nuzzled your face into his chest, gripping onto his shirt.
"I always wanted to know what happened, and now that I know-" You started, pulsing your grip on Dean's shirt. Slowly letting go then tightening again.
"You wish you didn't." Dean finished your sentence, "That's thing about revenge. It's great for two minutes tops, but it doesn't bring them back." He told you rubbing your arm.
"I know." You sighed, "But Duke just wasn't meant for me, not really. That's okay." You looked up at Dean thinking about what the cupid said. He was supposed to set up you and Dean all those years ago. Man would that have saved you a lot of time.
"Hey," you backed away a bit, but Dean still held onto you, "Did you ever happen to date a girl named Cassie?"
"Cassie?" Dean raised his eyebrows, "Man, I haven't thought of Cassie in a long time. Yeah, I did maybe, God, 9 or 10 years ago? Why?"
"She was my friend. She used to talk about you a lot, I was always so mad I never met you but maybe we just weren't meant to yet. I was just curious." You said, and before he could question it further you pressed on, "Can you stay with me tonight?"
"Yeah... yeah, of course." Dean said. You hopped right to it, getting under the covers and Dean kind of uncomfortably followed suit. With all your clothes on this time you put your head on his chest. He debated asking about getting together or how you felt about him but seeing your head on his chest, all cuddled and warm. That was all he needed for now.
He tucked the covers comfortably around you then wrapped his arm around to secure you firmly onto him. You focused on the sound of his heartbeat until you fell asleep. Thinking of how Duke would want you to move on, be happy. You know he doesn't blame you, but you placed that guilt there anyways. Tonight was about learning how to move forward. You never got to tell anyone what you had just told Dean.
You were very thankful he was here.