Shawn woke up from another nightmare, sweating and panting for air. This has been happening since the incident. He was suffering another massive hangover from getting his ass drunk the night before. He stood up and stumbled to the bathroom. He slowly looked at the mirror to see himself with red, puffy, and bloodshot eyes; messed up hair that was sticking out in all directions; and dark circles under his eyes. He barely even recognized the man staring back at him. He hasn't been sober for days. He took a quick bath and got changed as fast as he could. He drove to the one place he could see her. He went to the flower shop before going to his destination.
He sat there in the middle of the field, staring at the grass in front of him with a ruby red rose in his hands. He felt the pain rushing through him. The memories that would haunt him forever were coming back. He looked around just to find his one true love, y/n, who happens to be his best friend, walking towards him, wearing her usual clothes; denim shorts, red long-sleeved shirt, gray converse, black studded choker bracelet, chain necklace with a skull on it, and a lip ring. He held the rose in his hands as she took a seat beside him. He smiled at her and gave her the flower. She took it and looked at it sadly but still plastered a smile. They sat there for a while until she finally spoke up.
"Wanna get out of here?" Y/N asked.
"And go where?" Shawn replied.
"We could go around town. Maybe go to a party."
"Sure."
He stood up and offered her a hand. She took it and stood up with his help. They got in the car and drove to a party their friends were said to be going to. They spent the night together, sitting by the bar and getting wasted while the rest were dancing around them, also getting drunk, leading each other into separate bedrooms, probably to hook up. Y/n started to feel tired so Shawn drove her home. Once they got to her house, they just stayed outside, sitting on the bench.
"Thanks for everything Shawn. I had a great time." She said, smiling at him.
"No problem." He said holding her hand.
She looked at their hands; fingers intertwined together, heat radiating from both of them; making her blush. Her eyes shifted to the floor and tears started forming in her eyes. She held them back and looked at him sadly.
"What's wrong?" Shawn asked.
"It's nothing."
"I know you're lying, Y/n. Tell me, please?"
"I love hanging out with you and all. I really, really do but... you have to promise me you wouldn't fall in love with me."
"Why?"
"I... I don't believe in love and I don't want to get hurt."
"I will never hurt you. If I could be brutally honest, I like you. As in, like you, like you, more than just a friend. I know you've been hurt before by those other guys but I can promise you I will never do anything to break your heart."
"I like you too but-"
"I know. I know. But you have to trust me."
"I know. I still have a lot to learn."
After that, they said their goodbyes and he went home. Days past and going out seemed to be their routine. He was determined to call her bluff about never falling in love. A few days, he took her out for breakfast. She told him about her life that he didn't know about yet even though they're best friends but it seemed like she was hiding something from him. They spent almost the whole afternoon at the park. As he dropped her off, she looked at him and held his hand. She pulled him closer to him as he stood there in shock, with only a couple of inches between their faces.
"I... I love you." She whispered. "I love you, Shawn. I really do."
He, on the other hand, couldn't help but feel like a jar of butterflies was released inside his stomach. He felt like he was floating on air. He knew exactly what he felt for her. His heart started to beat faster than it ever did. Without thinking twice, he closed the gap between them and kissed her.
"I love you too, Y/n." He said pulling away.
She smiled and kissed him again. He pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist while she put hers around his neck, playing with his hair. After a while, they pulled away to catch their breath. He started kissing her all over her face as she giggled at him.
"I think I'm ready to give you a chance." She smiled.
"I won't let you down." He replied.
He went home and couldn't help but feel like a typical teenage girl when her crush asks her out or something. He has never felt this happy before. He felt like he could run several marathons. That started their relationship.
Years came by faster than they could ever notice. He was coming home from the mall after looking for a perfect ring to give to y/n. He was thinking of marrying her but he wanted to ask her at the perfect time especially because it's too soon for both of them. All of a sudden, he had this weird feeling, tugging in his gut that something wrong's going on with y/n. He rushed to her house and barged in. He searched everywhere for her but couldn't find a single trace of her. He could hear wincing from her bedroom and went in. He found y/n on the floor with a blade in her hands. Blood was running down from her wrist. He could hear his own heart shattering as she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
"Shawn, I can explain." She muttered.
He said nothing. He knelt down to her level and grabbed the blade from her. He laid it down on the table near him and helped y/n up. He led her to the bathroom and cleaned the blood from her cuts, wrapping a towel around it. They sat on her bed in silence with his arms holding on to her for dear life.
"Why?" He asked, finally breaking the silence. "Why would you cut yourself? Aren't you happy with your life?"
She said nothing. She just cried into his chest as they sat there. He kissed the top of her head, trying to comfort her. She was at loss for words to explain herself. He knew she didn't want to talk about it but he wanted to know why she would ever do that to herself. For him, she's the most perfect girl you'll ever meet and anyone who earns her heart is one lucky motherfucker.
"Tell me, y/n. What's wrong? I promise I could help you." He pleaded.
"I didn't want to tell you... I didn't want to tell you that I was suicidal. I hate my life. This is why I didn't want to fall in love with you. I don't want to hurt you." She cried even more.
"Why?"
She told him about her past; about being bullied when she was little when he's not around to protect her; about being made fun of by everyone; about her parents pressuring her to do well in school; about being compared to her relatives.
"I had no idea." He said, teary eyed as y/n finished telling him the truth.
"No one knows about it. I never told anyone about it until now." She muttered to herself.
"I understand why you did it but why did you keep quiet about this? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you wouldn't understand. I thought that maybe you would look at me as a freak. I didn't think you would care. I was afraid that you would leave me once you find out."
"y/n, I love you. Why would you think I wouldn't understand?"
"Like I said, I was afraid. Besides, no one really does. Most people in this society think that being suicidal is to gain attention for once. They don't really know that it's because most people who cut have no idea how to mask the pain they're feeling so they cut to make it feel numb."
He could feel his heart melt for her. He held her as close as possible and let her cry her eyes out. He grabbed her arm gently and looked at the deep cuts on the surface. Tears slipped from his eyes and he kissed the cuts on her wrist as softly as he could. He wanted a perfect time to ask her to marry him but he decided that maybe she's too depressed.
He stayed with her for the whole night. He had to take care of her. It was his mission. Or at least that was what he told himself. He just needed to help her through it. He had to do everything that's possible just to make her feel wanted. That's all he wanted to do in order to help.
Days passed after the incident and he thought everything would be back to normal or at least, better once they got everything off their chests, but it hasn't. It was worse. She would be distant and quiet most of the time. Whenever he asked her what was wrong, she just looked at him with a sad smile and said "Nothing." He knew it wouldn't change. They finally decided to throw the blade away to make sure y/n wouldn't cut ever again. Shawn drove her to a cliff with the blade in her hand. Once they got there, she stood there with her hand reaching out over the tip, the blade between her fingers.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked her.
She reluctantly nodded and turned to him. "It's for the best, right?"
"I know but are you sure you're emotionally ready?"
"I wouldn't know until it's done. I have to let go of this part of me."
He walked over to her and held her free hand in his. Their fingers intertwined; Shawn squeezing it to show her it's okay; and y/n shutting her eyes closed as she stood there. She was nervous about it. She didn't know how to let go of a piece of her. But she knew she had to do it for him. Her heart ached to the sight of him heartbroken when he saw the blood running down her arms and thighs.
"Promise me you'll always be here for me? Just to help me get through my problems and to make me feel I'm not alone?" She asked him.
"I promise. I'm never leaving your side." He said kissing her quickly.
With that, she kissed the blade goodbye and threw it out. They watched the tiny blade disappear into the void. After it was completely out of sight, they left. They were finally happy with things the way it is... Or at least that's what Shawn thought.
Months have passed and Shawn went on tour. He hasn't seen y/n in those months. They stayed in-touch but it wasn't the same. Not for her. Not for him. But they had to keep on doing it especially since they're far away from each other.
Shawn loves his career, fans, and band but most of all, y/n, but he didn't want to give up his dream. Y/n understood this, of course, but didn't really like the fact that they're a thousand miles apart. He knew how she felt so he tried to do everything that's possible to still be with her and make sure that he would keep his promise to her... Even though he hasn't proposed to her yet.
What he didn't know was that y/n is even more depressed that she has ever been. She was going insane. She's been having hallucinations. She even saw herself jumping off a cliff. Sometimes, she sees herself hanging on the tree outside her house with a rope around her neck. She didn't tell Shawn about them since she didn't want him to worry. But she didn't know he's freaking out, especially after she stopped talking to him for almost a week.
Shawn finally got back from tour and made his way to her. He was extremely excited to see her after those days of worry. He had to make sure that she was alright. He drove to conclusions that she night have started cutting again when she stopped going online, calling back, answering the phone, and replying to all his texts. He didn't want anything bad to happen to her. He truly loved her and he was thinking that now would be the time to ask for her hand in marriage.
Once he got to her house, something just didn't feel right. It's been a long time since he felt that right and the last time he felt this way was when... When y/n tried to end her own life. He barged into the house and went to y/n's room just to find her corpse holding on to pills and alcohol. He fell to his knees and held her hand. Tears started streaming out of his eyes as he stared at her body in disbelief. Blood was still running from her wrist, forming a puddle on where he's at. The pill containers were empty and so were the bottles of gin, rum, whisky, and vodka.
"NOOO!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.
He started crying and pulled her body to him. He started cradling it in his arms and pulling her closer than ever, letting the coldness of her pale self embrace him. He kissed her dead lips and brushed her hair. He pulled the ring out of his pocket and slipped it into her finger. He kissed her for the last time and put her down.
"This can't be happening. This isn't real! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!"
He found a letter in her pocket and it read:
Dear Shawn,
By the time you read this I might already be gone. I'm sorry. I couldn't take it. I hated being away from you and everything seemed like it was going to attack me. I didn't tell you this but I've been having visions of myself, hanging on a tree branch with a rope around my neck or jumping off a cliff or sometimes even shooting myself in the head. I'm really really sorry but I couldn't take it anymore. It was eating me alive and I felt like I was going insane. Just remember that I love you, okay? I'm not going back. You know that since I've done something so terrible. I'm terrified to speak but you'll expect that from me. I messed up. I tried to drown myself to keep you out of my mind but it didn't work. Alcohol and pills were the only ones that would help drown me instead of literally drowning myself. I'm keeping an eye on the world. I'm so many thousands of feet off the ground. I'm over you know, I'm at home at the clouds. I'm now towering over your head. I'm going to watch over you, I promise. I love you. Don't you ever forget that.
~y/n
"I love you too." He whispered.
That day seemed like it was never going to end. The pain of losing her took over him. He couldn't stop crying and the only thing that could numb the pain was drinking. The alcohol helped him feel better but only for a temporary time. It seemed like the weather agreed with his mood once it started to rain. He just went home right away. He had no idea what else to do.
He snapped out of the flashback and stared at y/n's grave. Tears slipped from his eyes but wiped it away. He put the rose down on her tomb and kissed the lettering on her name. He grabbed the blade from his pocket and put it near his throat.
"I love you. I'll see you soon." He muttered right before he slit his throat and fell dead on top of her grave with a huge puddle of blood coming out of the deep cut.
He didn't know what he did but he just wanted to be finally with her. And not just the privilege of getting to be her lover but actually be with her in spirit. The last thing he saw was the now blood covered silver paint that spells out her name and how long she lived. Then he blacked out.
He was later on found by civilians visiting their diseased relatives. The sight of the blood pooling around his head and his eyes still open but rolled to the back of his head caught the alertness of the people. They called an ambulance for him but there is no chance of him being alive again. He can never be revived. The police found the blade at the scene with a piece of paper folded neatly and laid on the marble of y/n's grave. They opened it to see a handwritten letter from Shawn that read:
At last, I could finally be with the one I love, y/n. This is the only way I could be with her sooner. I do not know what life is without her. She is my heart, she is my soul. Without her, my life will be a dark abyss. When she died, a hole was left in the place where my heart should be. I wanted to do this. Do not mourn over my death for this is my choice. Just remember that thinking of her is like remembering Sunday. You know all the burden will be lifted of your shoulders because the week is finally over.
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A/N: This is originally a short story I posted on my first account, @bannasaratops. I was 13 when I wrote this which explains why it's cringey af. Hehe sorry for not updating a while. Writer's block + school 😖 BTW thanks for 62+K reads!!
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