Camila's POV
"Mila, are you alright?" Honestly, the question is the only thing that I've always heard recently. The past few weeks I've committed myself to helping Austin recover. I've been staying in the hospital almost all day and all night. "You look so tired."
"I know I'm such a mess." I admitted. "I don't know if I'm capable to feel so much anymore."
Dinah Jane sighs and looks at me in pity. I don't blame her though. My life has been a roller coaster of events and emotions in just some time and I certainly have no idea what is to happen next. "How's Austin?"
Upon hearing his name, suddenly there's a lot of emotions invading me inside. I remember our friendship over the course of years and how he helped me to keep on existing every day. I remember how he made me laugh and how we went on trips and ate various food in every city we went to. I remember those good times. Dinah, Austin and I are like a trio. We've been together in ups and downs. Knowing that Austin tried to kill himself because of his feelings for me is something that's beyond my control.
But her mother pleaded and she believes that I can do something. It's true though. It's true that I can do something. I can be with Austin but I'll be hurting someone on the process. Someone that I truly love and someone that I'm completely indebted to live with forever.
"He's doing better I guess." I simply answered her question. "He starts smiling now and he consumes his food. He's recovering."
My best friend touched my arm and that's when I lost it. I let myself fall apart when I embraced her into a hug. "Most importantly, how are you?" Dinah holds me closer to keep my fragility intact.
"I don't know. Is there always an answer to that question?" I told her.
Dinah smiles to reassure me that it will be okay. Things get okay but suddenly they aren't anymore. "I know what you're thinking right now. But it will be okay and it won't be bad anymore."
"Mila!" I searched for the owner of the voice and Ally's presence appeared from the back. She's with Normani and they're both smiling at me. They walked towards me and Dinah released herself from the hug. "Damn, we sure missed you so much!" Normani exclaimed.
"We're here to see you and visit Austin too." Ally informed us. "Also, we'd like to know why we couldn't contact Lauren for weeks now? Anything happened?" Normani's eyes quirk up as if too curious to know why.
I averted my gaze to Dinah seemingly looking for help.
She shrugged the question off and guided the other two girls inside Austin's room.
I didn't cry.
Now I know, I've been weak for too long.
"Mija, I thought you're with Lauren. Where is she?" I came home in hopes that Lauren and I would finally live in. Together, being engaged, officially informing my relatives about it. But just like how life always was, it ruined that for the both of us. I weakly sat on the nearest sofa and Sinu noticed it. My mother noticed it as she walked towards me. "Mija, there are things in the world that you have to fight for and you have to let go."
There are things but sometimes you just don't have to know anymore. "Austin's mother begged me to stay with him. He told them they loved me...." I confessed. "I love him too b-but... I am in love with Lauren."
Sinu nodded in agreement. She already knew these things I've been hiding with me. Clearly, she's one of the people I needed to talk to in times like this. "We're engaged too."
Sinu gasped in shock as if she wasn't expecting for it to happen. She was silent in a short time until it all sunk in her head. She flashed me a questioning look. I stared at her waiting for her to respond.
Mama Sinu held my hand. "I'm happy for you have found the love you deserve, mija." I smiled while she said those things I've been dreading to hear. "I'm so proud of you. It will take time but it will happen. Who proposed?" I laughed at her question.
I lifted my hand for her to see the ring and her eyes flashed brighter than it's ever been. "It's beautiful, mija. Lauren chose really well."
"She proposed. I didn't expect it to be honest. After all these things that happened between us, I never thought she would still want to be with me, let alone marry me." I smiled at the thought, remembering her proposal.
"Well that's it. When will it be?" My mother seemed to be really eager to know more information about it. "I just want the best wedding for the both of you and if I can help, I surely will."
I frowned when I realized that how can someone get married when her other half is gone? "Soon, mama. Soon." Sinu just smiled probably realizing what's inside my head. "It will be the best wedding."
How can I say this without breaking?
How can I say this without taking over?
How can I put it down into words when it's almost too much for my soul alone?
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell
Yeah it hurts like hell
I don't want them to know the secrets
I don't want them to know the way I loved you
I don't think they'd understand it, no
I don't think they would accept me, no
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell
Yeah it hurts like hell
I looked at the old photos that Lauren and I took together. Some of them were framed, some were printed and some were just kept in the gallery in my phone. She's not my secret but somehow I only want her for me. There were these photos that I took when she was sleeping and she was staring at something so curiously. I admired the way her eyes changed colors and I knew then that my favorite color of her eyes was when she was watching me as I watched the stars.
I didn't know what it was. I just knew that it was indeed beautiful.
Every day since the day I asked her to wait for me and she agreed. She sent me letters. I was curious as to how each letter, there was something written on the back, 'Letters That Were Never Sent' and I thought she was messing with me. I had a fight with myself either I write back or do not. I chose not to but I kept on rereading each letter she sent me for the last weeks.
Dreams fight with machines
Inside my head like adversaries
Come wrestle me free
Clean from the war
Your heart fits like a key
Into the lock on the wall
I turn it over, I turn it over
But I can't escape
I turn it over, I turn it over
Hazel,
I think I just lost half of me.
It's been awful years but I don't hate you for it.
I blame myself. I don't think I can ever forgive myself but if you wish, I will.
I miss your voice.
L.
Hazel,
I am outside, in the middle of the night, watching the stars.
I've been waiting for a wishing star to arrive.
I have a lot of wishes in my life right now.
I miss watching the stars with you.
L.
Hazel,
I saw you today but you were looking the other way.
I wonder when you'll finally lay your eyes on me.
Because all this time, you're still all I ever see.
Damn did it rhyme. I miss your poems.
L.
I laughed at this particular letter. I realized these were the letters that she's been writing in those three years that we have been apart. Such a long time, yet she still took her time to write these things.
Hazel,
It's raining outside. I feel cold. You used to cuddle with me.
I miss your warmth.
L.
Hazel,
I saw a girl and she has these brown eyes. But they're not as brown as yours.
I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy but yours are better.
They make me feel alive. I miss your eyes.
L.
I wanted to pinch her cheeks right there.
Hazel,
I miss you.
L.
I miss you too. I whispered to the thin air. I looked outside the window and wondered if Lauren was doing the same. I was visualizing her state in my head and I hope she was smiling at the thought that I was missing her. Don't be sad, Lauren.
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell
Yeah it hurts like hell
I turned off the music playing in my phone and closed my eyes.
***
7 months later
"Here, I specially made these pancakes for you to eat." I tell to Austin and she's staring intently at me. As I unpack the bag that I brought with me. I stare at him confused.
Austin's mother Michele looks at me as she enters his room. "Good you're here Camila. I have to go to the office and I hope you accompany Austin until I get back?"
I nodded my head and she smiled in gratitude. "Thank you. See you later." She then disappears from the door.
I noticed Austin's intent stare. "What?"
He smiles. "Nothing. I just like that you're here." He says meaningfully. "You look tired. Have you been sleeping? You don't have to come here every day and stay every night." He scolds but something in his voice tells me that something is wrong.
Definitely, this isn't the same way as before.
I shrugged his tantrums off. "You know what? Let's just eat these. I'm getting better at making pancakes. I'd feel so bad if this just goes to waste." He keeps on staring at me as take a bite first. "Yummm. Tastes so good! Here c'mon try it."
He opened his mouth like an obedient child and the level of his stare stopped when he noticed the ring around my finger. I took my hand away for him to not see it anymore and placed the plate of pancakes on top of the table beside his bed. He coughed and I handed him a glass of water using my other hand.
"Are you okay?" I ask him in worry.
He looks up. "Are you?" I furrow my eyebrows. "Tell me, Camila. Are you okay?"
"W-what? N...no I don't..." I ramble and he holds my once trembling hand.
"I know. I'm sorry too. Fuck, I've been so selfish." He curses and admits to me, even to himself as it seems. "I'm sorry that I took you away from Lauren. I know. Every day and night you come here, I know you miss her. You're not happy here. You should be with her. I j-just... I just thought you could learn to love me." I stare at him in utter shock.
Austin looks back at me in sadness but he's fighting it. "It would be so awful of me to see you every day, to be with you every day, to watch you sleep every night but your heart is long gone with somebody else." He smiles as if his heart just broke. "I'm not stopping you anymore. I won't hold you back. You have to be with her. It's about time for you to chase your happiness. I'm really sorry."
I immediately hugged him and he slowly lifts his hands up to hug me back. "I'm sorry, Austin."
"Don't be sorry. I'm grateful you stayed. You're a really good friend, Camila. It's not your fault that I love you." He, right again, confesses with all his heart. "It's my fault I let it control me. Will you just answer one last question for me?"
I nodded my head. "Are you engaged?"
Once again, I nodded my head and he smiled. "That's good. I love you?"
"I love you too." I whisper to him, smiling. "We'll see each other soon?"
I escaped from the hug and shared a genuine smile with him. "Definitely. In your wedding." Our smiles broke into a grin.
I dialed Dinah's number for her to help me locate Lauren. I remember the last words she told me after she drove her car and left me right there in the street, alone with my thoughts. "I will write you a letter and in that letter is the place we'll meet each other again. I'll be seeing you. I still have my wishes and they won't come true without you." Dinah answered the phone call in just minutes.
"Dinah, did you find the address I sent you a while ago?" Dinah sighed in response. "No kidding. Please?"
"Calm your tits!" Dinah exclaims and I don't bulge. "I did find it. What's this hideous place by the way?"
I huff in annoyance. "It's not hideous if that's the place where you will find love." I tell her meaningfully and I can sense her gasping through the phone call. "If you're curious, then yes, Lauren is there waiting for me."
"After all these years, she's still waiting?" Dinah inquires in surprise. "I already sent you the text on the address. Damn it mija! What are you waiting for?!" My best friend exclaims as if she's the one who's been waiting.
"Thank you! Thank you so much Dinah Jane! I owe you my life for this." I tell her in much gratitude.
I can sense widely grinning through the phone call. "I recorded that just in case." And just like, I hung up the phone call.
Me:
Mama, I'll be seeing Lauren soon. I know I believe in you.
Sinu Cabello:
Mija, you've always deserved genuine happiness. I will never stop you from chasing it. I just hope you take care and whatever happens, tell me! I love you and when you already find Lauren, tell her I miss her too. Do not be married without us knowing. Okay?
Me:
(sent to Ally and Normani)
I just want to tell you guys that I'll be seeing Lauren soon.
Allz:
Oh God! Please tell her that we miss her a lot! Please tell her that we hate her for leaving and not informing us. But honestly no we don't hate her. We just miss her and we hope she comes back. And take care, Mila! Always do!
Mani:
OH MY GOOOOD!!!
Tell Lauren I'm going to hunt her down!
Take care Mila! I love you both<3
When I was about to place my phone inside my bag, it vibrated. I've already informed the people who needed to be informed. Who may have I texted her?
From Austin:
Camila, you may have already traveled your way to see her. I only wish the best things for you both. I know I already said sorry but I don't think I've apologized enough. Again, I'm sorry that it took you long to chase your happiness.
Don't forget to send me a letter of invite to your wedding. I will miss you. Take care, always!
I smiled upon finishing on reading the text.
Things are already okay and I cannot think of something life can do to ruin it again for me.
I'm only sure that it can't anymore. From now on, I only have the full control of my life.
I carried a bag full of her letters with me. When other people remember the old memories they've been with those people they would come to whenever they travel, I, on the other hand, would reread each letter again. Until I reach my destination, until I see her again and until I'm back in her arms. I click on my car radio and Skinny Love is being played but it isn't the original version, instead it's a version of Ed Sheeran.
I don't know but I do not agree with people that Skinny Love is a song about those people who love each other too much that they're too shy to admit.
And I told you to be patient,
And I told you to be fine,
And I told you to be balanced,
And I told you to be kind,
And in the morning I'll be with you,
But it will be a different kind,
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets,
And you'll be owning all the fines.
It doesn't seem the way it is to me. I feel like Skinny Love is for those people who have loved each other so much that they have to let go each other. Not because they don't love each other anymore, but because the more they love each other, the more they get hurt in the process.
Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassieres,
My my my, my my my, my-my-my my-my,
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split.
And I told you to be patient,
And I told you to be fine,
And I told you to be balanced,
And I told you to be kind,
And now all your love is wasted,
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches,
And at the end of all your lines.
As I listen to the song, an image of Lauren writing the letters for me appears in my head. The traffic light is red and I'm stuck wondering what she could be doing right now. Sure, our love got skinny, but no, it won't be anymore.
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
And who will fall far behind?
I will. I'll be coming. I'm sure you're already tired waiting, my love.
In a matter of hours, I've already reached my destination. Dinah was definitely wrong. This place isn't hideous, in fact, it's refreshing to stay at. The trees, the houses that look so peaceful and people look at you and smile. I took out my camera and took a few shots of the people and the houses with their gardens. I also took a picture of the kid who was running to chase his balloon.
And I thought; that balloon was Lauren and I was the kid.
The kid grabbed a hold of his balloon. When will I?
I satisfied myself from looking around and watching people pass by and connect with other people. This is a place where people like me would love to live in forever. This is perfect when I read books, even when I write stories. I reached for my phone inside my pocket and realized I placed it in my bag.
I reread once again the address Dinah sent me.
I got back inside my car after I asked a lady where it was located. I had to drive only a few minutes and I smiled in thoughts that Lauren is just few minutes away. I'd be able to touch her again and it won't end.
The house I stopped at isn't as big as Dinah would've told me. The house is white. It has a perfectly rectangle- shaped door like, seemingly messed playfully with various paint, with a shiny white brass knob in the side. This is really Lauren. Just what I imagined the house she would like to have. Lauren liked paintings as much as she liked painting. She likes to discover the world using colors and beyond the colors, she would come up with a whole new one.
I walked towards the door after I parked my car in front. I, as I breathed for air, knocked on the door.
A girl, not so unfamiliar, is revealed in front of my eyes. I cannot seem to form coherent sentences in my head as to why this isn't Lauren who's in front of me.
"May I help you?" Black hair, fit body, round-shaped eyes, chubby cheeks. I note them inside my head. I blinked my eyes rapidly gaining my focus to what's in front of me. "Please come in first."
The door opened: a very comfortable place that smelled like daisies, with paneled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots papers and paintings inside.
I stopped in my place. "Uhhh... I'm s-sorry. I was sent this address." If only I could punch Dinah in the face, I already would have. She just sent me a wrong address. "I'm not sure if... I'm l-looking for..."
"Lucy, will you get the paint for me?" Another figure appears from the room inside the house. This time, I didn't want to punch Dinah anymore, I wanted to punch myself, to check once more if this is me in reality and not in my dream. I stared at her for such a long time that it seemed we're only the two people left. "C...camila?" She uttered and her voice almost broke. I recognized that voice and I definitely could smell her scent that's been stuck somewhere in me. The other girl watched us in silence.
I averted my focus on the other girl. Lucy? Thoughts once again rummaged inside my head.
A/N: I was thinking of ending the story. But then I couldn't. I mean, damn it, why can't I? But yeah this is just some lame ass dilemma of mine every time I write. Thank you so much for reading. Right again, have a great day lovelies!