Camila's POV
"Something is wrong Dinah. I know that something's wrong with Camila. Do you know what is it?" Austin says rather loudly. He is in my house; patiently talking to Dinah while I'm stuck being alone in my room.
"Can you just tone down your voice a little? She can hear you and it's not good." Dinah tells him as she calms him down I suppose. "I don't know what's wrong with her. Let's just give her some time." The Polynesian girl says after.
"But Dinah-."
Dinah Jane cut him off. "No buts, Austin. We both know Camila." She counters. I can hear their entire conversation but my mind is off to something else.
I don't really mind if they're talking about me. The thing is I saw Lauren. I saw her again after three years and she stared at me as if she's waited for me for so long. It hurt me inside. It broke me. It made me feel something different. It was all too familiar.
She left my life three years ago but it's as if she never really left because I can still feel her everywhere.
"Mama I'm excited for my new little sister! Tell Richard he's dead if he ever leaves you." Mama Sinu was pregnant with a baby girl and Richard was the father; the guy she told me about when she visited me in the school. I met Richard and honestly he looked kind, responsible and decent. When I met him and got to talk to him, I instantly liked him because I could see that he really loved my mother.
I kneeled down to my mother and tried to listen to the sound of the baby inside her. I touched it and I could feel it. I could feel the life of someone that's going to be my sister. I was truly in awe.
"Mija, I'm glad you are." She told me; her voice broke in the end. She must be thinking about Papa, how he must've felt and how he must've looked at her right now. "You know..."
"Papa is happy for you. We're all happy for you, mama." I interrupted her and she asked for a hug and I willingly enveloped her around my arms. "I love you mama and we will love our new sister as much as we love each other." I can feel her smiling from the hug.
The telephone suddenly rang and I almost rushed to reach the telephone and answer it when my phone fell to the floor. I caught it in my hand when I noticed that it was already broken. My wallpaper which was Lauren and Sofia looked like their faces were a mirror and it got broken into pieces too. Suddenly, my heart ached and I slowly reached for the telephone to answer it.
Mama Sinu went to the kitchen.
My hand was trembling when I answered the phone call. The other part of head was whispering to me that this all seemed too familiar. Déjà vu. "H-hello?" I spoke through the phone call.
"Hello. Is this the Cabello household?" The owner of the voice which was a girl I presumed, spoke almost hurriedly.
I sighed before responding. "Yes this is Camila Cabello."
"I'm afraid that Ms. Lauren Jauregui along with a child was with her and they got into a car accident." The speaker from the other side of the phone call said too calmly that I wanted to strangle her. I was speechless that I didn't know minutes may have passed. I was stunned and suddenly a tear escaped my right eye. "Ms. Camila Cabello, are you still there?"
"Y-yes. I... I'm j-just..." I stuttered.
"I know this is a really bad news, but you have to come to the hospital they got in right now." The speaker informed and sent me the address as I tore a piece of paper and a pen in hand, I wrote it even though every word I wrote, my heart broke. "I'm sorry Ms. Camila Cab-." I hung up the phone call rudely.
I cried as I folded the paper and kept it inside my pocket.
My mother came barging in from the kitchen. "Mija... what is wrong?" She asked and my mouth couldn't form the words to answer her question. I curled into a ball in the corner. Mama Sinu walked towards me. "Camila... tell me what is wrong!" She was beginning to be impatient and I had to tell her.
She deserved to know the truth. "Lauren and Sofia... T-they... th- they... got into an.. a-accident..." My voice automatically broke in the end and I wiped the tears coming out from my eyes.
My mother was stunned as she stood from the ground. "Go to the hospital." I held her hand and wanted to hug her before I go and check the condition of Lauren and Sofia. She turned away. "Just go. Now!" Tears still came and I rushed out to the door to go to the hospital they got in.
As I drove I tried to be as calm as possible. I remembered my father; how he got in the same accident and how the accident stole his life that he would've spent with his family, with us. I kept on crying as I drove as my eyes got blurry I had to stop for some time while the traffic light went red. I silently prayed that hopefully both of them were okay. I couldn't think of any possibility that they were in critical condition or that if someone just died.
But I had to expect the worst. Even though I did, it didn't make the pain less.
I reached my destination as I parked the car and wiped my tears once again as I checked myself in the side mirror. I got out of the car and looked for them. "Lauren Jauregui and Sofia Cabello?" I inquired to the hospital's attendant.
"And you are?" She asked respectfully.
"Girlfriend and sister." The attendant stared at me. It hurt even if I just said it. I wanted to ask: are they still alive? Please tell me that they still are. But instead she informed me their rooms and I was more worried than before.
I didn't mind whether I already looked such mess and there were already tears forming in my eyes, I just had to see them. I needed to know if they were okay and if they were still both alive.
Suddenly, I saw a sight of Lauren being sat on one of the benches outside the emergency room. She was covering her whole face with her bare hands almost as if she was drowning herself in tears. I rushed towards her even though my knees were shaking and my whole entirety was tensed.
"L-lauren." I called out here name just almost above the whisper. She looked up and I could see that her face was red and her eyes were filled with tears. She looked a big mess too. She stood up from her seat and embraced me into a hug.
The hug didn't seem like the kind of hugs you should feel warm and cozy with. The hug was the kind that was telling you that life messed with you again. "What happened?" I straight out asked her while her face was buried on the crook my neck and I couldn't hug her back because I was too weak.
"I'm s-sorry." Lauren told me all too sudden. What was she saying sorry for? "I'm fucking sorry Camz." She was hysterically crying and I remained stunned.
Something was telling me that I couldn't accept this.
The doctor came out of the emergency room and walked towards us. Lauren released herself from the hug and resumed on wiping her tears off her face.
The doctor removed his face mask. "Are you the relatives of Sofia Cabello?" The male doctor inquired and I nodded my head although I felt like I was just a robot.
"I'm sorry for your loss. Time of death..." I couldn't hear more of his words anymore as a tear escaped my eye once again. I was speechless and still standing. Lauren collapsed on her seat and covered her whole face with her bare hands once again. I furrowed my eyebrows.
I averted my gaze on Lauren.
I watched Lauren and I blinked a bunch of times and wiped the tears in a rush. "Tell me what happened." I told her and she just stared at me as if she was about to apologize again. "I demand you to tell me what happened. Tell me what the fuck happened!" I was screaming and Lauren was crying.
"I was driving the car... it... it w-was all o-okay... we even w-went to a-an ice... ice cream shop..." Lauren was sighing as she told the story. "She was r-really happy I b-b...bought her f-favorite flavor... damn it! She was d-drawing something at the b-backseat. I w-was just driving..." She kept on going and I couldn't look at her but I kept on listening. "Until her pens fell and s-she couldn't f-find it. I had to f-find it because s-she was d...d-drawing us. She was r-really happy she w-was drawing us." Lauren held my hand for support as she kept on crying. "I searched f-for the pens as I drove and it was traffic. I knew... I k-knew Camz the light w-was r...red. I f-found it and I g-gave it t...to h-her. The light t-turned green and the cars s...st-started moving and I drove and I don't k..know. I don't know an...anymore Camz. I w-was careful. I didn't w-want an...anything like t-this to h...hap-ppen." Lauren finished but she wasn't done crying.
I turned away from her and removed my hand from her grip.
I couldn't look at her. "I... I d-don't know what to think." I admitted. "It's not y-your fault. It's nobody's fault. B-but I can't l..look at y..you right n-now." I confessed. "I just c-can't."
Lauren walked her way towards me. "Camz I didn't want this to h...happen. You know I love Sofia as my sister too!" She argued but I was done and even to talk to her, I couldn't.
"Go." I simply demanded.
"Camz." She held my hand once again. "Camz I love you. I will f-forever blame myself f...for Sofia's d-de...death. But I c-can never forgive m...myself if you... y-you blame me t-too."
I harshly turned away from her touch. "Just go, Lauren." I told her.
She still didn't bulge and remained staring at me. "I love you. I love you so much." She kept on saying.
I covered my ears with my bare hands and closed my eyes as she cupped my face. She was saying something but it wasn't clear to my ears anymore. She didn't let go of me and I screamed.
"Just fucking go and get the hell out of my face!" Her hands slowly left my face and she was stunned. "Go and disappear from my life forever." I told her with all the strength that's left of me.
She faded like a missing shadow.
Suddenly it's quiet and Dinah and Austin aren't talking anymore. Probably they already left the house and decided that it's best to just leave me alone. At times like this, Dinah knows me well. She knows that I can't talk to anyone even her and that I completely shut myself off from the whole world outside.
I'm completely offering myself to silence and it always accepts me wholly.
I still remember everything vividly from being the cheerful sister to Sofia and from being the girl mourning every day to her sudden death. I'm still grieving because she's still here. I believe that she's still here and she watches my every move. I promised. I promised the day she died that I'll never be too late. I will do everything to keep Sofi safe.
"It's not Lauren's fault mija." My mother kept on telling me as I hid myself inside my room a week after Lauren completely left my life and a week after Sofia's death. "You know and everyone knows that it's not her fault." I was sat on my bed, curled myself into a ball, listening to music. I closed my eyes but I could hear my mother's words.
I felt every word. "You can't just keep yourself here forever and not face her." It stung like a brick falling on someone's head. "You love her and no one can change the fact that you love each other."
I stared at her pleading. "Why can't you just mourn like me? For Christ's sake Sofia died! She would've been still alive if I didn't ask Lauren to fetch her, if I was just the one to fetch her. She would've still been here. She would've still been drawing and listening to me playing the guitar. She would've still been here while we both wait for our new sister. She would've still been here. Oh God." I drowned myself in sea of tears as I held onto my mother. She tapped my back and kept on shushing me. "Sofia should've been still alive." I repeated the words in my head until it echoed by themselves.
Bunch of texts and grieving messages came to my phone. Most came from my circle of friends: Dinah, Normani and Ally.
Dinah: Mila! I found a bar last night. We should drink and you know drown ourselves in the alcohol and forget that we ever get hurt.
Fuck it. I miss Sofia. I miss you too.
Normani: Condolence Camila :( Sofia is the sweetest.
Ally: My deepest condolences to you and your family, Mila. I know it hurts a lot. She is with Him now.
I wiped the tears from my face and I realized that it had become a habit now. I've been crying for a week and it sure felt like hell but it's not a different thing.
"Mija, I'm grieving too but I've accepted it. You can accept it and grieve at the same time." My mother hugged me once again and I could feel her crying but she was hiding it. "I love you both so much. I miss Sofia."
"I miss Sofia so much mama." I confessed.
My mother stood up and walked her way towards the door. She looked back at me and I stared at her. "Will it make you feel better if I name the baby Sofi?" She asked and I realized what she was talking about.
I nodded my head. She smiled, so weak, it broke me again.
I stand up from the bed and I check myself in the mirror. Sure I look just the same way I looked a week after Sofia died and left us and the day our father was gone. I look the same and it feels even worse.
"Dinah you've got to tell me what's happening because I won't leave." I hear Austin's voice again. "Do you know how much it worries me right now? I don't know what happ-."
"She saw her!" Dinah interrupts her. "She fucking saw Lauren. Are you okay now?" Dinah remarks bitterly and that makes Austin to shut up.
I throw the bottles placed on my side table and the sound of its cracks echoes in my head. It feels real.
Suddenly, Dinah and Austin come barging in from outside without even knocking. They emerged right away and I feel sick to stomach I closed my eyes because I couldn't look at them staring at me in this state.
"Camila what happened here?" Austin asks in a rushed yet worried tone. I don't answer. I don't have to. Dinah carries half of my body for support as we're both sat on the floor.
"Mila you don't have to be like this. Not anymore. We're already past this." Dinah makes her remember once more. It clearly doesn't help. Sure she has recovered but it all comes back to her after seeing Lauren.
I try to stand up without Dinah nor Austin's help but fail miserably. "Camila stop!" Austin tells me as if she wants to scream at me and tells me to stop being such an idiot.
I didn't stop. Why do I have to? "Mila, stay right here I'll get you water." Austin holds me and I feel even dizzier.
"Why are you torturing yourself like this?" Austin asks almost above the whisper. "Stop torturing yourself like this. It's not worth it. She's not worth it anymore, Camila. I'm here. Dinah is here. We can help you. You got through this. What's stoppi-." I slap him straight in the cheek.
"You have no right to tell what to do. You can't tell me what's right or wrong." I tell him as he touches the part of his cheek my hand landed on. "You're not my boyfriend. You'll never be." I harshly counter.
Austin remains silent and staring at me. "I know you're not in g-good state right now."
"Leave." I demand him. He didn't move even an inch. "Leave me the fuck alone." Austin stares at somewhere else but still not moving an inch to leave. "Right. You're not leaving? I am." I tell him and I rush to get my keys and storm off the room and stairs to get straight to my car. Austin is stunned to even follow me. Dinah sees me and automatically places the glass of water on the table and calls out Austin.
I drive my car in silence. My mind is full of thoughts I didn't imagine to come back haunting me. I keep on driving with no destination and with no certain place to go. I just keep on driving until my eyes get blurry and I can't see where I'm going. I don't really know where I'm going but I know that I'm gone.
I keep on driving and stop abruptly when a car moves so fast before me. The traffic light is red.
"Are you trying to kill yourself lady?" The driver from the other car beside me screams I ignore it. I don't really want to see people right now.
My car leads me to the place where a piece of me is left in. I get out of the car and I'm standing at the cemetery; where Sofia is buried and where she's silently sleeping in. I slowly go to her grave. There really are different kinds of death. The one is where someone gets buried and the other one is where sometime in the future, you know, your name will be spoken for the last time.
"I could never forget your name, Sofia." I whisper to the thin air. I notice a bouquet of lilies placed on her grave. Who could be sending her flowers? My sister has a sweet secret admirer. I thought. I touch and feel her grave. "How are you my little sister? Feeling good there?" I talk to the grave as if I'm talking to her.
I cry. This seems to be an endless one. I can feel the silence so much it breaks my heart.
"One day, you will answer me, promise me that." I tell to the unmoving grave. "One day, I'll get to see you again and get us a proper goodbye to each other." I say in between sighs and cries. "One day, I'll move on but not forget you. I'll move on from all the hurting. Can you stop it for me, my little sister?" I beg but no answer and I cry even more.
I run away from her grave and get inside my car. I look at myself in the mirror and the mirror is different but I still look the same. I'm still a coward. My phone vibrates endlessly with new texts coming from Dinah, my mother and Austin. I ignored the calls and turned off my phone.
I wish for this day to be longer and so I'd get to be away from people a little bit longer. My feet lead me to the mini stop where I saw Lauren again after three years. It's all normal until she got to mess with my life again. Now it feels so much more complicated than it already was.
I hate myself for being like this again. I hate myself for being the same old weak girl who can't handle anything. I hate myself for falling in love with her and getting hurt in the end.
I sit on the bench outside the mini stop and just watch the people passing by. I watch an old couple being sweet to each other as they cross the road. I watch a lady rushing to cross the road while her phone is on her ear. I watch a family with a child almost aged like Sofia and I don't know if life is playing with me again that it really likes seeing me suffer.
"Camz." I didn't really have to look up to know the owner of the voice. "W-what are you doing here alone?" I closed my eyes and I could feel her sitting beside me. "I missed you. It's been three years." She says weakly.
I just kept on listening to her while my eyes are closed. "I've been to a lot of places. I did a lot of things. I tried to forget about you. But I didn't stop blaming myself and I still haven't forgiven myself." She admits and I can feel her sigh. "I miss her. I know you do too. It's been three years."
I slowly opened my eyes and a bright sky met my sight.
"How have you been?" Falling apart, worse, almost the same. I wanted to say.
I find the courage to meet her gaze. The familiar green eyes. "Good. I've been good."
"It's been three years." Lauren keeps on saying. "It's been three years and here you are again." She smiles but a tear escapes her eye. I almost wiped it with my trembling hand but she wiped it so easily and smiled right after.
I wanted to say it right back. "H-how have you been?" I ask her and her eyes seem to light up.
"I've been missing you." She responds, confessing. "It's been three years and this is the only day that I feel complete." She admits as she sighs. "Can I h...hug y-you?" Maybe because I wanted to feel the broken pieces being glued together again, I nodded my head weakly.
She slowly embraces my body into a warm and cozy hug.
"I still love you so much." She says in a low whisper as I feel her breath on the crook of my neck. I closed my eyes again because things aren't good when I see them, I'd rather feel them.
I felt the urge to hug her back. I hug her back and feel myself being at home; in her arms. "It's been three years, Camz."
"It's been three years, Laur." Things are indeed better when my eyes are closed.
A/N: I have class tomorrow and I have so many things to accomplish so I may not update for a week(?) I felt the urge to double update today and because most of you are confused with the whole situation. I don't want you to think about it some more and so here it is another update for today. I may or may not also update my other story: Love, Camren. I'm working on it right now and it's 6:30am here and I still haven't gotten any sleep.
But hey it's worth it, you're reading it.
Please don't give up on me. I promise I'll make you happy. I'm just the kind of writer who likes her stories always ending with cliffhangers or giving something for the readers to think about. It's just my thing.
My twitter: hedahoregui
(P.S.S The italicized words are from the flashback or from what happened 3 years ago.)
Right again, amazing day lovelies!