I didn’t really know what to say to that so we were quiet the rest of the ride. We got into Harry’s room and I sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at my hands.
“You’re not doing too well, are you?” Harry asked. He was leaning against the wall and staring at me sadly.
“Not really,” I shrugged.
He sighed heavily and sat next to me. He forced my head onto his shoulder and wrapped his arm around me.
“Bee, I know I keep saying this, but you just have to give Niall time. He’ll figure it out soon enough. Until then, have some fun. Show him your life doesn’t revolve around him. Do something crazy.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Something you couldn’t do when you were dating Niall.”
“Like what?” I repeated.
“Get creative! I can’t do all the work here.”
“I don’t want to go back to the dorms,” I frowned.
“Then stay here.”
“People are going to assume things.”
“Like who? Emily? No one cares. And if it’ll make you feel any better, I can sleep on the bed and you can sleep in the bathtub.”
I elbowed him in the ribs.
“I want to talk to Chase,” I said and looked down at my phone.
“I’ll go take a bath while you talk,” Harry said.
“A bath?”
“Yes. Just because I’m the manliest person you’ve ever met doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a bath every once in a while,” Harry scoffed.
“Thanks, Harry,” I smiled weakly.
He walked straight into the bathroom and I could hear the door lock. I pulled out my phone and found Chase’s number.
“Sister, sister!” Chase shouted. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”
And just hearing the familiar voice was enough to make me start to cry.
“Whoa, what’s wrong?” Chase asked, all fun and giddiness gone from his voice.
“Chase, I’m having a really—really rough time right now,” I sobbed.
“What’s going on?”
“Niall b-broke up with me!”
“He what?”
“Broke up with me!” I cried.
“Why?” Chase asked.
“He doesn’t think the l-long distance thing is working. He wants us to have some-some space!”
“Do you think the long distance thing is working?”
“I thought so!” I sniffled. “He wants me to date other guys.”
“Is he dating other girls?”
“He says no. He says he doesn’t have time for it. Do you think he’s lying?”
“Honestly, if it were any other guy, I would say yes. But Niall has always been straight with everyone. I think he’s just giving you the freedom to have a real boyfriend. One who is physically there for you.”
“But I don’t want that,” I said miserably. “I want Niall.”
“And he wants you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Bay Day. I’ve heard the way he talks about you to his friends. Don’t look at this as a break up. Look at it as a time to focus on yourself. He’ll come back to you. I know it.”
“How can you know that?”
“Because I know everything.”
“I’m starting to figure that out,” I grinned. I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath. “So I should just focus on myself?”
“Yup, just focus on yourself.”
“And not worry about it?”
“Exactly. No worrying for you.”
“If you’re wrong about all of this, can I murder you?”
“You absolutely may,” Chase allowed. “But I’m not wrong.”
“Thanks, Chase.”
“Of course.”
“You’re the best brother ever.”
“You’re the best sister ever.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too. Call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
I took another deep breath. This was the best I had felt since Harry knocked on my door. How did Chase always know what to say to make me feel better? And why is that other people could tell me the exact same thing but it doesn’t help me like when Chase tells it to me? I don’t know. I don’t even know.
Harry came out of the bathroom approximately ten seconds after I hung up. It wasn’t until I saw him fully clothed and not at all wet that I realized he never even turned on the water. And I highly doubted he walked out directly after my phone call by coincidence. The little turd.
“Oh hey. I just forgot my towel.”
“There are towels in the bathroom,” I pointed out.
“You don’t know that,” Harry challenged. “But, oh hey! Did you talk to Chase already?” I smiled and nodded. “Things went well I assume?”
“They did, yeah,” I nodded.
“That’s good!” Harry enthused.
“Yeah,” I agreed. I feel sideways onto the bed. “Time for bed.”
“I thought we agreed you were taking the bathtub?”
“Nope,” I shook my head, suddenly overcome with exhaustion. I really hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before.
“Well shouldn’t you at least change first?”
“I guess,” I mumbled. I rolled out of bed and waddled over to the bags I had acquired on my shopping spree. I sifted around until I found some silk pajamas I had picked up. I went to the bathroom and took a five minute shower before slipping into the coziest pajamas in the world. If I didn’t sleep well then I was going to actually kill someone.
I walked back into the other room and collapsed once more on the bed.
“Well now I can’t sleep in the bathtub,” Harry pouted. “You got it at all wet.”
I just patted the vast amount of space next to me on the bed with my eyes closed. I could hear Harry going into the bathroom to take a shower but I fell asleep before I found out if he actually joined me or not.
I woke up at around ten the next morning feeling refreshed.
“We only have fourteen hours left, Butterball,” Harry said the moment I opened my eyes.
“You’re being overly creepy, I hope you know,” I said. I stood up and stretched.
“There’s nothing creepy about watching someone sleep for four hours.”
“I really hope you’re kidding.”
“You may never know.”
“Okay,” I laughed. “Did you have anything planned for today?”
“Not really,” he admitted. “Any ideas?”
“We should watch a movie,” I said.
“Watch a movie?” Harry repeated as if scandalized.
“Yes, Harry, a movie. When was the last time you just sat for a few hours and enjoyed a movie?”
“I don’t know…”
“You’re always out doing something. Look at you! You have three days off and you’re spending it in California, going to gigs and taking me on the best shopping spree of my life. You need to just sit.”
“Yes, master,” he frowned. “Jeez. And what movie should we watch?”
“Something funny.”
“What’s funny?”
“It’s like something that makes you laugh.”
“I know what it means to be funny,” Harry snapped. “I’m asking what you consider funny.”
“Oh, right,” I smirked. “We can go with a classic funny movie. Dumb and Dumber.”
“Never seen it.”
I stared at him.
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope.”
“Well, now we have to watch it. How does this work exactly? Netflix? I’m not used to staying in such nice rooms.”
“Normally I just call the front desk and ask them.” I laughed but I realized Harry wasn’t kidding. I swear, the lifestyles of the rich and the famous.
So while Harry talked with the front desk, I slipped back under the covers and propped myself up with pillows.
“I ordered some breakfast while you were asleep,” Harry informed. “Are you hungry?”
“Um, yeah, a little.”
Harry disappeared into the kitchen and emerged with a plate and cup. My plate was full of man sized portions of bacon, pancakes, eggs, fruit, and yogurt. I thanked him. He disappeared into the kitchen again and this time returned with a smaller plate of just bacon. He used the remaining pillows to prop himself up and then he reclined beside me.
“How did you sleep?” I asked.
“Very well,” Harry said. “You?”
“Really, really good,” I smiled.
“I read that these are the most comfortable beds in the entirety of southern California,” Harry said importantly.
“And where did you read that?”
“The hotel’s website,” he said and I laughed.
“You know just how to make me laugh,” I sighed happily.
“I do?”
“You do.”
“Well, that’s good.”
“Indeed.” We took a moment to eat. “So how have you never seen Dumb and Dumber before?”
He opened his mouth to answer when there was a knock on the door. Harry set his plate on the nightstand and hopped up to answer. I could hear chattering and then Harry walked into the room holding a bag.
“Did…did someone go out and buy it for you?” I gaped.
“Doubt it,” Harry shrugged. “But I gave him a huge tip.” He jumped onto the bed and resituated himself. “I got a few movies. Just in case this one sucks.”
“It will not suck, I can promise you that.” He grabbed Dumb and Dumber and went to put it in. I sorted through his other choices. He got one movie from every genre. Harry pressed through all of the menus and then joined me again once the movie started to play.
By chance, it was a rather overcast day, which is perfect movie watching weather. We left the curtains cracked as we watched. Harry had to get up twice to adjust the thermostat before we both ended up cuddled under the covers. He was the perfect audience for the movie. He laughed at just the right parts and his laugh was so infectious that it only made me laugh harder.
“Okay!” Harry cried once the credits rolled. “You were right! You’re always freaking right!”
“I know.”
“Okay, what movie should we watch next?” he asked.
“You choose this time.”
“In that case, we’re watching one of my favorites.”
“Which would be…?”
“I swear, Bee, it’s like you don’t even subscribe to my mailing list,” he joked. I laughed. “It’s Love Actually.”
I melted on the spot. How amazing is that movie?!
He put the movie on and rushed over to the bed so we could get comfortable. We giggled as we snuggled under the covers and I was strongly reminded of movie nights with Fiona and Camilla. I made a mental note to call them soon. The movie started and we settled down.
Love Actually is one of the most flawless movies of all time. It’s got romance, comedy, music, and by the time the credits rolled, I had cried on about five separate occasions. And it wasn’t until the movie ended that I realized Harry and I had cuddled up against each other as the movie progressed.
“Once again, you were right,” Harry sighed heavily, as if admitting this pained him. “Relaxing and watching movies was a nice change of pace.”
“You should take a couple hours a week to just relax and watch movies,” I prescribed. “I think it would do a lot for your mental health.”
“Are you calling me crazy?” he laughed.
“Yup.”
“Well, at least you’re honest.”
“We have approximately nine hours left until you leave,” I said. “How should we utilize that time?”
“We should go swimming,” Harry said immediately.
“Swimming?”
“Yeah. I hardly ever get to go swimming. Let’s go swimming!”
He jumped onto his feet enthusiastically. Normally I’m all for swimming but I had my doubts. First of all, I hadn’t shaved me legs for, well, too long to be wearing a bikini, let me tell you. And Harry was used to seeing me pale, but I had a tank top tan line and the rest of me was translucent. And, um, they aren’t exactly kidding with the freshman fifteen thing.
Needless to say, I wasn’t swimming bod ready.
“I don’t think—”
“Oh, come on!” Harry whined.
“I can definitely watch you swim,” I offered.
“That’s no fun,” Harry pouted. “Why don’t you want to swim?”
Because I look like a pufferfish.
“I don’t even have a suit.”
“Yes you do. You bought one yesterday.”
Dammit. How did he know that? And the only reason I bought the suit was so that I could start going to the beach to get a tan. Plus, I hoped it would give me an incentive to work out more.
“Okay, yes, we’re going,” Harry decided. “Let’s get ready!”
I panicked a little bit. There was nothing I could do now about my paleness and my flab, but I would be damned if Harry saw my hairy legs.
“I’ll, um, I’ll meet you down there,” I said. “I need to call Chase really quick.”
“Is everything okay?” Harry frowned.
“Oh, yes. You know, just sibling stuff.”
“Okay,” Harry said slowly. “You better hurry!”
“I will,” I promised. I pretended to call Chase as Harry changed into his swim trunks in record speed. I was fake asking about Chase’s day when Harry left the room. I threw my phone onto the bed and rushed to the bathroom. I scanned the entire place for a razor. Any razor. I rummaged through drawers and I checked Harry’s bags until I found one. Part of me felt kind of bad using his razor but this was important. I pulled off my pants and started the shower. I sat on the edge of the tub as I let the water soak my legs. I threw on some soap and then shaved away. It was the fastest, most chaotic shave I ever had. There was no rhyme or reason to it. It was madness. I was surprised I only came out of it with four cuts. I put some lotion on my legs in hopes it would help suppress the bleeding. I then did some crunches as a last resort. I figured I really did have to work out more when I got winded at twenty crunches but I persevered to fifty. The moment I finished the fifty, I dug around for my suit and threw it on.
It was fortunate that I acquired a rather high end swim suit because those things are made to make you look good. After examining myself critically in the mirror for a few minutes, I decided to just jump into the water as soon as I got down there so Harry could only see me underwater. I also vowed to make good on working out more.
So I tossed on a coverup and rushed towards the pool. Harry was already jumping into the water, alone might I add. He really is a special kind of person.
“Finally, jeez!” Harry yelled as he flipped into the water. In the three seconds he was underwater, I tossed off my dress and hopped into the water ungracefully. But I succeeded in preventing him from seeing me. So…ha!
Harry spent the majority of the time doing flips and jumps into the water even though there were at least four signs advising him not to. But no one seemed to care. Plus, since it was overcast, there weren’t any other people swimming so that might be a contributing factor.
“Are there any paparazzi lurking?” I asked. I had been watching Harry jump and splash around and I was admittedly admiring Harry’s fine physique when it hit me that these would make excellent paparazzi pictures. Then I went into a mild panic. Not becauser I was being pictured with Harry, but because the paparazzi wouldn’t miss an opportunity to snap a picture of me in my flabby, pasty glory.
“No,” Harry said confidently. “Why, did you want to skinny dip?”
I ignored Harry’s enthusiasm at the concept and said, “How do you know for sure?”
“Paul set it up,” Harry shrugged. “He told me it’s because people fear him but I suspect he’s been paying people off. He knows how annoying the paps can be so he takes care of those things when he can.”
“So you’re a million percent positive that there aren’t any?” I asked.
“Yes, Butterball. Calm down.”
I kind of wanted to ask again how he could really know there weren’t any paparazzi but I decided not to annoy him.
“Can you do a handstand?” Harry asked, treading water even though he was in the shallow end.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Then, uh, prove it,” he mocked.
“Can’t do that,” I shook my head.
“And why not?”
“I don’t want to blind you by how pale my legs are,” I said, figuring turning my insecurity into a joke was a good way to handle this.
“I think you’re forgetting that I see Niall naked all the time,” Harry smirked and then his face fell once he realized what he said. He looked at me apologetically and I rolled my eyes. Smooth, Styles. Smooth.
“Yeah, he’s pretty pale,” I agreed, refraining from adding, “That’s why we’re perfect together.”
“Point is, I am not fazed by paleness. And I insist on seeing a handstand.”
“I warned you.”
My handstand was not so much a handstand as me trying to remember how to do it without plugging my nose. I kicked my legs a lot as water flooded into my nose. I came to the surface spluttering and trying to make my nose stop hurting. Once I had finished coughing and sniffling and wincing, I turned to find Harry staring at me with a cocked eyebrow.
“Right,” he said slowly. “Good thing you warned me about those legs.”
“I’m dying,” I wheezed.
“No you’re not.”
“Oh god,” I whined.
“You look like a sea monster,” he said simply.
I scowled at him.
“I’m going in,” I huffed. “It’s cold out here anyway.”
“Oh, come on!” Harry laughed. “It was funny. You have to admit. It was pretty funny.” I inored him. “If you’re cold, you should go in the Jacuzzi.”
“No, I’m leaving.”
“Party pooper!” Harry chanted. “Party pooper! Party pooper!”
“I’m going to punch you.”
“You have to catch me first!”
He went straight to the Jacuzzi. I stood there and crossed my arms in defiance. He waded around and splashed as if to show me he was having the time of his life. When I continued to stand there, he ranted and raved about how warm and comfortable he was. Now that my nose had stopped hurting, I dunked my head to fix my hair and I shivered. IT really was quite cold. Seriously, only people from England would swim in this weather. And me apparently. He leaned back and stared at the sky. This was my moment to go in undetected.
I maneuvered over to the edge of the pool and hurried into the Jacuzzi. I entered rather ungracefully and sent a wave of water into Harry’s face as I plopped down. Now he was the one spluttering. I snorted and he pretended to glare at me.
“See, this is nice,” Harry said.
“Oh, yes,” I grinned. “Just flawless.”
“I know.”
Silence for a good five minutes as we stared at the cloudy sky.
“Let’s play a game,” Harry suggested.
“What kind of game?”
“A fun game where we talk about old times,” Harry said. He had this weird tone to his voice. I looked over at him without my head. His jaw was tense and his eyes were focused. “You know, before the fame.”
“Like back at school?”
“Yeah,” Harry shrugged. I was in the midst of trying to think of a good story when he said, “Tell me about your first day of school.”
That was not the story I would have chosen in a million years. Mostly because it kind of sucked as far as first days are concerned. But Harry was in a weird mood and I figured he might get a kick out of it so I shrugged.
“I woke up at five in the morning thanks to jetlag,” I began. I proceeded to tell him about Chase making friends in two seconds and me running into the smoking girls in the bathroom. I told him how everyone seemed to avoid me and ignore me. “Niall was the first of you lot that I saw.” My stomach clenched but I soldiered on. “I came up with nicknames for all of you before I knew your names.”
“What were our nicknames?” Harry asked, interrupting for the first time.
“Niall, um, was Future Husband,” I said and blushed. Why was I even telling him this? “Zayn was Delicious Eyes. Liam was Sexier Biebs. Louis was Tan Man.”
“Louis was Tan Man?” Harry laughed which made me smile.
“Yes he was.”
“And what was my nickname?”
“Angelface,” I admitted reluctantly.
“Aw, thanks Dollface. But seriously. What was my name?”
“I’m serious,” I said through clenched teeth. “I nicknamed you Angelface.” Harry fell silent so I decided to just keep talking. “And I nicknamed all five you the Foxy Five.” Harry was still being quiet so I added, “And I nicknamed Karen, Jessica, Fiona, and Camilla the Big Titty Committee.” As I had hoped, this made Harry choke on his own laughter.
We were silent for another moment.
“Well, go on. Tell me about the rest of your day.”
“There’s not much to tell,” I said. “I didn’t make any friends. No one even really talked to me. I was invisible to everyone.”
“That’s not true.”
“Actually, it is true,” I shrugged. “But it’s okay. I’ve moved on.”
“Tell me another story.”
“You tell me a story now.”
“Okay,” he said. “Do you remember the first party you ever went to with us?”
“I do,” I confirmed.
“I remember when I first saw you at that party you were talking to Roger and I didn’t like it. As you know now, he’s a prick.” I nodded. “And I asked you dance and I felt like you didn’t want to dance with me. To be honest, that was kind of a first for me. And the dance was great.” I doubted that since I remember dancing like a jackrabbit. “But then you just ran away from me.” Erm…yeah, that sounds familiar. “Later that night I saw you and Niall upstairs and I couldn’t tell if you were kissing or about to kiss and it confused me a little. You didn’t really seem like the type to just go around and makeout with guys while drunk.” I was bother flattered and offended by this. I don’t know how to explain it. “But I knew Niall well enough. He’s one of the greatest guys in the world, but he’s still a guy. And while he never would have pressured you into doing anything, he also wouldn’t pass up the chance to do anything with you. I mean, I know you have this self-esteem problem but you really are beautiful. No, not sexy or hot. You’re beautiful.” Now I was really conflicted on whether or not to be offended. “And I found myself feeling kind of protective of you even though Niall is the last guy in the world that anyone needs to be protected from. I think it’s just that I had this image of you in my head. Like this fragile, naïve, new girl that was way too innocent to be in our little group.” Okay, now kind of offended. “But nothing happened between you two and you went downstairs. Vivian and I went to a room as you may remember.” I was too busy still being offended to respond. “And then you walked into the room with Louis and Karen and that whole scene happened and there you were, just laughing hysterically with Louis. You walked in on two people having sex, you witness two naked girls fighting, and you just laughed your arse off. And I knew that you were different. You were innocent and naïve. And it was comforting, in a way. You were nothing like the rest of us in the group but I think you were exactly what our group needed.”
He stopped talking for a few minutes which confused me.
“Um, question. If I was so innocent and you were so glad I was innocent and all, why did you make it your mission to score with me?”
“I think it’s because it was a challenge. But a challenge I knew I would never live up to. I knew you would never do anything with me. So, really, it was just kind of fun messing with you.”
“That’s rude.”
“Yeah,” Harry said which caught me off guard. “I was pretty stupid.”
“You’re the most confusing human being on this planet,” I told him.
“No, you hold that title.”
“That’s false. And screw you, I can be plenty sexy.”
“Okay, next story.”
I glared at the sky.
“What do you want to hear about?” I asked.
“Your trip to France.”
“Why?” I asked stiffly.
“I don’t know,” he said unhelpfully. I sighed heavily.
I told him about dreading the trip but also being hopeful about it. I told him about Niall getting sick and me doing what I could to help him. I told him about how Niall was only dealing with me because he was sick and he didn’t have a choice. Then I talked about how Niall got better and he didn’t need me. Then I told him about the Louvre chat and how I was a mess during it. Then I told him how we made up and spent the rest of the trip as if nothing had ever happened.
I was sad when I finished. Remembering all of that made me remember all of the reasons I loved Niall. Harry was silent also which wasn’t helping.
“Another story,” I insisted. “A happy one.”
“Remember when we kissed in my room?”
“Harry,” I said warningly.
“I’m serious,” Harry said.
“Yes, I remember,” I said harshly. Like I could freaking forget it. It was both parts life changing and life ruining. So, yes my dear, Harry, I do remember that.
“I was really messed up during that kiss.”
“You’re always really messed up,” I mumbled. “Wait, what? Why?”
“Because you are an emotional rollercoaster and I never know if you’re going to yell at me or not,” he argued. “I mean, I finally fancy a girl and I finally build up the courage to tell her how I feel and she makes me feel like shit.” If this was his idea of a happy story then he was seriously disturbed. “And there I was in my room, sulking about the whole thing. And I was thinking how much I hated you and how I had never been rejected before and what gave you the right and I was just being immature and petty.” I pursed my lips. “Then there you were. At my house. In my room. In sweatpants. And you were asking me how I could possibly fancy you and it was so hard to explain because it was everything you were doing, everything you had done. I meant what I said, by the way. It’s not a bad thing you’re not like the other girls I’ve dated. Even though I had hated you twenty minutes ago, there we were, laughing and joking again. And I knew if I didn’t kiss you then—likereally kiss you—then we’d probably never kiss.” I sat up and looked at him. His head was still lying on the concrete, his eyes fixed on the sky. “I know I’m sounding like a broken record, Bee, but I fancy you. I really do. You mean so much to me and I like that you keep me on my toes. I like that you’re not conventionally charming or elegant, like, at all. I like that you can be strong when no one is there to back you up and I like that you’re not above asking for help if you need it. I like the fact that you’ve technically only kissed two guys and, yes, I like the fact that I’m one of them. I like that your sassy but innocent and one of the nicest people I know…just not to me.”
I was speechless. Even my brain was speechless. Like, as I sat there and continued to stare at him, I literally did not have a single thought going through my head. Not one. I imagine that if Harry had bothered to look up at me at that moment, he would have seen me looking a lot like Squidward, emotionless and blah. Because…what the fuck? That was easily one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to me. A little jagged and rough, but nice nonetheless. I couldn’t quite fathom it. Any of it.
Which is why I was a little surprised when I felt tears sliding down my face. I immediately wiped away the tears with my wet hand and Harry finally looked up.
“No response?” he asked monotonously.
“Can we go back to the room?” I asked and my voice cracked. Brilliant.
He nodded but he was frowning heavily with a look on his face that clearly said, “Oh crap.”
He jumped out and grabbed my things on the lounge chair. He held the towel out for me and I walked into it. He wrapped it around me and then grabbed his shoes before we walked. He kept his hand on my back as we walked as if comforting me which was a weird notion to me. Comforting me for what? But instead of annoying me as it normally would, it really was quite comforting.
We got back to the room and I watched as Harry opened the door.
“You make it really hard, you know?” I said quietly, trying really hard not to cry.
“Make what really hard?” Harry asked cautiously, as if waiting for me to yell at him any moment. Psssssh.
“To hate you.”
“Are you trying to hate me? Because, I have to admit, that would make a lot of sense.”
“I’m not trying to hate you,” I clarified. “It’s just easier when I do.”
“Why?”
“Because you go and say stuff like you did in the Jacuzzi and it messes with my head. I love Niall. I want to be with Niall. I know this with all of my heart but you go and say stuff like that and it makes me falter, even if just for a second. The worst part is, though, that you’re not doing it to be difficult. You’re doing it…well, I don’t really know why you’re doing it, but I know you have good intentions. Which is so frustrating. Can you stop being perfect and just let me hate you in peace?”
“Um…no,” he said uncertainly.
“Dammit, Harry,” I frowned.
“At least this time you have me figured out a little better.”
“What do you mean?”
“Last time you accused me of playing you. This time you know I’m genuine. That means a lot.”
“Will you stop?” I cried. “Will you stop acting like me giving you credit where credit is due is a redeeming quality? I love everything you said down there—well, most of the things you said down there—but I think you’re a little…blinded. Little bit.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because it shouldn’t mean so much to you that I’m finally seeing the good in you. I should have been doing that from the start.”
“See, that means a lot to me, too.”
“You’re impossible.”
“I’m serious,” Harry said firmly. “Think about it from my perspective. Say you really fancy a guy but he can barely tolerate you. Then, after awhile, he starts to realize you weren’t as annoying as he originally thought. He realizes you’re actually a pretty cool person. Wouldn’t that mean a lot to you?”
“Well, yeah, but it’s different.”
“How is it different?” he asked in exasperation.
“Because I don’t have millions of boys that worship the ground I walk on like you do. In my mind it’s like, so what? One girl doesn’t like me. I’ll just choose from my plethora of other options.”
“Who the hell uses the word plethora?” Harry asked. “Besides, you’re not getting the point. I don’t want any other girl. I don’t care about the other girls. It’s you, Bee. It’s been you. And I know you’ll end up with Niall and, yeah, it’ll hurt but I know it’ll make you two happy and I really do just want you guys to be happy. I hate seeing you sad and I will be there for you to pick you back up again, no matter what. I’m sure I’ll end up finding the perfect girl for me but in the meantime, can you please stop trying to fight me on this? No matter what you say or do, it’s not going to stop how I feel about you. Believe me, I’ve already tried to get over you. It’s not healthy to love your best mate’s girlfriend. I’m not expecting anything from you but I just need you to accept it, okay? Just accept it.”
And then I was kissing him.
I know.
I know.
You don’t need to tell me. I know I’m a terrible person.
But I’m going ask you, Diary, can you really blame me? God, I wish you could answer me. It’s not a rhetorical question. I really want to know if you can blame me for it. I mean, I really love Niall and there I was, doing the exact same thing that tore us apart last time. But at the same time…everything Harry said…The way he said it…the look in his eyes.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever truly justify myself, but it’s hard not to justify it when…
Ugh. I’ll think of that in a minute. Allow me to tell you about the kiss because, well, it needs to be discussed.
At first it was very one-sided because I’m fairly certain I attacked him. I don’t remember exactly. The millisecond between him not talking and my lips on his is a bit blurry. But there we were, me pressing my lips against his with a kind of ferocity that startled me and him standing there, his lips limp.
He reacted eventually but he seemed very hesitant about the whole thing. In other words, very un-Harrylike. He finally kissed me back but he did so with caution and I could feel him lift his hands from his side to rest gingerly on my waist. I mean, yeah, the other times I had kissed him, he had been the one to initiate it and get the ball rolling. Plus, I had heard from so many people on so many different occasions what a fantastic kisser he is. I was rather expecting him to respond with full force—to grab my face in his hands, to pull me as close to him as he could.
But…no.
I assumed Harry wasn’t feeling the kiss and I assumed it was for the best so I pulled away, ridden with mortification, and murmured, “I’m so sorry.”
The expression on his face did nothing to ease my humiliation. He looked confused, but not in an “I can’t believe that just happened” kind of way. It was more of a “why would she think that was a good idea?” kind of way.
“Bee,” he said slowly, as if addressing a small child.
If I could have died from embarrassment, consider me buried at that moment.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“It’s just kind of a big deal, you know?” he said in that same tone.
“Yeah, I know. With Niall and all.”