31 December, 2011
Something is amiss. My life has been way to calm and smooth the last couple of days. It’s the calm before the storm, I can feel it.
Some may say I’m a pessimist, but can you really blame me? Realist is the more correct word, I feel.
Okay, I’m zen.
So tonight is the big party. I’ve decided not to drink for a lot of reasons, most of which involve me steering clear of all drama. If I’m in total control, I can handle anything with ease and grace.
1 January, 2012
My life. Is over.
I’m not suicidal, but if I start to die of pain, don’t try to revive me. That’s all I’m saying.
1 January, 2012, five minutes later
The girls came over to my house to get ready. The night started off splendidly. We did the usual laughing, dancing, and singing amidst our makeup application and hair taming. We gossiped about the boys and everyone aww-ed at Niall’s nursing skills. Jessica only mentioned Harry once and I used that time to share my new knowledge I acquired from Rex’s mom.
“Milly?” Karen frowned. “What kind of a name is that?”
“It’s probably a nickname,” Camilla said reasonably.
“Do you think she’ll be there tonight?” Jessica asked.
“Who knows,” I shrugged.
Once we had all squeezed into our little black dresses and took so many pictures that I was seeing spots from the flash, we headed out. It was at Harry’s house which should have been my first red flag. We waltzed into the house together and I felt like we were in a modeling fashion show or something. As soon as we entered the house, we each sported a pose and we looked around the room. It was all very dramatic but it made me feel powerful.
“I’m going to find Liam,” Camilla announced.
“And Louis,” Fiona added.
“Drinks?” Karen said to Jessica.
“Drinks,’ Jessica confirmed.
“Niall,” I told myself since everyone else had walked off.
I found Niall sitting in the living room with Harry, Zayn, and two girls I didn’t recognize. As long as the girls weren’t Vivian and Mindy, I was more than willing to meet them. I still felt a little weird about being around Harry but I was also confident that Niall was right for me. I was also confident we had both moved on so I didn’t see the point in avoiding him.
“Hey,” I smiled at the group and rested a hand on Niall’s shoulder.
“Hey! Niall greeted enthusiastically. He stood up and gave me a peck on the lips. “Girls, this is my girlfriend, Bailey.” I tried not to look too overjoyed at being his girlfriend. “Bee, this is Harry’s girlfriend, Milly, and her friend, Dee.”
The smile froze on my face and I forced myself to reach out my arm and shake their hands. I quite honestly did not see that one coming, which speaks volumes about my observation skills. Of course the girl with Harry is his girlfriend. How could I have missed that?
“Nice to meet you,” I said.
“You, too,” Milly smiled shyly. If I’m being one hundred percent honest with myself, it should be said that Milly is far prettier than me. I wish I could say she looked like a troll on acid but that’s not the case. And the fact that she seemed so timid and humble only made her prettier.
Damn her. Damn Milly right to hell.
“Dee and Bee,” Dee said. “It’s like we were made to be friends.”
Right…
I forced out a laugh and she smiled at me.
“Niall has told us so much about you,” Milly cut in.
“All bad I hope,” I teased and winked at Niall. He made a face at me and we laughed.
“I was about to go get more drinks for the ladies,” Niall told me. “What can I get you?”
“Oh, I’m not drinking,” I shrugged. “Just gone done being sick and I don’t want to overdue it.”
“That’s for the best,” Niall agreed. “Want water or something?”
“Sure,” I smiled.
“I’ll be right back,” he said.
Once he was gone, I turned back to the awkwardness that is my life. Milly, Dee, and Harry were all looking at me. I was debating whether or not I should make up an excuse to leave when Dee spoke.
“I like your dress,” she said.
“Thank you,” I said. “My friend Karen lent it to me.”
“Have we met Karen?” Dee asked Harry.
“Not yet,” Harry said. “You’ll know when you’ve met Karen.”
I snorted because that seemed a fair thing to say.
“So,” I said, not sure if I should ask the next question, but wanting an answer regardless. “How do you know Harry?”
Milly looked over at Harry, waiting for him to reply for her.
“Her brother knows Gemma,” he told me. “I would run into her sometimes when Gemma and Robert would hang out.”
“Oh, so you’ve known each other for a long time,” I noted. I couldn’t decide if that made more or less sense in this mystery of their relationship.
“Yeah,” Milly smiled.
I couldn’t get over how pretty she was when she smiled.
“So what is Robert up to now?” I asked. I didn’t really care but I felt obligated to keep the conversation going to avoid awkward silences.
“He’s in the Royal Navy,” she said which genuinely interested me.
“Really?” I said. “What does he do?”
“He’s out to sea right now,” she said. “He’s been gone for a long time.”
“When was the last time you saw him?”
“Oh, months and months ago,” she said. She looked slightly uncomfortable with all this attention on her. Seeing as how that’s my case ninety percent of the time, I thought I would take the attention off of her.
“My brother’s been gone for a while, also,” I said. “You don’t think you’ll miss them as much as you do.” She nodded her agreement. “I saw him for a few days but he’s gone again.”
“What does he do?” she asked.
“He’s a famous skateboarder,” I smirked.
“No way,” she said suspiciously.
“Way,” I chuckled. “Who’d a thought, right?”
“Does he know any famous people?” Dee asked.
“I think so,” I said. “His Christmas present to me was a ton of autographs.”
“Wicked,” Dee said breathlessly. “He should come round to our school and bring famous people.”
“Yeah, definitely,” I said though he never would.
Niall returned with drinks and I smiled at him. The girls thanked him for their drinks.
“Zayn is looking for you,” Niall told me.
I resisted the urge to say, “Me? Why me?” and instead excused myself from the gang and followed Niall.
“What do you think?” Niall asked.
“Of what?” I asked blankly. I was sure he wasn’t talking about the water.
“Of Milly and Dee,” Niall clarified.
“Oh! They’re nice,” I shrugged.
“I almost wet myself when Harry told us he had a girlfriend,” Niall laughed. “Can you believe that?”
“Not really. It seems kind of random.”
“Yeah, really random,” Niall nodded. “Maybe he’s been talking to her for awhile and we just didn’t know it.”
“Probably,” I said. It didn’t sit well with me but I reminded myself I didn’t care about Harry.
I was starting to think Niall lied about the Zayn thing in order to drag me away from Harry and them, but Zayn beamed when he saw me and I knew he was already drunk. He told me he needed a beer pong partner. I told him I wasn’t drinking and he promised to drink the alcohol if I played with him. I honestly can’t tell you why he wanted me as his partner. It was fun, though. There’s something about that whole not drinking thing. I’ll have to remember that.
Most of the night was spent dancing and talking to friends. About ten minutes before midnight was meant strike, I headed to the bathroom so that I wouldn’t have to pee during the actual hour. It was lucky I did so because there was a line. Now, I felt a little entitled, being one of Harry’s close friends and all, so I went upstairs to use a bathroom. I passed by Harry’s open bedroom and refused to look in.
Okay, I admit it! I know I keep saying I’m not thinking about him but it’s hard to just ignore that whole thing happened. Especially as I walk passed the scene of the crime. Okay! It’s off my chest.
The upstairs bathroom was empty so I did my business. I checked my reflection to make sure everything was in order. I checked the clock by the door. I still had seven minutes. Perfect. Enough time to find Niall.
I opened the door and nearly had a heart attack when Harry was standing on the other side of the door. I’m not even going to try to deny the fact that I panicked. I hadn’t been alone with Harry since the kissing situation and I wasn’t ready.
“I was wondering who was in my private bathroom,” he teased.
I laughed a little too loudly and then looked to the side.
“Where’s Milly?”
“In bed,” he said and gestured to the open room. “Drank a bit more than usual.”
“Oh,” I said, because I had no idea what else to say.
“She really likes you,” he said. “Thinks you’re really nice.”
“What’s not to like?” I laughed nervously. I cleared my throat. We were silent for a moment and it drove me crazy. “So…you and Milly.”
“Yeah, me and Milly,” Harry said.
“That’s new,” I observed.
“Quite new, yeah,” he nodded.
“Like super new? Or kind of new?” I asked. This was my awful way of trying to figure out if he had been seeing her while confessing his feelings for me. I’m sure you’d understand if he didn’t quite catch on, but by some miracle, he did.
“I called her the day after,” he said. I pursed my lips and nodded. The day after the kiss, that is. “I told myself had to move on. So I did.”
“Excellent,” I murmured.
“I’ve known her for ages,” he continued. I immediately decided that this was none of my business and I should get downstairs soon. But as he talked, I felt compelled to stay and listen. “She’s always been kind of…there.” He lowered his voice and I knew I should leave at that moment. This was the time to bail. “I’m using her to get over you.”
Fucking shit butt ass piss.
“You haven’t talked to me. You’ve barely even looked at me,” he said. “I don’t handle rejection well and I’m working on it, but I just need to do one more thing. One more thing and I can move on for good.”
“Harry,” I said warily and took a step back, further into the bathroom.
But Harry is a terrible listener and he took a step forward to make up the difference. In one swift motion, he made the step, put a hand on the small of my back to keep me from running away, and then kissed me. I have no idea if he planned it or if it just happened out of sheer chance, but there was a resounding cheer from downstairs as the clock struck midnight.
I shoved Harry away from me at the exact same moment I heard my name. For a wild second, I thought Harry had said my name, but that was impossible seeing as how he had just been kissing me and all.
I looked over Harry’s shoulder and felt my heart plummet into my stomach. Two people stood in the hallway with wide eyes and mouths wide open. Dee and Niall.
Niall.
Oh god, Niall.
“Niall,” I said desperately. Harry’s eyes widened and he flipped around. Niall looked between us as if trying to figure out if what he saw was real. I shoved passed Harry and grabbed Niall’s hand.
“I—I came to find you,” he explained. “For midnight.”
“Niall, this is not what it looks like,” I insisted. I was painfully aware that cheaters used that line all the time when caught in the act.
“No?” he asked almost hopefully, as if wanting nothing more than to believe what he just saw wasn’t real.
I turned to Harry to explain himself. I had a feeling if I said, “Harry deeply likes me and was expressing his everlasting lust for me,” it wouldn’t go over that well. I mean, maybe. Harry just stood there, wide eyed, being entirely unhelpful. I was suddenly furious with Harry.
“Dammit, Harry!” I snapped. He looked over at me and his expression was unreadable.
“What’s going on?” Niall asked, his voice rising in either panic, hurt, and anger. I prayed for ‘panic.’
And I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about hurting Harry or hurting his friendship with Niall. Niall meant so much to me and I refused to lose him over something like this. Yeah, okay, I admit that I consented to kiss Harry once, but that was ages ago. This was a kiss against my will. Harry should have known better.
“He kissed me,” I said. Niall frowned and looked at Harry.
Harry stared at me with a look on his face that actually managed to put a dent in my fury. I second guessed my actions as his eyes saddened. But I had to be strong. This was about protecting Niall, not Harry.
It’s only now, when I reflect upon the goings on of last night, that I realize what an awkward position I put everyone in with that statement. What were Harry’s options? To tell his best friend that he liked his girlfriend, right in front of his girlfriend’s best friend? To lie to Niall? To tell Niall that he was drunk, that it was a mistake, and it would never happen again? To apologize? I don’t know how I would have handled that situation at all. I mean, if I had been the Harry in Camilla and Liam’s relationship, and Camilla found me kissing Liam, what the hell would I have done? There really isn’t a good way to handle that.
“You kissed her?” Dee asked. She was already taking measured steps towards the bedroom where Milly was sleeping.
“No, it wasn’t—”
“Milly!” Dee shrieked, cutting Harry off. She turned to me, glaring with the intensity of a thousand suns, and said, “We really liked you, you know that? We thought you were well nice. But you’re just another one of his filthy whores. You’re a dirty slag!”
I didn’t even do anything! I wanted to shout. But, if we’re having honesty hour, that statement isn’t one hundred percent accurate, is it? Because even though I really didn’t have anything to do with the kiss last night, and even though I had done everything I could to avoid Harry this last week, the truth still remains: Harry and I had kissed. It wasn’t very long, and nothing came of it, but it still happened.
Dee ran into the bedroom, leaving me in stunned silence.
“I don’t understand,” Niall said helplessly. My heart ached for him. I wanted to take away his confusion and pain and it killed me to know that I was the reason he was feeling that way.
“Niall,” Harry said quietly. I held my breath, waiting to hear whatever Harry said next. What path would he take? But before Harry could go any further, Dee and Milly stumbled out of the bedroom. Milly let out an ear splitting scream before drunkenly launching herself at me.
I have never been in a fight my entire life, and I most certainly do not consider myself the fighting type. Thus, when she attacked, I thanked the high heavens for my earlier decision not to drink. The fight was as easy as stepping out of her way every time she came at me. By this point, he shrills had drawn the attention of people downstairs. I felt like crying. Everything was going wrong and now I didn’t even have the privacy to handle it.
“Is that Milly?” Karen’s voice could be heard from the crowd.
“She’s attacking Bailey!” someone else replied.
“Oh, hell no!”
Despite the circumstances, I was a little flattered that both Karen and Jessica jumped into the “fight” to assist me. In all seriousness, I think it had more to do with the fact that it was Milly than coming to my rescue, but still. Mostly, though, I was frustrated. Liam, Zayn, Louis, and Harry pulled Dee, Milly, Karen, and Jessica apart. As soon as the fight broke apart, Milly started to shout.
“You fucking bitch!” she cried as she struggled in Liam’s arms. “You boyfriend stealing whore!”
“I didn’t touch your boyfriend!” Karen shouted.
“Not you, dumbfuck!” Milly spat. “Her!”
Every eye on the room followed Milly’s finger to me. Some people laughed as if they had just heard the punch line to the joke. Most people just looked confused.
“Bee is dating Niall,” Camilla said and pointed to Niall as if to prove her point.
“Then why was she kissing Harry?” Dee insisted.
I had never felt as vulnerable as I had at that moment. Everyone stared at me with varying degrees of shock and disbelief.
“Bee?” Camilla asked uncertainly.
Once again, I turned to Harry, wishing beyond belief that he would say something.
“Harry,” I prodded after he had been silent for a moment.
“Just tell them,” Harry said in a resigned voice. “Just fucking tell them, Bee.”
He shook his head, released Dee, and disappeared into his room. That was very fucking helpful you useless piece of—
So there I was, the center of attention to the entire party. The only people I really wanted to talk to were Niall, Camilla, and Milly. And possibly the rest of the Foxy Five and Big Titty Committee. It was no one else’s business. I kind of wanted to push Dee down the stairs, but that’s a different story.
“I’ll explain everything,” I began, “to the people involved.”
No one moved.
“Okay,” I said through clenched teeth. “Niall, Milly, Camilla, Karen, Jessica, Fiona, Liam, Louis, and Zayn, follow me.”
I received a few boos from the other people but who the fuck cares, am I right?
Dee followed us even though I hadn’t addressed her. Idiot.
We piled into his mom’s room because it was the biggest and because it was the farthest from Harry’s room.
“What the fuck is going on, Bee?” Jessica asked as soon as the door was closed.
I took a deep breath and tried to sort out my thoughts. What should I say? Should I tell them everything? Should I tell them about the first kiss? Or should I just tell them a synopsis? I was leaning towards synopsis because no matter what, Niall was going to be hurt if he knew I had kissed Niall before. And even though I wanted to be completely honest with Niall, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Okay,” I began. “Fuck.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Is there any way I can do this in, like, pairs or something?”
“Why?” Dee scowled.
“Because my priority right now is Niall,” I glared at her. I looked over at him and bit my lip. He looked just as confused as before but now the hurt had settled in. My heart hurt as I looked at him and I desperately wanted to run over and hold him.
“That’s very touching,” Jessica said icily. “But we’re all involved here.”
I begged to differ but I figured this was not the time to argue.
“Okay,” I started again. “A week or so ago, I took my dog to that fenced off area by the primary school.” I pointed in the general direction of the school and most people nodded. “I was letting him run free like a prized stallion.” I forced myself not to make jokes to try to ease my nerves. This was not the time. “Harry came by and we got to chatting. I don’t remember the specifics, but he ended up telling me that he had feelings for me.” There were gasps in the room, some glares, a few scoffs, and a few more blank expressions. “I got really mad at him. I yelled at him. I don’t even know why exactly I got so mad at him, but I was. So I yelled.” This pacified about two people but, still, two people is better than none.
“I went home and talked to Chase because I felt kind of bad. I mean, it’s not every day Harry announces he fancies you and then I just yelled at him. I don’t think it did much for him,” I frowned. “Chase told me I had to apologize. I wasn’t going to do it. If anything, I was going to wait to do it. But then I felt too guilty and Chase kept bothering me, so I went over to his house. His mom told me he was pretty upset but he agreed to see me anyway.”
Everyone stared at me with rapt attention. My heart hammered. I had decided not to tell them about the first kiss, but now that I was almost to the part of the story, I wasn’t so sure anymore. If I was going to put Harry on blast this that in front of his friends without him there to defend himself, I felt obligated to tell them the most accurate portrayal of what happened.
“So I apologized to him,” I said lamely. “I said some really mean things to him at the park and I had to set it right. I did. He told me he really did like me, but he also said he knew I was with Niall and he was glad I was with Niall.” I chanced a glance at him. His expression hadn’t changed at all. “He told me that Niall and I were good together and that we deserved each other.”
This was the moment. To tell them or not to tell them?
“We, um…we talked. We…you know…we sorted things out,” I said, my heart pounding so hard it hurt. “And we, um, decided on something.” Ohshitbloodyhell. “We agreed…we said one...one kiss and we would move on for good.” I was actually wheezing by the time I got the entire sentence out. My entire body felt like it was on fire and I wasn’t brave enough to meet anyone’s gaze. I was so ashamed and so disappointed in myself. There was a sharp intake of breath from a few people. I felt like I was about to cry. “So…we did it…just the once. It wasn’t long and that was it.”
I took a shaky breath. “We agreed to move on with our lives. And we did. Or at least, I thought we did. Harry started to date Milly and I thought that confirmed everything. And, honestly, I was so happy with Niall. Niall is the most perfect guy in the world and I’m grateful every day that he’s mine.” I hesitated, wondering if he was still my boyfriend. I still didn’t have the courage to look anyone in the eye. “Niall means everything to me. Everything. I never doubted he was the guy for me.”
It was dead silent for a second as I tried to regain my composure.
“Now, come back to tonight,” I said. “I had to pee but the downstairs bathroom was occupied so I used the one upstairs because I wanted to make sure I could find Niall before the new year hit. But when I opened the door, Harry was there. He told me a bit about Milly. Then he told me I had been avoiding him. Then he said he needed to do one more thing and then he’d really move on. So he kissed me, even though I tried to get away, but there are so many places you can go in a bathroom. So I shoved him off, but when I shoved him off, I saw Niall and Dee behind him.”
Silence. Absolute silence. I wanted to look around and see if I could spot a friendly face, but I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to find a friendly face. I didn’t know if I would be able to handle that.
“So…so you and Harry really did kiss?” Jessica asked. I nodded. “And it never occurred to you that kissing him might hurt some people?”
I didn’t know what to say to that. Of course it occurred to me. And there was no way to justify it.
Jessica and Karen left the room.
“So what am I exactly?” Milly asked. “A filler?”
“No—”
Milly left and Dee chased after her. I finally looked around the room. Fiona and Camilla were looking at me with helpless expressions which was more encouraging than I had anticipated.
“We’re going to, er, go check on Jess,” Fiona said uncomfortably.
They stood to leave and nudged Liam and Louis.
“Us, too,” they said.
“Right,” Zayn agreed.
Everyone left, leaving me alone with Niall. We said nothing and the silence was agonizing.
“Say something,” I pleaded.
“I’m hurt,” he responded immediately, as if he had been waiting for me to speak first. “I am.”
“I know,” I frowned.
“No,” he shook his head. “You don’t know. If you really knew, you never would have done anything with Harry.”
“I never wanted to hurt you,” I said.
“Well, at least that wasn’t your intention,” he said sarcastically. It was the most bitter and angry I had ever seen him. “Tell me, if I hadn’t caught you tonight, would you ever have told me?”
I hesitated before saying, “Probably not.” He nodded. “I didn’t see the point. I want you. You mean everything to me.”
“Then why would you kiss him?” he asked.
“I…”
“Yes?”
“Curiosity, maybe?” I spluttered. “All anyone ever talks about is freaking Harry and his kissing skills or his bedroom skills or his appeal to the ladies. I was curious. And a bit flattered, I suppose.”
“Wow. Thanks for holding me to such a high regard,” he scoffed.
“What? That’s not what I meant.”
“So Harry is your little ego boost while I’m just the guy you settled for? The guy that’s only in a relationship with you because of Harry?”
“No!” I cried.
“Do you know how fucking annoying it is to be his friend sometimes? Do you know how hard it is to be friends with someone who always wins? Who always gets what he wants? Do you know how bloody hard that is?” he fumed. I shook my head. “And then you came around and I thought I lucked out. Here’s this girl that is fit, funny, nice, and kind of weird, but best of all, she seems to despise Harry. You were different, Bee. You were different than all those other girls.”
“I am different,” I insisted.
“Just to find out you succumbed to his charm or whatever just like everyone else,” he shook his head.
“Niall,” I said firmly. “I love being with you. You are sweet, funny, charming, charismatic, Irish, musical, handsome, and just an all around great guy. You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel like…like I’ve never felt before. You do that. You’re the one. I fucked up. I really fucked up. And I would do anything to take it back and make it up to you. Anything. Just name it.”
“Honestly, Bailey, I just need time to think. I need time for myself,” he said. “Don’t call me. Don’t come round. Just leave me alone.”
“Niall,” I said desperately as he walked towards the door. “Niall, please don’t. Please.”
He slammed the door behind him.
I couldn’t breathe. I hunched over the bed as I tried to catch my breath but I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I felt tears trailing down my cheeks and I watched as they dropped from my cheeks and landed on the bed. I started to sob uncontrollably and it did nothing to help my breathing. I wheezed and gasped until I honestly felt like I was dying.
I felt an arm slip around my shoulders and I looked up hopefully. But it wasn’t Niall. It was Harry.
“No!” I screamed. “No!”
I punched him and pushed him but he kept his arm around me. I finally just gave up and collapsed into a heap on the ground, sobs shaking my entire body. Harry sat beside me, put an arm around my shoulders, and brought me close to him so I could cry into his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“You-you l-left me!” I wailed.
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
He continued to say “I’m so sorry” over and over again. He should be sorry. He should be so sorry. And even though I hated him, I was glad he was there. At least for the time being.
“I need to fix this,” I whimpered. “I need to make things right.”
“Me, too.”
“I need to go.”
“I’ll walk you.”
“No,” I snapped. “You will not.”
“You can’t walk home alone right now.”
I didn’t feel this warranted a response so I just left. He might have had a point but I would never admit that out loud. I was still crying, though without the wracking sobs. My vision was blurred and my head throbbed. I struggled to get down the stairs.
The fresh air felt nice as I stepped outside. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in hours. I gulped down the fresh air and tried as hard as I could to stop crying. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t have anywhere else to go, but I definitely did not want to go home. I had never been so miserable in my entire life. Well, except for maybe when I found out Mom had cheated on Dad. But this was a close second. I yearned to talk to someone or to have someone give me a hug. However, the only person that would both talk and hug me at the moment was the person that got me into this mess in the first place. So as hard as I tried to stop crying, I couldn’t. Because no matter how you spun it, I was screwed. And my heart hurt and I didn’t know what to do.
I eventually decided to head home because I literally had no other options. Hagrid cheered me up but it was temporary. I slipped my dress over my head and collapsed into bed with just my underwear on. Hagrid curled up beside me and I buried my face in his fur.
It took hours and off-and-on crying before I finally fell asleep.
I woke up about an hour ago. I don’t have any missed calls or texts. I don’t know what to do. Should I text Camilla at least? Or maybe Zayn? I don’t know how this works! I feel like I should break the tension with at least one person because this is our last day of break. I have to go to school tomorrow and face everyone and I don’t think I can do it.
God, I miss him already. I want to show up at his house and do this big grand gesture like they always do in eighties movies. Like show up with a giant boombox and hold it over my head outside of his window, or roll up on a lawn mower and ride away with him. But he explicitly told me to leave him alone.
Fuck, that hurts.
I’m freaking out. I’m going to give myself a hernia just thinking about it.
Okay, I’m going to go distract myself.