18 December, 2011
I woke up this morning with a start. I was extremely nervous though I couldn’t put my finger on why. I blinked a few times and reached for my phone. I unlocked it and remembered why I was so nervous when I saw I had an astonishing forty-two missed text messages and nineteen missed calls. I was panicked.
Did someone know about the kiss? Was Niall mad at me? Was everyone mad at me? Were they calling to yell at me or remove their title as my friend? It wasn’t my fault Harry kissed me! In fact, I think I handled everything really well, all things considered. And even though I really believed I was innocent, my hands shook as I started to scroll through texts.
It took me a minute or two but I finally calmed down. I was not in trouble. They weren’t going to yell at me. No one even knew about it. The only thing mentioned was from Harry himself who apologized a few more times and told me his head was clear now that he was sober and everything was cool.
The reason I had so many missed texts and calls was because of the shit that went down after I left. Even though everyone was asleep or, er, busy, there still managed to be a debacle. Jessica woke up to go to the bathroom at one point during the night and in her drunken stupor she walked back into the wrong room. Vivian and Jacob were going at it and, apparently, Jacob was Jessica’s date. Jessica was drunk and emotional and she yelled and screamed and cried and threw this whole big tantrum that woke the entire house. I was surprised no one mentioned a fight because I was sure that was going to happen. But Jessica just wound up crying in a corner while Niall and Zayn ushered Jacob and Vivian out. Then Fiona had to comfort Jessica for the next two hours.
Is it bad I’m glad I missed all of that?
18 December, 2011, five minutes later
I think I’m going to start a dream journal. Mostly because I’m too lazy to get out of bed right now, I have my notebook in my hand, and I have nothing else to report at the moment. So dream journal it is!
So I was back home in sunny California and I was at the beach. The whole gang was there, plus Rex, which is random. But anyway, we were at the beach and I decided to go surfing though I’ve never surfed in real life. I was a real pro in my dream. I was surfing for a few minutes and I caught this righteous wave. As I was casually riding this fifty foot wave, I looked around to see Niall and Harry surfing on either side of me. I smiled and waved and they smiled and waved and then we all smiled and waved some more. That’s when I saw the silhouette of a shark beneath our boards. In my dream I was somewhat of a shark whisperer and I knew that this shark was starving but he was only hungry for one person. He promised he would spare my life if I did the honors of choosing his meal. I looked between Niall and Harry, who were both still smiling and waving, and tried to decide which one should be fed to the shark. Then a sea turtle swam by and slapped the shark in the gills. The shark started to cry and he told me he would be back. Instead of getting out of the water or warning the boys to get out, I just continued to look between them, deciding who should be eaten so I would have an answer when the shark came back.
I think my subconscious is telling me to watch more shark shows. Or maybe it’s choosing a career for me. I can totally see myself as a shark tamer.
18 December, 2011, later
I spent a good portion of my morning lying in bed and calling people or texting people. I felt awkward with Niall on the phone for a minute but it was the most natural thing in the world to ease back into conversation with him.
After I was lazy all morning, I got out of bed and got ready. I asked Dad if he wanted to go to lunch with me and he was pleasantly surprised by the invitation. Psh, you’d think I never hang out with him. So we went to lunch and he told me all about work and updated me on Chase. Chase is now back in the US; New York, if I’m not mistaken. Then Dad asked me about my life. I gave him a pretty detailed account of my life, aside from certain things like drinking, kissing, Harry, and how much money I spent on the dance.
Now I’m back in my room. The gang has been posting pictures from last night so that’s entertaining. I looked foine last night. And by fine I mean I looked better than expected.
I did notice, however, that I kept flipping between two pictures, one of me and Niall and one of me and Harry. It’s not like I was comparing or anything.
18 December, 2011, later
I have seriously neglected Hagrid this weekend. I hope he still remembers me.
18 December, 2011, ten minutes later
He does. Now we’re cuddling on my bed. And by cuddling I mean I’m practically spooning him and lovingly pushing him back down on the bed any time he tries to leave. It’s love.
18 December, 2011, even later
I refused to believe that Hagrid was trying to leave because he didn’t want to be with me so I decided he wanted to go for a walk. Being the devoted master that I am, I put on some warm clothes and grabbed his leash. I was content when he started to jump around excitedly.
Hagrid and I strolled the streets and I felt powerful for some reason. Maybe because I was walking with a giant dog.
We went to the primary school because there was this fenced off area where I could take off his leash and he could run free. I closed the fence behind me and unhooked his leash. I didn’t even have to prompt him before he sprinted off. I watched in amusement as he sprinted the perimeter of the pretty large fenced off area over and over again.
“What are you feeding that poor dog?”
I yelped in surprise and Hagrid took a break from his incessant running to let out a half-hearted bark. I turned around and there was Harry.
“Kittens,” I replied.
Harry rolled his eyes and wiggled his way into the fenced off area. Harry likes cats. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what I was about to say. It was long overdue.
“I never really thanked you,” I admitted.
“Thanked me for what?” he asked.
“For Hagrid,” I shrugged. “I know it was you who told Niall.”
“Oh,” Harry said, his eyebrows rose slightly. “It was nothing.”
“No, seriously. It meant a lot to me.”
“I know,” he said casually. “And I’m glad you like it. But I happened to have just gotten off the phone with you when Niall called to ask advice on how to ask you. It was just good timing.”
“Oh.” I felt kind of stupid. Or a lot stupid. I had dwelled on this whole dog thing for so long and it was such a strong foundation for my “Harry is So Great” campaign. “People sure do call you for advice a lot.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I guess they do.”
Silence. Hagrid raced past us, came to a halt, backtracked, and gave Harry a kiss. Harry scratched Hagrid’s chin while Hagrid continued to kiss his hand. Then Hagrid decided he was done with that and took off again.
“Bee?”
“Hmm?”
“I know I keep saying this, but I really am sorry about last night,” Harry said. Instead of looking elsewhere like last night, his pretty eyes pierced into my very soul so that I had to look away.
“It’s cool,” I mumbled. “Don’t worry about it.”
“But I do worry about it,” he sighed. “Niall’s one of my best mates. And you do mean a lot to me. I don’t want to screw things up between anyone.”
“You’re not screwing things up between anyone,” I rolled my eyes.
He nodded with a troubled look on his face. Then he said, “But I might.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked impatiently.
“You really do mean a lot to me,” he said quietly but firmly. “I know you’re with Niall and I know you two are happy together. You two are really good for each other. I don’t expect anything to change, but there is something I want you to know. I fancy you, Bee. And not like Vivian or Jessica or whatever. I really do fancy you. Trust me, I’m not expecting you to leave Niall. I’m not expecting anything, actually. We can just keep going on like we always do. But I just wanted you to know.”
I stared at him and I found myself growing annoyed, which is a weird thing to feel after someone like Harry declares his feelings for you. But I was annoyed. What right did he have to fall for me? What qualities did I possess that would catch his attention? And I’m not even asking in a ‘fishing for compliments’ kind of way. I genuinely want to know.
I’m attractive, but I’m no where near as good looking as ninety-nine percent of the girls Harry has been with and dated in the past. I can admit that openly and without shame. I’m not that smart in anything but English and Music Theory. In his defense, those are some of the only classes I have with him, but still! I spent the majority of the first part of my time at school being tutored in two subjects! And Liam can attest to the fact that math is not my thing. I’m not charming or outgoing or easy to talk to. I’m awkward and shy. Despite the popularity of my friends, I myself am not popular, like, at all. In fact, did you know that not one other person has ever talked to me other than Vivian and Mindy? Not one. And think of all the people I’ve met at parties. So I know he’s not drawn to my social appeal. So why the hell would Harry “fancy” me?
For that matter, Niall shouldn’t even technically fancy me. But I don’t question him because we happened into our relationship by chance. We didn’t even date out of a mutual like for each other. We did it out of convenience for me.
So even though, deep down, I was giddy and flattered that Harry chose me to fancy, I was mostly just pissed.
“Yeah, well,” was my brilliant response.
“Are you okay?”
“Divine,” I snapped.
“You seem mad.”
“Why would I be mad?” I asked. Harry looked baffled. “You can’t just tell people you fancy them, Harry!”
“Whoa,” he winced. “I know. I’m sorry. But like I said, you can just ignore it. You can ignore me.”
“No,” I argued. “No I cannot. You are so…so…”
“Debonair? Charming? Sultry?” Harry suggested.
“Infuriating!” I cried.
“Did you say intoxicating?” he smirked.
Well I am just so glad he found humor in this situation. I took a threatening step forward and punched him hard in the arm.
“Ow,” he whined. “What was that for?”
“For being a wanker!” I insisted. “You can’t just manipulate people like that!”
“Wait, what are you talking about?” he frowned.
I honestly had no idea what I was talking about. The words poured out of my mouth on their own free will.
“Harry, you know the effect you have on girls. Don’t even try to deny it.” He didn’t. “You are a P-I-M-P pimp. That’s what you do. That’s who you are. I am not some token in your game!”
“What game?” he asked. He was getting annoyed now, too. Good! “Bee, this isn’t part of an elaborate plan. I really do fancy you.”
“HA!”
“I do.”
“You’ve never fancied someone before. Interesting that it just so happens to be the one girl you never laid,” I spat. Harry’s face tensed and his eyes hardened.
“That’s not true and you know it,” he said dangerously. “If that were the case, I would have tried something on Camilla a long time ago.”
“How do I know you haven’t?” I asked. I’m telling you, waterfall of words. I had no control over it.
“Because I would never do that to Liam,” Harry said, his voice rising in anger.
“Oh, but you would do it to Niall?”
“No!” he shouted. “I would not. If this was about sex, I wouldn’t even try with you. Honestly, sleeping with you would not be worth all this effort and elaborate planning. And it certainly wouldn’t be worth hurting Niall.” I was only distantly aware that his words stung me a little. “I have never felt like this about someone before. I’m new to this. So you’ll have to forgive me for fucking the entire thing up.” He was really mad now. He was taking measured breaths and he kept clenching and unclenching his hands. “I do like you. But if this is how you feel about me, then I take it back.”
He flung the fence open and slammed it shut behind him. I watched in stunned silence as he stormed back to his house, his hand deep in his pants pockets and his head hanging.
Then I just started to cry. I plopped down into the soft blanket of snow and cried and cried. Hagrid was a loyal dog and walked cautiously over to me with his own head hanging and his big brown eyes concerned. He nudged my face with his snout and then lay down beside me with his head on my knee.
I didn’t mean anything I said. I really didn’t. If nothing else, Harry really was my friend now and I knew he wouldn’t manipulate me or his other friends for something as stupid as sex. And if I had any doubts at all, I just had to think about last night. He wasn’t faking it. He wasn’t scheming. The misguided boy really did like me.
And I don’t even think I’m mad at him. I think I’m mad at myself. I’m mad that I’m so happy with Niall but I keep letting these images of me and Harry permeate into my thoughts. I keep thinking of our nice chats and laughs together. I think about how cute we look in pictures. And as selfish and superficial as it is, I think about how I’m the one he chose. Harry Styles chose me to fancy. How cool would it be to walk through the halls as Harry Styles girlfriend? The girl that tamed the boy that everyone thought couldn’t be tamed.
Then I remembered Niall. And Jessica. And everyone else that would straight up strangle me. Besides, like I’ve said a thousand times, I’m happy with Niall.
I was mad at Harry for confusing me and allowing me to hope something could happen between us but I was mostly mad at myself for contemplating the idea of something happening between us.
I was so confused and so guilty and I really just wanted to sit there in the snow and cry forever.
Then I got really cold. As dramatic as it would have been for someone to find me like that, I just didn’t have the endurance. I got to my feet ungracefully and reattached Hagrid’s leash. We went back home and I tried to drown my sorrows in a bath.
When that didn’t work, I pulled this out.
I feel really bad.
18 December, 2011, laterer
I keep forgetting to mention that we’re on break. I almost called it winter vacation but everyone calls it winter holiday here. So we’re on holiday until the new year. Now I have to figure out a way to make things right with Harry. At least I don’t have to face him until I’m good and ready.
I decided to get my mind off of things by video calling Chase. As busy as he is, he always seems to have time to chat. So I got onto Skype and clicked on his name. I told him a very condensed version of what happened while omitting any names.
“You yelled at this guy?” Chase asked incredulously.
“Maybe,” I mumbled.
“You can’t just yell at people that are vulnerable.”
“Okay, I know that now,” I snapped. “So what should I do?”
“Well you need to talk to that person,” he insisted. “Like right now. Go apologize.”
“How do I apologize without leading them on or whatever?”
“I think the possibility of them being led on by you is impossible,” he rolled his eyes. “I mean, you did just rip him a new one and all. I don’t think he expects much.”
“Okay, you’re not helping,” I frowned.
“I’m just being honest,” he shrugged.
“So I should just…go apologize?”
“Yes. Right now.”
“Right.”
“Right now.”
“Okay.”
“You’re not moving.”
“What, like right this second?”
“Yes, that’s what ‘right now’ means.”
“I can’t go right now,” I argued. It’s” —I checked the clock—“Oh, it’s seven.”
“Go.”
“Okay I’m freaking going,” I groaned.
I said a quick farewell and signed off. But instead of making this grand voyage, I just sat and stared at the computer screen. I couldn’t just go apologize. Chase sent me a text informing me that he knew I hadn’t left yet and that he would kick my ass if I didn’t leave. I scowled at the phone.
Whatever, I’m ignoring Chase and my better judgment. I’ll apologize tomorrow.
18 December, 2011, twelve minutes later.
OMG! I seriously cannot believe I forgot to talk about the highlight of most people’s lives. Warren Davis. Remember him? He came to school that Friday as planned. We did our performances for him. I will admit, it felt good singing in front of him. He conversed with Mr. Sharp and then handed the Foxy Five his business card. Then he handed us one, too. He told us to email him and he would be in touch. It was all very exciting at the time but it wound up being very anticlimactic. We emailed him as he asked but no one has heard anything back. That’s probably why I forgot to mention it until now. But his card still sits on my desk. So exciting.
18 December, 2011, two minutes later
I wonder what made me remember that…
I was thinking about apologizing to Harry and then I decided it could wait until tomorrow and then I started to think about all the signs Harry had given me and then—oh yeah! I thought about the way he looked at me when he sang More Than This for Warren.
Damn. Now I wish I didn’t remember that.
Maybe I should go apologize.
Is 7:15 too late to go over there? I’m sure they’re eating or settling down for bed or something. It would be rude to head over now.
18 December, 2011, one minute later
Okay I’m going! Jesus.
I think Chase is spying on me because I’ve received four more texts telling me to go. It’s like he doesn’t trust me or something.
18 December, 2011, later
Why do I listen to Chase? Since when do big sisters take advice from their little brothers?
I changed out of my bubblegum pink sweatpants into more subtle gray sweatpants and threw on my field hockey sweatshirt. It wasn’t like I was trying to impress him or anything, but I figured if I was going to interrupt his peaceful home life, I might as well throw on some makeup and do something productive with my damp hair. Then I slipped into some boots and told my dad I would be back soon.
You know how a walk of shame is normally referred to as the walk done the morning after sleeping with a guy? While that does qualify, I think the walk from your house to a guy’s house you verbally assaulted after he told you he fancies you can also qualify.
I dragged my feet through the snow and tried to think about what I was going to say once I got there. I stopped outside of his front door and braced myself. I even gave myself a pep talk. Then I knocked and waited. After a solid five seconds of no response I decided that I was indeed interrupting their life and that this was a bad time and I should leave immediately. I was already halfway down the walkway when the door opened behind me.
I don’t remember if I’ve talked about it before, but have I ever mentioned how hot Harry’s mom is? Because she is smoking hot.
“Bailey?” she asked.
“Hi,” I said shyly. I walked back to the door. “Is Harry here?”
“He is,” she frowned. My heart skipped a beat. Did he tell her about me? “He seemed upset when he got home earlier.” I must have looked extremely guilty. “He insists nothing is wrong, though.”
I let out a miniscule sigh of relief.
“Can I try talking to him?” I winced.
“I’ll ask him but I’m not sure,” she warned me.
“Okay,” I nodded.
The thirty second wait was agonizing. I promised myself I would never be mean to someone again just to avoid having to apologize. I started to feel even worse as time snailed by but finally I saw his shadow. I knew it was his shadow because of the hair. He didn’t look pleased to see me which I couldn’t blame him for.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked sheepishly.
He didn’t say anything but he stepped away from the door and beckoned for me to come in. Anne, Harry’s mom, offered us some snacks. We declined and she told us she was going to be making cookies in the kitchen if we needed anything. I had my suspicions that she only told us that so we knew she wasn’t listening in on us. I rather appreciated the sentiment so I smiled. She winked and smiled back.
Nor Harry or I said anything as we walked up the stairs to his room. He closed his bedroom door behind him and walked over to his bed. He plopped down and stared at me expectantly. I still hadn’t worked out what to say yet so I stalled by clearing a spot to sit on his desk chair.
“You come here to yell at me some more?” he asked after I continued to sit in silence.
“No,” I scowled. I remembered I was meant to be nice to him and I cleared my throat. “No. I did not.”
“Then why are you here?” he asked crossly which would have been disheartening if he hadn’t crossed his arms across his chest like a little kid.
“I came here to apologize,” I said. I figured it was best to be blunt about it.
“Go on,” he allowed. I clenched my teeth, knowing he wouldn’t make this easy but hating him for it nonetheless.
“I shouldn’t have said those things,” I said. I sighed heavily. “I didn’t mean them. I really didn’t. I hope you know that.”
“Then why would you say them?” he asked. The edge from his voice was gone. Now he just sounded hurt and curious. It didn’t make it any easier, let me tell you.
I didn’t want to tell him the truth—at least not yet—so I sighed again.
“I guess I just freaked out,” I said half-truthfully. “I never thought Harry Styles was capable of falling for someone and imagine my surprise when that someone turned out to be me.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Harry said bitterly. He scooted back onto his bed so that he was leaning against the headboard and facing me straight on.
“No, I think I give myself plenty of credit,” I argued. “It just doesn’t make any sense for you to fancy me.”
“Why not?”
I blinked.
“What do you mean?”
“Why doesn’t it make sense for me to fall for you?” he challenged.
“Can we not have a confidence seminar right now?” I rolled my eyes. “I’m trying to have a conversation here.”
“So am I,” he said. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t like you and I’ll stop. Because clearly you think there’s something about you that I don’t know about that would repel me.”
I’m not sure I liked his tone.
“You didn’t even know I existed the first few days of school even though we had three classes together,” I reminded him.
“I knew you existed,” he said but he didn’t say anything else which kind of proved my point.
“None of you would have ever talked to me if it weren’t for Camilla,” I went on.
“That’s probably not true,” he said indignantly but I think you’ll forgive me for not being entirely convinced.
“The only reason even Camilla talked to me and invited me to hang out with her was because of pity,” I continued. And because I secretly tutored her.
“I’m sure that wasn’t the case.”
“I’m sure it was,” I shrugged. “I’m glad you all took me under your diamond encrusted wing and all but I’m not like the other girls you’ve been into in the past.”
“Uh, yeah,” he said pointedly.
“Shh, I’m trying to prove my point,” I told him. “I’m not the prettiest or the smartest or the funniest or the nicest, as we established earlier.” He pursed his lips. “By all accounts, I’m completely ordinary. And compared to other girls you’ve had in your life, even within the last couple of months, I’m entirely underordinary.”
“I don’t think that’s a word.”
“My point is that I didn’t know how to handle you claiming to fancy me. I can’t get my mind around it.’
“You don’t have to be able to get your mind around it for it to be true,” he said. “And, you’re right, you’re not like any other girl I’ve been with before. That’s the appeal, Bee. You’re not caught up in your looks and you’re not obsessed with hooking up with guys just to prove to yourself that you’re worth something. You don’t rely on the opinions of guys at all. I mean, look at you. You wore sweatpants and a dirty jumper to apologize to me.”
I looked down. I was not aware my jacket was dirty.
“It’s refreshing to be around a girl who doesn’t give a shit about the norm.”
“I think you’re forgetting that I’m new to this whole continent and I don’t even know what the norm is.”
“Maybe,” he shrugged. “Doesn’t make it any less appealing. Besides, what other girl do you know that would dedicate her time and attention to helping a ten-year-old boy at an ice rink that was being bullied? I mean, they might try to stop the bullying, but who would invite the little boy to sit with us?”
“Probably a lot of people.”
“Probably no one,” he insisted. “I don’t even think I would have done that.”
“I’m sure you would have,” I countered.
“Did you know that I see him sometimes on my way to school?” he asked.
“I was not aware, no.”
“I do. Sometimes when I pass the primary school I’ll run into him. The first time I saw him, he was being picked on by those same guys. You know what I did?” I shook my head. “I almost just walked by. I didn’t even think about it or him. But then he saw me and waved and I remembered how excited he was to sit with us at the rink and how hopeful his eyes were that morning. And he was just looking at me. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t just walk away. So I walked over to him and said hi. All the bullies looked at me with this weird look on their face as I talked to Gus. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that good about myself. And it wasn’t even something I did. Not really. It was something you did.”
I opened my mouth to say something but Harry said, “Shh. I’m trying to make a point here.” I stuck my tongue out at him and he cracked a smile. “Now whenever I see Gus I try to talk to him or at least just wave. Who waves at kids in primary school?”
“Parents, pedophiles,” I listed. He smirked. “Good people.”
“Right,” he rolled his eyes. “That’s not even the point. The point is that you’re notlike the other girls. But why is that a bad thing?”
“I never said it was a bad thing,” I said. “I just think you have me all wrong sometimes.”
“And I think you have me all wrong sometimes,” he shrugged.
“So I guess we have each other all wrong,” I reiterated.
He chuckled. Then he looked down at his hands and got all serious. He looked back up.
“I just hope you know me well enough now to know that I wouldn’t manipulate you. I would never do that.”
“I do know that,” I said softly. It was my turn to look at my hands. “I really do.”
“Good.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Is it going to make me feel like shit?”
“No,” I snapped. He grinned and shrugged. “When did you start feeling this way?”
He looked contemplative.
“I got a confusing pitter patter in my heart at the whole Gus thing,” he mused. “That confusing pitter patter got worse when you started to date Niall. Then it grew and grew. The hockey uniform didn’t hurt.” I gave him a look and he smirked. “You were actually part of the inspiration for More Than This.” He said it so casually but I felt like my actual brain and ovaries and heart had actually exploded. The song I loved so much was inspired byme. Fucking me?! “But only very loosely.” Whatever, I’d take it. “But I think I really started to fall for you that day on the swingset.”
“When we had our first real talk,” I recalled.
“You were so sad but you didn’t want me to know you were sad,” he said. Damn. My cover was blown. “Then I heard that you and Niall had slept together and it did something to me. I know I didn’t have a claim over you but it got to me. Especially hearing about it the day after the swingset.” He bit his lip thoughtfully and I tried really hard not to stare. “Obviously I figured out you hadn’t. And then you were gone from school and I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what to do. Then I saw you at my house with Niall. It was all very confusing and it kind of hurt but it only added to my intrigue. I never knew what to expect from you.”
I had never thought of my eccentricities as endearing.
“Were you mad at me earlier today?” he asked. “I mean, if you knew I wouldn’t do that to you, were you really mad?”
“No,” I shook my head. “At least not at you.”
“Then at who?”
“Myself I guess.”
“Why would you be mad at yourself?”
“Because I was confused.”
“Why would being confused make you mad at yourself?”
“You ask a lot of questions.”
“Just trying to figure you out.”
“Good luck with that,” I snorted. “Let me know what you find out.”
He smiled.
“I will,” he promised.
“Excellent,” I said, not sure what else to say, or if there was anything left to say. “So we’re good, right? No hard feelings?”
“We’re good,” he nodded. “Sorry again for complicating your life. And although you may not agree, I am glad I told you.”
“I’m glad too, I guess,” I said and then grinned. “You do know you could have any girl you wanted, right?”
“False.”
“Accurate.”
“Well, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Do that.”
“I will.”
“Okay then.”
“Do you always have to have the last word?”
“No.” He cocked an eyebrow at me. I ignored him.
It was then that I realized I was trying to get the last word because I was trying in vain to prolong the conversation. I could tell we had nothing left to say and I knew it was only prudent that I should go back home soon. But I was rather enjoying our banter and I had fun with Harry. I was about to say something else that was pointless and would lead no where but I didn’t have to.
“Can I ask you something now?” Harry asked.
“Will it make me freak out and yell at you?”
“I don’t think so but you never know with you,” he laughed. True. “Last night, in the kitchen. We kissed.”
“I think it’s more accurate to say you kissed, but yes, go on.”
He gave me a look and I smiled innocently.
“Did it…I mean…did you want to kiss me at all? I mean, not like last night. But from the moment you met me, was there ever a time you wanted to kiss me?”
This felt like a trap. And I was prepared to lie to his face but my anatomy was incapable of lying so my face turned bright red. I tried to hide the raging blush but any blusher can tell you that there is no good way to hide a blush. I tried to make eye contact with Harry but I was still aware of my burning face.
I think he had his answer.
Bastard.
“Was the kiss last night nice?” he asked after I hadn’t responded for a solid minute. I wanted to punch him in the throat.
“It caught me off guard,” I responded truthfully.
“I noticed,” he said. “Which is why I wanted to clarify that last night was not the best reflection of my skills. I do not want you to get the false impression.”
“That’s very thoughtful,” I said sarcastically.
“I’m just saying,” he shrugged and leaned back against his headboard. A moment of silence. “Do you ever think about kissing me still?”
And my blush had just started to subside.
Bastard, bastard, bastard.
“No,” I forced myself to say. It was one thing to have wanted to kiss him, but wanting to kiss him now was different. Too bad I was about as convincing as a…something that’s not very convincing.
“Bee?”
“What?”
“I know you’re with Niall. And I know you’ll stay with Niall. That’s fine. You two deserve each other,” he said. I waited. “I think the only reason you think about kissing me is because you haven’t done it yet. It’s intriguing. And I know that it would be harder for me to move on without ever really kissing you.”
“What are you saying?” I asked though I knew exactly what he was saying.
“One kiss. Me and you, just one kiss. Then we can go back to our lives. No one will ever know. It’ll be like it never happened. It’s just something that both of us need to move on.”
“That sounds like a line,” I said. He big blue eyes saddened and I recovered quickly. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him again. “It just feels kind of wrong.”
“I understand.”
Silence. Agonizing silence. The kind of silence you wish would cut a hole into the ground so you could jump into it and disappear.
“Do you really think it would help us move on?” I asked naively.
“Maybe,” Harry shrugged, clearly not even convinced himself. “But at least we would never have to wonder what if.”
“And no one knows?”
“No one.”
“Like…no one?”
“No one.”
“Just once?”
“Yes, just the one time.”
“And then we move on.”
“It never happened.”
“This still feels wrong.”
“It does.”
“But we’re doing it anyway, aren’t we?”
“I think so.”
I stood up from my seat and jumped and shook out my arms and legs. I was really jittery and I didn’t know what else to do.
“Okay, turn out the lights,” I instructed.
“Why?”
“Because I need the lights out,” I insisted. Harry stood up and shut the lights off. The only light in the room was from his phone charger. Just a small green dot amongst total darkness. “Where are you?”
“Back at the bed.”
“Guide me with your voice.”
“You know, this could have been easier with the lights on.”
“Shut up. I already found you.”
I sat down on the bed as Harry guided me.
“Okay, hello?”
“I’m right here, Harry.”
“Oh, yes.”
His hands found my face. At first his hand was plastered to the front of my face with his palm on my nose and his fingers grazing my eyelids. He adjusted his hand so that he cradled my neck and his thumb brushed against my cheek.
My heart pounded so hard that I was confident he heard it or felt it. This felt so wrong but I wanted it to happen. I wanted to kiss him so bad and this was my one and only shot.
I was a bit surprised when his lips met mine. Not because I wasn’t expecting it but because his aim was flawless. My eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness yet so I found it impressive that he landed his lips squarely onto mine on the first try.
After the initial shock of the aim wore off, I realized the whole point of this kiss was for me to respond this time. I rested one hand on his knee and the only on his side. I responded to the kiss and knew immediately this was really, really wrong. This was a terrible idea. It wasn’t curing me of my desire to kiss Harry. It left me longing for more.
You can’t just let a girl kiss someone like Harry Styles and then expect them to just move on with their fuh-reakin’ lives. It doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.
Because when Harry’s soft lips massage against yours, and he uses his hand to brush your hair out of your face, and he sucks on your bottom lip in a non-sexual way that is entirely sexual, you can’t just walk away from that. You just can’t.
And it wasn’t even so much the actual kiss that enticed me—although it goes without saying that that simple kiss was easily one of the best kisses I had ever had—but the way I felt while kissing him. It scared me, and I’m not sure if it was a good or bad scare.
He pulled away and leaned his forehead against mine. I was glad I turned off the lights because I knew my expression would have betrayed me. I didn’t want to leave but I wanted to flee as fast as I could all at the same time.
“There,” he said in a weird tone. “All taken care of.”
“Yeah, all done with that.”
He removed his forehead from mine but we continued to sit there in the dark. The longer I sat there, the more I knew I would cave in and kiss him again and that was the last thing I needed.
“I guess I should get going,” I said and I didn’t even try to hide my disappointment.
“Yeah,” he said, his tone like mine.
“I’m glad we’re good,” I said.
“Me too. Niall is lucky to have you.”
Just twist the freaking knife, Harry. Just freaking twist it.
“Thanks. See you around.”
I half ran, half galloped towards the bedroom door. It was a struggle to locate the doorknob but once I found it, I bolted. I was too overwhelmed to remember my manners so I just waved to Anne as I headed towards the front door.
I ran back home and my dad looked really concerned when I burst into the house. I told him I was fine. I told him I decided to go for a run because I felt guilty for not running much since hockey ended. Then I told him I was more out of shape than I realized. I must have looked pretty haggard because he accepted this response fairly quickly.
I threw myself onto my bed and screamed into my pillow.
I freaking hate boys. And I hate hormones. Maybe I should try to get that music contract thing and then get away from all of this. Oh yeah, because that would solve everything.
I hate Chase. This is all his fault.