Song for the chapter: Three doors down - Here without you
***
Someone shakes me while I gain conscious.
"Liv." It's Alice. I sit up suddenly feeling very disoriented and dizzy looking at her sunken face, every part of my body was heavy and numb."Drink this." she encouraged by touching a cold glass of water to my forearm but I avert my eyes around.
"Where am I?" I asked her groggily sitting up slightly, trying to tame my hair with my hands. Then I remember what happened when I see myself in the living room."Zayn..." I feebly whimper, putting my hands over my face.
Oh God. When will this stop?
"I'm so sorry Liv." she barely spoke and it felt like she was far away.
Mumbling incoherently, I shrink back in the sofa, too overwhelmed to sit up properly. With crinkled eyebrows and in a frown twisted mouth I stared up at the ceiling, my heart gradually slowing down in my chest.
This had to be some kind of nightmare.
I couldn't name what emotions cursed through me at that moment because they changed every minute. Denial was the strongest one. Then came insanity, and lastly numbness.
"No, no. If I don't see him, I won't believe." I whispered my whole body jerking as the panic I feel still hadn't faded and when I look at her she gave a sympathetic stare, but I knew it was strained.
There's a loud crash and we both moved our heads and saw from the opened door that Liam destroyed a vase on the hall. Louis, Niall and Harry looked like they were trying to talk him into something but I didn't know what.
The way Liam was throwing his arms around and speaking loudly told me he was not pleased about it.
"Who called Liam?" I mumble tiredly, having to distract myself from my thoughts.
"Liv you aren't-"
"Who. Called. Him?" I sternly asked but with a wavering voice. She sighed.
I had to know as much as I didn't believe it.
"Some of their man who had successfully wired inside the gathering where the gangs met for...uh..." she hesitated,"you know." she quietly explained not meeting my eyes."He heard by accident." she began with a very sad voice, "But he came in too late." A gasped forced my eyes to close because of the stinging sensation on the middle of my chest. "They..t-the-ey threw his body in a river." she whimpered, my eyes welled up with tears but I shake my head frantically.
"No." I cried my voice taking on hysteria as my eyes almost popped out of my skull, my voice wasn't mine, this moment wasn't happening."He will be back." I nod to myself. "He promised me... H-he said he would always come back to me if I wait for him." I robotically mumbled, Alice seemed dazed while her teary eyes bored into me. "He did." I exclaim sternly and ran away after noticing her mortified expression.
Once in my room I finally decided that I would leave thinking about what I should do, how to feel or where to search for him and come back to it later, after I'd taken a shower and cleared my head. If anything, it would help me to relax and unwind before I made any brash decisions one way or the other.
I'm not sure how long I stayed under the stream of water, but it was long enough for the thoughts that had been plaguing me to disappear temporarily and that was good enough for me. My curls were weighed down by the water that soaked through my hair and my skin was tinged a light shade of pink by the time I got out of the shower and I noticed a towel was neatly folded and sitting on the sink counter, I take it wrapping it on my body then ventured to my room.
I wear some black leggings and a big jumper that came down to my knees. It belonged to Zayn and smelled like him.
+
I'm in Zayn's office just so I can have something of him.
His drawers were open and I go through them quickly with my trembling body that didn't stop since the second I got those news.
I feel guilt, my stomach churns and I couldn't breathe steadily. I got reminded of how I wanted to ask for Zayn to leave the gang, it turns out he already was thinking it himself. If I had known I would have never entertained that thought, I'd beg for Zayn not to feel forced to do this, I would accept everything the way it was just so I could run my hands through his hair and hold him to my chest...
My fingertips feel something hard amongst some notebooks and letters, I frown while inspecting it closely.
There's a black photo album, it looked worn out, old and dusty.
I look through it a little surprised when I'm seeing Zayn's family and some of his childhood pictures. It calmed me and distracted me long enough.
The photos were taken in this mansion and in that safe villa...?
When I look at the date it always was during summers.
He looked so sweet and innocent as a child and his mother was a very beautiful woman.
There were sometimes two men in the pictures that resembled Zayn, the lines of their faces almost the same, maybe his grandfather and father.
I wonder what happened to them?
Seeing as Zayn is running this business alone, they are probably dead too.
Intrigued I kept looking at them, wishing Zayn would be here by my side.
There's even a late picture.. A polaroid. Maybe a year old because of his long hair. His back was turned not aware of it being taken but you could still see his face, blank expression, smoke blowing from the cigarette he had tucked in his lips.
The beating against my chest suddenly stopped for a second, and I felt warmth spread across my body, igniting me to burst into sobs. The pain was indescribable. It wrenched me from the inside out and even the loud noise of my sobbing did nothing to cover it. I pulled my knees closer to my chest, head leaning to the recliner seat, my body shaking with every tear that dared to escape from my eyes. I tried to take in a distorted breath, but it did nothing of what I hoped, simply causing me to choke up. It hurt to look at him, to notice the small things that held little relevance before.
This picture was the only one I have...
"You're still here. I can feel it." I whimpered loudly, "Have I gotten insane? Zayn why do I feel like you're alive?" I pathetically asked with a grimace, gripping the polaroid."You ruined me." I sobbed, "You knew what would happen. You knew what it would do to me and did it without thinking about me. Do I mean nothing to you?" I'm not making sense but in an insane way I felt better."Do I mean that little that you could hurt me with this cruelty?" I touch the picture tenderly, wanting to feel him for real. Then I clutch it to my chest.
Seconds, minutes maybe hours pass and once I closed my eyes I could see his rare smile, or only his golden eyes, the streaming tears never ceased.
//
A light touch to my shoulder made me jump up and look around in terror.
Blazing green eyes were on me I instantly relaxed.
"What?" my voice was scratchy from all the crying I did, squinting my eyes open at him.
"I'm taking you home." Harry replied.
"I want to see it with my own eyes, only then I will leave." I seethed back. Resting his hands on the desk close to me, he sighed heavily sitting on the edge of it. Harry was looking at my hands that were holding Zayn's picture in a death grip.
"It's dangerous to be around us for now." he tiredly countered with a shrug darting his eyes to hold my gaze. I rub on my damp cheeks before sniffling, averting my eyes around."I will tell you everything." he rasped lowly with his thick voice."But then you will leave."
"I-"
"If we find his body I will personally come for you and bring you to him." he stated calmly.
"He's not dead." I wailed, horrified for a second that he could ever say that or believe it. He gave me an incredulous stare but sighed aggravated.
"If we find him then." he scratched his neck.
It was still a bit odd to see him sporting a bun better than I could ever, his cheekbones and jaw line were very outstanding, also he was being so nice.
"You're nice with me...why?" I exhale shakily, here and there tears spilling on my cheeks. It looked like my body is processing and accepting that I could no longer feel Zayn physically but not my brain. No. It refused to think it was true.
"You were nice to me in the beginning too, remember?" he replied after a moment, his voice husky, dark with an unspoken emotion, eyes falling down to the ground.
It takes me good minute to understand what he was hinting at. Then it came down at me.
On the few first encounters we met, Zayn had punched him and his nose broke which had it bleeding because Zayn's name slipped out of him in accident. Then I had put it back in place and stopped the bleeding.
He hadn't forgotten that, and now he's grateful.
"You saved me the other day again."
"It was my fault." I mumble, though I can see where he's coming from. He shrugged it off and shook his head.
"I have asthma. I had the attack exactly when we had the car accident began and when I broke the windshield I was under panic." he told me lowly. Of course it bothered him to reveal his weakness but I had a feeling that he had asthma after his tracheotomy."That-"
"Caused your struggle to breathe." I ended.
He hummed, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here now."
Then Harry begins telling me from everything from the beginning, how Zayn's grand, grand father had formed the gang after world war two ended. I'm interested and slightly gob-smacked about what he's telling me. Zayn's past wasn't something I knew good and to be honest it felt like I was betraying him by finding out like this.
I wanted him to tell me.
When it was time for his grand father to be the leader things got twisted, his mother got killed in a gang war, where their enemy closed her in her house back in Bradford and burned her alive. Not long after they killed his grandfather too. Instead of the gang falling on Zayn's father's hands, the pain of losing his wife made him escape somewhere. Zayn was thirteen when he had to be in charge like he had confessed to me, if he wouldn't have then they'd kill him or took all he had to leave him live on the streets. The rest of the gang came eventually, first Liam, he was with him from the beginning along with Louis, Harry and Niall made it as gangster only years later.
So up until when he was thirteen Zayn lived in Bradford with his mum and dad, his grandparents were the ones living in Moscow seeing as his grandmother was Russian. They spent the summers here.
That pressure down my throat that hurts and wants to choke me was never releasing me, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How cruel could someone be to put his own child in the head of a mafia? The image of a young boy who was probably scared and still grieving for his mother was engraved in my brain. He probably didn't want to, and he didn't deserve any of those things, more so to die...
'He is not dead.' I can't help but scream inwardly.
To hear it from someone appeared like it was a movie and not someone's life, that hurt me and made me sad too.
I don't know why Harry is telling me from then, but I guess he wants me to know the whole story.
Soon he tells me about some complications that seemed to happen lately, like they have been in many dangerous situations too often. I had no clue at what this part of story would lead but the rough gut churn leaded to something that had to do with me.
"We thought it was a snitch, y'know? Like it always is. But the places we got attacked were too random and no one besides us knew where we were at that time." he began, I listen intrigued, thinking about how Zayn got shot in the cafe... "When we found out who it was, Zayn took matters in his hands and came up with-"
A bullet shot made us flinch. We're both taut, Harry over-anxiously scanning out of the door, hands placed on the top part of the door.
"Stay here." Harry called and pulled a gun from his back, running downstairs.
What is now?
The things Harry told me, furled my stomach with the heavy nauseting feeling I haven't felt for a while. As if he was wanting to confess something really bad that'd be the last straw and I would completely lose it.
It just certainly didn't help make things any clearer...
There's noises coming from downstairs, I was waiting for anyone to come and explain it to me or help me get out of here. I curl to myself on the big black leather seat.
But then the sounds ceased.
The room was too still. The silence was too empty. It felt sort of horrifying, as if I've been alone the whole time, and I just imagined that scene.
The door is kicked open, my face turns pale as I scramble on my feet.
Three men, one of who was Damian stare at me cunningly. He had a suit on, hair slicked back apart from a few strands that made him look menacing and demented. On his face you could spot some bad scars, the side of his lip was down and ended abruptly. His stare savage, posture stiff even if he was short.
I look around trying to find an escape but one of the younger men scurried to me and grabbed me harshly to him, unrelentingly bruising my arms. Immediately I try to shove the man who was holding my arms behind my back but it's a futile attempt.
Where is the gang?
"Nakonetsto." Damian sickeningly said to his men with a very satisfied expression aimed at me.
What?
My face nearly hurt from the glower I was throwing him while I stomp my feet and move forward, wriggling my arms, but it's doing nothing to escape from him.
"Why are you here?" I shout with a shrill voice.
"Not only did I kill him, but everything that belonged to him will be mine." he told me with a vile smirk that made me want to vomit.
I sobbed and shrieked, harshly thrashing while wailing in protest to those words.
Why is everyone telling he's dead? I don't feel it. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
I want Zayn back.
"Ona prinesyot nam krupniye denjgi." the man who was holding me with a struggle suddenly said to Damian.
"Posle tovo kak ona bila moyey." The youngest spoke for the first time, he was brunette and had mad eyes. He's standing next to Damian eyeing me with a perverted stare.
"Terpenie." Damian shoot him a assuring stare.
I had a feeling they were talking about me...and I could tell they were not good things.
"Vsyo so vreminyem moi sin." he patted the younger guys shoulder.
Then Damian walked closer until he's in front of me.
"You sick bastard. Burn in hell!" I shout enraged. I couldn't just stand there.
He took Zayn from me.
When he touched my hair I get rigid, "Don't you touch me. Somebody help me!" I tried to kick anyone never succeeding.
What if he killed everyone?
Oh no, Alice...
"You're alone," his old raspy voice snarled, "No Zayn, no help." he mocked his calloused fingers locked on my jaw uncompromisingly."I told that boy you would be his end, but he didn't hear. It was very satisfactory to see Zayn writh for his life." his thick accent broke through the whole time, "His last words were your name." he chuckled dryly, eyes gleaming darkly.
There's only so much my soul could take, my eyes bulged and I could hear my heart shatter, fat tears pour down my cheeks, I felt so warm like I was boiling. I scream until my voice was hoarse and my throat hurt to not hear his disgusting voice, I couldn't take it.
"It went in vain because now you're my possession, under my mercy."
I looked up at him, my anger slowly being replaced by a sudden fear when I saw his dark eyes from up close for the first time. Shivers ran through my body, my knees growing weak from under me. I knew he was up to no good, this man had always wanted to hurt Zayn and I would figure it all out sooner than later.
His rancorous look wandered to the tall guy who was holding me, tilting his head a time.
I yelped when I felt a small prick in my hip before a sense of warmth spread through me, "Uhm, what-t...no." I whimper trying to get the feeling back in my jelly joints because I'm not sensing my own body but it's worse I lay limp, having my vision turn to blurred shapes, whiteness then abyss.
*a.n/ I'm interested on your theories... Thanks for reading, vote please.
Shoutout to @CrazyMofoKitten for helping me with the Russian words you go girl. x