Song for the chapter: Rihanna-Rehab
*a.n/ From now on I'll dedicate the chapters to those who comment because it's easier that way to choose. (Don't forget to vote too though. Please.)
***
I rose from the bed as a strike of light entered through the cracks in the curtains, illuminating throughout the room. Rubbing at my sleepy eyes, I laid my head back on the pillow, gazing up at the ceiling.
My hand patted the place next to me blindly when I didn't feel Zayn, already seeking for his warmness. Well the lack thereof anyway, it took a good few moments to realize that I was completely alone.
I call out his name a few times but don't get anything in response. Maybe he's smoking or found the same shop I did. I drag myself out of my bed put my hair in a messy bun, pulling up a pair of sweats then ventured to the kitchen rummaging through kitchen cabinets to find something edible when my eyes caught sight of a small piece of paper which was in front of a plate with chocolate muffins.
*Enjoy after breakfast babe. Had to leave. x*
I smile and blush at his thoughtful gesture. He knew that I had a sweet tooth.
//
I'm getting worried that Zayn hadn't returned. The afternoon went away fast and I thought that he might have had some things to catch up on. I wanted to asked him if we needed to stay here some more. I had completely forgotten that this was a safe house and I'm frightened because it's been hours since then as I'm waiting and watching some Tv, the muffins were long munched down and the living room was quite chilly.
The dinner was ready, I had prepared some mash potatoes with beef and some green beans.
Besides that there's a slight unnerving feeling in my stomach, I'm still in a comforting mind state of happiness that I can't explain.
The doorbell broke through my mind that was in an abyss where I couldn't stop thinking about Zayn.
I skirt through the hall that lead towards the front door smiling brightly.
"You're finally here, where were you? I was worried. Now that you're here we can eat. The food is cold but I can heat it-" I rambled, relieved that he was okay. However my words stuck on my throat when the door is open completely, to reveal Harry throwing me a deep frown.
"Don't look so surprised." he mocked.
"Why are you here and where's Zayn?" I frown at him."He's not hurt is he?" my eyes widen. I'm totally flabbergasted. He was the last person I expected to be here right now.
"No he isn't hurt. I'm bringing you home." was his reply, with a hand he pushed his long hair back up. "His orders, this is all I know."
"I'll wait for him and then we can go." I mumble stubbornly. There's got to be reason and I want Zayn to tell me. Something had happened to change my location again.
"I have strict orders to bring you home." he muttered, his eyelids look drowsy.
I sighed gripping the door as I lean on it, "Which home?" my eyebrow quirked.
"Back to London. Are you really that stupid or only acting? He doesn't want you anymore. If he would come back, he would have been here by now." he calmly told me like he didn't just teared my heart apart. Shock consumed my entire being.
"What are you saying?" I muttered hotly. He eyed me pitifully with a look that meant just one thing.
He left me.
"No. I-I don't believe you. What..." I look through Harry trying to find something I missed. But all I could remember is how happy Zayn had been. Also the breakfast note...
What's Harry saying then? He must be mistaken but that didn't stop my body to tremble.
"And because he predicted that you'll act like this he made me tell you." he countered. He expects me to just take it as it is. I'm seeing his eyebrows falling down into a very deep frown lips pursing to a line.
There was something off about Harry. Nothing added up, and he seemed hesitant every time he spoke. I stood still for a moment. My eyebrows furrowed together as I thought through what had happened.
I couldn't believe the words he had spoken. It was almost like a blow to my chest, and it only took me a brief moment to process them.
"I told you he's only using you." he added gently."Listen to me I'm not fucking around. It's better this way." he said with a clipped tone. Since when is Harry nice?
"Stop talking." I choke barely. "You don't know anything about us-" I wanted to correct him but he interrupted me.
This was too much.
"I know him Olivia, more than you ever will." he shouted back. He used my name for the first time."I tried to warn you." his tone got more calm.
"Thank you, really I appreciate it so much." I yell sarcastically, rubbing my chin."All you ever did was make me feel embarrassed and guilty for wanting him." I bit back pointing my finger in accusation at his direction."Why would you help me?"
"You didn't deserve this." he rasped lowly, he lowered his emerald eyes. "Sorry for telling you in this way."
"No you're not." I spat in a harsher sounding tone. Is this some sort of joke? Harry is apologizing after he ripped my heart with those words that supposedly came from Zayn.
"Don't blame me, blame him." he always had a response hadn't he? I put my hands on my waist, breathing shallow and in quick breaths while I frantically look around.
What is happening?
"Accept it and move on." he calmly insisted. I squinted my eyes in disbelief, he scoffed at my behavior, "Did you really think you can rely on him? I thought you were smarter." he lectured me looking me down. "Do you think you're the first one he convinced with words? Just to fuck chicks he would tell them they were different." his facial expression showing more than his words. I gasped, suddenly I couldn't breathe properly as the pressure was getting more stuffier on my chest. Why is he telling me this? "He fucked two sisters around the same time and when they found out he managed to make them fight against each other for him. And do you want to know what he did then? He had a threesome with some other random girls just to spite them." his voice sounded honest and the bile on my throat rose, my eyes pinched with unshed tears. Harry showed no sorrow, no sympathy while he told me these outrageous things. "Men like us tell you what you want to hear when we're looking for a quick fuck because we like to blame everyone for our shitty life and deceive others. After we get what we want-"
"Harry shut up." I whimper loudly. To say that his blunt words hurt would be a lie. They killed. I felt dead on the inside, and I hated myself for it. I even have time to feel a sickening jealousy because to me he was the only one. How many woman has Zayn sexually been involved with?
I can't believe Zayn would do that... I refuse to believe that he used same tricks to get me like he did with them. I stubbornly try to deny that he left me like this.
But after I look through different angles there's no other reason that suits the situation better than Harry's that Zayn isn't here right now. He disappeared for the day.
Have I ever known the real Zayn? Is there any time that he was honest?
Harry's little mock stories hurt me so much, but I'm not crying, I'm feeling nothing.
"At least it's over. You're returning home." he said smoothly.
Which didn't make sense.
I eyed Harry with distaste my head began to shake while sternly gazing at him. There was no point to struggle against this truth. I was destroyed, and being stripped of my free will again, ordered and pushed away, something I should have seen coming but still felt like a giant bolt of lightning being plowed through my chest. I rubbed my hands against my face, my breath coming out in pants as I could feel the hysteria working its way through my body, "I don't understand." I cried, pulling my hair, "I don't get it, what's going on?" Was all I said in response, my eyes now focused on the blue carpet on the floor. I notice Zayn's necklace hanging down to my stomach which made my stomach churn with formed memories that it brought me back.
Harry didn't say a word, though I needed to hear words of encouragement from anyone right now, that I will be okay, that this feeling would pass. I couldn't accept it. Up until hours ago I was safely tucked in Zayn's arms, I had been so joyful, I would've given anything to keep feeling the beating of his heart deep down his bones, to sleep on his chest and wake up from this nightmare... But every time I think about Zayn now there's a sharp pang running through my chest. There's things I remember us doing and suddenly his anxious behavior made sense. But if he couldn't wait to leave, why was he holding me desperately all night? There is not a single thing that makes sense nor fits Harry's words and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want the tranquility of yesterday back, Zayn felt physically safe and I can't even have that.
It's not long I find myself in the car with Harry, my gaze strictly before the road in front of us as I watched through the windshield and put on the seat belt.
A few cars sped down the road every few minutes, fading down the street and illuminating me with the darkness of the night once more, it has started to rain... I think I'm in denial because I wasn't crying. All I felt was hurt, fear and anxiety that I'll never see him again.
The thoughts flooded me, yesterday was the last time he kissed me, the last time that I saw him, the last time I held him, the last time I get to hear his voice, look at his eyes. He knew... I felt betrayed that I wasn't granted truth. I never gave myself to any other before like I easily did to him. I know I won't be able to forget him...
He used me. That's the thing on my mind, he only used me for whatever. Which doesn't make sense. Why and for what?
I can feel Harry dart his gaze towards me a couple of times. I exhale shakily as my mind becomes numb and I don't look at the situation with feelings but only with logic.
"Harry I don't believe you." I exclaim. Maybe I was pathetic but something felt wrong. My instinct is on high alert."You have to tell me why he is doing this?"
I get silence.
"Tell me." I shoot him an irritated look.
"Must you be so fucking desperate?" he weakly managed, trying to hurt me."He's done with you bambi. Whatever went on between you two during this time doesn't mean anything to him. I gotta know, I'm a man." He wants me to drop it just like nothing.
"No." I refuse to believe him."You're lying, why should I believe you? You said for yourself that neither of you are trustworthy." I hit his arm, he pushed me away back harshly, I groan."Why would he not tell me on his own if he never cared?" He did it before, why not now? "And to use me he had to get something out of me which he didn't." I'm absolutely livid and rambling. But it's the truth. Zayn never urged me to sleep with him. Not even touch him only after I wanted. But then again maybe he used me to numb and clear his thoughts for as long as he needed.
Which person would do this? Only a sick one. With his sort of upbringing you couldn't really know.
Oh god, I felt like the entire world fell on me.
"What do I know? I don't question his motives like you do or look into the fucking details. You're too fucking obsessed with him." His counter mechanism reminds me of every time Zayn tried to dodge my question by throwing something hurtful back.
"You know something, I know you do." I state being very sure with this one. Before I knew it, I had flung open the car door that I leaned against, the cold air hitting on my face.
"What the fuck has gotten into you?" he shouted his green specks stay on me. He couldn't stop the car because there were too many others in front and behind us.
"If I don't get an answer I'll jump." I threaten, I was about to unclasp the seat belt."Why did he do it?" Of course I was bluffing but he didn't know.
His jaw clenched blinking at the road back to me. I lean my upper bod out of the moving car.
"For you. He did it for you." he shot back then his eyes bulged. Immediately I close the door and frown deeply."Fuck, forget I said anything." he shouted frustratingly giving me a glower.
"What do mean for you, Harry?!" I yelled, he flinched. I'm using Harry's weakness it seems, because he doesn't do good with being under pressure, and guilt tripping him.
There's white noise for a few seconds, Harry lost control over the vehicle and he swung around then floors it. Panic, frozen and frightened I hold onto the seat. Everything was quiet expect the roar of the car engine and the tires protesting against the pavement while all around was blurred and dazed.
The tires squealed to stop, we collided with the side of another car, I saw it happen like in slow-motion until my body shot to the side as I'm howling in pain before we were halted by a tree.
Harry's body jerked forward and broke the windshield as he went flying out landing on the car hood, I scream, my head hitting the car window making me yelp.
It's minutes until my dizzy mind stops spinning, until I get my senses to feel and see what happened. My body felt crushed, some bruises on my body and on my temple but other than that I was fine. As fine as someone can be after witnessing and being in a car accident.
This all happened because of me. We were lucky it that we weren't going high speed.
I quickly get out of the car and went to help Harry turn around he has bloody bruises everywhere from the sharp small pieces of the glass but I can't focus on that, "Harry?" I asked, huffing when I succeed on turning him to his back and froze when his eyes are bulging, and he's tapping against his throat, no gasping sound or choking heard. It didn't take me.much to know what he had, "Oh no, no."
My movements are rushed when I run to get the first aid kit, then search for Harry's small bag with knives finding at last.
I check if there's everything needed for a tracheotomy. I've never done this before but no other choice is left, he will die if I wouldn't try. And it was all my fault, I pressured him too much.
My feet are shaking along with my hands while I throw the stuff out of the kit on the dirty ground and quickly take a trache tube, before I mentally scold myself for being so uncoordinated I had to be focused.
I pick a knife with fumbling hands then moving to Harry who is thrashing his legs. The scene looked horrifying, he literally couldn't breathe.
I barely had time to calm myself before another bad thing happened.
I'm trying to be as quick as possible otherwise he would faint, ignkring the hysteria that built inside me again and again. I couldn't think about me now. Pushing him down by his arms so he will lay after I brushed pieces of broken glass away from him to not get injured further I give him a reassuring nod before I feel his throat he calms down a bit. Then I find the indiation between the Adam's apple and the Cricoid cartilage. With the sharpest knife I could find on my other hand I want to make a cut but Harry's hand prevent me with weak hands. He's afraid, his wide eyes are on me, his skin flushed, his mouth agape.
"Harry I know this looks bad, but trust me please." I softly plead blinking rapidly at him. "You're going to die if I don't.. just please." my voice broke. I could feel my legs tremble, my neck sticky. And he relaxed, letting my hands go.
After a quick inhale, a grimace forms on my face my hands near his throat as I carefully make a half-inch horizontal incision about an inch deep where I was about to do it earlier."Sorry." I mumble frowning when he winced. It oozes only a little bit of blood which was a good sign because I pinch the cut and quickly quite roughly insert the tube there.
I breathe air into the tube with two quick blows, pause five seconds then give one breath every new five seconds. I inwardly feel relieved, gleeful that I could do this and save him. His chest rises luckily and he could finally breathe on his own, albeit with difficulty but the worst is overcomed. I finally look at him again because I was avoiding to stare at him so I wouldn't lose composure and start crying. He looked pale now, his hair everywhere, eyes closed still sprawled on the hood of the car. My body slides down the car and I lean exhausted to it looking up the sky.
//
The shock and fear I had to live in those few moments would forever haunt me. One wrong move and Harry could have died on my hands.
What wrong did I do to deserve this day? I literally just a day ago was the happiest I could be.
I had helped Harry in the backseat after he finally was feeling better and I had removed the trache tube from his throat. I was sitting on the driver's seat and stare at him, his curly brown hair was damp, the few cuts on his face looked awful along with his scowl. He was angry at the situation.
I felt so tired. It doesn't help that I think about Zayn every second I could. I rub my face and eyes with a sigh and when I look at Harry he was still pouting to himself until he looked at me.
Everything suddenly became awkward. Harry's lips were parted as if he was going to say something but nothing came out.
Then I decide that I should drive back to the mansion with the navigator on the phone, Harry fell asleep on the backseat when I dart my eyes on the review mirror.
It was late in the evening and slightly terrifying to drive in a foreign country but I manage.
My eyes constantly fell on Harry's phone for two hours until I pick it up and before I could stop myself I call him.
***Zayn's POV***
"Was that too hard of a concept to understand or what?" I shout enraged at Max, clutching his shirt's collar tightly. His face was expressionless. I held the gaze evenly.
I went mental on him and now I lift my fist again. I guess I was really mad because I didn't even aim like I usually do, I blindly punched whatever was in front of me. It was a damn good blind punch if I do say so myself, landed right in the middle of his face too. I had no patience at all, I'm itching for some drugs as well. In a matter of seconds I could be done with him, depending on how much I want to go. A few more punches aimed at his nose and mouth and a twist of his neck it would be over. His now horrified expression only fueled my fire and the anger that makes my face flush incredibly red..If you're doing a job you do it right and if the fucker really thought he could get away with hurting Olivia then he was more stupid than I had initially thought.
I had some spare hours until I'd deliver myself to the gangs, it wasn't an easy affair wanting to get yourself out of this life even if I had to die. My hands clenched.
Since I'm too fucking angry I wanted to pay him a visit. He's barely standing on his feet, grunting and wheezing. If you can't handle to mess with me you simply don't fucking do it, 'cause once someone's under my radar they're as good as dead.
With a deep growl I was about to blow another hook on his head but...
There's a loud tone sounding from the table where my phone is. I twist my head that way.
Who the fuck...?
My feet skirted to it with my winded breath, I give Max a look after I saw the name one the phone, "It's your lucky day prick." I taunt him the close the door of his office harshly and walk to a hall.
"What Harry?" My tone is bitter and disapproving. I wasn't in the mood for any more fucking bad news.
"Zayn..it's me." She spoke breathlessly. It's the voice I never thought I would hear again. My hand came up to my hair running through it because I tried to be patient and not snap. It's not like I don't want to hear her voice but...
"Where's Harry?" I flatly asked, she scoffed quietly.
Why the fuck was she calling out of all people? She was supposed to leave for good. Fuck this.
I rub my temple annoyed.
"We had a car accident." she explained. I tense, my limbs shook.
"What? Are you alright?" I quickly asked.
If something happened to her she wouldn't be able to talk so I relax.
"Yeah. Harry had it worse but he is okay now. I will drive him home and then someone else will send me back to London." her voice was quivering and sometimes high pitched. Maybe she's in shock because of the accident. I can't fucking believe that the minute I'm not beside her she's in danger. My parted lips pierce close, my expression grim."I just...h-have to ask you something?" she mumbled. I sighed heavily, I bet she was biting her lip anxiously, and her doe like blue eyes grew rounder. I could picture it in my head, face morphed into a hopeful but tristful expression."Why didn't you do it yourself Zayn?" she gently said with a sad tone. If she keeps talking I'll succumb.
"We're not having this discussion." I declared frankly. She needs to stop having it her way all the fucking time.
"You.. You- Ugh." she croaked with a frustrated voice. I hear her struggling to breathe and it looks like she has difficulty to find the right words to say. It bothers me that she's feeling so much negative emotions because of me. Like there aren't enough of bad words to say to me.
Am I that irritating? I never noticed.
"You know what Zayn? Fuck you." she's hysterical all of sudden, a gasp left me at her words, my nervous pacing, which I only now noticed, stopped abruptly as her voice strikes through me."You really think you can order me right now? You think you have me under some sort of fucking spell and I will feel compassion for you? No. I'm not intimidated by you anymore, I'm not going to let you treat me this way after you couldn't be a man and tell me you didn't fucking want me by yourself." Her words hurt. It's weird to hear her curse because of me. I didn't like it."You owe me an answer." she spluttered sternly. In my head I agreed, I owed her much more."Now I'm going to ask and you will answer." she heaved a breath, I gulp then exhaled a long steady sigh, fiddling with my lighter. "Was it all pretend?" she barely questioned. My heart skipped a beat, a lump that threatened to break my throat in half took place on my chest, I grip the lighter tightly. I thought she would have yelled the fucking question and not with that soft voice which made me fucking hate the thing I had to do.
As for her question...?
Didn't the doubts get away after what happened, how I cherished her the best I could? Wasn't my guard let down enough for her to see the fucking difference, that I'd do anything to see her smiling? Haven't my actions expressed everything I'll never say, haven't they spoken louder than any word that fell from my mouth which would spew lies at any given chance but were earnest lately, finally give me away? And that's what kills me now...I've been nothing but honest for the first time, expect maybe only a rare few times earlier.
What about the way I kissed her just yesterday to prove her that I wanted to hold her forever and despite that... I have to let her go because I'm for once not being the greedy-selfish bastard I am, I'm trying to do the right thing for the first fucking time for fucks sake and want to keep her save but... she will never know.
"It was all..." my voice flat to conceal the lie. "Pretend." the last sentence broke, my eyes sealed taking a deep breath.
I wait for her soft, kind voice to put up a fight, to knock some sense in my thick skull which would make me lose it and find another way...but what I didn't expect was that I got nothing in return.
She hung up, just like that. No objecting like she usually does, no pleading for the truth.
I finally achieved what I had to do, but never wanted.
She's had enough... This phone call was never meant to happen, I didn't want to feel more guilty than I am, I didn't want this reminder of us. Suddenly I remember that I won't see her smiling at me, her beautiful face, I won't hear her voice again nor see her eyes, I won't taste her soft lips... Fuck.
What has this girl that I can't fucking look past?
I just found out that I was using her, but I was certain she used me too. In a different way but still. We wanted to be good for each other. It took distance to make it clear for me that I think about her more than I ought to.
Swinging my hand I toss the fucking phone on the wall it breaks in pieces, just like my insides that were shredded, my soul too in tiny pieces that bled and hurt more than anything before, more than any bullet or beating I ever got.
If this is what life felt like after losing her then I welcome my departure.