Sometimes, it doesn't matter who else holds and comforts you. Sometimes, you just need your best mate.
This was true for James that night.
Lily lay asleep beside him, the Apple Mystery novel flopped on her chest from where she'd been reading it aloud half the evening. James was wrapped in Charlus's old Gryffindor scarf, the crumbs of his mum's bacon sandwiches still clinging to his chest, and the remnants of her lipstick still smudged on his left temple where she'd kissed him repeatedly... Lily's weight pressed into his side, he was careful not to move too much and wake her as he slid the two-way mirror from under the pillow where he'd stashed it earlier when Remus gave it to him.
"Sirius?" he whispered.
The moment he spoke, the image in the other mirror moved as it was picked up and he realized it had been laying on Sirius's chest all this time. Sirius had been waiting for him. Sirius's face came into view and relief flooded James the moment he laid eyes on his best mate.
"Hey Prongs," Sirius whispered back.
"Oh blimey am I glad to see you," James said.
"I'm glad to see you, too, you glorious bastard," Sirius answered.
"Sorry I waited so long to pick this thing up and talk to you," James apologized.
"No I figured it would be during the night we'd talk," Sirius replied. He aimed the mirror at the fireplace, where he'd stoked a warm blaze, and then at the coffee table, where his his tea cup and a small kettle sat at the ready. He turned it back to himself, "I'm prepared." He smiled.
James felt like he might cry and he smiled back. "Oh thank Merlin."
"So flick your wrist and conjure yourself some tea, you great wanker," Sirius laughed, "I'd do it for you but I'm stuck here on house arrest aren't I?"
"I wish you weren't."
"I wish I wasn't as well, but - alas - it is what it is." Sirius paused, "Moony mentioned they had you restrained to the bed earlier and - blimey, Prongs, I must say, I've never been so knockered up as I was picturing that! Nearly had a right fit, I did... gave me quite a turn, you've no idea."
"And it isn't even Tuesday!" James lamented.
Sirius grinned. "Perhaps we could recreate the moment."
"Sounds like a bank holiday sort of activity."
"It does, doesn't it? Perhaps to celebrate the Swan-Upping?"
James laughed quietly. The effort of it made his chest hurt and he winced and lay his head back down on the pillows. He stared Sirius in the eyes in the glass.
"Alright, Prongs?"
"Everyone keeps saying I was a hero, but I don't remember it."
Sirius said, jokingly, "You're my hero," in a silly American accent. James hummed a slight laugh and Sirius sobered, adding, "You really are, though."
"You're biased. And a dog. Dogs always have to say stuff like that about their humans."
"Are you calling yourself my master?"
"Okay, fuck this, I'm going to sleep." James pretended to put the mirror away and Sirius's barking laughter came from the mirror as he laid it face down on the pillow for a moment before picking it back up.
"Ok, no really, though, Prongs - biased for good reason, mate. You really are my hero, that's why you're one of my people. I mean, not that you wouldn't be my person if you weren't a hero - but that you are my hero, man, and I mean it."
James sighed.
"Moony said every time someone reiterated the story about what you did the number of muggles you saved seemed to grow. That the mediwitch in Dunlewey said ten, and then a wizard at Mungo's said Mr. Underhill said thirty? Thirty fucking people, Prongs! Thirty people in this world that wouldn't be if it wasn't for you. All in one go. I'm sorry, what more do you need to be a hero? A medal? Because I'm sure one's coming."
James whispered, "I don't remember helping all those people."
"Remembered or not, you've done it."
"Why don't I remember it?"
"You took a blow to the head, Moony says. The bruises and cuts on your face sort of agree with him."
James frowned.
"Something else is bothering you about this."
James diverted his eyes from Sirius's, looking at a spot just below the mirror.
"Prongs?"
He didn't look up.
"James."
He looked up.
"What is it really?"
"I don't remember."
Sirius's brows came together in concern.
"I feel like something was taken away from my head and no matter how hard I try at thinking about it, there's just an empty space in my memory and it's so frustrating... and even worse is that what little tiny bit I do remember about it, feels clandestine to think about it - or - or something. And it's horrible, the bit I do remember."
"Wha do you remember?"
"A woman." He paused. "A woman from the back. And she looks like Lily, God help me, Sirius. She looks exactly like her. And I can't see it, but I know she's holding a baby... Holding onto it for dear life because they're facing death and I just -- I'm so close -- I was so close -- but.... and I don't know what happened or why or how or what or anything else except that I know that I failed them, whoever they were. I feel like - and I know it's not this, but - but I feel like I've failed Lily."
Sirius frowned. "It wasn't Lily. And you didn't fail anybody."
James was crying silent tears that just rolled down his cheeks quietly and his eyes diverted to the ceiling.
"There are two things in this world, James, that I truly, truly know with all of my mind, body, and soul, and they are this: one, you couldn't ever fail Lily, no matter what you've done, because you've loved her so well there's no level on which you could fuck up so bad that you've failed her or fallen short of her or disappointed her. You've already done enough to never, ever be a failure to Lilith."
James's lip trembled.
"And second, all that I've just sad about Lily... except for me, too. You couldn't ever fail me, either, James. Your heart is too purely golden."
James sniffed and lay his down again.
"D'you reckon I've blocked out what happened because I - I couldn't save them?" he whispered, "The woman and the baby, I mean?"
"Perhaps."
"I wish I could rememer her face."
"Why?"
"Because she deserves to be remembered, whoever she was, and right now all I can remember was the way she looked like Lily. And I couldn't see the baby at all... What if there's nobody else who will remember the baby at all, apart from me?"
"James."
Sirius's face was very, very, very solemn.
"Not everything in this world is up to you to do it."
James searched Sirius's eyes.
"You are a hero, yes. Do you have to be all the time? No."
James felt his throat constrict.
"You're allowed to fuck up - you're allowed to fall short. WE ALL fall short, mate. Every last one of us. There's not a single person on this entire planet that hasn't made a mistake or will not make a second, third, five-hundred-and-eleventy-sixth mistake."
"But -"
"I'm sorry, do I sound finished?"
James laughed.
"You don't have to be everything to everyone. You are not Atlas, you are not a god at all. You are not even a heaven-sent savior. You're not even knighted by the fucking queen... Ol' Elizabeth needs to get on it, but it hasn't happened yet, so calm your tits, Potter."
"I mean, I know all that."
"Do you?"
James bit his lip.
"I don't know that you do. Nobody is going to stop loving you for a mistake, James, not a single one of us."
James whispered, barely daring to speak it, "Are you sure?"
"Positive."
Sirius let that sink in for a moment, making sure James processed it thoroughly, then -
"Pawsitive. Paw. Because I'm a dog."
James snorted.
"If I was there, I'd lick your face. Just to seal the promise. Nothing like sealing an oath with a little bit of tongue."
James said, "Just like at your wedding, huh?"
"As if you didn't slip Lilith some tongue at yours!"
"We had very respectable kiss."
"And I'm the Pope."
"Hi Pope!"
Sirius laughed. For some reason they both found this extremely funny, maybe it was the late hour, maybe it was just because the conversation had been so heavy and the tension was coming out of them, but the pair dissolved into boyish giggles and wheezing. Sirius did a bit, doing the sign of the cross with a straight palm and doing the queen-wave about the flat of the living room, and James honked quietly.
Lily shifted beside James and her eyes opened and she looked up at James's face as he laughed and saw the mirror and Sirius spotted her looking sleepily up at the mirror.
"Hello Mrs. Potter," he said regally. "I bless thee."
James honked again.
Lily's head was sort of bouncing as he laughed, her face leaned against his chest and she looked back up at James, then to the mirror, "What's so funny?" she asked, her words slurred from sleep.
"I've just been informed that I am the Pope," Sirius said.
Lily blinked, then, "You'd look ridiculous in that hat he wears."
James kissed her head, giggling all the harder.
Sirius announced, "I could pull it off! I could."
"And I'm the Queen of England."
"Oh hey," Sirius said, "You can knight your idiot husband, then, we were just discussing how you're slacking in that department."
Lily smiled sleepily, "He's already my knight." She closed her eyes and snuggled harder against him, squeezing tight. "My shining armored knight..." and her voice faded off with sleep as she said the words.
James looked into the mirror at Sirius. "Seems I'm a knight after all."
Sirius answered, "Yeah, I guess I was wrong about that bit. But I'm not wrong about all the rest of what I said and I'll find a way to prove it to you."
"You can't prove it to me," James laughed.
"I'm the bloody Pope, I can do anything I want."
And the giggles resumed.
They carried on being silly boys for a time, but then it was nearly daylight and a mediwitch came in to check on James and give him a second dose of the potion he was needing for the supposed concussion, and it made him sleepy and soon Sirius was watching James's ceiling come closer and go further away as the mirror lay on James's chest, facing up, moving with his breathing. He could just barely hear the breath going in and out of James's nose - there was the slightest whistle to it and it made Sirius smile. He closed his eyes, preparing to go to sleep himself.
There was a sneeze.
"Bless you," Sirius said without thinking much of it.
"Thanks."
There was a pause, then Sirius opened his eyes and sat up.
He knew that sneeze.
He looked around the room, confused, his eyes wide. He looked down at the mirror, put it down on the coffee table, and turned on the cushion so his feet touched the floor and he looked up at the book case by the fireplace. The mantle held a bunch of framed photographs and his Freddie Mercury rose, and the bookcases were full of titles Remus had collected - mostly old textbooks that he never got rid of, but loads of novels and reference texts and things he'd got for mere knuts at Flourish and Blotts or from the muggle library for a couple pence. There was a bunch of silly knick-knacky type things they'd collected and left over bits of rubbish from Zonkos, piles of teacups and records, a small silver frame holding a photo of Remus's mum and the video tapes of her films behind it, and, about midway up, the framed picture that Remus had drawn of Regulus Black.
Sirius stared at the picture with wide eyes.
Regulus's eyes were closed, head slumped forward, leaning against the frame, asleep.
Which was not at all how Remus had drawn him.