Sirius couldn't move.
His mouth was open, he felt like he was screaming, but he couldn't push the air from his lungs to get it out. He stared up at the ceiling, his eyes wet and streaks of tears falling over his temples and into his hair, his body twisted, contorted from the odd sleep position...
He could feel something heavy and warm beside him... but it seemed a hundred miles away, the sensation of his arm against that heavy, warm thing...
His chest heaved in short, fast gasps - the closest thing to movement he could do was these sharp inhales that shook him.
She was telling him that it was all an illusion - figments of his imagination... the sunlight, the soft pillow beneath his head, the warmth of Remus Lupin's body pressed against his own... the lingering memories of the things they'd spent the afternoon and evening doing with each other... the tender touches, the whispered words, the kisses, the sweat, the tears...
He was still in Azkaban, trapped within horrible the grey walls and black clouds... Soon he would hear the morning sound of the other inmates screaming for mercy as the dementors did their rounds... Soon they'd get to his cell, too, and it would be his turn, his turn to cry out for mercy... They would find the good dream in his mind and they'd take it away and he'd be back to the consciousness of laying on the cold stone floor...
He whimpered.
"Please," he barely breathed the word, no more would come from him.
Just let me stay here with Remus, even if it's only in my mind... please... what's it to you if I stay with Remus in my mind or not? Please... please... please...
But of course the dementors cared. Of course they cared.
They cared because him being with Remus, even if only in his mind, made him happy. And they fed off of happiness, didn't they?
They would come hungry.
Just like they came for me on the shore of the lake at Hogwarts.
Remembering that, his whole body twitched, though in his mind he was trying to thrash wildly, trying to get away.
Just like his scream was silent, both then and now... only a breath straining to come out, lungs on fire for lack of air, despite the sharp puffing, each one getting sharper and less effective...
Please... please... please...
His panicked breathing was enough, though, and Remus's eyes blinked opened as he lay there, one leg beneath Sirius, their bodies pressed against one another beneath the blanket, their legs tangled together, Remus's hands buried in Sirius's hair... Sirius started shaking and twitching and what he perceived as screaming was really tiny whimpers and gasps...
It took a moment for Remus to register what was happening.
"Sirius?" Remus asked, slowly coming to. He looked over. Sirius's eyes were wide open. "Sirius?" Remus leaned closer, putting his palm on Sirius's chest, just over the Wild Thing lyrics... He leaned over and stared into Sirius's panicked eyes, searching them, seeing the confusion, the doubt, the terror, staring back, seeing but not seeing, either... Remus's heart broke.
Sirius's mouth stretched into a horrible grimace of hurt. "Please..." he barely pushed the word out.
Remus sat up and pulled Sirius's torso up onto his lap, his arm cradling Sirius's head against his chest. Sirius's eyes were leaking tears steadily and his breath was still sharp and short.
Remus leaned close, a whisper, "Is it Achlys, Sirius?" he paused, "Oh but of course it is, who else, right?"
Sirius's eyes struggled to focus.
Remus said, "Don't listen to her, Sirius... whatever she's saying to you... don't listen to her."
She was saying so many things... so many hateful, awful things. Things that Sirius couldn't find strength to argue... didn't know how to fight... things that tore him down, brick by brick...
"I know she's probably telling you awful things," Remus whispered, "But whatever it is she's saying, it's not true... it's not true, Sirius. The way she thinks she can just speak to you about the way other people feel about you... the way that I feel about you... well, I'm - I'm appalled, really! She doesn't know, Sirius. She doesn't know me and she doesn't know you."
Sirius's eyes flickered.
"She's as bad as my werewolf... don't let her take you over like my wolf does me, Sirius. You taught me how to stay with you when the wolf steals my soul, yeah? Stay with me, Sirius. Stay with me. Don't listen to her... listen to me. Listen to the sound of my voice. Stay with me, Sirius."
"Remus..." Sirius begged.
Remus didn't know what to do, he paused and closed his eyes. What defensive theory could he possibly apply to this? Dementors in the chest... a patronus couldn't penetrate skin and bone... How could he give Sirius the power to turn the dementors away? He thought suddenly of Harry, of the desperate look in Harry Potter's eyes when he'd hung back to ask him, Remus, about the dementors.
"What defenses? Can you teach me?" Harry's eyes were begging him. They looked so much like Lily's, full of determination, just like his father's...
Remus felt dizzy at the parallel... Sirius begging him now, Harry in his recent past...
"They glory in decay and despair, the drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... every good feeling, every happy memory, will be sucked out of you... it will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself - soulless and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life...
"Azkaban must be terrible," Harry had muttered.
Terrible indeed, Remus thought, Terrible enough to take the life and mind right out of the most alive and overactive minded people he had ever known.
An image of Sirius... laying slouched in the corner, staring into nothingness, his mouth moving but no words coming out...
Just like now.
It occurred to Remus suddenly what might be happening.
"You're not in Azkaban, Sirius."
"Sirius Black escaped from them, he got away," Harry had said.
Got away? I wish he had, Remus thought now, holding Sirius.
"You got away," Remus whispered. "You escaped from them, Sirius. And now you're here --"
"What could I possibly offer him? An impoverished werewolf with nothing to offer him but a good deal of depression and an astounding lack of answers?"
"Love. You could offer him love."
"You're here... you're here in my arms, you're safe in Haworth, in my house... in my bed. Right here, in the arms of me - me, your husband."
Remus bent low and kissed Sirius's face.
A whimper emitted from Sirius when Remus's lips touched his skin.
"Come back to me, Sirius, stay with me."
He drew a deep breath. Remus closed his eyes, holding Sirius close.
If only it was as easy as getting a boggart and teaching a boy how to cast a patronus... if only a spell and some funny thought could defeat Achlys. If only she were as easy to defeat as a boggart being called riddikulus and --
Remus opened his eyes.
He looked down at Sirius.
How did Sirius always describe her?
Remus whispered, "She's filling your chest, isn't she?" he asked, "Like black smoke?"
Sirius shivered.
"You're afraid of smoke?" Remus asked. "You? You who smoke like a chimmney? How many packs of Players did you go through and you're afraid of damned smoke now?"
Sirius's shortened breaths were taming out a wee bit the longer Remus spoke.
Remus forced himself a laugh, "Fuck Achlys! Sirius! You're not afraid of smoke for sure -- Remember the ads? The ads for Players? Good Value is Black. 'Look, I'm a Siriusly good value, Remus'. Remember?"
Sirius's eyes focused on him, blinking up at him.
"Do you remember when you quit, Sirius? What a positive wanker you became? Bloody hell, that whole summer!"
"For Lily," Sirius murmured.
Remus laughed, then, in a voice imitating Lily's, he said, "Go bloody take a smoke you dog, I can't stand you another second!"
Sirius laughed. "The - the way the pack hit my face when she - she threw it?"
Imitating Sirius now, Remus hooted, "Nearly took my eye out!" He was wheezing.
Sirius was, too. "She did! Hit me right in the eyebrow. Another inch down --"
"'ello, Welcome to St. Mungo's this mornin', what's your malady?" Remus joked, "Just got whacked in the eye with a pack of Players is all."
Sirius turned and buried his face into Remus's shoulder, laughing, and Remus ran his palm over Sirius's hair, bending to kiss the top of his head as Sirius's shoulders shook with mirth instead of fear and Remus smiled
Fuck you Achlys. I won, he thought.
Sirius's breath was warm against Remus's skin, it felt wonderful to be so close to Sirius Black again, and for a moment - for just a moment, Remus let himself close his eyes and pretend it was the old days, that they were laying in their own little afterglow, that they were whole and unbroken... and blimey, for a moment or two, perhaps they really were whole and unbroken again, as Sirius finally, fully caught his breath and lay in Remus's arms, awake and safe and there in Haworth.
"I love you Sirius," Remus said.
Sirius looked up at him, eyes searching Remus's, and he smiled. "I know," he answered.
Remus laughed.
"I love you more, though, Moony," he added, and he lay his head back down on Remus, snuggling closer, wrapping himself around Remus. He was quiet a moment, and they both sat there in bed, absorbed with one another only...
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door downstairs.
The speed with which they both sat up --
"Fuck," Sirius grunted, reality coming back to them both as Sirius was up and out of the bed in a spring of action, "Fuck. We - we have to go. We've got to get out of here." Remus rolled out, too, grabbing for his clothes and things as Sirius hopped, yanking his jeans up and buttoning them hurriedly. "Where the fuck is my shirt?"
"I think we lost those downstairs," Remus answered, flicking his wand, his suitcase popping open and a drawer opening right up, revealing a load of carefully folded shirts.
"Nice suitcase," Sirius said.
"Carries everything, I haven't unpacked from Hogwarts yet - I think a bit of me knew I might need it," Remus shrugged. "Here." he handed Sirius an oxford.
"Are you joking me right now?"
"What?"
Another knock at the door downstairs.
"This does not go with these jeans."
"I'm sorry you can't be a fashion plate as we're about to run for our lives."
"Fuck." Sirius yanked the shirt on and started fumbling with the buttons. "This is as bad as Potter's damn auror uniform."
"Twenty eight racist buttons are completely different than an oxford," Remus said, who had already gotten another on himself and a jumper, too. "You wore one of those for how many years at Hogwarts as part of the uniform? How are you not faster at that?" Remus flicked his wrist and the buttons were done up by. magic.
"Thanks. Also you know I never wore my uniform at school, blimey, what do you think I was - a square, like you?"
"Because your tie looked real grand wrapped about your thick head like it always was - talk of a fashion statement," Remus rolled his eyes and closed up the suitcase.
"James's pictures," Sirius said. "Did you pack them yet?"
"With all my spare time between when we spoke of it and just now?"
"I don't know what you --"
"You know bloody well exactly what I was doing," Remus said with a laugh, "Seeing as it was YOU." Sirius's laugh was loud and Remus clapped his hand over Sirius's mouth. "Bloody hell, going to get us caught." Sirius licked the inside of Remus's palm and Remus drew his hand back sharply. "You manky thing!"
Sirius laughed.
"They're here- the pictures," Remus dove for a box on his bookshelf.
Yet another knock on the door below, and a shout, then the sound of the door being broken in.
"Fuck!" Sirius gasped and he looked around to the window. He rushed over and ripped open the curtains, shoving up the pane. Sirius was leaning out, whistled one shrill, sharp sound with his fingers in his lips.
"We can't go out the bleeding window!" Remus exclaimed.
"And why not?"
"We aren't twelve years old anymore, Sirius!"
"And what's the alternative?" Sirius asked. "Downstairs with the blokes what just pushed in your front door?"
Remus's mouth flubbed for words, but none came. "Well they'll see us running across the yard, won't they? How are we to out run --"
And then Buckbeak appeared at the window, wings flapping, and Sirius turned about and with a quick snap of his wrist, Remus's suitcase and briefcase flew toward him, shrinking as they came, and he caught them in his palm. "Come on, Remus," Sirius said. "I think it's time we get the fuck out of here, yeah?"