Once I woke I'm laying on Zayn's toned chest, he's still sleeping. One hand of his is firmly round my waist, the other on my thigh. It's very warm his scent already having empowered mine, so I sit up, straddling him, he stirred but continues his slumber.
It's nice to have a moment for myself before he wakes up. I take my time to examine him in his sleep, my cheeks flushed when I remember what yesterday happened.. Sighing I watch his pouty lips, relaxed features, disheveled hair. In his sleep, he's delicate.. That's why I don't bore looking at him as he does.
My hands seem to go on their on accord tracing his inked skin, I bite my lip while touching his collarbones. The urgency of my actions is unexplainable as I put both hands on his warm chest feeling every curve of the hard muscles of his body, then trace the symbols, letters, even cartoons, pictures and more words all scattered on his torso with my fingertips. He's a heavy sleeper so I boldly lean onto him, my chin on the toned surface, a hand slides up to his neck cupping it, my thumb skidded his sharp jawline feeling the stubble slightly. Yesterday I was distracted with his caring touch so I couldn't really enjoy his exposed torso which I wasn't aware that I liked.
I've come to peace with what happened and it's freeing. I hope he won't backtrack though.
I notice his necklace with rings laying on the nightstand, before I observe Zayn again and continue my tender touches on him. Does that necklace mean something to him?
With my other hand I caress his neck and before I can question myself I pepper a few kisses on his toned chest even where his tattooed red lips with wings are lingering my feather kisses. He groans and I quickly sit up flustered so I lean my elbows on his chest.
His eyes open tiredly before he sighed, the hand on my thigh coming to rub the sleep off of his puffy eyes. Then he stares with his big almond eyes until I shy away. To distract myself I trail my fingertips on one of his tattoos.
His hand prevents me abruptly I tense looking at his eyes, my lower lip trembled from the intensitivity, he grasped my hand hard before pushing it away while his eyes look annoyed a frown etched there. I blink sorting my thoughts out as I'm so close to his lips. Maybe yesterday was a mistake from his part, maybe that was all a joke, my stomach churns and I'm back at the verge of crying..
That's his silent way of telling me that he doesn't want me that what he said yesterday was only said because I wanted to hear it.. Almost immediately I want to pull away from him but he takes my hands tightening in one of his, the other on my waist. Tears welling on my eyes and I know that he wants to see this.. what he has achieved.
He cupped my neck with a frown and pulled me to him slowly until he pressed our lips together and my tense compsure lacked as my mind goes blank again when my body resolves upon the memorized texture of his big, soft lips that devour mine. His kisses are my weakness.. He puckers his lips softly, grazing my lips with his teeth from time to time, then nibbles slowly, I sigh and touch his face feeling the stubble closing my lips on his. Both of our mouths are desperate but still gentle as we lift our lips to bring them back repeatedly, the sounds of popping and puckering fell from both of us. My heart thundering in my chest against his as the lingering, sensual kiss continues..
This kiss was more laid back and not rushed like most of the others, it's smooth, slow, caring, even sweet. I take lead now, turning my head to deepen the touch of our mouth until we're breathless. His hand that is round my waist grips my bare skin, the other going up to my cheek to run his thumb over in a sweet manner while he completely let's me take control. My tongue traces deeper on his eager one as I gasp for air but I don't want to pull away toying and tangling our tongues smoothly before I opt on tugging on his bottom lip, a low huff escaped him, he poked his tongue to barely lick my upper lip which makes me moan so very lightly, squeezing my legs together..
"You're killing me babe.." he whispered groggily, I flush when I take note of his bulge growing onto my core where I'm clenching my thighs and pull away slightly, letting his swollen lip snap back at its place.
He pulls me back quickly though to feel my lips once more, fisting my hair gently while kissing me with all his might that I'm the one to deflate in his hands.. He sucks on my upper lip then pried his way through my lips, diving his tongue up and down on mine before biting on my lip, the hand on my waist traveled down through my knickers pushing his hand down to grab my bare butt..
"Wait." I mumble even if I want nothing more than this which is alarming.. he groaned not stopping but eventually does and took a deep breath, quirking an eyebrow, dilated brown eyes focused on my flustered face while his hand slips away from my butt not before squeezing it and now let it lay above my knickers on my bum comfortably.
"About earlier-"
"Yes. What I said earlier still stands bambi." his voice low and raspier than usual from sleep and maybe from excitement. "Now.." he murmured with low hanging eyes peering at me impatiently pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear to cup my cheek wanting to kiss me again.
"No, wait." I sigh shakily, he listens. Then he cleared his throat when he saw me hesitating.
"Talk." he encouraged. "What's going on in that clockwork that is your brain?" he solemnly questions, then licked his lips frowning deeply as if trying to read me. He's more calm than usual.
"A lot of things." I begin, he looks at me with a knowing sarcastic stare so I continue, "How much things can switch in a matter of days but some things remain hidden even if a drastic change happened." I admit quietly before closing my lips shut at what I just freely said, he looks confused. "I just don't know anything about you Zayn." I whisper. I don't even know where I find the time to think about that when we're both so exposed.
"What do you want to know?" he slowly mused, he's annoyed like my subsconscious that I stopped kissing him.
"I don't know. For example I don't know your age or.." What was I even saying? This has to be curiousity and I just woke up so that explains my drowsy mind.
"So what? This between us is nothing more than mutual desire Olivia."
My stomach sinks and I blink hurt. I mean I knew that but can he not be so insensitive? This is Zayn that I'm talking about of course he won't care, I inwardly yell. That's the only relieving thing, that I know he won't lie to me when it comes to this, so I won't be played at least.
"But you know more about me than I do about you. That's not fair." I softly reply.
"That's not my fucking problem." he retorts harshly, I gulp peering at him. He saw the flash of pain that stuck on my face for a mere second because his hazel eyes soften for a fraction but he is still frowning. "I'm twenty two." he mumbled lowly. "Is that enough? Can you stop overthinking now?"
"But I want to know more-" I prevent myself when I knew what I was just about to say. Why do I want to get yelled at?
"About me." he ended, rolling his eyes.
"Well-"
"No, fucking drop it." he snapped looking to the side with the jaw set sharply and I gasp at his harsh tone.
"I need a smoke." he grumbled after a while, pushing me away so I lay back on the bed with a thud. I would've walked away on my own but am too frozen, trying to understand how that was the same Zayn from earlier where he so softly talked to me about what he wanted and how he assured me.. Was that an act or..? No.
I think he won't let me know more about him because in his eyes I don't deserve it, like he said what we have is only lust even if it's more valued than that in my opinion.. And it doesn't tame the thing in me that has interest on his past, why he's so moody with me, or why he never is willing to stay calm for more than two minutes. Sighing I watch him open the heavy cream curtains and grab the handle of some glass doors.. Is there a balcony here?
"I didn't know there is a balcony here." I mutter, being the first to break the pregnant pause.
"It's quite simple actually," his voice dripping sarcasm looking to the side so I can see his squinted hazel orbs, "you just have to push the curtains away and then like this." he mocked twisting the door handle rolling his eyes and went outside.
I knew very well why he is like this, he tries to hurt me with words so I get angry and won't talk. I admit that's what I would be doing if the situation was different. But somehow that intimidating aura he had, has vanished when those confessions left his lips, so I ignore those words, for now, following him cautiously.
Soon I am with him on the balcony, it's not that large just enough space with some antique armchairs and a table. The cold air was biting on my skin but I like it as I look down this pretty town, the cloudy day made the town look dreary and sad.. Just like I am. How come I feel sad when just earlier I was blissful? I guess the answer is the rude man to my right.
Zayn lights the cigarette when I peek at him and turns to me while leaning on the railing of the balcony. He stretched his arm out for me and entwined our fingers, before I know it I'm pressed to his warmer chest and am standing in between his legs. He's so confusing.
"Now you want me to stay with you." I scoff. I'm a bit annoyed about that.
"Are you cold babe?" he murmured ignoring my words, I scowl. Another mood swing, how nice of him. With a huff I decide to go with it because it's other than his usual rude personality and sour moods and when he's like this I don't mind, also we're both grumpy from reasons unknown to each other.
Me because I want to suddenly know more about him. And him, God knows what or why.
"Yes." I respond quietly training my eyes on his chest back to his stubborn eyes. He hummed taking a drag of his cigarette hollowing his cheeks, closing his eyes briefly, then exhaled the smoke to the side while looking at me with half opened eyes.
Wrapping his arm around my shoulders he hugs me to him.. It's comforting somehow even if I'm mad at him.
I wrap both of my hands on his flexing body until I'm settled, nuzzling my head on his neck, my hands on his waist.
"We don't make sense." I blurt out, he tensed.
"I know."
"For one because you treat me bad." I whisper tightening my hold on his frame. He is very warm so I don't feel the icy cold anymore.
"I know." he again husked, his other hand came up to stroke my hair, I guess he tossed his cigarette.
"Two. You don't deserve my time or any of my kindness, let alone touch me like this." I want it out of my chest and it seems that he knows that. It's maddening to know that we can read one another so good at some times but there are times we are down each other's throat when we try to understand one another's actions.
"I know, Liv." he mumbled softly, kissing my forhead which confuses me like always but I don't question him. And he knows because he was the one to tell me he is tainting me. He's right but here I am willingly wanting this.. And either way if I think about us in a logical way it won't make sense, so I stay like this, just feeling not thinking.
+
When he told me that it was two p.m. and we have slept until after noon, I asked him if we could eat breakfast. I hope no one else is in the kitchen because now that Zayn and I are somewhat decent with each other it can get awkward.
He agrees and I put my hair in a messy bun then take my time in the bathroom. When I'm out Zayn is wearing a pair of his black sweats staying shirtless while I try not to gawk too much, he hands me a black and red plaid shirt which is his. It goes above my knees to my luck because I'm too lazy to put jeans or shorts on. Together we head to the kitchen.
Unfortunately, Harry and Liam are both there and stop talking when they see Zayn and I walk hand in hand. It's not like it's the first time so why are they looking at us like that? They both know Zayn can force me into this but maybe it's his clothes I'm wearing or the way Zayn has a smug expression lining his features, so I tug his hand to walk in front of him which makes it worse since he pinched my bum, I yelp.
Arriving before the kitchen island where Zayn stays behind me, I'm feeling embarrassed.
"Why is there nothing to fucking eat?" Harry whined at me, his eyes are puffy and he's not wearing a shirt. None of them is. "What are you two going to eat for breakfast?" he asked hopefully. Isn't he charming?
"I'm still full from my first breakfast." Zayn quietly said in my ear with a light growl rumbling from his throat.
"What breakfast-" I shut my mouth once I know what he meant, my eyes widen along with the wave of heat consuming my face while looking up to check if anyone had heard, he chuckled behind me pleased upon my expression. I elbow him lightly when no one seemed to be interested in us. Harry had rolled his eyes when none of us bothered with an answer.
Will this happen every time now? I mean it's more bearable than him shouting.
And now I'm overthinking.
His hands round my waist, leaning his chin on my shoulder while inhaling my scent then pecking my jaw lightly. I don't mind this at all leaning back to him.
I can feel eyes on us but ignore them.
"Where are the rest? And Alice?" I mumble lowly. Only Harry and Liam are rummaging through drawers to find something edible.
"I think asleep, I've postponed my work for later 'cause we're exhausted from yesterday's fucking events. And you won't be talking to Alice for a few days."
"What? Why?" My face sharing my surprise.
"Because she knew that you had that plan going on behind my fucking back." he whispered angrily.
"What about your gang mates? They knew too." I mutter sarcastically, he sighed, "Don't worry that smart head with this. I've got it all covered." he seethed right back, still loving to argue, I guess some things don't change.
"Are you still mad at me?" I whisper, turning my head to his. For some reason I don't want him to be angry because of me or get moody again. I like this Zayn.. Maybe a bit too much.
His face was solemn setting his jaw, eyes flickering between mine but he shook his head, "As long as you won't do anything like that again, I'll let is slip babe." he smirked when I look down with pinked cheeks because of his implicating gaze and words...
Whatever we have going on is foreign.. It's not awkward nor good, it's in between, peculiar even.
"Can you let Alice hang out with me then?" I test, he growled annoyed.
"No. I already told you that." His tone extremly final, eyes narrowed.
"Please. The things that could have gone wrong yesterday, already did." I try, he rolled his eyes.
"I won't change my mind bambi." he mumbled, I sigh but let it be.
"What do you want for breakfast?" I question softly as his hands trail to my thighs running his hands up and down my soft skin tenderly since I was wearing only his black and red plaid. I shiver at his touches, the reaction he gets out of me because of him are there for a long time and I only now really noticed.
"Toast." he answered iffy then scoffed as if to mock me. I guess the reason to that is because Harry and Liam are there too so his demanor switched a bit to his usual self. I bite my lip to not show annoyance but he caught on my eye roll. "Do you have something to add?" he dares, I shake my head and wiggle from his hold, to stride to my left getting the bread from the counter, even if he protested by tightening his hands on me.
"Olivia." he rasped lowly, I exhale plastering a fake smile on my lips twisting my head to his.
"What kind of dessert do you want?" I politely ask after preparing the bread now opening the fridge my stare roaming the full fridge dropping that fake smile the moment I look away from him, pushing some stuff away to find something sweet.
I hear his footsteps until he's breathing down my hair, his hands go possessively on my hips, I gasp and he pulls me so my back is flush to his chest. I don't relax this time even wanting to pull away.
"You." he mumbled to my ear brushing his lips on my earlobe while I stay still and frown, "I want you as my dessert." he clarified huskily-softly and sighs when I at last ease off in his arms, flushing from his words. And I felt a sense of belonging when we're this close.
I've never blushed this hard in front of anyone besides when I was really embarrassed about something. With him however I can never expect what he will say next and it's not only his words but his actions too. It comes naturally.
I quickly grab two yogurts, he released me after giving my hips a light squeeze. Then we walk back to the kitchen island where I take the toasted bread, smearing some marmalade on it pushing it to Zayn who is sitting next to me on a high stool. He takes it mumbling a, "Thanks."
Nodding, I proceed on making my own.
We're eating in silence.
"Why aren't you finishing it all?" he curiously asked after he saw that I gave up on eating my toast all, as I now pealed a banana.
"I'm full." I murmured biting on my banana, his eyes stay trained on my lips before snapping his eyes up to mine again.
"You're barely eating." he said back, I avoid his eyes. "Why's that?" he rasped more calm.
"I'm not hungry." I lie.
"You're fucking lying." he sneered pitifully.
"Maybe I am."
"Olivia." he warned like many other times.
"I don't know, sometimes I get picky on food or get bored with what I'm eating." I respond exasperated. Why is he caring? It's annoying that he uses the fear I still feel when he snaps only to get what he wants. But I have to remind myself that he won't change because of me.. I don't want him to change either since that would lead to more unnecessary feelings.
"Why didn't you tell me then?" he rasped softly pushing the high stool closer to mine, connecting our eyes until his put me in a calming trance of serenity. Liam and Harry retrieve themselves just then, while Harry looked at me with pitying eyes. What was that about?
"Hmm?" Zayn nudged his head on the side of mine getting my attention.
"It's nothing."
"When you were in intensive care the doctor told me that you are anemic." he confessed, I sigh not really liking that he found out. "If you want something specific to eat, fucking tell me." he told me lowly growling in annoyance, I nod slightly confused, annoyed but pleased too that he's like this. Then he made me some eggy bread and I ate gratefully, to later eat our yogurts in which he ate the rest of mine when I really couldn't eat more. Then we kissed for full twenty minutes because in his words.. he is claiming his dessert from me..
+
Alice was allowed to see me for a few minutes since Zayn had company over, which included Amanda. I don't know how I felt because of that.. Nothing, I felt nothing, I assure myself.
So what? Zayn and I have something and I immediately get clingy and jealous? That's not me.
'And letting the one who abducted you, touch you inappropriately is the real you?' my subconscious hissed. I ignore her.
"Liv, are you alright? You zone out too many times." Alice teased me, I roll my eyes halfheartedly.
"Everything's just confusing me." I whisper truthfully.
"Why?" she questioned while flicking the channels of the russian tv. Then she turned her attention to me, while playing with the loose strands of her short hair that she put in a bun. Her eyes take me in, then she gasped, "What-.. Liv if he is making you do something against your will, I swear-"
"What are you talking about?" I cut her off. She points to my neck, I look down then bite my lip when I see a lot of hickeys.
"Oh, this is nothing." I exclaim, cringing at how bad that sounded."Not in that way Alice."
She frowned and then her lips parted in realization.
"Then explain, if you want." she shrugged nonchalantly.
"It's complicated." I admitted quietly. I want to tell her but at the same time not.
"Liam and I are complicated too." she hinted with raised eyebrows. She knows something's up. So I tell her everything I deem to be important, in minimum details without revealing too much. If I wouldn't, I would go insane.
"That's hot." she wiggled her eyebrows when I came to the part of what happened in the early morning. I blush, I didn't even need to tell her everything only a few hints and then she found out herself. She's that smart."I knew there was something between you. Those sneaky looks, that aren't that secretive by the way, that you throw to each other had to mean something."
"Shut up." I mutter, she laughed.
"What is stressing you though? In my opinion it was inevitable that you two would become together." she matter of factly explained.
"We're not-"
"Sure. That's what you two think." she smiled when I glare."Anyway tell me why you look exhausted?"
With a sigh I respond quietly fiddeling with my hands, "I overthink too much. I overthink every single damn thing while he's not perplexed and doesn't even take a second to explain me a little about himself." Now I was playing with my ponytail, threading my fingers through it."This is strange for me.. Being with someone like this. Why not for him?
"Liv, you can't expect him to open up to you this fast. I mean he already told you about his tattoos." she argued, "Maybe he will again tell you something. But on his own." she adviced me."And maybe he's confused too but keeps it to himself so he won't appear weak or whatever. You know he hides his emotions." I shrug not convinced, while asking myself why I cared so much."I'm sure he will talk with you. Why would he tell you something about himself if he doesn't intend to tell you everything?"
"To manipulate me?" I wince while saying that. She gave me a disappointed stare.
"I don't think so." she thoughtfully replied."Just give him some time. And please don't say that to him. You both act on impulses."
I nod, then contiue, "I feel guilty too. Like I shouldn't want this or try to know him." I groan at myself. "It's messing with my head."
"That's normal. You're trying to figure it out, Liv." she assured me like always, rubbing my arm. I'm so glad that she didn't judge me and that I could talk it through, what is disturbing is that she thinks we're right for each other. I'm glad that I'm so confortable around her and can tell her things like this.
Just as I want to ask Alice if she can tell me about Zayn, Liam strides in the bright living room calling Alice to go downstairs to the basement with him, cutting our conversation, while I'm staying alone like some loner, the whirlwind of my thoughts causing a headache to rise.
Why was I so intrigued with Zayn now? Was it a mistake that we both walked past the boundaries and commited sin? But I couldn't stop, it is all his fault along with my body's for feeling safe in his hands, as I'm pulled under by a wave of emotions in his presence, that it doesn't make sense but at the same time it does.
Sighing I relax on the couch, then rubbing my hands on my thighs to get the strange feeling off my neck that someone's watching me..
*a.n/ Please vote, and what do you think of Harry looking at Liv that way? *cough* hint *cough*.