JENNIE
"Jennie, if you want to talk about something, we are here for you. You are our daughter and we will surely listen to you. Do not think that we are your enemy. We are concerned of you, Jen." I know that dad is worried about me.
As much as I want to tell them what I am going through, I don't want him to worry about me. Now that he just filed for bankruptcy, I am not going to add another burden to him. His business is failing. I want to help him. But I am also thinking that he is getting old and I want them to retire.
My Mom is also on her last term as the city Mayor. She wants to put her retirement savings on a bakery business once her term ends. I want to help them.
But only if they know what's on my mind now.
I want to quit my job. But I do not know how to tell Rosé. I am so tired. This fame is tiring me emotionally, physically and mentally. I have been working non stop. I want to rest but my contracts with brands are not ending yet. I really regret not thinking twice about it and just kept on receiving.
Next, I really do miss Lisa. The last time I saw her was five months ago when she brought me home after she took me from the club. After that, she never answered my calls. She never replied to my messages. She visits the house to spend time with Aki when I am not around. But she never missed complying with her obligations. I told her to not pressure herself when she's financially short because I am still earning. But she is really responsible. She paid this year's real estate tax of our house. She's sending me her financial support for Aki every month.
"Can you help me with, Lisa? Mom, please? I am really dying inside. I miss her everyday. I want to fix us. I want to marry her again. Dad, that's all I hope for. I can't function well without her." I begged.
"Jennie, we can't force Lisa. You can't force love." Mom said.
"But I know that she loves me still." I said.
"Love is not enough." Dad mouthed.
I looked at him and I think I have to hear their honesty. I think I have to face this.
"Can you be honest to me? Can you tell me what are my flaws as her wife?" I asked them but they just looked down. I know they won't tell me to avoid hurting my feelings.
"Mom, Dad, I am ready to hear it." I think I am.
They inhaled so deep before starting to confront me.
"You changed. You fought for your love for Lisa but you changed in a snap. You became someone selfish, Jen. You were just lucky that she was so patient with you because she loves you. Your relationship was toxic. She kept dealing with you. You were too demanding of things that sometimes are way impossible. But she tried to give you her best. You belittled her. Lisa was just a simple person but she tried to fit in your world. She swallowed all the hurt of the consequences of your fame.
You had a hard time dealing with your anger issues. She adjusted. We all wanted to talk to you about it so we can help you but you are dismissing us right away. We know you are not okay with your job. We know how you feel and what you are going through. We are just too scared to ask you because you might lose your temper right away. We know Lisa suffered too much on that matter.
You were not careful with your words when you talk to her. Your Mom and I witnessed some of your fights and she has been letting you win even if she had a lot to say to defend herself or lighten the situation. But she couldn't. She couldn't because she didn't want to hurt you. She was very understanding of every situation you're in.
Lisa would call us sometimes and ask for help. She wanted to tell you to take a rest and breathe away from work. She was concerned of you. It pained her too much seeing you working so hard and never seen joy in your eyes.
Lisa was respected by her colleagues at work and even by the high officials in the government when she was on the intelligence force. But she was too soft when it comes to you and never had even a single toughness when she married you. She was so in love with you to the point she agreed to become the bad person on your divorce statements.
That's crazy. If I were in her situation, I won't let that happen.
We witnessed how much she loved you. She took care of you even if you didn't ask for it.
She swallowed her pride. Lisa chose to be calm in every situation and be the bigger person because she didn't want to fight against you. She didn't want to be triggered to raise a voice on you. She didn't want to be a toxic partner to you.
She kept trying. But you know, we are just all human and we also give up when it's too tiring already.
We are not telling you all of these to hurt you or make you feel bad. I hope this will open your heart and your eyes, Jen.
Reality is too painful sometimes, but with a broad understanding and pure acceptance, you will learn how to deal with what lies ahead."
My dad's honesty and all the events in the past between Lisa and I are merging inside my head. He was right.
I realized how toxic I was. I was too selfish. Too vile and I gave her the trauma she doesn't deserve. If I am in Lisa's shoes, I would do the same thing. I'll move away from myself, too.
I wasn't being humane to her.
I love her that's why I married her. But I forgot the reason why I asked her to marry me and that's to love her even more without conditions.
I was too much! I was never a wife to her. If only I can bring back time, I would make things right and never give her the pain she's going through right now.
There's a part of me that says I have to let her go. But I can't. I really can't. I realized a lot of things during the counseling at the mountain.
Lisa has never been a burden to me. I was displacing all my anger to her. And that's not fucking right! Why did you let that happen, Jennie? Just because Lisa was so good to you, it was her who accepted all the negativity you collect from work? Just because she's the one who has been there for you when you needed a shoulder to cry on because of too much pressure at your job?
You know in your heart that Lisa never turned her back away from you when you're at your lowest. When you're in too much pain, she was there for you. She never left your side. Even if you were hiding her. That's too painful but she never complained. She was there to understand.
And out of the blue, just because of things that can also be resolved but you never thought of resolving, you just wanted a divorce and let her slip away.
Stupid.
Not in love with Lisa anymore? Where did that come from? Are you even thinking when you just blurted that out?
I don't even know what to do now. I want to see her and just hug her. I want to disappear for a while from my job. I am so fucking tired of this fame. I thought everything will be light and right when I backed out as being an idol.
But it worsen.
Fame and money are harmful obsession.
They are evil. And I was too weak to let those overpower me. I wasn't thinking right. It affected my brain, heart, my relationship with people that matter to me. It ruined my marriage. Or maybe I just let it happen because all I think about is my reputation.
Lisa has been telling me to take care of myself. I took that for granted because I was too dependent on her. I was too complacent that she's there to take care of me– and all of my shit.
I guess I am hopeless. I think I deserve to suffer in pain. This is the result of my wrong decisions. I have to accept this and I don't know anymore.
"Jen, when you need us, please do not hesitate to let us know. We always reach out to you because we love you. We care for you and Aki. Please if you think nothing is helping your mind and your heart anymore, we are willing to help you to figure things out and what you need. Maybe you may also consider seeking for professional help? The entertainment industry is no longer good for you, Jen." My mom is sobbing already.
Love. Career. Myself. It's all mixing together and punching me so bad.
I don't know what's next. I am so tired. Really tired.