JENNIE
That time when we had our first dinner, it felt like it was the longest night of my life. I never thought Lisa and I would keep on talking whatever that comes in our mind. But I can't deny that she is really shy. Somehow, she is trying to have a great conversation with me. We talked about random stuff and every single thing just make sense. I am this type of person who doesn't talk to anyone just like that. It's just so cute the way she talks. I really find cute how she tells me her story being my fan. And what I love the most is how she treats me just like a normal person but still with respect. Well, there are still moments that she feels intimidated because I'm a well-known artist. But she really is trying to be herself.
After that night, we got to see each other like twice a week. Then it became thrice a week.
Until I realize that my day is not complete without seeing her. I love looking at her. I love the way she speaks. I love how she walks. I love how she talks. I don't know how I survive every time she approaches me with her killer and handsome looks. She is just my type I guess. I never had a type before. But I think, she is the definition of perfection for me.
Before I go to bed, she is the voice I listened to over the phone. When I wake up, it's her text message that brightens up my day.
I am just so disappointed that whenever we're out, we always hide underneath our thick clothes and caps. I am just happy that she understands the situation.
I always look for her. Sometimes, she would ditch work just to see me too. During our dates, she doesn't want me to always pay for our bill. It's either I pay then she pays the next one or we both share the bill.
Date.
Maybe it's just me who considers every single moment a date.
I tried to make a move like letting our skin touch or I lean my head on her shoulder when we watch a film. She let me hold her hand when we take deep breaths under that sycamore tree on an uphill land while we watch the whole busy city. But she is not giving the same energy back. Not that she is pushing me away. She let's me do whatever I want. I just don't feel her reciprocating. But I won't deny, I feel the intensity between us whenever we're flirting with each other through our touch and gaze. Touch. She's too respectful. She doesn't touch my skin first. When I hold her hand when we're together in our secret place we call "Sycamore", that's the time she would look at me straight in the eyes and give me her beautiful smile.
Maybe it's just me who feels something towards her.
Feel?
What am I really feeling?
Crush? I like her? I appreciate that she did save me?
It's already been six months that we're going out but it's still unclear to both of us. I don't even know what I am feeling. All I know is I want her to be part of my life. Maybe this is what they call the stage of getting to know each other.
We also talked about love. She told me that all she had was flings and nothing serious happened. She said that she is not ready to be in a relationship yet. But if ever someone comes and would change her thinking about love, she'll let herself fall deep into that person.
So, if ever, we are each other's first.
Am I just assuming that there's a great chance for us to take the next step? Sometimes, I don't know if she's giving me mixed signals or it's just her natural charm. Because whenever we're out and she sees someone who needs help, she never hesitates to reach out and do her best to help. Isn't that a good thing? Should I be worried about that?
Is this going somewhere? What if one day she just decides to stop seeing me?
What if I express my feelings for her? Feelings? Are you sure about that, Jennie? How sure?
I don't know. All I know is that I want her just for myself. It's the first time that I feel this way for someone. I don't know what love is or what it feels to be in a relationship.
But how should I know? How would I know if I won't try?
If I fail, at least, I tried. Right?
J: Lisa, where are you now? I want to see you.
An hour passed and I haven't received a reply from her.
I am not feeling really well about this. She usually responds to me swiftly.
J: Lis, are you busy?
Another hour moved the earth but still she doesn't care.
I checked the clock and it's already eight in the evening. Oh. Maybe her shift at work changed that's why she couldn't respond immediately.
There's this great desire in me to be with her tonight. You know what's next? I took my key, drove as fast as I can going to Dream Entertainment and spy on her.
And here she is, taking her big bike out of the parking area. I followed her, making sure she won't catch me doing this like a stalker. I am not a stalker! I just want to be with her.
But I notice that this is not the way to her apartment.
I kept following her until we reached a government agency. What is she doing here at this hour? From afar, I could see her looking at her phone.
Then a notification popped up on my phone. Oh! I'm the one she's texting.
L: Hi, Jen! I'm sorry I wasn't able to message you right away. I'm still at work. How are you?
Her message made me smile but wait. Work? Are you lying to me, Lisa?
I didn't reply back yet.
I saw her going inside a red gate beside the government building.
I waited for thirty minutes until she comes out.
I am expecting her to text me and ask to see each other. She is calling someone on her phone when she reached her bike. I am expecting my phone to ring, but unfortunately, it isn't me she wants to talk to.
I followed her again the moment she hit the road.
And we reached this fancy restaurant.
I saw her approaching a woman in her 40s on the table. She embraced Lisa. I felt something's off.
Why are they this sweet? I mean, she is sweet to Lisa while handing her a gift. Lisa is not touching her back. She has this sugar mommy vibes. She keeps touching Lisa. Her face. Her neck. The nape. Lisa's lips. And I don't know where else as this view from the glass window is very limited.
Wait.
Is this your hobby, Lisa?
My heart is crushing. I don't know why I can feel it breaking. No. I am not in love. This is impossible. But fuck. It hurts!
I couldn't take it anymore. I left the place immediately.
When I reached my unit, I got a lot of messages and missed calls from her.
I never answered any of it. I am angry! Why didn't she tell me?
After an hour, I heard the doorbell. I peeked on the whole and it's her.
I stayed quiet. I wonder why she's not curious why I'm acting like a bitch and cold right now? She has to think that I am mad at her for not replying to me for so long. But why is she so relaxed? She actually has this calm personality. But whenever we have this situation, she would beg for my attention.
Now, I don't respond when she talks to me here at home.
I took a glass of wine and stood near the window while watching the city lights. Then I felt her embrace behind me while her chin is on my shoulder.
Shit. It's the first time she did this to me!
"I was aware you were following me." She whispered.
Fuck. The air from her mouth slipped from my ears down to my neck when she kept sniffing me gently after saying her words. I feel so hot.
But I was shocked that she knew.
"Se—seriously? How d—. How did you know?" I asked.
She's still embracing me when I faced her.
"I have my ways." She is too soft and serious. Her eyes are speaking a lot but I can't get it.
"So—. Uhm. Is she—? Hmm." I couldn't finish my line. I'm stuttering and afraid of what I might hear.
"No. Not my girlfriend. She kept giving me stuff. She wants me but I never promised anything back." She said.
"Sugar mommy? Didn't know that's your taste." I teased her.
"Some people would see it that way. But I never asked anything from her. I just appreciate the care she has been showing me." She said.
"You know, you can just be honest with me, Lisa." I am serious now.
"If I have a girlfriend, I won't go out with you. I ended everything between us. There's nothing really going on between her and I." Her deep voice is so soothing.
"A—are you sure? I mean—." I don't know what to say. All I know is I want to ask her if I can court her. I am no longer letting this pass.
"I did it because I'm going out with you. I think it's just the right thing to do." She said and looked down. My heart skips a beat in a very good way!
I think this is the right time.
I looked at her straight in the eyes sincerely. Shit. She really has a beautiful face!
"Lisa, I think I have feelings for you. It's deep and it gets deeper every time I'm with you. Will you let me court you and express what I feel for you?" And here I am being too honest and emotional.
She suddenly removed her hand on my waist and sat on the couch.
"Look at our status, Jennie. You are famous. I don't want people to attack you. I am not sure if I am the right person for you. No. I am sure that I'm not the one for you." She looked down and kept rubbing her thumb.
"Then why did you end everything between you and that woman to be with me?" I asked. My voice is shaking.
"Because I respect you. I want what we have now. And to be honest, I want more than this. But there's a lot you need to know about me, Jennie. And you don't wanna know it. You wouldn't want to pursue me if you discover.
You have only seen this huge birthmark on my arm that's why I always cover it with coat and jacket. It ain't an insecurity.
I cover it for my security. And I don't want to drag you in every mess I do, Jennie."
Why can't you just say straight to my face that you are also ending what we have right now, Lisa?