My hands tremble as I help set the table. It's Friday night and per the usual, my mom has invited Eddie to have dinner with us. We discussed that tonight would be the night we tell her and I'm a nervous wreck. Over the last week, I've gone to my doctor and confirmed I am in fact pregnant with some bloodwork. I have scheduled my first ultrasound for when I'm a little further along. I have the paperwork from my doctor in a folder in my room, ready to show my mom when I know she will ask for it.
Eddie is still as happy as a clam at the idea of being a dad. He has had a hard time knowing and not being able to tell anyone. Every time we see our friends he is practically bouncing in place with excitement and they watch him with perplexed expressions. Luckily, Eddie is an odd ball and they don't read too much into it. They have noticed my stress though. Max and Robin have called me a few nights after school to see if I was alright, having noticed I was incredibly tense throughout the day. Chrissy has even stopped by unannounced with candy and snacks to make sure I wasn't having any panic attacks or PTSD symptoms, worried my behavior has been due to the attack. It's killing me to not be able to rely on them right now.
I glance up at my mom as she moves around in the kitchen, setting rolls on a tray to go in the oven. Her golden hair is pin straight and comes down to her waist. Her frame is elegant and lean, even her fingers move gracefully. Our faces are so similar and I wonder if I will look like her when I'm her age.
My mom was a teen mother. She didn't have it easy and I know it. I was there for every hardship, for every failure. But I was also there to watch her reach her dreams despite it all. I know my fear is due to not wanting to disappoint her. She has worked so hard to have us both come so far. I'm so young. I don't know if I am as strong as she was. I accidentally drop a fork due to my trembling fingers and my mom's eyes jump up to mine.
"You alright, sweetheart?" she asks, wiping her hands on a towel and preparing to come around and check on me.
"Yea," I say, waving her off. "Just lost in thought."
I shake myself slightly and set the rest of the utensils on the table before I move to the sink and wash off the fork I dropped. I dry it with the towel my mom tossed on the counter and I set it on the table, stepping back to survey my handiwork.
I hear the front door open and my shoulders relax slightly. I take a deep breath as Eddie's feet carry him into view and when I look up to meet his gaze, I'm surprised to see the panic I have been searching for, for the last week. My eyes widen as I take him in. He's as white as a ghost in the doorway, his hands ringing over and over again in front of himself. His hair looks more wild then normal as though he rode here with the windows down, which would be ridiculous. Even though it is early spring, the air still has quite the chill. His lips look chapped, as though he has been worrying at them with his teeth. His eyes frantically search my face, but before I can say anything my mom comes around the corner holding her lasagna with some pot holders. She sets it down on a towel in the middle of the table, smiling.
"Eddie, sweetheart, you're just in time!" she beams. When she looks up, her face falls though and she looks between Eddie and I for a moment.
"What's wrong?" she asks. "Is everything alright? Is Wayne alright?"
My mom steps towards Eddie with a hand over her chest obviously worried for the worst and I'm completely frozen. I don't know what to do. It's almost as if sirens are going off in my head and I can't figure out how the hell to turn them off.
"Ripley's pregnant," Eddie blurts and I gasp. Well, that's one way.
My mom freezes, her hand outstretched towards Eddie. No one moves or says a word. My heart hammers loudly in my chest as I watch my mom turn completely to stone. The kitchen timer eventually goes off for the rolls and I move to go get them, but my mom finally cracks. Her arm jerks out and she gestures for me to stay where I am as she slowly turns and vanishes into the kitchen without a word. Once she is gone, I reach behind me and grab a throw pillow from the couch and chuck it at Eddie's head. It hits him squarely in the face, catching him off guard and he huffs loudly.
"What the hell was that?" I hiss and he moves forward to put the pillow back, joining me by my side. He shrugs and his face is lined with dread.
"I fucking panicked. I realized about halfway here that maybe not everyone will be as excited about this baby as I am."
"You think?" I grumble and his face falls as he looks at me. I realize what he must be thinking once the words leave my mouth and I flinch.
"You're happy, right?" He asks softly and I open my mouth to answer just as my mom re-enters the room with the basket of rolls.
"You two," she says, pointing at Eddie and I. "Sit, now."
Eddie and I scramble to our chairs without another word. My mom makes our plates in silence, her jaw set in a hard line and my stomach churns. We mumble our thanks and my mom nods, reaching for her bottle of wine. She pours herself a glass, filling it nearly to the brim and my eyes widen. She takes a hearty swig and sets the glass back down, clearing her throat.
"What are you two planning to do?" she asks. Eddie already has a mouth full of pasta so I sigh and put my utensils down, looking at her.
"We are going to keep the baby," I say and she nods, her eyes fixed on her plate.
"What about school?"
"We graduate in a few months," I say, looking over to Eddie who nods supportively. "Eddie has been working with a record label in the hopes that they can make something productive with the band. They discussed earlier this week starting show rotations at nearby clubs to build a fan base and to bring in extra money while they work on the album."
My mom nods slowly, but remains stoic. The fact that she hasn't said anything is completely unnerving.
"I had already applied to Hawkins Community College to get my sports medicine degree. I haven't heard back from them yet, but assuming that I get in, I can go to class in the morning and work in the afternoon. I'll be home before Eddie has to go off to work with the band at night."
"And what about you and Eddie?" she asks, sniffling slightly but her eyes are dry when she finally drags them up to meet mine.
"What about us?" I ask, my eyebrows furrowing. I assumed my explanation would make it obvious that we would still be together.
"How will you two manage time for one another and a stable relationship with so little time?" she asks, bringing her elbows up on the table and resting her chin in her hands.
"We will have to manage, mom," I say, a little frustrated with her doubtful tone. "It isn't just about us anymore."
She runs a frustrated hand over her face and shakes her head. The table grows quiet for a moment. Eddie fidgets at the other end, his food long forgotten.
"Where will you live?" she asks, looking up at me and my blood runs cold. I sputter slightly, my worst fear coming to life.
"She'll live with Wayne and I until we can find a place of our own," Eddie says. His voice sounds too loud in my ears, but I'm thankful he finally found the courage to speak as words have left me completely.
"No," my mom says shaking her head. "I don't want her moving out until you have your own place."
I look up hastily, my neck snapping as my gaze falls back on her. Her green eyes search my eyes, but I can't place the emotion behind them.
"What?" she asks. "You didn't think I'd kick you out?"
I remain silent and my mother sighs, taking another swig of her wine. She turns a little in her chair so she is facing me more fully and I gulp, preparing for the lecture.
"Ripley, I can't say that I am thrilled by this news," she says and I nod, understanding. "But I would not toss you out on the street to fend for yourself. Especially not while you are pregnant with my grandchild. I had just assumed you two had already discussed your options since you were prepared to answer all of my other questions. Listen, I know what it is like to get pregnant at a young age and to watch as the people around you turn into strangers because of it. This isn't the path I want for you, but it isn't my life. I'm just along for the ride at this point, if you'll let me."
I nod, tears building and overflowing from my eyes and my mom reaches out a hand to wipe them from my cheeks. I look over at Eddie and he is crying as well. He lifts his napkin up to his nose and blows it loudly, making both of us laugh.
"And you mister," my mom say, pointing a finger angrily in Eddie's direction. He cowers slightly in his seat. "Are on my shit list."
"I'm sorry," he says holding his hands up defensively. His eye slide over to me and he smiles. "She's just too pretty. It's honestly your fault. You made her look too nice."
I blush at his words and my mom snorts, rolling her eyes.
"Men," she mumbles under her breath. She picks up her knife and waves it lazily in Eddie's direction. "You be good to them, or I'll castrate you. Got it?"
"Got it," Eddie says with a salute, sitting bolt upright in his chair. I laugh again at their shenanigans as my mom finally relaxes and starts to eat her food. I follow her lead and dig in, thankful that, that conversation is finally over with.
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Once dinner is done, Eddie and my mom offer to clean up and I decide to sit out on the back porch for a while. The air is cold and crisp so I grab a coat and plop down on one of the lawn chairs, looking up at the stairs.
Mom wanted to see my folder just as I predicted and I had gone to grab it as we ate our lasagna. She talked all things medical as I munched away, trying to keep up. There is so much to know and learn while you are pregnant, I'm already a little overwhelmed from the information she just gave me tonight. She promised to take me to the book store tomorrow so I can read up on what to expect and it has helped with my anxiety a little.
I hear the back door open and I turn to see Eddie stepping outside, huddled in his leather jacket.
"It's colder then a snow bunnies tit out here," he chatters and I laugh, shaking my head.
"It's definitely a lot warmer then it has been. You are just a baby."
"Am not," he pouts and I give him a dubious look. He huffs and moves forward. Eddie sinks down and sits in my lap, curling into my side and I chuckle.
"Not a baby, huh?" I laugh and he throws his arms over my shoulders.
"Shut up," he grumbles, a smile in his voice.
We are silent for a moment, curled around one another and looking up at the stars.
"You never answered my question from earlier," Eddie says, swiveling slightly in my lap so he can see me more clearly. I sigh deeply and look up into his brown eyes.
"I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that I am pregnant, much less pregnant with your baby," I say, emotion clouding my voice and I cough slightly to try to clear it. "But every time I think about things , I am gripped by the most crippling anxiety I have ever felt in my life. What if something happens? What if I can't do this? What if you think I'm hideous pregnant? What if you fall out of love with me? What if everything changes in the worst possible ways? What if I fail my child? What if I'm a bad mother? I can go on and on forever. I also worry about the logistics. How are we financially going to do this? Talking about it is one thing, but actually doing it is another. And then that thing my mom said has gotten to me. What if we break up because we can't make time for each other?"
I'm hyperventilating and I feel like my chest is going to combust. Eddie reaches up and captures my face between his hands and peppers my skin with soft and sweet kisses until eventually I sigh heavily and sag against him.
"Atta girl," he chuckles, reaching down to rub up and down my back. "Everyone worries about those things, sweetheart. With every new adventure, comes a laundry list of risk. The only question that should matter is; did I do my best? If the answer is yes, then the rest will fall into place. Just do your best and I'll be right here with you trying to do the same because that's all anyone can do."
"When did you become so smart," I sniffle as he wipes under my eyes and kisses my nose.
"Right around when you became a worry wort." He chuckles. "We will be alright, sweets. It's me and you, remember." I bury my face in his chest and listen to the steady beat of his heart, breathing in his familiar smell.
"You're right," I breath and I feel more relaxed then I have been all week. Eddie's hands continue to rub slow circles into my back as we look up at the stars.
"When are you going to learn that, that can happen from time to time?" he jokes and I laugh. I reach out and pinch his side, making him squirm and he tumbles off my lap and onto the ground. We both look at each other in silence for a second, our eyes wide. We burst into laughter, making a neighbors dog start to bark hysterically.
I stand up and hold my hands out to Eddie, helping him up onto his feet. He throws his arms around my shoulders, leaning heavily onto me and we teeter haphazardly from side to side. We chuckle for another moment before Eddie kisses me softly on the lips.
"I love you," he says and our eyes meet.
"And I love you."