17th November, 2022
The Light, The One who guides. Allah is An-Noor, The One who illuminates and reveals the divine light of all the worlds. His light illuminates the heart and provides clarity and guidance. Anyone who turned their back to the true light will be left in the darkness. A lot of us learnt that the hard way, I was in the dark because I blindly turned away, blaming the universe for my past misfortunes.
I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to letting myself vanishing from within, in order to experience grace. Find love and be whole again. I searched for peace in the wrong places and only found pain and more pain.
But after knowing the true meaning of the Light of the Graceful, I was able to breathe again. I have risen from the ashes and learned about life in the most cruel way possible. When I stopped the blame game, it was easy to forgive. Myself first before everyone, for taking the route to ruin me. One thing is for sure, there's no moving on to the soul that dwells and take pity on itself.
Letting go can be extremely hard! However, when one finally open their eyes and realized that no one was burdened with their happiness but themselves. It becomes easy to let things flaw as they came. Life is all about change, no matter how hard we try to keep things as they are, change will come eventually. So let go when you know you have to. Because there is a point of no return where only pain lays there.
From my experience, the best way to go by it, is to seek The Light, for the chance to stand up and be strong, to see beauty and be beautiful. For the ability to see others and ourselves, to see nature and its stunning variation is a great gift to each and every one.
Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.
There's this beautiful path that won't be discovered without being lost. Now I understand what Auntie Rabi'a meant by 'she had to die first to reclaim herself again'. I went through that phase too. I face the real death, only to be whole again.
Every year on the day I turn older I always write a letter to myself. Be it a pile of reflective essay or just a short note I keep safe in my laptop. The majority of people think that older means wiser, but age has actually nothing to do with wisdom.
Each time I look back, something different soothes my nerves.
Sometimes it’s the change of what used to be firmly grounded yet stubborn understanding, other times it’s the fleeting awareness that leads me to cry for happiness or sadness or anything in between. Everything I write captures any peak experience, mental breakdown, a change of heart, endless debate in my head or maybe just simple small cumulative improvements.
For a change, I had to went back to where it all started. I wanted to take away the power of the painful memory for hurt, prove to myself that I could choose to move on. So I took the ones I love the most, my family, and on that spot we made a great memory, a happy one. Now when my brain goes back there I divert it only to the good memory, the healing one. It's as if I wrote a good story over the top of a bad story, and in time the ink of the bad story fades away until only the good one remains.
Though, those painful memories are books with chapters, deep and horrible; and so I learnt to leave them on the shelf to gather dust. Though I can pick them up if I need to learn something, to gain a perspective that helps me to create my own good story. I can use them to re-see situations through the lens of their needs and traumas rather than mine. I want today, tomorrow and every tomorrow after to be wonderful; I want to choose what to write on those blank pages.
One thing you must keep in mind, though, healing is a process that will almost pull you down, only to bring out the better. So going through it, is only easy when surrounded with people that really make you a matter. It's a process that'll require you to prioritize yourself and face your inner feeling, making patience at the top of the list. The truth is that no one cannot find peace by avoiding life.
We are healed of a suffering, only by experiencing it to the full. Therefore, I can say I passed my past trials through the waking of my inner-self, the one with the power to heal and be the person I was always destined to be.
"Hun, are you still at that?" I see smiled at the intruder, who further intrudes with a peek on my forehead.
"Almost!" I replied trying to save the documents I'm writing on my laptop. I writing a book! Yeyyy!
"I hate to disturb your typing time, but this angel right here is bored of being with daddy." Yes, you heard that right, I have a daughter, a beautiful and lovely one at that.
I smiled at my husband and daughter again after saving my document. And seeing stood up, Ayhan starts giggling, in her father's arms, she knew I'm coming for her.
"Mamma!" She literally jump in my arms and immediately hug my neck.
"Awnn! I missed you too, angel." I said stroking her back and that makes her to snuggle further into my neck.
"Wallahi, if you have seen how she cried on our way back home, someone will assume I kidnapped her." Her dad said looking us in awe as always. "She refused to even let Nabilah hold her despite her all her efforts."
That made me laugh, "you two have been gone for too long, babe. So it's only fair for this little one to miss her mamma so much." I reasoned with him, he'd a work related meeting with abbah. So he took Ayhan with him, because she's clinging on to him like a second skin when he's about to leave. And they all missed her.
"Abbah said you made her to be too clingy on you, that she won't even smile without you being there."
"It's okay, love. Don't mind my abbah." I said to Ayhan looking into her big bright eyes, the exact replica of mine. I can only imagine the kind of drama she pulled for abbah to have said that, she's apple of his eyes after all. As for Nabilah, we're used to hearing her called us gluey. Which Auntie Rabi'a soon followed suit.
With a hint of smile still on my face, I sat on the rocking chair in our bedroom, all set to breastfeed my baby girl, my gluey, hah! I rock her to sleep for he'd a long day, clenching her dad shirt.
Well, I don't mind that Ahyan is too clingy on me. Not once did I mind, not even when she decides to sleep only on my chest at night. It doesn't really matter, I will do that and more. She's my daughter and just a baby of one year and three months old. So she will always need me around her.
With Ayhan, it's like repaying my infant-hood, giving her all that warmth only a mother could give. For as long as I breathe air into my lungs, Ayhan will not lack anything I can offer her, I will be that mother I desperately wanted to have in my life back then.
Being a mother has given me the biggest closure, especially in my relationship with my own mother. The birth Ayhan was able to made me see my mother in a more different light, even though we have been good before that. I was able to understand that every mother does what she thinks is the best for her child, even if it turn out that she's wrong. She's her only truth!
My experience had taught that for as long as one is alive, they will never graduate from the school of life, for it's a never ending circle of learning. Some years ago I used to think that my only dream is being abbah's daughter, and till date, I'm still in love with the fact that I'm his daughter, his only child and the love of his life.
Though, I still fall in love with the kindest soul, the man that made me have a dream and make me start participating in my future. Being married to him for three years, have been a true blessing. Although, it's taken both of our energy to be there, to be a couple and love each other with no condition.
There's a point we gave up on each other, for we thought it's our wishful thinking, not realising our fate had long been entwined even before we exist. It's amazing that he's resilient enough to stand for us and believe in us, when I had zero faith. For more than anyone he believe the road to recovery is very rough and the potholes can be deeper than expected. So together, we pulled through, because he's damn sure of our future, like the day he held Ahyan into his arms and called her our daughter. "I told you, we're meant to be." He had said. And that still warms my heart.
"Isma'il!" I called him, looking away from the already sleeping figure of our daughter, his eyes soon found mine at the right moment, and I swear my heart still beat faster from the way he look at me. It warmth will always felt my heart like it did before and still doing. And that take my thought back on a tour, thinking back to the moment that I couldn't believe I was really in love with him.
It's incredulous to me then, because I never wanted him out of my sight. One time he'd had taken his annual leave and decided to spent all of it in Kaduna. Lo and behold on the second week my bag was all set to visit Inna Yalwa. Obviously not to see her, but because I was as disoriented as hell, Isma'il was ignoring me, for my one sentence to him back then was "I'm not sure, Isma'il, I need more time and space. So he gave me time and space, which only made me realized I couldn't stand his absence and my heart had already claimed him.
"What?" He questioned, his eyes curiously scrutinizing me as I ended retrieve, finally distracting him from trying to re-arrange our messed up bedroom.
"I love you!" I said, and his lips spread into a big fine smile as always, I only later realise that the way he smile at me, was different from the way he did to others. Or maybe it's just in my head, but I love him nevertheless, my perfectly imperfect husband. "What?" I asked in between my smile as he got up from where he was just to kissed my forehead.
"I know you do, Noorie. Beside, I'm all yours to love!" He said and go back to sorting out our clothes from the suitcase as we just returned from Sokoto state the previous night. Naana got married!
Yeah, my sister is all grown and we have been closer than ever before. From day one, Naana Bilkisu my sweet sister have been one to trust. But who she married is what will interest you more. For from the very moment Asad had led his eyes on her, neither of us had rest easy until he sweep the girl off her feet. And now he shamelessly call my Yaya Noor.
Indeed, happiness have really graced my life. Everything in my life have been good. Having a good relationship with my maternal family have been a big addition in my life. Especially since I'm became more sensible than I was during our first meeting. They learned to accept me for the person I'm rather than the person the have wanted me to be. And that way we both learnt to respect each other.
However, my life didn't just turned to sunshine and rainbows after what I have been through, life will never be without any trouble, I still have my share of difficulties, only that now I know I'm not alone. I have a battalion of people ready to come to my aid, battling my battle with me. Therefore, I'm not afraid for any such encounter, especially with a partner like mine, three amazing women and abbah, girl you're good to go.
However, in this life, they're also people that we can't completely take out of our lives. Like Mubin that have be there, even after everyone known what he'd done. My relationship with him hasn't improve more than it's before. Though, years have passed and I forgave him for his misjudgements. He's only human after all and we're connected by our loves one. So for now, he remain there at the lower back page of my life.
But they're those people that made my sorrow, enabling it, until they're sure it flourish. Like Hajiya Atika whom have lived her last days in misery. Before she met her dead two years ago, Hajiya had faced the raw negligence of her children to its core. She had been sick since she broke her lap, years back while I was still on my crutches. Indeed, life had tested her with power and defeat.
As for Salisu, it turned out that being thrown out of the army was just the beginning of his own misfortune. Finally, his deed start coming up to him. His wife left with the children because she couldn't stand him for the reason best known, for my story with him still remained a secret to them. And around Zaria, there's no job for him. For the reason for him being thrown out of the military was no news to the town.
And however, along with some so many thing that I have put behind me, Salisu and his kind became a past participle in my life. For a beautiful future I had to let go, and I no longer carry myself around that sorrow anymore. However, my triumph wasn't their misfortune, rather, it's letting go even though it's taken a lot from me. Sometimes, it's never too later.
"Babe, the guy from BR Pharmaceutical called, again!" Isma'il started that night, with smile that can convince me if I allow it. we have just finish dinner and watching tv in our living room. "Say something," he added when I didn't respond.
"I still haven't decided yet." And my brows knitted for a moment, before finally deciding. "I love what I do right now. You know I don't like the stress. I have a family to look after." I said with pride and that earned me smile from him.
Oh yeah, I completed my studies. Exactly three years ago, right before my marriage, it had been a hustle to read after that accident. But Alhamdulillah, Nadia was there helping throughout, although, I graduated a year after her, due to the accident.
I work as a pharmacist at the National hospital. Although, abbah is putting ideas of starting a pharmaceutical into my head. He even fed Nadia the same idea, but my ever so loyal friend had already taken too much fancy into chinese medicine, and couldn't stay for that fine offer. Maybe later in our lives.
"They have a good offer, and it's a big company." He try to reason as usual.
"Exactly why I don't want to work with them, the job will be too demanding."
"Then, we will bring in a stay home maid to help with somethings, like a nanny for Ayhan." Same nanny topic again, according Isma'il I'm doing too much by myself. Other than the cleaner that comes to clean the house thrice a week and does laundry too. We have no house help around the house.
I feel that we're just starting as a family and we need to grow on our own first, before bring anyone home. Beside, there's nothing much to do for extra hand. "No dear, Ahyan's nanny is already right here." I pointed at myself, disagreeing with him for the nth time since I went back to work after Ayhan was born.
And yes, Isma'il and I do disagree on a lot of things, of course no marriage is perfect. Mine too, isn't. Yet, that doesn't mean we have a problem. It only means both of us are humans and I'm still as stubborn. And growing up made me realise that life is an ongoing process, learning as we move and with that movement comes growth and experience. Yes, this my story of growth
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Assalamu alaikum warahamatullahi ta'ala wa barakatuh, lovelies!
I will start by sending my appreciation to you all, thank you💚💚💚. You guys are beautiful, you have made this book amazing, your reads, comments and vote have been supportive, I know I'm not the best writer, not to even talk of frequent. So, thank you very much once again.
Yeah, we all know this was coming. Farewell to Noorur-rahma, hope you learn a thing or two. I really hope that in some way my book make a little difference to your life.
Alhamdulillah. It's a long journey, but you made it happened. For Noor and every character, they're sending you their love and lots of hugs.
For that, each and everyone one of you is free to ask any question regarding this book. I mean anything, and In sha Allah I will answer it.
Again, If you feel that there's something that's suppose to be in this book, but isn't. You're also free to ask why. Or if you feel that some certain part ain't suppose to be here, you're also free to say why. So everyone let make this as lively as it can be, please. After all this is also the last chapter.
Oh yeah, please don't forget me in your prayer, I have started writing my final year exams.
Stay tune, bless and happy!
Bye for now💚💚💚