LISA
Her arms wrap around me so tightly that I almost feel like I'm being crushed. I can feel her concern, I can feel what kind of chaos is going on in her, which is why I also wrap both arms around her. If we weren't pressed so close together, the blanket would have fallen down long ago and I'd be stark naked again - which I can't be right now, even if my skin still tingles from her touch.
But how can I explain to her why I'm on fire for her one moment and having a panic attack the next?
How can I explain to her that I'm not afraid of her, but of what she can trigger in me again?
How, how, how...
How can I explain to her how broken I am. Wait. No.
You're not broken now, Lis. You're safe again, don't forget that!
"Lisa, my angel..." She breathes on my hair and kisses the top of my head. This small, tiny gesture goes through my core and really shakes me. "Tell me what is going on."
I still can't get a word out, just leaning against her white t-shirt, which she put on when she left, and clutching at it
"Lisa, say something." Her words are so gentle and full of fear. What is she afraid of? If so, I'm afraid that she won't be able to accept me if she finds out everything.
She pulls away from me just enough to look me in the eye and places a hand on my cheek, stroking it. I would like to close my eyes and enjoy her touch, but the flashback from earlier still follows me like a cold draft.
Her eyes look at me so warmly. So why and slowly but surely drive the cold out of me. How can she just look at me like that or am I just imagining it? Everything is so crazy. My life is way too crazy. I'm not even of legal age. But what drives me crazy the most is her.
Jennie Kim, the hot devil, the arrogant bitch who breaks me from all my principles and the only one who makes me be unfaithful.
She is the only one who gives me this insatiable - even painful - desire.
"Please."
My breath hitches. I've never heard her beg for anything in the last two and a half months. I would so much like to take away this nervousness from her, but I have to collect myself first. And I can't do that when we're both almost naked and I'm in imminent danger of burning not only my fingers but also my entire body.
"I want to change into something fresh." I say, as she tries to say something. "My stuff."
Again this helpless look is on her face and I would like to explain to her why I am the way I am. Why I can't let myself be suppressed like that and what not. Why I can't be what she needs. Oh, what am I even talking about? Such a hot woman as Jennie Kim... I would never be what she needs. I mean, this woman is a pure SEX GOD!
"You want to go?" She pulls away from me a bit, as if I'd slapped her in the face, and immediately I want to feel her hug again.
I shake my head, almost imperceptibly. "My bag is in my car and I just wanted to get it."
"Stay here and don't you go away, okay? I'll be back in a few seconds with all your stuff."
She pulls away from me for good, immediately missing her warmth, I look at her and she stretches out her hand for me to give her my car keys, which are on the dining table. Before she leaves, she rests her forehead on mine, her breath tickling my cheeks and making me come back more and more. Back to her. She kisses me very tenderly and my whole body tingles and my heart is racing, which I cannot describe. It feels so beautiful and safe. Very different from when Dean used to kiss me. I feel so... safe.
But I've learned from my past that I can't trust my feelings.
"I am sorry." She whispers before disappearing out the door.
I would like to scream after her that I'm sorry and she can't help it. That she shouldn't waste her time with me. But I can't do any of the same because as soon as she's gone I feel this cold emptiness inside and I'm engulfed in the darkness of my past.
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A/N: I love writing this book but honestly I don't have much ideas left... 😭😂