Warning: this may content triggers!!!
Noor doesn't know exactly where it hurts. It's just same old dull dry ache of the soul. Nevertheless, it aches more now, being old and dry did not made it any less painful. It still crush her soul even more now, more because her perfect secret have another bearer. Mubin knows, and she knew just how much he can judge blindly. He have questioned her character from the moment they knew each other.
Perhaps, it's karma! Karma because she have always been blunt and says whatever. But how could she have said that? She exposed herself to Mubin disdain. She have try to control her tears and focus on the road but nothing about that was easy. She thought it's over! But it's renewed now, she didn't know that the wound are still fresh even after all these years of being okay.
Though, she's never okay with. Because she did not allow herself to move on from her trauma, Noor had let it blossom in her system and they grown altogether. It's like she's nurture that pain and never let it subdue, linked any bad thing that happened to her to that misfortune. Her birth mother has gotten her own fair share of the blame. Noor blamed her, for she believed if her birth mother had ever care about her, then she would have taken care of her when her father was away.
When Noor reached home twenty minutes later, she stopped at nowhere but her room, her mind was so absent that she didn't noticed her abbah and his wife in the living room, when abbah called her so lovingly, her mind was so far away to hear him. The second she's in her room she fell flat on her stomach, even with how hard she had tried, the very second she closed her eyes, her mind and soul went back to that fateful night.
It's three days after abbah had left for hajj that year. And exactly five months prior to that, abbah's second marriage to Hadiza ended, it ended when abbah had to carry her lifeless body to the hospital. She had been subjected to too much torture for a child her age. And soon after she's diagnosed with chronic asthma, cold became her friend when Hadiza became her guardian. The woman throws her bucket of cold water any chance she got, for every little mistake, it's pure torture. The trauma Hadiza had inflicted in her was still fresh, after all it's a whole year of being tortured. Noor had just regained her freedom only to be thrown to a point of no return.
"What abbah didn't know will never hurt abbah, so you better keep your mouth shut. And that way you will continue being your abbah's little girl, if not just like everyone of us here and out there. Your dearest abbah will hate you so much that he will not want to see you again, so you better keep this big mouth of yours shut." That's frightening, Hajiya Atika's venomously voice had warned after the damage was done, if only Noor knew that the old woman was only saving herself and son at that moment.
If only! That's her biggest regret, she learned too late that Hajiya Atika tricked her. And she finally learning that truth, it crushed her, because she could not talk to anyone about it. And that's why it pierces her heart that when she finally said it openly for the first time, it's to Mubin. Same Mubin that believes her ways are wrong, and everything is her fault.
However, it wasn't her fault when Salisu had lured her to his room that night. She could never have guessed, she wouldn't have known he was up to no good. He's her uncle, her abbah's younger brother.
Salisu is the youngest child in the family. He's always been bad, and joining the army hadn't add any sense of discipline to his already rotten behavior. Having his room at the inner part of the house, had caused Noor more than her smile. As fate had it that night, she's the only child around. There's a wedding happening at one of her aunt's place and almost no one was home. Hajiya Atika said it's cold outside, so she stayed at home with her. That were abbah's orders before he left.
When Salisu held from behind and shove her on his bed, It’s unfathomable. It didn't took long before Noorur-rahman thought she was being stabbed with knife. No other experience can compare to the ripping and bleeding of flesh, the dread that courses through one's heart, the hopelessness that sinks into the pit of one's stomach as they're forced to endure the torture.
It’s infinity worse because she was too young and too weak to fight back; all she can do was pray for the pain to stop, when screaming for help seemed useless, Noor can still hear the painful sound of hers scream, she still wonder if no one had really heard her until it was all done, when her inside felt as if it's being branded with hot metallic iron. Indeed, she was branded, damaged in the process of her useless struggle to free herself.
Time is a cruel mistress when you are suffering; every second stretches into what feels like an eternity. When the act was done, the pain last for days, and the trauma will always gnaw in the back of the mind. Noor's truly never the same, no matter how many years have passed, especially when she have to pretend all is well.
Hajiya Atika did not made her son Salisu to raped her, which is true. But she kept quiet and manipulated the situation. Noor can still remember the moment Hajiya finally came to her rescue, her eyes were barely opened, though she can still remember how flustered the woman was. She had whispered yelled at her demon of a son, oh he's pure evil. "What on earth are you're doing Salisu?" Yes, Hajiya had cried, slapped him a crossed the face, but that didn't help Noor, not one bit.
Especially, since Hajiya Atika had explained how worthless she has finally became by opening her legs to her uncle. "You provoked him!" Hajiya had said while she's seat-bathing the still shock stricken Noor. Her brain was almost dead, while her worthless uncle only got away with a simple slap on his face. The damned basta*d still laugh at her face.
"You're impure, Nuratu. Not even Allah is happy with you. You're a very bad girl now, just as bad as your unkind mother who left us a burden. Who would want a child like you? She knew you will turn bad that's why she left." Noor agreed, every single word after all she was too young, right and wrong were just starting to make sense to her. The young Noor was learning from the adult, what they said is right, is what's right. Likewise wrong, Hajiya had made show she believed everything she wanted her to. And Noor believed she really provoked her uncle to do that to her, but how? She'll always wonder. How did she provoked that monster?
Her child mind can not understand why that had to happened her, why she's touched in such a despicable manner. Everything was hard to compress, so hard that she lost touch of reality. And for the first time Hajiya Atika let sleep on her big bed just to monitor her. She'll lay there for hours with her eyes wide open, that's how her days went by, other than using the restroom, Noor had no strength to do anything. Her little world was put in confusion. Nothing was longer comprehensible.
It took her days, days to to come to terms with her new normal, days of Hajiya Atika treating with whatever herbal medicine she's making her drink, days of her step-grandmother's brainwashing. It took her ten days to cry, that morning when she finally broke down, she hasn't talked since that day. Naturally, Noor has always been a girl of few words, unless really like talking to you. It became worst, because after what happened with her that day, Noor doesn't know if it's okay for her to talk. Who would she even talk to? Her abbah was thousands of miles away from her, and she have never felt so lonely in her life like had felt then.
Eid-ul-adha came, and she witness everyone's laughter, excitement for the return of the year. Even Salisu was there, happy and mingling with his family and friends. And that confuses Noorur-rahman even more, she could not even get out of bed or even look into anyone's eyes. But the guy, her perpetrator, he's okay, happy even. Then she began to assume whether it's a nightmare she lived in her dream and nothing as such happened. But that much physical and mental pain can not just came from a dream.
It did happened!
As the days rolled in and the day of abbah's return became closer, Hajiya Atika became more anxious. Therefore, she sent her son away, back to the military service he's trying to quit. When abbah finally came back from hajj, he could suspect nothing. Though Noor wasn't the same person she's before he left. She's became withdrawn and depressed. Abbah assumed she still hasn't recovered from her earliest trauma caused by his ex-wife. What he didn't know was that his daughter was shattered and broken and his stepmother had glued back the broken pieces with lies and deceit that later corrupted the girl's innocent mind.
Noor has been bubbly, even though she had always been a quiet child, but when abbah returned, the light and the smile had left her eyes. He became worried, Hajiya Atika told him she have been like that since after the incidents with Hadiza. And that she's just missing him.
She can still remember the day before her abbah came home, Hajiya Atika had warned her for the last time. It's the last time they have ever talked about it. Since that day Hajiya and her son had pretended nothing had happened, so did Noor.
Life goes on, though she didn't move on. Salisu went on with his life and Hajiya continue being malicious, while Noor's nights became more sleepless and terrifying, after that night Noor has never again slept peacefully in that house. And finally, after a year of misery, abbah decided to move to Abuja completely.
It gave Noorur-rahman some serenity and solace, the new environment did her good. And she and her abbah finally bonded again, finally learning to smile from his smile. When Noor was twelve years old, she finally understood what had happened to her that night. The word raped etched in her heart and soul but she never once uttered it. She learned that she didn't do anything to provoked Salisu that night, that's just what he's. Evil! Just like his mother. And that's how her fear turned to anger. She's abused by three people and abandoned by one, her mother. Hadiza, Salisu, Hajiya Atika and her birth mother became her mortal enemies.
Sooner, puberty hits Noor and things went from bad to worst. Going to Islamiyyah(madrasa) made her felt as if everyone's eyes was on her, especially when their female teachers start educating them on what to avoid when they reached puberty. It's a huge milestone that made Noor uncomfortable with her experience.
Gradually, Noor accepted that impurity that Hajiya Atika dumped on her. After all she had learned, she realised she have nothing to hide her body for. It's already damaged and no one would want it. When Noor was thirteen, she learned self defense, by then she already know how to control her emotions, it's at that age she learned all she became, from mean to being selfish and manipulative. That's her way of never letting anyone abuse her. She's done being helpless and goodness had long left her.
Nevertheless, all those years changed Noor but not the pain, nor the shame, neither the guilt of letting that happened. the wound never healed. Whenever rape is being mentioned, Noor becomes self conscious. Hence, she'd never engage or participate in that can kind of the discussion, she finds it offensive, particularly when people carelessly expressed that some rape victims allowed themselves to be raped. Who would subject themselves to that pain?
Rape.
How many people will believe she's actually raped? God! She have never ever mentioned the word rape before, even before knew what it's, and growing up and actually learning what happened to her was that, it became much more bizarre to say.
Now Noor wished she had told her abbah, maybe it would have been different, he would have helped her heal. Maybe she won't be crying right now and won't be heartbroken. Maybe Salisu would have been punished for his crime. And most importantly she might have not have been so angry at even her own Creator.
In spite of that, it still sting in her heart, If only there's a place she could have been other than the Danja's residence. Then all of that wouldn't have happened. She would have been a good girl.
...
The occasional barking of faraway dogs broke the silence of the night and keeps his mind awake. The moonless night was like the reflection of his soul, dull and black!
Isma'il could not bring himself to go home, he waited until it's late. For he don't know if he can face Noor with the empathy on his face. How could he face his Noorie, when he can't even console her? Even though it was from a far, he saw the shame in her eyes. How could she let herself suffer like that? He wished she could tell him. His heart hurts just thinking about it. And of course he's cried when he could no longer hold the pain anymore.
"Did you managed to talk to Noor yet?" Aunt Jamila asked when abbah came down for breakfast the next morning.
"No, she didn't give me the chance. She only told me that she wanted to be alone, so I had to leave her alone." Abbah settled in his seat, he's expecting his daughter any moment from then, when he left her room just now, she's in the bathroom.
"Good morning!" Isma'il announced his presence in the room, he's carrying a small smile just for the sake of it. They'll exchanged greetings before he asked for Noor.
"She's still in her room, how do you know she's home? You came home late last night." Abbah questioned hoping for a positive answer.
Isma'il becomes nervous, so he begin to fiddle with his fingers as he search for the right answer. "Do you know why she came home so distraught?" He sensed Isma'il's hesitation and it worries him.
"No abbah, I was on my way to visit her yesterday when she called and told me she's on her way home. She said she have cold."
"Cold!" Aunt Jamila repeated, not finding having cold with how bad Noor looked last evening.
"Yes, that's what she told me." He smile to suppress the growing confusing on their faces. And they kind of believed him since joined Noor them at moment and they quietly have their breakfast, while Noorur-rahman dreads facing Mubin again. Though before the break of the dawn she has already came up with how to deal with him.
And when Isma'il returned from work that evening, Noor and her abbah were in the garden, she has just finished convincing him that it's only cold as Isma'il had told them.
"I'm choosing to trust you, kitty. Even though I feel like you're not telling me exactly how you caught the cold." Abbah is relieved that she's okay.
"Go and rest, abbah. Aunty Jamila said you didn't sleep well last night, I'm sorry I bothered you."
He sigh patting her shoulder, "I'm going then. But, I'm always here, you know that right?" Noor nodded and her abbah left. And she can't help but feel glad that abbah didn't know that bitter truth. It's kill him to know he sponsored the expenses of his daughter's rapist.
Later Isma'il joined Noor on one the spacious cushioned resting chair in the garden after he's freshen up. They only smile at each other and let themselves be carried away by the moment. "I'm not going back to school again." Noor said after a while....
His brows knitted at once, it took some seconds to process what she said. "What's that? Why are you not going back to school?"
"I made a mistake, I don't think I can face it." She admitted, though avoiding his stare on her.
"Did you disrespect a lecture or fought with a student?"
"No, it's not either of that, I said something I regretted, so I'm ashamed to...."
"You're ashamed?" He interrupted, his heart stink from within. He knew it's not about him or his feelings. But how could she value Mubin so much that she can't face him now? "Do you value those you're ashamed of more your studies?"
"Isma'il." She smiled, "you won't understand this, when people already judge you without any reason, what do you think will happen when they have a good one?"
"Whatever that reason maybe, I don't think you should stop your studies for anyone, Noorie. If I were you, I will let those people who blindly judge me to carry the shame. I don't know what you did, but still, I don't think you did anything so grave, that it shame will stop you from going to school. I saw how happy you enjoy going to that university, you made friends, you opened a new chapter of your life there, and when you made those plans, I'm pretty much such it wasn't for a semester or two."
She let out small laugh as she quickly wipes the lone tear that escaped her eyes. "You see, I still haven't declined my Harvard scholarship, I still have six months before the offer expired. I can go there."
"Noorie, we talked about this already. I told you that whatever decision you decided to make, you should make sure you're doing it for yourself, not for others."
"You have too much faith in me, and it's scaring me, Isma'il. I don't want you to be disappointed in me later. And I think I'm doing this for myself, not for anyone. Too faith in people leads to heartbreak."
"I don't know if you will break my heart, Noor. But you can upset me, annoyed me even. But not disappointment, Noorie. I thought you wanted to be close to your abbah. Or did he already agree to let you go?"
"No, I haven't told him yet." She added sadly. Isma'il is right, perhaps going to Harvard is too extreme. Her subconscious reasoned. But after her outburst yesterday she feels like she's back to square one. Where she don't really know what to do.
"Noorur-rahman, I suggest you think about it again when your head is cool. And remember even if the whole is against you, screaming at your face, tolling, whatever the outcomes maybe, you only get defeated when you give up, all you have to do is to believe in yourself. Don't be ashamed of things you're not in control of." Noor only stare at him in awe. No doubt about if Isma'il continue rooting for her like this, she won't have any choice than to fell for. He already have a special place inher heart.
She smiles at him so brightly as if she'd never went through pain, she smiled because even though things have been bad and must of her encounters with people ain't pleasant. She's glad that at the end of the day after a rough experience, she have people that like him for assurance, assurance that her troubles ain't hers alone.
"Thank you!"
.........
Assalamu alaikum lovelies!
How have you been?
And is this chapter?
Well, am waiting for your votes and comment, lemme know your opinion.
Bye for now....
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