It's already passed 1am in the night, and Noor couldn't put herself to sleep. She tried everything, even pulling her hair, but in vein. It didn't helped that rained heavily that night. She's craving for a hot cup of chamomile tea to at least calm her nerves. That tea work wonders for her, but how could she go about making even a simple black tea in a stranger's house.
For the umpteenth time that night Noor sighed and stood by the window staring outside, she can barely sight the starless and moonless night from there. From there she feel the outside, the cool breeze that continue caressing her skin and droplets of the rain here and there. She felt as if she's being cage in God knows where, perhaps not even her abbah can find her now without the help of a GPS.
On a day like this, abbah will always remind her to close her windows or when she's already asleep, he'll do it for her. She misses him a lot. Her heart was souring! At first it seemed as though nothing was happening. Yet, she can't count the number of times her heart skipped a beat and beat overtime.
She knew losing it will not help. For the greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, it can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly, all other lost will echo and scream and be noticed. But when it's you fading away, no one will notice, especially when you always put up a beautiful smile to those who care. Wonder if they ever see behind that facade!
Noor sighed at nothing in particular again, she's really tired of everything. Especially the tightness in her chest, that pain has taken root into her chest and settled. No matter what she does, that knot that tightened her chest since the day she received the news of her birth mother, is still secured and strong in there. All she needed is consolation at for that moment.
Who could have thought she will ever care?
That day has been emotionally draining from meeting her birth mother to meeting the woman's children, it's all too much. Whenever Noor is feeling down like that, she'll lay her head on her abbah's lap and the two of them will stay quiet like that, silently appreciating each others company. But abbah is out of her reach now.
And the next second she's dialing her abbah's number, the call almost cut before he answered. "Noorie!" From his raspy voice, Noor knew she woke him from his sleep.
"I'm sorry for waking you, paapi!"
"It's okay, my dear. I was dreaming about you, good thing you called." He beams. How's he never getting tired of her? She will always wonder.
"I will facetime you now, hold up." It's exactly at that moment that Nafisa stood by Noor's door. Begining her first phaseof her daily night routine. She'll always wake up to check on her kids and put the younger ones to pee, to avoid wetting their beds. Though that night she only have Noorur-rahman stuck in her mind. She wanted to see her daughter while she's sleeping. However, its turned out that, the girl was wide awake just like her.
Instead of going about her business, she couldn't help but eavesdrops on Noor's conversation with her father. And that's when she really know, she had made a grave mistake. She could have established that kind of connection with Noor too. She could have been her best friend just like s with her other children, they tell everything.
But then, she don't know a single thing about her first child. She's no tad bit of doubt in her mind that Noor hates her. She noticed how Noor stared at her and avoided her eyes. It's so disheartening for Nafisa to witness, a tremor inside her still stay subdued in the cage of her chest, waiting for the perfect timing to explode. And now only the unconscious tears accompany her despair. And she wonder, with all the uneven look in Noor's eyes, will she ever forgive her? And what if she's still unable to face her daughter after all these years.
"Ok, now I can see your face, paapi." They both smile at their screens, while Nafisa stay rooted to the floor by the door.
"Are you okay, Kitty?" Abbah asked from the other end, the concern was evident in his voice. Noor went silent, for a while she only stares through her tablet screen, the worried lines on abbah's forehead deepens. And just when Nafisa thought they've ended the call, Noor talked again, rather lazily.
"Abbah, I even have a sister here, I mean sisters. Siblings!" She sighed at the ambiguity of the word siblings. Never have she ever thought about that.
"Are you happy?" He smiled excited for her.
Am I happy? "I don't know. But they seems happy about my presence, the children, I mean the siblings. Whatever!" She rubbed her face, shaking her head.
Abbah chuckles, "that's a good thing Noorur-rahman, you will get used to your siblings!"
"Uhmm!" She nodded fiddling with her fingers.
"And your mother?" Wow, that's weirdest thing her father had ever asked her, it's the first time too.
"Isn't that a bit awkward?" She half laugh.
"Yeah, it's. I'm just wondering if she's okay with you being there." And that simple statement was like an arrow that hit the aimed target, which is Nafisa's heart. For it sure hurt like an arrow pierced through her heart. She knew she have given them all the reason not to trust her. Yet, why will she not be okay with her daughter being with her? Or rather coming to her place for the very first time in her life. However, even her subconscious, is agreeing with them. "I mean her brother said it's going to be a surprised."
"Let not talk about her, abbah. We're good at that."
"Okay, how about we talk about your siblings then. Are they fun to be with? Though you just met them."
"Of course, but they fight over the TV's remote control, abbah. It's funny when I saw them rushing for the remote control when light came earlier. And whoever picked the remote first, everyone will have to watch what that person wants. Well except if they complain to their mother. Today they're forced to watch the cartoon, because their youngest brother personally hid the remote and they rushed for nothing. The little guy though asked if I want anything else."
"He's a nice little boy then. And maybe that's what siblings does over the remote controls, Noorie."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Are you alright, Noorur-rahman?" Abbah asked after he's sure her earliest expression have soften.
"I will be alright!" She smiled, forworn.
"She's also your mother, Noor. Not theirs alone. It's all my fault for not talking to you
about her. I should have told you about her, as a child, you would have grow up with the idea that a day like today will come. It's my fault for not preparing you for this meeting, therefore I'm sorry."
"You said it was your fault when Hadiza mistreated me! It's not your fault, abbah. It's also not your fault that she left us. It's her choice, she's the one that left and never looked back. I believe you did what was right for me. Even though, I'm here abbah, that wouldn't change the fact that she abandoned me and never look for me."
"Oh my Noorie, you have grown so much. I know how you're feeling, my kitty. Though don't let it get to you. I know that the one who is left behind always wonder what wrong they've done, often we
doubt our self worth, thinking we're not good enough. But Noorur-rahman, I don't ever want you to feel, any less of the person you are,because of that. You have been
fine without her and now I want
you to find peace and be happy
that you have a mother too. And that you
also get to meet her. Set yourself free, don't let the past determine your future." Noor snips and the awaiting tears in her eyes, set themselves free.
Looking at her abbah through her tablet screen, feels like he's right there with her. Though she wish he can hug her right now, so he could fill up that emptiness that wrung her heart.
"Shhhh, my baby girl. Don't cry Nooru. You're abbah's precious, I know I'm not perfect.... "
"Abbah!" She interrupts him, "don't, don't blame yourself. You said something about my destiny or fate. So stop taking the entire blame, they're other people responsible. And if anything ever happened me or you learned something in the future, which I haven't told you. Just know that you have been the world best father for me. You're my mom as well as my dad." She saw him chuckles.
"Stop being so sentimental now, okay. You're scaring me, Noorie."
"I'm just saying, you know I'm bad at being emotional, I don't like what I am feeling right now." Noor sigh rubbing her eyes. And that's how it goes on and ended, leaving Nafisa with a burden to carry.
She can still remember when her mother told her to go and bring her child with her, but she's adamant about it. According to her, Noor will come find her when she needs her. And now Noor is here, yet she's not sure if she needs her or she'll ever need her.
How could anyone ever think that leaving her months old baby behind was easy. Removing a very important part of you and leaving it behind was never made easy. Not for even her who kept pretending in front many, that that isn't a problem. Though, everyday of her life, every blessed night before putting herself to sleep, she will always wonder whether that child did well that day. In her prayers, Noorur-rahman will always comes first, for she is her craving, that's never satisfied.
Oh Lord! She will always called, take care of my Noor. However, a day has come when stood in front of her and couldn't do anything a yearning mother would have done.
Checking on her children became a story of another day. Swept up in the woe of her past, she went back to her to weep alone. "Noor is angry at you!" her brother had told her earlier on. And she can clearly see the hatred in her eyes.
Noor hates her! But whose fault was that? It's all her fault. All these years, she didn't bother to go after the child whom she left a baby. And now she can't even properly face that child, it's such a shame. Of course she shouldn't expect Noorur-rahman to be all over her. She stupidly thought a child will always be warm to their parents.
And now the weight of her guilt can not allow to be close to that child, she knew very well that it may damage things further. And by rough childhood Nafisa could only wonder how rough it was, the girl doesn't even smile. She's just so cold. What if she haven't left her? What if she had raised her child? Could she have still carry that huge look on her face, so cold and unreadable! What if there's nothing she can do to make Noor smiled at her. What if, what if, the list can go up all night and heart will still remain inconsolable.
Nafisa laid her head on her pillow, with her two palms plastered on her mouth as she try to control the rhythm of her snobs. She's drowning in the ocean of her despair as everything negative hits her with full force. That night she couldn't sleep.
She can still remember his love, he'd loved her so much, perhaps more than anyone. But he still chose his family over her, as if she weren't his family at that point. And that's where everything went wrong. She's also selfish, young and naive. She knew very well Adam hold his malicious family in high regard, he love them regardless of everything they had done to hurt her, which he obviously did not witness them do not even once.
Nafisa has always wonder how one can be so careful or maybe they have casted some ill spell on her ex-husband back then. But then Adam knew very well the kind of family he's blessed with. They're more like a curse. They've done worst to his own sister. And he still chose them over her and that became salt and insult to her wounds, how could he?
She had wished for a forever with him, especially when they birthed their very first child, whom Adam loves more than anyone, he once told her that Noor is going to be his consolation. For her, Nafisa heard he even quit his job, it's his dream job which he had struggled to found back then. He had worked so hard for. It's also one of the reason their marriage couldn't work, his family was just the addition. Even though he always shows his love and care to her, whenever he's at home he treated her like a queen. Though Adam was never around when she really needed him to be. When his half sisters and stepmother will insult her to tears, he wasn't there to defend her, and whenever she complained, Adam will told her to be patient with them.
That and everything in between was too much for her nineteenth years old self back then. She'd just given birth and his family wouldn't let her be. She'd suffered postpartum depression at that time too. Nafisa had felt lonely, isolated and confused.
Truth to be told, she never wanted a baby at that period, and when Noor was born she'd hard time bonding with her. She wasn't as excited, perhaps that's why it's so easy to let go of her baby girl, but that didn't mean she love her daughter any less. She fell in love her the very moment she held in her arms. What happened later, could be just put as fate designated event.
Nevertheless, now she can clearly see how much damage she had done to both father and daughter.
If only, if only she could turn back time. Perhaps her decision would have been different. Maybe!!!
.......
Assalamu alaikum!
Yes, of course it's me after a very very long time💚💚💚.
I missed you all, a lot.
I hope you all have been well....
I'm back, so is the network. And believe me, it's a very horrid experience. I know a lot of you can not image life without network. Well, I lived it and it's bad!
Anyways don't forget to share, comment and vote, love y'all
Assalamu alaikum warahatullah!!!