Love vs. Lust
Chapter 32
The days past quickly and soon it was time for Conner to return to college. Cole picked us up at our house and drove us to the airport. He looked different from what I could remember. He was definitely much more mature and much hotter then I remembered. I guess he grew up a lot in the year that I was missing.
I hugged Conner goodbye and promised him that I would be ok. I wasn’t sure if it was true but it seemed to make him feel better. Once he had boarded the plane Cole and I headed back to the car. I could tell that he wanted to talk to me but he was probably feeling just as awkward as me. It was strange being around him knowing that we had some sort of romantic relationship that I couldn’t remember. I wanted to know how serious it was but I didn’t want to ask so instead I just kept quiet and stared out of the window.
Cole pulled his car into my driveway and walked me inside. He asked me if I was ok and if there was anything that I needed before he left. When he was gone I felt relieved. I fell down on the couch, rolled into a little ball and cried myself to sleep. My whole life is a mess and from what I could understand it was all my fault.
I woke up to the sound of the doorbell ringing. I groaned and got up to see who it was. I wanted to ignore it but knew that Conner would be on the first flight back if it was Cole and he reported back to him that I was ignoring him. I pulled open the door and just like I thought, Cole was standing there. He smiled at me and held up a plastic bag.
“I thought you might be hungry” he said, still smiling.
“I guess I am” I replied stepping aside so that he could enter.
I locked the door behind me and sat down on the couch that I have been using as a bed for the last two weeks. Cole handed me some Chinese take aways and sat down on one of the empty couches. We ate in silence and I couldn’t help but wanting him to leave. When we were done eating he threw away our boxes and took a seat next to me. It felt strange being so close to him and to be honest it scared me.
I was about to tell him to leave when he pulled me into his arms and hugged me. I don’t know what came over me but instead of fighting him off I wrapped my arms around him and burst into tears. He held me until I stopped crying and when I pulled away his white t shirt was stained with tears. He looked really sad and nervous as he wiped my tears from my face. I felt a strange sensation run through my body at his touch making me even more scared.
“I’m so sorry Gabby, I feel like this is all my fault. If I didn’t lie to you none of this would have happened” he whispered, looking guilty.
“It’s ok” I replied since I didn’t really know what he was talking about. Conner had told me that he had dated Reagan before he hooked up with me and that she claimed that she was pregnant with his baby but that she was just lying and that it wasn’t his. He didn’t go into too much detail about my relationship with Cole or with Gordon, I suppose he didn’t know all the details.
“I think you should go now” I said getting up from the couch to get away from him. I didn’t want to be around him anymore, I didn’t like the way he made me feel.
“Ok, I’ll come around tomorrow again” he stated but it was more like a question.
“That’s fine” I replied walking over to the door and opening it. I could tell that he didn’t want to leave but he didn’t argue.
Once he was gone I took a long hot bath and got dressed in some pajamas. Conner had moved some of my clothes from my room to the guest room so that I didn’t have to go into my room. He didn’t understand why I didn’t want to go into my room but when I told him that I just wasn’t ready yet he didn’t question it any further.
I crept in under my blanket on the couch and closed my eyes trying to fall asleep without thinking about anything. I wanted to have my memory back but at the same time I was too afraid to remember. I had a dream about Gordon that night. I dreamt that I was running down the street and fell down in front of the ice cream parlor where he used to work. I was upset and heartbroken over something but I don’t know what. Then all of a sudden he appeared there next to me, helping me to my feet.
I woke up with a jerk, sitting up straight as sweat ran down my face. My heart was pounding in my chest while the empty hole was gaping causing me to hyperventilate. It was only a dream I kept telling myself but I wasn’t really sure about that, what if it was a memory? I sat there for what must have been hours, going over every detail of the dream.
At around mid day my cell phone rang. I ignored it the first time but picked it up the second time. It was Cole. He wanted to know if I needed anything and if he could come over so I told him that I did need something. I needed him to take me to go see Gordon. He didn’t sound very happy about it but agreed and told me that he would pick me up in a half an hour.
I quickly got dressed and combed my hair, trying to look half decent. My eyes were red and puffy from all the crying but I didn’t bother trying to hide it. I was probably going to cry again soon since my life is such a mess. Cole arrived on time as promised and drove me to the hospital where Gordon was. He walked me in but didn’t come to his room with me, instead he waited in the waiting area.
I tried staying in control of my emotions as I walked into the room and sat down on the chair next to Gordon’s bed. I took his hand in mine and held it tightly. I wish I could remember him, I didn’t want to fight the memories anymore, I wanted them back even if they were going to break my heart all over again.
“I wish I could remember you” I whispered as I got up from the chair and moved so that I was sitting on the bed with him. He looked a lot frailer then he did in my dream last night. I didn’t understand why he would have tried to kill himself if we were so in love. Nobody knew why he did it, everybody was shocked since we seemed to be so happy together. I sat there for a while before I decided that it was time to go home and look through my room. I kissed him gently on his head and then left feeling worse than before.
Cole and I were on our way out when one of the doctors stopped us. He wanted to talk to me about Gordon. Usually they talk to a patient’s family but he didn’t have any. The doctor looked cold and sounded heartless as he told me that he wanted to take Gordon off of life support since there was no chance of him ever recovering, he was as good as dead, he said. His words shocked me into silence, I couldn’t let them do that, I couldn’t let them take him away from me.
“No, not yet” Cole said from beside me. The doctor didn’t look impressed but agreed that he wouldn’t.
“Thank you” I said as we walked to Cole’s car.
“Anything for you” he replied, opening the door for me. I got in and rested my head against the seat.
We drove home in silence and Cole came in with me.
“There’s something I need to do” I said turning to him. I didn’t want to be mean and chase him away but I really wanted to go through my room.
“I can help” Cole said sounding a bit worried.
“No, I have to do this on my own” I replied.
“What are you going to do?” he asked, his voice thick with concern.
“I’m going to go through my room, I need to remember” I answered, determined to remember what had happened.
“Ok and remember you can call me anytime you need me” he said nodding his head.
“I know” I said walking him to the door.
Once he was gone I made my way to my room and threw open the door. I scanned the room with my eyes and was met by dozens of photos of me and Gordon. On some of them we were laughing, on some of them we were hugging and smiling and on some of them we were kissing. I felt a sharp pain rip through my heart as I looked at the love of my life who I couldn’t remember.