Pinnacle International college have been a solace, some sort of therapy too. Perhaps, that's what school are meant for. For me, it's where I sorted out my unsorted emotions. A place I can look back to with a silent laughter. It who I am, born different maybe.
Today as I set my journey out of that school, I felt a tinge of fear settled in my system. I have managed to secure my place in PIC, I only hope I didn't exhaust my luck in there. It's everything I ever wanted, the acceptance and recognition.
I wanted to be happy and dance just like the other students, but I couldn't. Just like making friends doesn't appeal me, rejoicing with them is pretty the same. All I met there were casualties. Though there were those that made my life special, Asad for example. My good friend, I wonder how our friendship will survive now, if we both take a different path. He might gone too, I might lose him with my indifference.
I quietly slumped in the passenger's seat my mind rummaging through my memories looking for something to use against me. But nothing, all it was able to pick, was the look on the substitute's face. Why did I even look back at him, when I didn't have to? That uneven stare! Why do I feel like he's accusing me of something? Since when did you care anyone is accusing you.
My subconscious reminded me.
I took a deep sigh looking our through the window. The roads shimmered in the heat of the midday sun. I let myself be consumed by the busy road, not actually picking interest on anything. But there I sat, staring. For rest of the drive I zoned out, and I didn't missed Isma'il's stares from time to time.
"Are you okay, Noorie?" Isma'il asked as he held the car in our drive way. The drive home, was a silent one. Neither me nor Isma'il said a word, I really appreciated that. My mind was already numbed with nostalgia or whatever, all that I could have done in PIC. Is that even it? What am I so afraid of? This isn't like me.
"Noorie?" And I was snapped out of my trance. "Are you okay?" Isma'il's concerned eyes fell into the unreadable mine.
"Uhmm," I mumbled getting out of the car.
"Noorie!"
"What?" I asked, almost rudely staring him in the eyes with a tight face. He's only concern about me, I told myself and it won't take a genius to know, that I'm not okay or as excited as I should be. I never thought leaving PIC is going take a toll on me. And something weird was also happening, with Isma'il's unmoving stare on me. He was never the one to stare like that. Why did they chose today to stare at me like that?
Leaving beside me, he stood in front of me blocking my way. With the way he quickly stood there, he could even hold me if he could. I can see the resistance in every gesture he made in that brief moment. He face palmed himself, moving a bit away from me. This guy!
"What's this all about, Noorur-rahman?" It's even more weird that he's talking my full name.
"What's what? I grimaced. He points at the left side of my cheek and I ran my hand over my face only to find it wet.
Okay, that's what is weird. My left eye was embarrassing me in front him. What was the need to tear up in front of this dude? I quickly wiped everything up, voiding my face with any emotion that'll make me lose my face.
Isma'il should be the last person to witness that. "Noorie, you're not made of stone, okay. It's okay to feel emotional and act on them too.... "
"That's not me, I don't need to act on my emotions." I caught him up, I don't need to here any emotion lecture at this moment or ever. And all my stupid mind could think of at that moment was I didn't bid a proper welfare to the substitute, as if that's even significant enough for my unfaithful mind to thought of.
Angry at even myself, I left Isma'il standing there. I know he is only concerned. And again, I walk away from another person leaving him with unfinished statement.
I pace to the front door, which I luckily don't have to break open. Maybe Asabe opened it when she heard or saw Isma'il's car. With a tight knot in my chest trying to put my emotion at bay, I barged into the hall way without any notice. But then, unexpectedly, I was encircled in a warm embrace. To say I was surprise will be the least.
"Abbah!" My eyes almost brim with tears, but not again. The stunt they put in Isma'il's car was more than enough for one day. I obviously didn't expect to see abbah, wasn't he supposed to be in a meeting with those sophisticated high profile businessmen, discussing whatever. "Ain't you supposed to in South Africa?" I narrowed my eyes, releasing myself from the hug. It had been ten days since he left and now he is here overwhelming me all over again.
"Surprise!" He said merrily opening his arms, I chuckle. I misses him a lot, and this place feels like home all over again.
"That's a big one!" I agreed.
"I'm so proud of you, kitten." He added with much enthusiast. Although, I'm more proud of myself. I'm done with PIC without murdering anyone, that's a blessing.
"I'm glad I didn't cause any trouble too." I smiled at him, at least he never knew of the amount of trouble I have caused all thanks to Mr Peter, who never saw any fault with me. I was the perfect student for him, the award winning girl. We both used each other to our advantage.
"Congratulations dear!" Abbah's wife follow suit with a big smile, opening her arms for a hug. Of course, I decently declined the gesture with a smile.
Abbah and I walk into the living room and sat on the sofa, his wife tagged along too. Soon after, Abbah and I were catching up, Asabe came with refreshment from the kitchen.
"Congratulations, ma'am. I'm happy for you. Congratulations to you too, Sir." Asabe said matching everyone's smiling faces.
"Thank you, Asabe." Abbah answered while I squeezed my face into a small smile.
"So how do you feel, Noorur-rahman?" Abbah's wife butt in, making her presence known again. Okay, this 'how do you feel' is getting me concern. Am I supposed to explode with joy?
"I'm glad, abbah is here." Was my simple reply.
"I mean for finishing your exams and all." She elaborate what she meant.
My upper lip lift up with a slight grimace, "nothing out of the ordinary. But it seems like everyone is expecting to see me dancing and what not."
"Not exactly, Noorie. Maybe this is what I expected from you. To have this nothing is happening attitude." With that abbah squeezed my hand gently and assuring. "I will be concern if you suddenly becomes Hannah Montana."
Yeah, that'll be most weird, me being hannah.
"When is the graduation ceremony happening?" Abbah asked again
"In five day, only family members. Then a dinner night that same day."
"Do you need anything regarding that?
"No, nothing. I'm almost ready preparing for that.
"Are sure, Kitten? It's going to be one of your biggest days"
"I'm okay, Paapi. I prepared for everything while you're away. So I am good, I will sure you what I prepared so far."
.....
"Do you want me to attend your graduation ceremony." Isma'il asked, that evening in the kitchen as I gets comfy with a plate of a big slice chocolate cake.
"No!" I said with a frown, my attention more on my cell phone.
"Are you angry at me or something?" He walk around the Island and stood opposite to the side where I sat. His hands stucked in his pocket while his face carries a neutral look accessing me.
"Do I need to be angry at you to say no?"
"I don't know, Noorie. You're more familiar with your emotions, so tell me. I do want to be there for you.
"It's your choice if you want to come." I added and got up leaving my half eaten cake there for him.
I sank in my bed. Yet again, my mind went to the forbidden zone. I wasn't always like that over things, I have longed forbidden being attached to anything or anyone. It's just Mubin. There goes the alert. What's that?! My mind is crazy, what does the substitute have to do with my mood. I'm sure it has nothing to do with him. Anyway, Isma'il already said I'm not made of stone, which means my emotions are not always in my control. It's only logical if I am feeling down, for PIC have been a part if my life for six long years and I had the time of my life there too.
And all it took was a warm shower to get rid of that feeling, having dinner along side abbah after a while, was great too. But my mind is still not at ease, what's this all about?
....
Salam lovelies!
I know it had been forever😌
Our university resumed for the first after time after covid, and we're left far behind the clock. So all we are doing now, is running to catch the time.
I'm too preoccupied with everything to update, but something like this will be happening in sha Allah, from time to time.
So while we are at that, don't forget to comment, give us a thumps up and share with your loved ones.
Assalamu alaikum wa'rahamatullah.