LISA
JACKSON'S RELATIVE brought him to China to give him a proper funeral. I wasn't able to attend because I am still shocked for what happened. I am honestly traumatized. A single loud noise is always making me startle and afraid. It's all because the gunshot. It's still lingering in my mind. The way Mr. Wang pointed the gun to Sehun, the way I heard that two gunshot, and the way I saw two bodies lying infront of me with their own blood. But a certain person is always by my side to comfort me, to calm me down, and take care of me.
Jennie.
I don't even know how it started. I want to push her away just like what I am doing to my friends these past few days because I don't want to talk to anyone. But I don't know why I can't do that to her. I mean, I tried. I tried not just once. But I don't know what is freaking wrong with me that I pushed her away in a softest way but I was so harsh when I pushed away my friends. Fucking whipped.
She's always visiting me here at Chaeng's house. Cooking me foods, sometimes she's even feeding me whenever I am too lazy to move my body, comforting me whenever I couldn't help but to remember what happened, and everything. Everything that can ease my mind and my feelings. At first, I thought Jisoo unnie won't let Jennie visit me and do those things to me. Especially Chaeng. But no. Instead, when I started pushing them away, she was the one who asked Jennie to take care of me for the meantime until everything is fine again. I don't even know why. I am so confused. But one thing is for sure. Even though there's still a part of me that hates Jennie, I am thankful to her for staying by my side even though I am difficult to handle.
About Sehun, well, he's still in a coma. It's already been two weeks but he's still not waking up. Day after day, I am visiting him in the hospital. Sometimes, I am going there every night and sleep there. Because I want to be the first one he will see when he wakes up. I want him to know that I didn't leave his side. I am always talking to him, asking him some random questions even though he won't answer those because of his situation. I am doing everything I know that can wake him up. Kissing his forehead, his hands, things like that. But it was no help. I know, he will survive. I know he will wake up soon. He can't die on me. He's a strong person. I know, he will not leave me.
It hurts. It really hurts. I am blaming myself for what happened to him. He involved himself in this mess just to protect me and my parents.
"Lisa, you haven't eat your breakfast yet. Do you want me to feed you again? There's no way you will not eat everything. It's bad for your health." said Jennie who is sitting beside me on my bed while I am laying down and using my phone.
"I don't want to." I coldly replied to her.
"Lisa, please. You need to eat. Atleast two or three spoonful."
"I don't want to, Jennie. Just please, leave me alone. I'm not in the mood right now."
"You're always not in the mood."
"Exactly. So leave me alone now."
"Lisa. Just two spoonful of this. I cooked this for you." She insisted more. She's such a persistent person.
"I will eat if I want to. Now, go." I turned to my left to show that I really don't want to eat anything right now and I just want her to leave.
"Why are you so hard-headed? You always didn't want to eat anything. Just a glass of water then done. Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself? Look, Lisa. Nothing will happen if you will keep doing these. It will just affect your health and we don't want that to happen to you." She confronted as she stood up and put down the porridge she's holding earlier. I turned off my phone and turned to her.
"You have no idea what I am feeling right now, Jennie. You don't have any rights to control my life and makes me do everything you want me to do. You are not my girlfriend anymore so stop acting like you are." I spitted out. "I am not fine. I don't even know if I'll be fine again. But I am trying! You know that I am trying to go back to my old self. I am trying to erase those things in my mind. I tried. And I'm still trying. But nothing is working out, Jennie. Just please, leave me alone. All of you. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to come to that point that I will say hurtful things to any of you or hurt you physically because of this fucking feeling I am having right now." I continued. She opened her mouth but closed it again. Unsure of what she wants to say.
"Are you still blaming yourself for everything that happened?"
"If I'll be honest? Yes. So much, Jennie. And I hate myself for dragging them into this mess."
"But it's not your fault. It's that Mr. Wang's fault."
"You still don't know anything that happened before between my parents, me, and Mr. Wang. So please, Jennie. Just stop. Just leave me alone. I can handle myself."
"You might harm yourself." She muttered but enough for me to hear it.
"And kill myself? Things that I can't do and I will never do. I am not that dumb to do things like that. So don't worry."
"But, Lisa."
"Please." Her shoulders fell. Disappointed? Maybe. Disappointed because she have to leave my side. Because she have to leave me alone.
"Take care of yourself. I love you." She kissed my forehead just like what she's always doing even after we broke up. After that, she hesitantly went out of my room. I also heard the front door of the house closing.
I am finally left alone. Jisoo and Chaeng are probably on a date. Or hanging out with the squad. While Jennie, finally I convinced her to leave me alone.
I took a quick bath and wore a casual outfit. A plain black shirt and jeans. After that, I just put a little powder on my face before I went out of the house.
To: My Chipmunk 💗
I'll just go to Sehun.
After I sent my message, I entered my car. I started the engine and drove towards the hospital. I hope, Sehun will wake up already. I already miss him.
***
"Sehun-ah. Wake up now. I miss you already." I whispered while holding his hands. He's still unconscious. I am sitting on a chair beside his hospital bed. "I'll wait for you. So wake up now. I am here. I won't leave you. Please." My eyes became watery. Tears are about to fall. But I stopped myself. I am tired. I am crying every fucking day. And I seriously hate this kind of feeling.
"Oppa..." And for the first time, I called him oppa. He's older than me. But even when we first met, I was shy to call him that way. So he told me that I should just call him by his name if that will make me feel comfortable. So this is the very first time I called him oppa. "Oppa, I am sorry. I know you chose this path. To join Mr. Wang's game in able to protect me and my parents. I am thankful, ofcourse. But if you will get hurt again, I'll be mad at you. Oppa, I'm really sorry. Now, wake up. I need you." And when I couldn't stop myself anymore, tears started gushing down to my cheeks again.
"Are you still taking care of yourself?" I was startled upon hearing a voice behind me. When I turned around, I saw Sehun's mother. Oh. I forgot that she is here. I forgot that she went back here in SoKor after discovering about what happened to Sehun.
"Aunt. I'm sorry, I forgot that you are here." I was about to stand up to let her sit but she stopped me.
"Why do I feel like you are getting thin? Are you taking care of yourself?" She looks so worried. I looked down. Trying to avoid an eye contact with her. She's like a second mother to me. Which I love. But being in this kind of situation infront of her makes me a bit embarassed and nervous. "Lalisa, answer me." She firmly added.
"I...I'm sorry." I muttered. She grabbed another chair and sat beside me and held my hand.
"If my son is awake, he would not allow you to not take care of yourself. He would surely hate that. Lisa, I know it is hard especially you lost one person. I know, even though you said to me that you two are not close, it is normal if you are hurt because of his death. And I know, it is harder for you to see Sehun in this situation. I know you are blaming yourself. But you should still take care of yourself. It may badly affect your health and I don't want that to happen." She then wiped my tears away.
"I may not know you that much since I am not your mother, but we are close enough to know what you are feeling right now. I care about you. So much. Even your friends." When I can't hold back my tears anymore, I leaned at her shoulder and cried my heart out. She just let me and just caressed my back to bring me comfort.
"A-Are you not mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you?"
"Because of me, Sehun almost...die." I whispered the last word.
"Lalisa, it's not your fault. He just protected you and you just didn't able to control the man who caused all of these. None of these are your fault. So no. I am not mad. And I won't ever get mad at you."
"Aunt, I'm sorry."
"Shh. There's nothing to be sorry about." She then kissed my forehead. After a minute of crying on her shoulder, I finally calmed down. My tears finally stopped escaping from my eyes. She handed me a bottle of water. I gladly accepted it and took a sip.
"Tell me, you're crying everyday, aren't you?" I bowed my head down. "Your eyes are so red. It's so obvious."
"Y-Yeah."
"Why don't you stay with me for awhile? In our old house. I'm staying there again while waiting for my son to wake up."
"I don't want to bother you, Aunt. I can take care of myself." She shook her head.
"You can't. Look at you. You are getting thinner. I can see it. You are not taking care of yourself anymore. So whether you like it or not, you will stay with me for awhile so I can take care of you." I just nodded in the end since I have no other choice anymore.
Our conversation was interrupted when I suddenly saw Sehun's index finger moved. My eyes widened. I quickly told it to Aunt. Until a single tear escaped from Sehun's eyes.
He's awake.
The doctor who was assigned to Sehun quickly entered the room and check on him. But not too long after, Sehun slowly opened his eyes. I rushed to his side and held his hand.
"Sehun...you're finally awake." I muttered.
"I told you. He's strong. I already expected him to wake up anytime since he's really fighting. And there he is." The doctor gladly said. Sehun's mother thanked the doctor before he exited the room to give us privacy.
"Finally, you are awake." She caressed his son's cheek. He looked at me, then to his mother, and looked at me again. I smiled at him.
"You are safe." It was just a whisper but I managed to hear it well.
"I think, I should leave you for awhile to give you time to talk." She smiled at me and Sehun before she left. I sat on the chair beside Sehun's bed. I'm still holding his hand.
"I'm glad that you're awake now. I waited for you. I didn't leave your side. I am always here every night."
"Did you miss me?"
"So much, Sehun."
"Thank you for waiting for me." I just smiled at him and caressed his hand that I am holding. "Aren't you going to inform them that I'm already awake?"
"Them?"
"The squad." I let out a soft "oh". I grabbed my phone and dialed Irene unnie's number. Luckily, she picked it up that fast.
"Hey, Lisa. Do you need something?"
"Unnie..."
"Hmm? Did something happen? Tell me."
"He's awake. Come here quickly."
"He's...awake? Sehun, you mean?"
"The one and only."
"Oh my god. Okay, okay. Wait for us there. We'll go now." She then hanged up. I looked at Sehun. He's smiling at me. The smile he used to show when he wants to say something. But this smile is somehow sad.
"Do you wanna say something?" I carefully asked.
"The wound in your lips is still there. Are you okay? Does it hurts?" He softly asked me.
"This wound in my lips is nothing compared to the wound my heart has." He let out a chuckle.
"But I hope you are fine. If not, I hope you'll be fine soon."
"You are awake now. So I think, I'll be fine soon."
"Lisa," He stopped for a moment then continued. ",how are you?"
"I told you, right? I'll be fine soon."
"It's not about that. I'm talking about you and Jennie. About your feeling. If you are still hurt, still feel betrayed, things like that. I wanna know."
"Sehun, I can forgive but I can't forget."
"You still love her, don't you?" The question I've been avoiding to hear. Because I knew to myself that I'm still inlove with Jennie. Nothing changed. "I know, I told her to stay away from you. But why don't you give her a chance to prove herself to you? Why don't you try again? She's your happiness. I can feel it and I can see it. As much as I don't want you to get hurt again, I don't want to take you away from your happiness either. But it's still on you. Your choice is the most important."
"Why are you suddenly talking like that?"
"I had a dream. A long dream. A dream that caused me to stay in a coma for weeks. And after that dream, when I finally opened my eyes, I realized one thing. No. I remembered something. My promise."
"What promise? You promised me so many things. Be specific." I told him.
"That I won't ever take your happiness away from you. I made that promise because I said, your happiness is so important to me, right? And here I am. I want to fulfill that promise." He stated and finally held my hands back that is holding his hand.
"But before that, I want to make sure first that she won't make the same mistake anymore. I want to make sure first that she won't hurt you again."
"Sehun, you don't need to do this."
"I know. But I want to."
He doesn't need to do it. But he want to.
That's what he's always saying to convince me and to assure me that he meant every single words that came out from his mouth.
***
When the squad arrived, I went out of the room first and let them be alone with Sehun. Besides, I'm afraid to face them after pushing them away.
I sat beside Mrs. Oh.
"You will still stay with me in the old house. Or maybe with Sehun, too."
"But—"
"No buts, okay? It's fine, Lisa. Besides, I want to spend more time with the two of you before I go back to Canada." I just nodded.
"I need to go. I'll be back later. Just inform my son."
"Sure, Aunt. Take care." She kissed my cheeks first before leaving. I leaned my back on the backrest of the chair. As much as I want to go back inside, I'm still not ready to face my friends.
"Lisa!" I turned to the person who called my name. It's Jennie. She sat beside me. "I heard from Jisoo unnie that Sehun is already awake. Why are you here outside? You should be there with your friends and Sehun."
"It's fine. Go on. Go inside."
"No. I'll stay here with you."
"Jennie."
"If I said no, then no." I rolled my eyes. "Are you not hungry?" I shook my head. "What about coffee?" I shook my head again. She sighed.
"Jennie..."
"Yes?"
I still love you.
I want to say those words but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to take the risk.
"Nothing." I said and looked away. I was startled when she suddenly held my hand.
"Lisa, I may not be your girlfriend anymore. But we're still friends, right? You can tell me what's bothering you. I'm ready to listen as your friend. I won't judge you." She said softly.
"Nothing, Jennie. Don't worry." I assured her with a smile. "You sure you don't want to go inside?"
"I don't want to leave you here."
"But I am fine, Jennie. Go inside. Don't worry too much about me."
"Lisa, I don't wanna leave you, okay? So it's fine."
"Did you inform Kai that Sehun is already awake?" I asked her.
"Ten was the one who informed him."
"Okay."
"Lisa, I know you won't forgive me but I want to apologize again for what I did. Believe me or not, I already regretted it." She brought out that topic again.
"It's fine, Jennie. It's fine. Really. But can you please stop bringing out that topic? I'm trying to erase that in my mind." I bitterly said.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."
"It's alright."
If I can just go back to those time when everything is still fine. Call me dumb or whatever, but I still love Jennie. I'm still hoping that maybe one day, she can fully give me her heart. I'm still hoping that one day, she won't look for someone else anymore. If ever we'll be together again.
But am I willing to take the risk?
To be honest, I'm not. Because she might break my heart again. No one knows what will happen in the future. But there's nothing wrong on trying again, right? If it will not work out again, then I will already give up. Easy to say, right? But hard to do.
I don't even know if I can fully let go of her.